to: tyler, tyler william.
(if i could tell you anything, this would be it.)

hi.

please just listen to what i have to say, and know that i'm not expecting a response.
i'm not expecting answers or reactions.
all i need is this time to let you know for once without feeling embarassed
or completely rushed and nervous,
exactly what's going on.
without pretty words, or details you already know, and without emotions you don't need.

for three years and more i have avoided you.
and in most moments within those years that i have not been able to avoid you,
i have absolutely tried my best to hate you.
the thing about humans is that when we dont understand certain things
and we can't comprehend our own feelings
we get scared of what is truth
and we layer ourselves with complicated emotions that quite possibly, are not really there.

when i realized that you hated me
i didn't want to accept that as a fact or have to sort out the details,
i just wanted to hate you back.
i pretended to hate you because loving you was by far the easiest thing to do,
and i didn't understand how or why that was possible.

after all this time, for whatever reason we are hating each other
and continuing to not talk,
i would like to first say that as complicated as i have made this
(and far too late to have any meaning to you)

i love you.
and when i see you, i absolutely ache.

i ache in parts of my body i didn't even know that i had.


i know that you have her.
and i also know that she's quite possibly the closest thing to perfect i have ever seen in a fifteen year old.
i know that she's lovely and i know every reason
why you would love her more than you ever were capable of loving me.

but with that said,
i need you to know that somehow through moving on in my life
and also finding someone close to perfect for myself
and loving him in the best ways possible,
i have found that no matter how perfect someone can be for you
sometimes you just can't quit on someone you sold out to long before.

and despite the complications of my boyfriend
and the embarassing fact that i am telling all of this to you knowing how deeply in love you are with haley,

i haven't quit on you.

i gave a part of me to you 3 years ago,
a piece of me that loved the hardest, and in the truest form,
and that part of me is unfortunately the one thing michael will never have.

love is so funny.
within these past 3 years of avoiding you
i have done so little to tell you any of this,
and at other times i have talked way too much and gone to stupid measures to contact you and
probably driven you crazy.

it's so strange to me that within this time period
i have been the one thing you desired most
and the one person you have cared for least.
i think somehow i must have gotten the bitter end.
somehow my feelings for you were never capable of changing.
and trust me, i tried.

i can't change you.
and i don't want to.
i am happy for you being happy.
and alive. and full.
but with me moving on in life, and soon moving on up North,
i just wanted to tell you that no matter where i am
or who i am with
or especially how i act,

for some crazy reason i know right now
that i am going to love you for the rest of my life.
and that's just something hard i have to deal with.


and i am a complete aching mess without you.

first thoughts surveys.

1. Cigarette:
sinking. stress and a cup of coffee.

2.Nascar:
you told me we would be perfect.

3. Relationships:
chemicals. and aching.

4. Your Last Ex:
you were supposed to leave my mind.

5. Football:
we were inseperable on sundays. holy days.

6. Crack:
he would call and we would talk about drugs. and life.

7. Food:
scales. toilets. mirrors. numbers. skinnier and skinnier.

8. President:
you waited so long and loved so hard.

9. War:
you left me too short and i hurt. so hard.

10. Cars:
summer heat. evening cool. i heard you coming from down the street.

11. Gas Prices:
i was just thirteen when we went to war.

12. FUTURE:
i still have the letters under my bed, and you wrote about it.

13. Bon Jovi:
music. passion.

14. Religion
we were afraid. and so we hid.

15. MySpace:
emails. conversations at all cost. journal entries.

16. Fear:
never returning my red shoes by the age of 21.


19. Blondes:
she thought you loved her.

20. Brunettes:
i thought you loved her.

21. Politics:
sometimes we all push away what we don't want to know.

22. High School:
on my 15th birthday i almost got a cupcake necklace.

23. One Night Stands:
i couldn't be sure.

24. Cell phones:
silences. arguments. lies.

25. Target:
shopping carts. sodas.

26. Death Row:
to this day we are still lacking.

27. Vanilla Ice Cream:
strawberry fields. heat. red dresses.

28. Porta potties:
reconstruction. building up.

29. Family:
christmas trees and hot chocolate.
we smiled so long and laughed so hard.

30. Pajamas:
captain america. flannel. santa played the guitar.

31. Camping:
leaving. renewing.

32. American Idol:
judgement.

33. Alcohol:
lies. change.

34. HATE:
lies.

35. Best Friend:
late nights. parks. running.

36. WHERE??
we ran all over this town. and back again.

37. Single or taken?
the heart and mind are two different things.

38. Heartache:
snow globes and cold concrete.

39. Love:
inhale.

40. Music:
dark stages. electric guitars. impressing.

41. Talent:
true and rich.

42. Work:
i didn't see you anymore.

43. Plastic surgery:
they changed your heart.

44. life?:
bruises. bicycles and weddings.

more writings.
in my mind i left him in january.
in my heart i left his bed last week.

in reality i am not the kind of person to leave him.
not now or ever.
some of the staying might be the bed.

most of the leaving is because of passion.

meeting new people
and not forgetting past people.

in my mind i was going to be with a past person.

he left me on a friday.
last friday.

but his was real.




only perfect wounds leave scars.

marionette.
i feel like the tables have turned now.

don't stray.
ughh



this feeling that things are changing
is making me sick to my stomach.







it is time for me to pack up.

what best means.
erica came over this morning.
i have needed a best friend for a long time.

she has always been the only one.


i think once you really, truly experience having a friend that you spend every moment possible with,

who sees you grow,
and knows your worries and doubts,
knows what makes you laugh,
and cry,
and scream,
and silent,
knows the things you hide,
the dreams you push down,
and even the way you love,

i do not believe that is replaceable.

we ate fondue last night and talked for long hours.
i really hope she won't let me down again.


i really hope we can stay friends.
that would be nice.
i feel like i can tell her everything.


no one is trust worthy like that anymore.


advice for life:
don't take any one for granted.
broken arms still long to be held.

impulses


holy crap.

i just entered into TeenVogue's contest search for a new intern this summer.


i am so freaking nervous.

the weights of being eighteen, already.
tonight was my birthday.


tonight we found out that emma was paralyzed on monday night from the waist down.



we tried to all smile through presents.
and i have never felt so weighed down while laughing.






lyric for the night:

and the human heart is the hardest part,
the softest spot for the sharpest darts,
but nothing, and i mean nothing, will
feel as real as when it's filled.

For whoever is Reading, this Journal may be old, but these Entries are just as New as I Am.
i deleted about 200 entries these last few nights.

i came home for spring break, and i was overwhelmed to find so many things in my old, green room that reminded me of years ago.

things that reminded me of people i haven't spoken to in so many months.

i began to dig through old notebooks, old poems, old files in my computer,
and i remembered this journal.

i deleted every entry that followed september of 2004 and kept all entries that preceded it because i truly believe

everything before september of that year, was quite possibly the happiest times of my life.

i am almost 18 now. in college. long-term relationship.
my friends have changed. my mind has changed.
my face has changed.

it is so funny to me in reading this journal of mine, that no matter how old you get, you still have some of the same questions about life that you had when you were the most naive'.

i am not searching for some life-changing events
or moments that can make me feel infinite again,
but i still have questions.

i still have my doubts.

those endless, small things that keep me awake at night, when i am lying in bed next to the guy who believes he's going to marry me.


i don't feel the need to catch you up on my life thus far.

i will say it's hasn't been terrible.
i will also remark that there's so much in looking back that could've helped a lot to make it better.

but that is always the case.

i find myself wishing that i wouldn't have adored the spotlight so much when i was in highschool.
i find myself wishing i wouldn't have felt that always having a boyfriend provided me with some kind of false sense of self-worth.

in reading this journal over again, i have been reminded of some of the deepest heartache i have ever gone through, and at the time, couldn't imagine life ever being harder.

but i know now, that there is much worse.

i have also smiled a great deal at remembering how amazing close friends are, and the silly things that are so simple that keep you going.
that keep you laughing.

but i also know now that close friends like that are extremely hard to find once you're surrounded by so many people that want to be "grown up".

life moves way too fast.

i am currently in college. and sadly, i already feel like i am married.
i love him.
but i get scared when i keep thinking of my ex, and i fear that maybe, no matter what kind of love my boyfriend could show me,
he is just not the one.

and my next fear is:
if he's not the one, but we've come this far-
when does it end?

he is so grown. and i feel grown when i am around him,
but i realize with all of my doubts and these questions that truly,
on the inside,
i am still so incredibly young.

i still need my mother's advice to feel solid about my decision-making.
i still long for a best friend to sleepover.
and quite possibly, i even still think about talking to new guys.
maybe even being single for awhile.

i have fit in well with the college crowd these last few months,
but maybe on the inside,
i am sad i'm missing senior prom.

and maybe i just want to sleep at home, and have my parents wake me up on school days and for breakfast on saturdays again.

i have woken up every morning to my boyfriend's alarm, and the sound of his shower.
i have started most day by making some coffee for myself before i carry myself to class.


at this age, i should still be dreaming.

and that's what this journal is really for.

the real me.
the young-girl me.

the one who loves life, and doubts her "solid" relationship,
and maybe, just maybe,
wants to be with the one guy she feels sure her heart is telling her is right.

because outside of this journal and these online pages,
the real world would tell me:

you need to wake up to reality.
your heart is not your guide.

------------------------------------------
quote of the day:

"i just think it's fascinating how people treat each other,it's like,

if you like someone, you're not supposed to show it-
and if you hate someone, you're supposed to pretend that you like them so they won't know you hate them-

but if you love someone, shouldn't it be easier?
you should be able to relax for once- after you get past the crazy stuff"

okay wow its been a long time since i've updated ... i know.
i guess so much has happened i've been waiting for it all to just...come to a point where
things STOP happening.
and then i can talk about them.

and i guess that point is now.
first of all
nathan and i broke up on the second of september.
which no one besides us and a few people really dont know about still.
i guess we both decided not saying anything would cause less drama
less questions from people...
who most likely dont really care.
erica and patrick are still together which is awesome.
i was invited to go see LYNARD SKYNARD with erica and nathan and patrick about a month ago...
and i cant go because i have a game to go to that night that i HAVE to be at.
i was so upset.
but i guess it worked out for the best because at the time nathan and i weren't broken up.

its so weird how fast things change from the way they've been for so long.

school has sucked for the whole month of september...until this past week. too pointless to talk about but lets just say DRAMA. so stupid

hey i like you with the brown hair. :)
and the eyes:)
haha- hey it had to be in here SOMEWHERE


freebird has been the song of the month i guess (erica)
and cant always get what you want was probably the song of hte month for august.
that was a less dramatic month all in all -

now i guess everything is coming around from what it was, to what it became, to everyone just accepting it for what it is. if that makes any sense.

and things are just...kind of floating right now
i think everyones waiting to see what happens next.
i know i am.




baby its been sweet love
though this feeling i cant change
please dont take it so badly
cause lord knows im to blame

-Freebird >i'll always think of you erica

september 2nd..and other days too
i truly dont know where to start
or how to say what i want to
or even what i had wanted to say at all

i just know that the hardest thing right now
is realizing just how fast something can change




im not sure of alot right now
but i do know that seasons change
and my life is definitely watching it happen

and feeling the effects of it all







erica- thanks so much for friday night.
you're the best friend i never thought i'd have. -so wonderful- ...thank you