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I'm done with this whole fear of failure thing. I'm going to step up and just write it. I've been piecing together it's elements for almost two years now. It's time to just sit down and get going.

I just don't know where to start...there's so much I want to say with this, and it feels disorganized no matter how many times I refine it.

Bah.

wow...
I just read my entire journal backwards. And now I know...

Quote of the new year:
Wake-up, fuck head. Time to live.

...or maybe not.

Flags of Dawn
this darkness would
eclipse our will
a cold wind blows
across these hills
a swinging gaze
from a hangman's tree
a crow's nest view
of what's left to see
the light that's formed
of saints return the silence to the snow
still beneath the craters waiting
for this time to grow

so hold on
hold tight
open daylight
we will overcome

so put away your fear
the morning star will soon appear
and bring an end
to this dark night
and we must run if we're to meet the light
watered by the blood of martyrs
blessed and blind as sons and daughters
sleep with one eye open
and live with both eyes shut
so let's find the place where sight begins
and see the things that we saw when our
eyes were bright and wet against the light

and hold on
hold tight
open daylight
we will overcome

open your eyes
over the new sight
fly the flags of dawn

"This is it; The moment you've ALL been waiting for..."
Today, I was getting paranoid about Jessica again. The most irrational thing I could possibly do, especially when I consider how we were talking about how much we liked each other and how uncannily compatible we are not eight hours earlier.

I quickly realized my folly:

I'm not full in. I've picked up the bat, I'm at the plate, the ball has been thrown. A curve ball. If I swing, I might miss. I might hit it. I've no way to tell other than what I know of my own abilities. I've not totally committed yet...I'm still afraid. Hence I get paranoid. I've decided I'm done being afraid. I'm ready to swing. I'll do everything within my power to get that ball out of the park. I'm leaving my old self behind.

Look back through the pages of this journal. The boy you see thoughout most of it is now dead. I've let him die -nay, killed him- because he was not who I was meant to be I am something more...something better. I hope you can see that now.

Ultimately, there are only two things holding my old self in reality. Our memories, which will fade and tarnish, and this journal, which I have the opportunity to destroy.

I'm taking it. I've sent the website a request to have it deleted. I don't need anything on here anymore. I'm letting it all go...



...I'm swinging my bat. For God, for myself, for her.


I don't know how long it will take...but it'll be soon.



Later.

"...And with a note of Finality"
I've said in the past that First Love never dies...




-pulls trigger-




...I lied.

Old friends...
So deep and down we go
down
and down we go
and down we go
and down we go
And we fall down right here
i tried
And we'll all disown to the sound of your death
We'll love again, hold hands again
and its better off this way
and never again
and never again
they gave us two shots to the back of the head
and we're all dead now
well never again
and never againt
they gave us two shots to the back of the head and we're all dead, now
I tried
one more night
one more night
laugh out cry out laugh out cry out laugh out loud
cause its dry for life
I tried
I tried
I tried
and we'll love again
we'll laugh again
we'll cry again
and we'll dance again
and its better off this way
so much better off this way
and never again
we'll never again
they gave us two shots to the back of the head and we're all dead now

fitting...there were days when all of [them] would have come running...and I don't see one of them...not one. Proof, I guess, that there really wasn't a place for me anyway.

I have a MySpace!

http://www.MySpace.com/prince_of_heaven

Come check it out!

Memoir...
A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that i saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And i don't think i can look at this the same
But all these miles that seperate
Disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life was overrated
But i hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything i know,and anywhere i go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me


I heard this today in biology...Lots of memories...I first heard it on holloween. Oh well, what's dead and gone is dead...but I can't help but feel a part of me died with it. I tried today, with Laura, and there was a spark. That same spark of life...but yet it was so infintismal compared to the blazing fire that engulfed every fiber of my being back then. This whole closure thing may be more difficult than I had originally thought. Well, wish me luck.

Later.

Can you hear me
Hear me screamin'
Breaking in the muted sky
This thunder heart
Like bombs beating
Echoing a thousand miles

Mine is yours and yours is mine
There is no divide
In your honor
I would die tonight

Mine is yours and yours is mine
I will sacrifice
In your honor
I would die tonight
For you to feel alive

Can you feel me
Feel me breathing
One last breath before I close my eyes
This offering
For receiving
Deliver me into the other side

Mine is yours and yours is mine
There is no divide
In your honor
I would die tonight

Mine is yours and yours is mine
I will sacrifice
In your honor
I would die tonight
For you to feel alive

For you to feel alive
For you to feel alive
For you to feel alive

Guardian Demon

A demon watches over you. You may find yourself at
times wishing those you dislike dead.
Sometimes, you may find yourself being jealous.
Anger can often get the best of you. You are a
unique individual. Overall though, you are a
kind person with a big heart. Your demon is
always watching over you. Though a demon may
seem like evil is watching you, it is not true.
Your demon is on neither side; good nor evil.
Your demon is on your side. Your demon is
constantly protecting and guiding you down the
right path for you in life.


Who is your soul guardian?
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Irony is my guardian.

"Waky, waky, waffles and baky!"

I love my sister.

Later.

The last fifteen minutes.

Your a vampire congrats! YOu live for the darkness
because you can't go in the light.you live of
blood but you don't kill when feeding(only if
your evil you will)Being immortal is a a very
lonely road,but somehow you deal.YOur rich and
money is not an object since if you wanted to
you could rob a bank!(that would be so cool!)
Your saying:Bite me and I'll bite back.


What creature of darkness or you?(COOL PICS)CHANGED
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The irony of this result in reference to the last fifteen minutes of my life is so great it almost stings as bad as my freshly-inflicted wound...beautiful. I am now officially gushing blood. It'll clot though. God, I'm sore...and tired. Okay. I'm off to clean (sword, wound, etc.) and then to bed.

Later.

Sabbiticle
"...time can bring you down, time can bend your knees. Time can break your heart, if you beg it please, beg it please. Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure. And I know, there'll be no more tears in Heaven. Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven? Would you be the same, if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong, and carry on, 'cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven." -Eric Clapton, Tears in Heaven

Yes, I am on a sabbiticle. I can say with sincerity my sword has remained sheathed for one week as of four thirty tomorrow morning. It is an exercise in discipline for me. My tendancy is fight, not flight, and all too often I almost get myself killed this way. Don't get me wrong, I want to die by the sword, but as the colored man in gladiator said, "Not yet, not yet..."

Later.

Love

You have DIVINE love, and it shows in every fiber
of you. If you havent yet graced someone with
your love, dont rush. Not everyone deserves
someone as wonderful as you are because they
dont understand your rarity, but when you find
someone who does you will lead a very full and
wonderful life.


What Type of Love Best Represents You?? (WONDERFUL anime pics!)
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I am beset by the ironies of my life. Time and time again, I am told I am a rarity. a diamond amongst mere stone. And yet, the truth presents itself in the actions of women I encounter; I am simply not worthy of requited love. Indeed I do desire it, and indeed I do search for it, but only to meet rejection after rejection. This is not overly encouraging, but I have a whole world to travel.

"Those of you who suffer because of love, love still more; For to die of love is to live by it."

Later.

I know this is what you've been singing to me, sorry I ignored it for so long...
As your will is bent and broken
and every vision has been cast into the wind
as your courage crashes down before your eyes
don't lay down and die

'Cause I see in you
More than you'll ever know
And I ask you, "Why
You question the strength inside?"
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive

When every wound has been re-opened
And in this world of give and take, you must have faith
And the distance to your dreams stretch beyond reach
Don't lay down and die
No

Cause I see in you
More than you'll ever know
And I ask you, "Would
You question the strength inside?"
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive...

How it feels
How it feels to be alive...
How it feels
How it feels to be alive...
How it feels
How it feels to be alive...

Cause I see in you
More than you'll ever know
And I ask you, "Would
You question the strength inside?"
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive...
How it feels to be alive...

Later.

Wow...this is getting habitual (hah, if you say habitual and take of "ha" and "ual" you say BITCH!!!!!!! MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

You are beyond help. Congratulations,
congratulations, congratulations, and welcome
to the mind of the we. Just remember, your
logic is flawless. (No matter what those idiots
at therapy say.)


How much mental help do you need?(With anime pics)(For screwed up minds only)
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