You would kill for this, Just a little bit, You would...

:: 2006 23 May :: 6.32pm

Good news: I do not have cancer.
Bad news: I am in desperate need of new tires for my car.

:: 2006 23 May :: 12.45pm

45 Minutes until I get my biopsy results back.
I'm a little nervous.
But that is expected when you have a biospy.

And I've decided that I want to grow old with Mike, marry him, and have kids with him.

:: 2006 21 May :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: Exhausted
:: Music: Ridin' Dirty ~ Chamillionaire

Cuttlerville cops are total bitches.
I love my boyfriend so much.
After last night, I love him so much more.
I am finally doubt free.
And I trust him completely.
I could totally pull off the Uni-Bomber look.
Shit, I look 8 times better than him.
I don't hate my car that much anymore.
It can keep up with a crotch rocket pretty damn good.

spud	:: 2006 18 May :: 1.54pm :: Mood: motivated i cleaned up my room some. i have to run to the bank, because bruce was complaining. ... "is it cool to hit the sauce when you've got a bun in the oven?" i need not say more. 3 Open Fire \| [x]

:: 2006 18 May :: 11.50am

I hate being my mothers slave.
I hate having to do laundry twice a week.
I hate being unemployed.
I hate this crappy weather. If it's going to rain, STORM DAMNIT!
I hate sleeping alone at night.
I hate when my face breaks out, I'm bloated, my body hurts and all I feel like doing is crying.

I love Mike, my friends, family, and the fact that I have my own place to live, that I worked for.
Something about that, just makes me feel like I have actually accomplished something in my life.

My sister and my brother-in-law will be up Memorial weekend. I am excited about that. I love my sister, and miss her.

Well this is all for now, until I can think of something else important or worth typing.

:: 2006 17 May :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: headache : (
:: Music: muse - absolution

man, i really suck at first-person shooters. and apparently they give me headaches too.

so i'm done with those.

i miss my girly. i really hope she can come up this weekend.

i guess dad planned a skating party over at plainfield on sunday for libby's birthday.

i'm way too tired. far more than i should be.

and this headache stuff is bullshit.

i can't even think. not that i really could to begin with, but you know.

i work tomorrow. that's exciting.

:: 2006 16 May :: 5.06pm

My life is so exciting.
So exciting infact, all I do is lay in bed watching movies.
But most the time I am sleeping.
I have no ambition to do anything.
I procrastinate getting up to go to the bathroom.
Completely sad and not right, I know, however I just don't feel like moving.
Hopefully things will change soon.

3 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 16 May :: 2.08am

Today Mike and I decided that I'm a total nerd, much like my father and brother. Go me.
I get to look forward to growing old on the couch, watching tv with my hand down my pants.
As it looks right now, my future is doomed.
Well, sort of.
My brother and my father are good people. They mean well. I love them dearly.
However, my dad is going to die a lonely miserable sex deprived old man with more electronics than fingers and toes.
And my brother, well not so sure. One day, he will get married and have kids. I hope anyway.

Also, my face is really soft. I need a job.
I'm desperate.

:: 2006 14 May :: 2.44am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: the ladd mcintosh big band

mothers' day
well, i finished making mom's present. i just wound up doing what shannon said, since i figured mom would appreciate the creativity, and i didn't get to stop by the crafts store anytime this week.

and i had to ditch on kevin tonight. and i'll have to tomorrow as well, or, at the very least, postpone it until later in the evening, depending on how late we wind up staying at grandma's.

working saturdays sucks. especially when you're not getting paid overtime for it.

i assume i'll feel better about everything once i get my first check. which should be friday. so, less than a week and i'll be seeing a couple hundred bucks. that should shut me up some.

although, if i were working full time, like on my own-ness, life would suck. i'd have no friends. and i'd barely be scraping by. seriously. let's do the math a second:

$11 / hr.
40 hrs / wk.
= $440 gross/ wk. (= approx. $300 net)
$300 / wk.
52 wks. / yr.
= $15,600 / yr. INCOME

rent = $300 / mo.
utilities = $100 / mo.
food, etc. = $100 / wk.
= approx. $10,000 EXPENSES

= $5,600 miscellaneous expenses, savings, etc. / yr.

not to mention i'd be completely miserable. i personally don't know how dad does it. i mean, i just couldn't keep plugging away with that staring me in the face.

but in all truth, sometimes i don't see me keeping plugging away as the current situation sits either. i mean, i'm making maybe $6000 / yr. instead; and i have MORE expenses ($15,000 +) than i would if i weren't going to school, and the only thing i seem to have going for me is the fact that i'm NOT completely miserable, and hopefully when all is said and done, my school will have paid for itself, and i'll be able to be un-miserable, and more financially productive in my given field.

i just don't know if it will work. it's a good theory. but will it work?

at any rate, 'tis a far, far better thing to go to school than to waste away in some factory.

however, looking at these numbers, i won't be able to start a family for at least another 5 - 10 years. not that i'm in any great hurry. i just think it would be nice to have a family and a home. and i would potentially like to start on it before i'm 30.

:: 2006 14 May :: 12.27am

Today I after I spent the morning and most of the afternoon cuddling with Mike, he left me to go spend time with his daughter. So I went to go spend time with my dad and my brother. Mike called me like 4 freakin' times, after he threw this big fit about how I can't be away from him for more than an hour without calling or texting him. So I had no intention of doing so. I was going to just go on with my day. Anyway, I was doing laundry at my dads and Mike called me and I mentioned him coming over. In a way I was joking, because I am still not fond of letting my family meet my boyfriend for some reason. Anyway, he came over for a couple of hours. He seems to get along great with my dad and brother. Kind of scary, but what can you do. And then he left because he had to go to work.

Thursday he was supposed to work, but they told him they didn't need him.. So he called me and acted like he was all pissed off at me, and whatnot, and as we're talking on the phone about to start arguing, he walks in my apartment. It was cute. And I was so happy to see him..

Last night we went to his cousins and then to his uncles.. where his uncle proceeded to hit on me. Which was weird, but what can ya do.. And then we dicked around and came home and cuddled.

I miss him a lot.

My brother and I were watching Into the Blue and he asked if this guy was going to spray Jessica Alba with a hose and get her wet, and I was like no, and my brother was like "well I'd spray her with it to get her wet" and because I'm a big jerk I said "thats the only way you'd be able to get her wet".. I don't think I've witnessed my dad laugh that hard. It was funny. :)

Almost as good as when I told my dad that there was something on the tv and he goes "well your brother was probably watching porn again and started licking the tv" and I replied with "why would there be a cock in the corner of the tv?"

:) Gotta love it!

3 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 13 May :: 12.51am
:: Music: acoustic alchemy - radio contact

man. i probably shouldn't make a habit of this having a nightcap after work, but gol' durn it sure is nice.

i mean, it's really cool to have my body go numb and all the little noises to go quiet before i go to sleep. and it's not like it's so much as to cause a problem in the morning. it's just enough.

i don't think it's a problem. i could stop if i wanted to. like this weekend. that'd be good.

wheee. i should've seen this coming. i just enjoy the fact that i can't feel my face far too much. but yet i can still type and stuff....

meh. i don't think it's going to be an issue. i mean, it might be, but as long as i just respect things for what they are.

no sangria tonight though.

tonight is white russian. it's much better when its not 2% milk and orange rum, let me tell you. there's a fun story.

it involves kevin having sex in my parents' waterbed.

good times, good times.

:: 2006 12 May :: 9.47am

A sad day for rock and roll. The frontman for Pinback left. He formed a new band. Sigh, they are called......Goblin Cock. This is not a joke. Jay is sad. : (

:: 2006 12 May :: 1.27am

WOO!!! SANGRIA!!!

driving hilos is kinda fun.

that is all.

oh, and it looks like i have a place to live this fall. yay!

and driving hilos is fun.

and i'm taking the truck into the shop tomorrow.

but you already knew that.

shannon is super-serial sexiness.

but you knew that too.

man, my fingers won't work anymore....

:: 2006 11 May :: 5.20pm

The truth does hurt
Im not doing this stupid shit on the internet. You got something to say, you can come say it to my face. Otherwise, were done with.

Nick wants me to come with him to second shift. Actually made me feel like a decent employee when he told me he wanted some of his "good, dependable" stockers to help him out. Only shitty thing is if i do, i'll make less. The lease is almost up, and things have been crazy latly.

Heard the full effects of scientology. Stupidest fucking thing EVER created. A-list celebrities are assholes.

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 11 May :: 12.48am
:: Mood: sleepyish
:: Music: boney james - sweet thing

charlevoix was fucking sweet. i want to go back there and stay in that place and that moment forever and ever. but i can't.

that being said, i started work on tuesday. and i'm making calls about living arrangements for next fall. so far no luck.

work is pretty cool. the guys are nice and relaxed, which is cool. and the work is sort of interesting. i'm basically unloading semi-trailers right now. and sorting the stuff that we're unloading. it's lots of pushing and pulling and lifting and stuff. but tomorrow i take my hilo test. hopefully that goes well. there's a written portion, as well as a practical, with an obstacle course and everything. hopefully i do alright.

friday morning i made an appointment to take the truck into the shop and have them replace the steering relay rod. apparently it's like a 4 hour job. and it's all free, because it's a recall part. sweetness. maybe i'll get an alignment out of the deal. i'll be sure to bring a book.

so, life keeps on trucking, faster than i can keep up. but that's okay.

i don't have to keep up. because everyone is so wonderful to me.

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 10 May :: 5.26pm

Im selling my saxophone if anyone knows anyone who wants it. 800$$ like new.

:: 2006 10 May :: 3.32pm

To everyone who doesnt know. You cannot call the police to go to someone elses home and take something you left there. If you tell them its stolen, and it isnt, its a false police report, and you'll go to jail. ^^. So dont lie about things you dont know about.

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 9 May :: 1.46am

Going from my computer to my moms..
Wow..
I thought I was blind. Her letters are huge.
I have to be up at 5 to take my mom to the Carson City Hospital to have surgery. It is currently 1:47. I cannot sleep and have been awake for a LONG time.
I'm turning into such a hick.
Or my white trash side is showing.
Either or, Mike and I are going to some race/mud bog thing in orleans friday. Shall be interesting.
Tomorrow is going to suck. Wednesday will probably such just as much. And same goes for Thursday.
But it was nice to lay on the couch and cuddle with my skilo kitty kitty.
He's as cute as a button. I love him.

Im going to go back to the couch and cuddle with him and drink my yummy warm gatorade.

:: 2006 5 May :: 11.31pm
:: Mood: *contemplative*
:: Music: *leave the pieces - the wreckers*

*just one of those days*
The one time I need my mom, she doesnt answer her phone.
I need the strength to give up. To quit fighting this.
But in a way I do have the strength because I'm admitting that I need to give up.
I've never tried this hard for anything.
I've never wanted anything more than this.
I've never loved anyone as much as I love him.
But maybe I needed to find that one thing I had to give up, because I've never had it before.
Or maybe I'm just scared that he'll never love me as much as I love him.
That I'm not good enough for him. No matter how much I try to make myself be.
I'm the most insecure person that is completely sure of how she feels.
Or maybe its the fact that things are going so great that I can't stand it. That it feels like something is wrong. I used to run away from a good relationship after a month. But this one has lasted 6 months. I've never fought for something this much.
I need someone to tell me its okay to be with him. I need someone to be on my side. I need something or someone to help me through this.

I told Jay tonight that he's lucky because he has alcohol to help him excape reality when things get tough. I have nothing. I don't do drugs. I gave up drinking. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't drink again. I don't want to turn out like my mother. I want/need more self control.

I need a hobby, because I do too much thinking when I just sit around. When Mike is at work and I'm up at the wee hours of the morning, I sit and think. I wonder about all the insane possibilites. I think up things that it shouldn't even be possible to think about. And I feel crazy. I feel like I should be locked up somewhere for scientific research.

Oh and I've decided that I want pictures of all of you so I can make one huge collage to put up in my apartment. The walls are too bare and I can't paint them. So start sending.

Stacy, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like you to take some pictures for me. I've seen some of your stuff, and its amazing.

Same with you Carley. I envy your talent.

:: 2006 4 May :: 7.20pm

I got my new phone today, because I kick ass.
No, my other one was broken.
My brother got a new phone today too.
The same one I got.
It came out today. I was the first person to buy it!
Well I wish. But probably not.
I am having a great day already.
Started at like 7:30 this morning.
When my boyfriend got out of work.
And came over to cuddle with me.
I love him.
Just thought you kids should know that.
In case you didn't already.
I'm going to go play with my new phone.

:: 2006 4 May :: 3.49pm

The more I think about what I want to do with my life, the more i think about just seeing the world. I guess thats my goal in life, is to travel the world. try and see everything. *shrug*

6 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 4 May :: 10.32am
:: Mood: lame
:: Music: tengo la camisa negra....

alas; earwax.

one more day. and i've done absolutely nothing to prepare for the journey. or even the simple fact that it's been a week.

i'm supposed to be waiting for a package to arrive. no word yet. if it's not here by noon, tough shit, because i have to go to orientation for work. but i can't find my birth certificate. and tomorrow i need to go to grand valley in the morning blah blah blah.

check out dungeonman 3, with new l337 gr4f1x. it'll kick your ass before you knew what hit you. but in a good way.

1 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 4 May :: 9.37am

All I have to say is wow.
Not what I expected.

:: 2006 3 May :: 1.01am
:: Mood: not tired enough

it's been cool hanging out with kevin for the past couple of days. we split the bottle of j�germeister last night, while we watched dogma. that was a lot of fun. we're both badasses, but at the same time, kind of classy. and that's fucking sweet.

going to chicago tomorrow with mom and libby. should be fun.

job training on thursday.

friday we leave for charlevoix. chris = indescribably excited.

oh, and i got my final grades for school.

Statistics: A
German: A
EuroCiv (history): B -
EuroCiv (literature): B -

and i'm going to have to go into the office on thursday and bitch some people out, because they didn't give me credit for my band class. however, i'm excited, simply because i'm not on probation. after one year of college, my cumulative gpa is a whopping 3.5. which i was pleased with. i just keep shooting for above a 3.2. and apparently, i keep hitting the mark, and indeed, going above and beyond it. which is nice. but i know the road will only get steeper as i get into my major courses. it's all uphill from here. but at least i have a semi-safe start. which pleases me greatly.

alrighty. so, i guess we're getting up at seven tomorrow. suppose i'm not getting much sleep tonight. that's what i get for taking a fucking nap.

i didn't mean to, honest!

but i'm feeling much better knowing that i'm starting to have things to do again. and i'm just coming to grips with my new/old life again. that transition has been more traumatic than i initially suspected. at least i'm having some help along the way.

love you guys.

and i miss my girlfriend.

3 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 2 May :: 5.33pm

This guy on myspace sent me a message the other day, asking if i own a yellow cavalier and if mike and i are still together.. And that he wants to see us again real soon. Mike and I don't know this guy, at all. We don't know a guy named Matt that lives in greenville..

Today he sent me a message that said he was hopnig him and i could have conversation other than on the computer and that if im interested to let him know and he'll let me know how to get ahold of him..

Talk about a creep.

:: 2006 1 May :: 10.49pm

So everything is back to normal.
We are incredibly happy.
I love it.
I love him.
We had a long discussion today.
Which we will finish tomorrow.
And I truly love him.

There was a reason for this entry, but now I do not remember its purpose. Ah well.

:: 2006 1 May :: 1.15pm

So after a night of sleeping on my bathroom floor, and fighting through text messages, I wake up with the worst back ache.
How could he possibly think that I don't love him.
Ugh.

:: 2006 30 April :: 10.09pm

I managed to sleep my day away, and wake up still tired.
Go me.
Still no kitten.

:: 2006 30 April :: 9.39pm
:: Music: ryan's guitar / kevin's WOW

shannon's last weekend was fun. i had a good time. met jesse. met uncle dan. had dinner wit sum folks. it was nice.

i'll be going up to charlevoix with them this coming weekend. i'm looking very much forward to that.

ummm... other stuff...

got a 98% on my stats exam.

the GTI is dead, and we're not going to insure it anymore. hopefully i can get it running still, so if we wind up selling it, we won't be entirely raped. i don't want to sell it though. it's a fun car. but if i can't drive it, then what's the point?

steelcase this summer. orientation thursday.

wednesday i'm going to chicago with mom and libby to get some work done on the mini.

stuff, etc.

i'm getting distracted and forgetful. i'll come back later when i'm more sharp.

7 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2006 29 April :: 12.44am
:: Mood: *in the you can kiss my ass kind of mood*
:: Music: *If you leave me now - Chicago*

*a continuation to my endless rant, call my life*
I don't know what it is, but songs by Chicago, make me want to sing. Extremely loud.

It's hard for me to say I'm sorry, and If you leave me now.

A lot like love is one of my favorite movies. I've seen it like 42 times in the last 3 weeks.

I finally caved in and went to the grocery store and bought some food. Of course I just had to get some Orange Hi-C. It's the best beverage ever. And I was in the aisle that has soup, and I was getting chicken noodle.. And there is like 8 different kinds. Theres superhero shaped noodles, dora the explorer, alphabet, circles, and like 3 other kinds.. besides the regular noodles.. Crazy.

I don't understand it. My boobs are shrinking, yet my stomach is getting bigger. I eat too much fast food (Taco Bell).

I went to Belding, Cedar Springs, and Sheridan today.

I really really really really really really really really really really want a kitten. So that I can name it Otis. Even if it's a girl. Just kidding. Otis is the name of my shark.

Will someone find me a kitten? Please?

I hate Alltel. They are stupid crack whore bitches. It's going to cost like 165 bucks to get my phone fixed. But my phone is still under warranty. For 165 bucks, I might as well get a newer and better phone. However, they tell me that I cannot purchase a new/different phone until 90 days before my 2 year contract is up. And being that I got my phone in July 2005, I am no-where near that. I am getting a new phone damnit. They can kiss my ass for all I fucking care. I will get a new phone..

And if that is Mike that just buzzed me, he's retarded because he has my spare keys.. fuck tart..