Grrr...
I'm not as uplifted and hopeful as I was a few hours ago...
I guess mostly because I realize now I don't know the details or particulars of what I'm trying to do.
It might not even work.. =/
I really hope it does though, and I really hope she understands
I'm so tired of this being about a graduation ceremony and people putting so much emotional value on it.
Its such boggess.
Congradulate me when I'm graduating with a PhD in veternary medicine and procedures or something for God's sake.
When I've actually worked hard and actually ACCOMPLISHED something.
I mean, most people are capable of graduating highschool.

But anyway...
~sigh~
I'm tired of being depressed...
And its not even something I can help.
Well... "help" in theory


I can't stop reliving the pain of her either.
Maybe the reason I always go back to look is because I really really hope it won't be there.
That she'll have removed all of it.
And maybe its also because
Deep down inside
I really, really want more than anything for those months to magically undo themselves and cease to exist.
Because that is a pain that I don't think will dull with time.
Everything else I experienced, from Norris dying to Oct-Nov of 06, that I was able to heal from, and they didn't leave any deep scars.
But...
But with everything that happened involving her. Everything still going on.
Sometimes I just feel like my heart was mangled, but somehow left still beating and still capable of immense love.

But I just feel like unless she is erased from my life, past and present, then I'll never get better.

And that isn't going to happen.

And maybe I could heal if she would just let go and let her heart heal and forget.

But she won't.

And so here I am.

So unbelievably happy yet still so broken.

And I'm sorry, but how could you do unto me something similar to what was done unto you?

I don't understand it my love, I don't.

Make me better

<3

Wow...
Looking back on everything.
Its amazing that I didn't rip out my heart and end it all
Because the pain I was put through back then was just...

Unbelievable.

<3

Because the future looks bright =)
I'm feelin kinda good right now
I'm starting make new friends
=)
But I haven't made so many awesome friends so quickly since the 7th grade.
And since then, I've only made two new "friends"
And they really aren't lasting friendships.
They'll probably end along with the school year.
But now I'm meeting and connecting with people I barely even know
And its an awesome feeling =)
And on top of that, I feel even closer to Malic, Dylie, Josh and Bill than I ever have before
And that's an amazing feeling =D
So its late and I'm sitting here semi studying for everything
I'd give up completely if it wouldn't kill my GPA
If I can just give it my all next semester and get the fuck out of here, I'll be good.
I hate high school
I'm so sick of it
I should have switched to online classes before I started this year because, GOD does it suck.
This has probably been one of the hardest fucking years of my life.
But I seriously hope its coming to an end.
It feels like it is
=)
Its seems like it just went to shit after Lior lost it last Feb/Mar.
But if I can just make it through this quarter, I'll be alright.

I really need to be with my Muffin

It gets me through

I've been throught so much with him but it seems like it all turned out for the better in the end.

I really wish I could atleast talk to him right now...
I miss him

=/

I got to have a nice long conversation with Jesse not too long ago, and that was nice.
I miss him
It kills me that I don't get to see him more
I mean.. fuck
He's my brother
=/

But anyway, I'm going to crash.

I love you Malic!!!!
You are everything to me.
Any other happiness I've ever felt pales in comparison to the way you make me feel.
I wish I was wrapped up in your arms right now
All nice and snug and warm and safe.
And most importantly, loved.

I hope you feel a lot better after you're all rested up sweety.

Good Night

<3

PS:: Sorry for the typos and what not, I'm in need of sleep and I'm sick

I was trying
I was trying like hell
To make everything right again
And I was so close
Two more days

And I would've been free
On my way to a fresh start; a clean slate.

But, in a matter of speaking, I tripped over my shoelaces right before the finish line.

And what I mean to say is
I was up all night last night doing my homework
And overslept

And unfortunately, I do have to say that I do this often, but never on purpose.
As fate would have it, I suddenly am unable to hear my alarm clock in the morning.
Of all the times for this to happen, of course, it happens now. Even though I overcame this problem over a year ago.
All the sudden, when I'm already in deep shit, it springs up again.

And well..
It was the last straw for my mother
And now I'm grounded
On top of my previous grounding

Meaning,
The last thing keeping me going was taken away from me
She took Malic away this time.

The one person I could try for
The one person who could still make me feel happy even if my world was falling down around me.
Which it is.

And I'm crying hard
Because I truly need to see him, and even more so now

But now I can't, atleast until my mother leaves sometime after Christmas.

Which is far too long for me to bear.

<3

I'm kinda scared though.
Scared of falling.
Because its a long way down.
And I don't know if I could recover from a fall like that.

But.. Gah.
Why do I always have to find every possible bad thing I can in a good thing?
I'm not going to worry anymore.
I'm going to just live and enjoy the now.

<3

HAH!
Yes!
Complete and unrelenting stubborness and undying loyalty REALLY do pay off!
Malic.
Muffin.
Just.
Ah. =D
I almost can't believe it.
After all this time.
Finally.
Finally.



MY MUFFIN!!!!!
=DDDDDDDDD


<3

I'm really really
Happy now.
I love him
And I love being with him
And he loves being with me.
And...
I dunno.
I wish he never had to leave..

<3

What I want
More than anything
Is to be your angel
And make you happy
And comfort you
And give you hope
And be someone you can always depend on no matter what.


I want to lift you off the ground and sore with you

<3

I'm down.
Cause I'm worried.
That I'm not making you happy
That I keep doing things that are like little ticks.
Little chips in your shoulder.
And I want to make you happy...
But I can't tell you I'm worried or what I'm worried about.
Because I don't want to constantly show you that I needed to be
reassured all the time.
Even though we both know it.

I just want to make you happy.
I want to be one thing in your life that is only associated with good vibes..
I want to be someone that never fails you.
I want to be like your Kimmy..


<3

I'm talking to Malic right now.
And you know what?
I love you Emily.
I do.
I don't know what's wrong.
But I love you all the same.
And I have hugs and kisses and cuddles and listening ears waiting for you if you are in need of them.

On another note.
I'm happy again.
And I love you too, Malic.
I had a sooo much fun with you at P.F. Changs and Stomp last night.
I hope we can do that kind of thing more often.

<3

Why?
Because I need something to believe in.
I need there to be something wonderful to look forward to.
Otherwise, I do not think I could do this.

<3

I don't know if I could
But I might try.

<3

I don't like what I've become
This isn't me.
This is a demon.
And I am no demon.

I need to go back to that.
I need to be an angel again.
I need to be your angel again.
Please save me.

<3

When did it happen?
When?
When did happiness become so far out of reach?
I can barely even see it anymore.

Is it ever going to come back?

<3

I couldn't find it
And that depresses me more than anything.
God...
I just don't even want to move anymore..

I just want to go to sleep.
And not have to get up again.

<3