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2006 2 August :: 11.47pm
Talk about random things..
This is a text I got...
From: 63232
Beyonce Knowles was sued for 1.5 million dollars by a former business associate who claims she didn't compensate him financially on securing a business deal..
11:37pm 2-AUG-06
That and I love the movie The Good Girl.
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2006 2 August :: 1.37pm
Trying to sleep off a headache is like the hardest thing to do when you can't seem to cool off and you keep being mauled by your boyfriend in his sleep, which makes you sweat more because he's sweating. For some reason it's not very cool in this apartment.. my a/c is on.. but you can't tell..
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2006 2 August :: 2.49am
:: Mood: kinda ticked.
fucking come home already!!!
gosh. they're stupid, i'm telling you.
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2006 1 August :: 11.59am
:: Music: Incubus - A Crow Left of the Murder
sausage patties (not links)
this weekend was a lot of fun.
next weekend will be a lot of fun. i'm changing my oil saturday. it's been like 7,000 miles, so i figure it's time.
tomorrow i'm doing lunch with my cousin, before she goes to ireland. should be cool.
today i'm doing laundry, going to work, and lifting weights. because i'm cool like that.
i made a list. because i always make lists. it really helps to get all that shit out of your head, and onto something that is less likely to forget. and i can pull it out and add more later.
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2006 31 July :: 1.12pm
Where to begin.
Friday I went to the drag strip with Mike, Jerry, Johnny, Cally, and Leon to watch Wayne and Busa Bob race. As well as all the others.
It was kind of boring. Woo watching people go down a straight track as fast as they can. Would have been better if there were more people racing.
Then we rode around downtown GR for awhile. When we were down by the Margarita grill, talking and trying to figure out where to go next, this drunk black guy walked up to Waynes bike, got on it, turned the key, put Wayne's helmet on and expected to just ride off with it. But Wayne ran over to his bike, took the key and the helmet off the guy and the guy just walked away. He deserved to get his ass beat.
I guess Lindsey and Courtney aren't friends anymore, all because Lindsey was talking to me, and realized that I'm not a bad person, that Courtney's just a dumb bitch.
Saturday Mike's daughter came over for a few hours. She was going to spend the night, but then she called her mom and was like will you come get me i want to come home. We still dont know why. It was her choice.
Yesterday Mike and I went to his Grandma's house becasue Stanley was being a douche bag and was in jail that morning. And so if Stanley screws up one more time, he's coming to stay with us until Will gets out of jail. The first time he pisses me off, he's gone.
And now I am sitting here watching Final Destination 3. I live a boring freaking life.
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2006 29 July :: 4.26pm
I am currently watching Footloose with Mike's daughter.
While he is out riding around on his bike.
I love how he calls me to tell me that he is going to spend time with his daughter today/night and she will be staying here and asks if i can go get her, and then when i get there he tells me that he's going to Ionia for a few hours..
Someone save me.
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2006 29 July :: 2.32am
well. another late night.
which would be fine, except i have to get up in the morning.
that could put a damper on things.
and i decided it's worth being a little late to the party, in order to go home and change my clothes and shower and stuff beforehand.
i'm so unprepared for life most days.
one week down. it don't take no guff.
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2006 28 July :: 7.18am
Everything = A big cluster-fuck of chaos.
I made a kick ass CD last night.
Don't have a vehicle to listen to it in when I'm cruisin' around.
Just when I think that my boyfriend is too serious, he surprises me.
We were watching tv yesterday and out of the blue he asks one of the most random questions possible.
"Do you think midgets have midget cocks? 'cause if you think about it, if they were big then they'd trip on it or something."
I didn't have an answer for him because i was laughing to dang hard.
Also made me wonder why he was thinking about midgets and their penis'.
We've also become quite the gameshow junkies.
Quite pathetic if you ask me.
CSI and Any gameshow that is on when CSI isn't, make up our lives.
AhhhhhHHHHhhhhhhHHHHhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh...
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2006 26 July :: 11.50am
note to self:
REMEMBER!
(you will, won't you?)
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2006 26 July :: 11.28am
:: unentitled ::
oh man. less than a month now until i'm done with work. that's unbelievable. it went so damn fast. which is good and bad, i guess. i'm not getting as rich as i thought i would be getting.
hopefully the home improvement place in allendale needs a forklift operator. i'm fully licensed. i now have 3 months of intensive experience. that should be enough, i think.
in other news, shannon's this weekend was a rockin' good time. the movies were funny and felt good. the beach was warm, and freezing-ass cold. the blueberry pancakes were absolutely spectacular. and the talking was super-duper great.
i guess kevin and dylan might be coming over tonight. or maybe i misunderstood. that happens all too often. it would be fun if they did.
two weeks is a long time to go without any attention. i kind of backed myself into a corner on that one though. and i know it's just for me to prove to myself that i can do it. nothing more than that. i mean, why would anybody else give a shit? exactly.
i'm looking very much forward to the mackinac trip. i'm also looking forward to havoc at hastings, the following weekend (labor dabor). and there is also move-in to look forward to, which is something like 3 weeks away. two weeks. something. i don't even know. it's getting here much sooner than i anticipated, i know that much. but i'm pumped and jazzed and all that, just the same.
credit card bill (camping trip) - $100
bells - $100
havoc pre-registration - $20
internet @ apt. - $90
rent - $350
total - $660 (otherwise known as two weeks' pay)
gone.
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2006 24 July :: 12.10pm
If Mike and I got married, PJ FRENCH and I would be cousins by marriage. hehe
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2006 23 July :: 2.16pm
I have a new interest in Motorcycles.
Last night Mike and I were talking about how we could get 2500 bucks to buy a Kawasaki ZX6E Ninja. For ME! :)
That way I can learn to ride.
Last night was so much fun riding even though Courtney kept calling all the guys to come get her and no one would. They'd all say "we'll be there in a minute" and never go. They all new how I felt about her, because I voiced my opinion of her rather loudly at the beginning of the night when she tried to hang all over Mike. At the end of the night I was told I was much better company than her.
Yay. Im bored.
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2006 20 July :: 2.30pm
:: Mood: Angry
:: Music: I loved her first - Heartland
Sometimes I wish I was a rock because then it'd actually hurt when I hit people..
In recent news, I can't stand my mother.
However, I suppose that isn't recent news now is it?
Another reason why I don't want to get married or have kids, and if I do get married, I am going to elope (sp?), is that I can't stand the tension between my parents. That and I'm always dragged into the middle of their fights.
He still loves her, but talks shit about her to keep from admiting it.
She's a lying self center alcoholic i can't live without pot/cigarettes tramp.
Yes, I just called my mother a tramp.
I have sent my resume to several places.
Still nothing.
There's probably enough gas in the burban to get to the gas station.
I won't have money for about a week.
I hate struggling.
But I'm not the only one in my family that is.
My dad seems to be the only one that is financially stable but lives like he's poor.
Even under all this stress and anger towards my mother, I am still incredibly happy.
After being torn apart and knocked down by my mother, I am still standing strong.
But under that layer of happiness, there's nothing but tears.
I hate emotions.
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2006 19 July :: 1.49pm
Nothing like being woke up from a nap to a big burly old man knocking on your door to tell you that you have to get out of your apartment ASAP because there's a natural gas leak in the building behind you.
When I got downstairs there were cops and fire trucks everywhere. And I could hear this really loud leaking noise (the gas leak).
Kind of scary. Now I have a headache and my stomach hurts.
But I have cable TV now.
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2006 18 July :: 12.51pm
:: Mood: Ecstatic
:: Music: Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry
I love rainy nights..
Last night the storm was amazing.
We kept losing power about every 15 minutes for like 5 minutes at a time from about the time the storm started til about 4 this morning.
After two hours of that, Mike and I just decided to leave the tv off and the lights and sit in candlelight playing games on our phones and talking.
We wrestled for like an hour too. I tried to prove that I had a little bit of strength in me. ha ha.
He got laid off... for a day.
So he went back to work today, but it was so nice spending the day with him yesterday.
I cooked lunch, and we had fun. We didn't argue until later when we both got home. I had a moment of crabbiness. Not sure why. But he went and got us some food before the storm hit. And things were fine again.
I still haven't decided how I am going to get my hair cut. Perhaps just a trim will suffice.
I need to quit being lazy, and get a job. ha ha.
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2006 17 July :: 12.54pm
So obviously my boyfriend either cares about whether or not I live through this crappy heat or he just wants me to put more clothes on so we can have people over.. hahaha He decided to put the air conditioner in.. Even though maintainance was supposed to do it and rape us of our money that we do not have.. bastards.. hahaha
So now it is getting cooler in here as we speak and i am happy..
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2006 17 July :: 12.43am
:: Mood: much better
:: Music: genesis (yes, still)
alrighty. i'm doing a lot better. and to evidence the change of spirit, i now entail the assistance of a webcomic, directed particularly at one shannon rench, who i assume will be internet stalking me tomorrow sometime before i talk to her.
i could be wrong though.
because they want to know what the hell is wrong with you.
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2006 16 July :: 12.42am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: genesis
big book
i started feeling better today while i was at work. i just made the realization that i needed to let go of the physical. there's just so much more than that. i lied when i said i wanted to cum more than anything. i really didn't care. i just knew she wanted me to. and i love her. to death. and whatever she wants. i mean, the physical cannot be ignored, but there's so much beyond that. i was getting too caught up in it.
i also had the opportunity of a nice talk over dinner tonight with dad, since kevin fucking ditched on me.
it's interesting hearing your own father say "i needed half a pint of vodka in me, just to bring myself to get up and go to work in the morning. and i didn't think that was a problem." and then to know that you can tell that very same man that you drink, and have him look right back in your eyes, smile, and tell you to do some research: look within yourself, within a book, within the world around you. no condemnation. no know-it-all bullshit. just honest help, with honest answers. that is truly love beyond anything i've ever been capable of providing.
i want that capacity. and i intend to make full use of it.
for now.
it's time for me to read this book. i can sleep in tomorrow.
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2006 15 July :: 1.18am
:: Mood: crappy
meh. i've run the emotional gamut in the last 12 hours or so. it's been interesting. nothing in particular happened to cause this. it just kind of did it on its own.
i know the feelings aren't true. i mean, they are real feelings, but they don't represent reality. but i can't just pretend the feelings don't exist. they obviously do. so, how do i strike that balance? tell me how.
i want to go swimming. i want to run away. even if there's nothing to run away from. just dissapear for like a week. not to escape my problems. they'll be waiting anxiously when i return. and that's fine. i just want some time alone without them first, that's all.
i wrote a horrible entry in opendiary. it just ran around in circles until i got tired. i don't know why i do this sometimes. perhaps it's a homeopathic remedy for paranoid psychosis. that would be nice. anything to stop me from freaking out anymore.
dad would say to pray about it.
mom would say to get medicine.
bruce would say to take a break, relax somehow. or just plow through it.
so, what would i say? i know i would say something. i just don't know what it is.
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2006 14 July :: 9.26am
:: Mood: Incomplete.
:: Music: If I Close My Eyes : Reina
It seems like yesterday I was daddy's little girl..
Today is another one of those days where I'm awake at 6 o'clock. You'd think I'd accomplish more on these days. However all I do accomplish is nothing. Haha funny how that works out. This morning was different however. Actually, the whole night was different. It was too hot to cuddle. So we did everything possible to make it cold in there so that we could. Neither of us can sleep if we aren't touching each other. We slept in the same postition all night long. That never happens. And when he moved to turn his alarm off, I instantly woke up. And have been awake since. I didn't want him to go to work. I tried wrapped myself around him to try and make him stay. But it didn't work. He has to go to work. And now I sit here trying my hardest to not text him or call him. I know that sooner or later he will text me or call me. It makes me feel like we're a pathetic old couple or something. If I don't text or call him by a certain time, he calls me. Or if he misses me and doesn't want to admit it, he'll call to see what's up. Like Sunday I think it was he called me like 4 times. And it bugged him that I wasn't at home missing him. I was actually out and about.
I feel like I've let my family down. Especially my sister. I keep thinking that if I had moved to Ohio when I graduated to live with my sister, that things would be better than they are now. (Not that there is anything wrong with my life right now, I'm incredibly happy). I feel like I've let her and Derrick down, because I haven't gone to college yet. And I know how much they want me to. I don't like that feeling. Making my sister happy, and proud of me, means more than making my mom happy and proud of me. I chose a mediocre job that I no longer have, over college. And now I'm choosing what I feel like is love, over pretty much everything else. I'm living this life that most 19 year old don't live until their atleast 22. If I have kids, it won't be until after I'm married. And I don't want to get married, atleast anytime soon.
There's moment where I feel like giving up and just running away, but then I think of what I've got and who comes home to me everyday, who I have to sleep next to every night, and I couldn't be happier. I wouldn't change it for anything. Even though I hate my apartment more than anything, I absolutly love the life I've created. And who I've created it with.
Oh yeah, and I'm getting a hair cut.. I need ideas.
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2006 11 July :: 8.24am
:: Mood: *awake*
:: Music: *jolene - mindy smith*
*the sun rises as i sleep, but i watch it intently as it starts to peek*
Lately my emotions have been more in the blah state. I have no reason not to be happy. However I don't have any particular reason to express my happiness. Well, no new reasons anyway. I think it may have to do with being a female. Oh well. I'm working on not being as insecure. It's taking longer than I want it to. But obviously you can't rush a feeling like that away. It just doesn't disappear. As much as I wish it did, I will have to deal. I think I'm still in shock that this is my longest relationship and I haven't tried to run away from it. There are moments where I piss him off intentionally just to test him. I'm really surprised that he's still with me and still wants to be with me, after all the shit that has gone on in the last 8+ months. I'm getting used to this whole 'mom' thing. Slowly. I'm still unsure of a few things. And it'd probably be easier, a lot easier if she were younger. Also, it'd probably be easier if she were mine. But I guess I'll have to deal with that as well. Then again, I'm trying not to get too attached, because you never know what may happen. As happy as we are, things could be over just like that.
Anyway.. I hate being up early. It makes my day feel even more pointless. More time to sit on my ass and think about what to do. More time to stress about finances. Not having a job. More time to spend thinking about things that 'normal' people don't think about. To clean an apartment that I despise. I need a hobby. I started a puzzle. I seemed to have lost interest in it. Most likely because there are a few edge pieces missing, I get bored easily, and I think I have A.D.D.. I'm reading a book, but I only read when I'm in the tub, because it's the only place I seem to be able to focus enough to actually comprehend what is going on in the book. It's sad really.
My eyes burn when I wear my glasses and I'm more tired. My eyes burn when I wear my contacts. There seems to be no happy medium. And its like the worst feeling in the world. It feels like someone is taking grains of salt/sand and rubbing them across my eyes.
My hatred towards Courtney has grown these past few days. I don't know why I get so pissed. If he wanted to be with her like she claims he does, then he'd obviously be with her instead of me. But clearly he's not. She's like mom in a way. Once things are going great and there's a friendly atmosphere, she fucks it all up. This whole situation reminds me of the song Jolene.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green
Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Jolene
He talks about you in his sleep
And there's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, Jolene
But I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him even though you can
Jolene, Jolene
Sadly this is what my life consists of. Fighting her off, watching music videios and finding songs to fit my mood.
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2006 11 July :: 1.41am
:: Mood: excellent
:: Music: jamiroquai - travelling without moving
i want to make music.
i want to write stories.
i want to be muscular.
i want to be athletic.
i want to be sweet.
i want to make girls swoon.
i don't know why i want any of these things. but i always have.
i think it's because of the fact that i have so MANY things i would like to be, that i can't be the best at any of them, because my energies are so thinly dispersed. so, knowing that i CAN'T be the best at anything, what do i want to be? what is it that i can be content doing, even in mediocrity? or am i simply forced to live in frustrated, futile pursuit of an ideal i can never realistically achieve? i have a feeling that the latter will be the case. that will push me to advance the most, since i really have no internal drive. my drive has always been external. in soccer, music, writing, everything. i only did them because somebody else, usually someone i really respected, told me that i was good at it, and i should give it a try, or keep at it, depending on the circumstance. and when there's nobody there to pat me on the shoulder and stroke my ego and say i'm good at it, then i suppose i have to say it to myself.
"chris, you're good at this. you figured out this chord thing without hardly trying. that's quite a feat. you used your help, your resources, but it took you putting that stuff together in such a way, which is really impressive." but i can't tell myself that. it's just too cocky. i just try to do the best i can. i'm pleased with my efforts when other people are impressed by the results. then and only then. maybe, too, when i myself am impressed by the results, which is rare.
everybody wants a piece. but there's not enough of me to go around. the question is, who gets one? do i? who gets the shaft, then? somebody has to. it is inevitable, whenever demand exceeds supply.
so why isn't my cost going up? i guess it's not the people with money that want me, i suppose.
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2006 8 July :: 1.33am
:: Mood: tired
scholarships.
for miss katie booms:
http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C1CA875D-DC52-0776-796A810F60FA6887
for me to remember:
http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C0B723DB-9B6D-A2E8-39506818EAC1A5C3
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working a lot. doing stuff. tomorrow's the last day of work this week. i'm seeing 'pirates' on sunday with lindsay, that should be super-fun times.
it was absolutely marvelous to have shannon come up this week. i had a great time, what little time there was. i'm looking forward to next week as well, but i feel bad that she has to drive up here two weeks in a row, and yet i'm too cheap to return the favor.
in other news, i have a stepmom. that's exciting. she's pretty cool. i'm pleased with the advancement. i'm really happy for her and dad.
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2006 5 July :: 6.01pm
Yesterday Mike and I moved the rest of his stuff in.
My apartment is finally starting to look right..
My living room actually looks like a living room, its not bare anymore.. Still don't have a couch though.
And I've been doing a lot of cleaning.
My fish keep dying.
I clean the tank and they die one by one..
It's retarded..
And right now I am talking to Mike the guy from Tech/Petosky..
It's weird.. haha
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2006 3 July :: 10.00pm
People really piss me off. Especially those who know you're right but won't admit it so they insist on starting a fight. It's completely fucking retarded. And she's a total CUNT!. Yes, Im not afraid to say it. And I know most of you hate the word. But it best describes this person.
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2006 2 July :: 8.08pm
Some of you know, that I have incredibly screwed up dreams.. Well last night was a series of them. None of them had to do with each other either. Anyway.. The one that was the strangest, was Tony killed himself in downtown GR, and ended up being Mike's brother. And we tried to save him by using cheese to absorb some of the blood. However, it didn't work. And when we got back to my apartment, Jessa, Marty and Clem were here with like 6 other people having a party celebrating Jessa and Marty working through their marital problems. And when I told Jessa about Marty, it didn't seem to affect her. But when I came back from telling everyone else, she was in the corner selling girl scout cookies.
Not sure what the whole dream meant.. but whatever.
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2006 30 June :: 6.01am
Day off today...yay!
Thinking about going to the Sand Lake Fair thingy. If anyone else wanted to give me a call. 915-8445.
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2006 30 June :: 3.36am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: me! (on drums)
et cetera
you know?
i don't. but i'm cool with that. there's much less pressure that way; less responsibility. i like not knowing. adds a sense of adventure.
i'm still alive, just in case anyone was getting worried. hung out with kevin. hung out with shannon. i've been working a lot, lifting weights a little, and stuff like that. i've been working with the digital recorder a little bit too. that thing is fun. i only wish i knew better how to work it. there is so much untapped potential there. but it works well enough for my purposes, for the moment.
i haven't been writing anything lately. i've been trying to keep up with my reading, but even that has been slow lately. the only cognitive thing i've done lately is i proofread a guy's doctoral thesis earlier tonight. for some reason it makes me feel alright knowing that even professors at U of M write bad papers sometimes. not that it was bad, but i mean, there were some mistakes, which i caught. i'm sure i also missed a lot. and i didn't do most of it. bruce did. he just asked me to finish what he hadn't done. he's a better writer anyway, so i'm glad he did it. not to mention, the whole thing was like forty pages.
two more days. then i get a breather again. sunday i'm dj-ing for grandpa and grandma best's fiftieth wedding anniversary. and tuesday i'm going over to kevin's. aside from that, i work. i'm working saturday, monday, wednesday, etc. this (and next) week. it's crazy talk. but i like the overtime. too bad i don't get holiday pay. those fuckers.
shit. it's time for bed. i keep forgetting things. it's bothering me. bed. right.
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2006 28 June :: 4.06am
:: Mood: *happy*
:: Music: *push - sarah mclachlan*
*as my past turns to ashes i build a life i won't forget*
Been suffering the past few days with a terrible headache.
I've tried everything to get rid of it.
And nothing seems to help.
I think the cause of my headache was partly from an over-abundance of unwelcomed, inexplainable stress.
I suppose it's what I get for being a paranoid over analyzing insecure girl who suffers from PMDD.
However, some of my insecurities have been surpassed.
With a little help from my wonderful boyfriend, who I love more than anything.
Saturday night he helped me realize that he does love me, without even saying the three words I want him to say more than anything.
I guess I will just have to deal with it and wait until he is ready to tell me.
Have I mentioned that I'm impatient as well?
Anyway, today my headache eased up a bit.
Even moreso when he surprised me with some good news.
Starting next week he'll no longer be on third shift.
They are transfering him to first.
He's wanted this for so long.
No more sleeping alone at night.
Maybe we can start to have a "normal" relationship for once.
Hopefully tomorrow we go pick up his car or as he says "our car".
He's buying a 98 ford mustang.
Kind of excited because he's going to let me drive it.
I am still in need of a job.
So if anyone knows of anything, please let me know.
At this point I will settle for almost anything.
I'll baby sit all summer if I have to.. Well if the pay is right.. I do have rent to pay.
Tonight I was able to do something that I spent 2 years thinking I was never going to be able to do. Since I got over him, I still had this thought in the back of my mind, that if he were to come back around and tempt me, I'd go running back, with arms open. They say you never forget your first love. Back then I thought he was my first love. But I was wrong. It was just a deep infatuation gone wrong. I finally have the self-control that I was lacking for a long time. I am finally able to say no, to the one person I wasn't able to say it to. He told me what he was thinking, and asked me what I was thinking. The thoughts in my mind were nothing near what he had on his mind. Two years ago or so, they would have been the same. I can finally say this without hesitation. I am completely over him. I will be able to have a friendship with him and not think about what would happen the moment we were alone. The only person I think about in that way, is my boyfriend. The only person I want to think about that way, is my boyfriend. He means the world to me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Some of you may know who him is, infact he may even be reading this. If you don't and are confused, then it's better that way.
And if you are reading this, I am not sorry that you weren't the one on my mind, but I am sorry for the way you must have felt when you found out you weren't. Multiply that by atleast 3, and thats the way I felt for 2 years or so when I thought I had my chance when really I didn't.
I feel quite relieved now.
[x]
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rayray
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2006 25 June :: 2.22am
So as most of you know, the last few days I have been questioning a lot of things and looking for answers.
Until today, I was questioning whether or not he really does love me.
I was confused because he's never said it.
Today, he made me realize that he really does.
All it took was the kiss he gave me and the way he looked into my eyes.
The intensity of the kiss was just amazing.
He's never kissed me like that before.
Now I must continue to go sweat my ass off and finish watching the movie I rented.
[x]
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