You would kill for this, Just a little bit, You would...

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You would kill for this, Just a little bit, You would...

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:: 2009 24 August :: 5.00pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "Sleepwalking" By: Analog Sway

Sleep walking through the party
Just like everybody
Your denim was your weapon
Shhh everybody listen.
Your boots a deadly venom...
Your lust was your addiction
You ask for no permission and
My body is the victim

Your eyes met mine across the room then
Boom

She knew she had me so she started dancing over slowly
She smiled at me as my jaw dropped to the floor.
I stood speechless and still
She went right for the kill
She took my hand and whispered,
I can show you so much more

Twist my lips in submission
From all your k k kissin
You got what Ive been missin
Shhhh boys just keep on wishin
Tonight youre on a mission
Keep me on one condition
That this becomes tradition
My body is the victim

Your eyes meet mine across the room then
Boom

Sleepless dreaming, sleepless feeling
When I saw her dance
I saw her dancing

:: 2009 24 August :: 12.42am

Little buzzed. Weak night. Check my baby mama, flip rovers not hondas! lol....

:: 2009 23 August :: 6.31pm
:: Mood: content

:P
HUGO STIGLITZ!

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 22 August :: 12.17am

Inglorious Basterds is absolutely glorious

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 21 August :: 6.31pm

This is what happens when little kids try to bug me in online games

4 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 19 August :: 4.30pm

Apparently sucks at life like the rest of society.
Still don't know to deal with frustration and stress..
Should be able to just ignore it after all these years, but if it hasn't happened yet, then it probably won't ever happen.
I need a job that I like..
Maybe then I won't be so frustrated and in super-bitch mode when I come home..

:: 2009 19 August :: 12.52pm

Classes this fall:
Database systems
Unix using Linux
Cisco Wireless Network Administrator
Computer Security and Assurance

This semester is either going to be really fucking cool or really fucking hard.

:: 2009 18 August :: 11.53am

i like to eat giant turds.

7 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 18 August :: 9.44am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "Sweet Dreams" By: Beyonce

:]
He's amazing.

:: 2009 16 August :: 8.36pm

I am in kind of a crappy mood today.
I don't deal with frustation well at all.
And I am stressed about this financial aid crap.
I just want it to all be done with already..
I have to get papers up to MCC as soon as I can, that will finish processing my financial aid..
Yeah it sounds easy considering I live like 5 miles from the college.
But I leave at 6:40 in the morning, and they don't open until like 8 or 9.. and I get out of work at 4.. and the financial aid office closes at 4:30.. and i can't get from belding to sydney with enough time to get everything situated..
So hopefully they will let me fax the papers and then go from there..

I found an online program for what I want to do, but it is not covered by financial aid or student loans, and you have to make payments on its for a year..

It's crap. I feel like I am in a rut and that it doesnt matter what I do or how hard I work toward something, that I wont ever get out of it..
I want to be successful, and have money, love and everything else..
But once an obstacle comes in my path, and I get frustrated I am just ready to give up because I get so upset.

Will it ever change?

:: 2009 13 August :: 1.13pm

Got the results of my MRI, torn cartilage and a micro fracture, have to go to a specialist.

:: 2009 11 August :: 7.53pm

So Katie's daughters surgery was yesterday and they were able to get all of the tumor.
Worst case scenario after surgery was that she wasnt going to be able to talk, walk or have any sort of movement because of the location of the tumor.
Thankfully, the surgery went very well and she was talking today.
Tomorrow they will see if she is able to walk and do all the of the other things on her own that she was doing before the surgery.

And today I was informed of more bad news.
My friend Sara's dad was in a bad car accident and is in ICU and on a ventilator.

Finally signed up for classes for fall semester today.
Then realized that today was first day of late registration and tuition was supposed to be paid same day as sign ups..
Oh well..
I guess we will just wait and see if my student loan processes right away or not..

All of this bad news has me in a slump.
That and working full days.
Im physically exhausted and don't feel like doing a damn thing.
I have a severe lack of ambition.

:: 2009 11 August :: 2.13pm

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

[] Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
[X] The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (way better than the movies)
[] Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
[X] Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (Hellz yes!)
[X] To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (too autobiographical for Lee to make a career of it...)
[] The Bible (never got through all of it. kinda big.)
[] Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
[X] Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell (just turn the fucking telescreens off, already. and quit drinking gasoline.)
[X] His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman (i LOVE this universe. so vivid.)
[]Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

[] Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
[] Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
[] Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
[] Complete Works of Shakespeare
[] Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
[X] The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (i wish they'd make a movie of this one.)
[] Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
[] Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
[] The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
[] Middlemarch - George Eliot

[] Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
[X] The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (live fast, die young)
[] Bleak House - Charles Dickens
[] War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
[X] The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams (don't trust mice anymore.)
[] Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
[] Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
[] Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
[] The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
[] Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

[] David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
[X] Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (allegory, anyone?)
[] Emma - Jane Austen
[] Persuasion - Jane Austen
[X] The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (totally redundant)
[] The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
[] Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
[] Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
[] Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne (might have... can't remember)
[] Animal Farm - George Orwell

[X] The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (and angels and demons)
[] One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
[] A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
[] The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
[] Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
[] Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
[] The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
[X] Lord of the Flies - William Golding (totally fucked up)
[] Atonement - Ian McEwan
[] Life of Pi - Yann Martel

[] Dune - Frank Herbert
[] Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
[] Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
[] A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
[] The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
[X] A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (leave it to the french to kill my favorite character...)
[X] Brave New World - Aldous Huxley (nothing brave about test-tube babies)
[] The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
[] Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
[] Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

[] Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
[] The Secret History - Donna Tartt
[] The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
[] Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
[] On The Road - Jack Kerouac
[] Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
[] Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
[] Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
[X] Moby Dick - Herman Melville (sean connery is still my favorite ishmael)
[] Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

[] Dracula - Bram Stoker
[] The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (think i read this one too.)
[] Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
[] Ulysses - James Joyce
[] The Inferno – Dante
[] Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
[] Germinal - Emile Zola
[] Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
[] Possession - AS Byatt
[] A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

[] Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
[] The Color Purple - Alice Walker
[] The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
[] Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
[] A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
[X] Charlotte's Web - EB White (been a LOOONG time)
[X] The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom (depressing)
[] Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
[] The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
[X] Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad (good companion piece for lord of the flies. reeks of symbolism.)

[] The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
[] The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
[] Watership Down - Richard Adams
[] A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
[] A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
[] The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
[] Hamlet - William Shakespeare
[X] Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
[] Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

My total: 19

Unforgivable omissions from this list:

A Separate Peace - John Knowles
The Trumpet of the Swan - EB White
Frankenstein - Mary Shelley
The Odyssey - Homer
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
Candide - Francois Voltaire
The Scarlet Letter - Nathaniel Hawthorne
The Stranger - Albert Camus
Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe
Walden - Henry David Thoreau
The Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka
Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift
The Time Machine - H.G. Wells (others might say War of the Worlds, The Invisible Man, or The Island of Doctor Moreau, but i have not read those yet)
Mark Twain (c'mon, he couldn't even make the list?)
same for Edgar Allen Poe

Man, I really need to get a life. I can't belive i've actually read that many books. ah, well. at least they're good ones.

5 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 9 August :: 12.03pm

After a long stressful week, I finally got a weekend to relax.
Found a friends daughter that is almost 2, has a brain tumor..
Found out that same day that a kid I went to school with was found dead in greenville..
Houses and cars are being broken into right next to our house, but nothing of ours has been messed with..
Shell Station was robbed at gunpoint last night, and thats like 2-3 blocks from my house..

I should lay out in the sun, but it doesnt seem to be shining all that much in my yard..
Bummer!

5 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 7 August :: 11.38pm
:: Mood: alone
:: Music: the Beatles

i often wonder whether it's better or worse that i don't post on here very often. i know that when i'm cruising my friends list, and i'm just doing a cursory screen, i'll sometimes ignore the ones that post like seven times a day. but if there's one that pops up that i haven't seen anything from in a while, i'll give it a read. i don't know. whatever. it is what it is, and if someone gets something out of it, then so be it.

apparently i have to re-learn how to be alone with myself. because i've been solitary here for approximately 9 hours, and i've been bored and lonely for approximately half of that time. so, i played wii, i did my rubiks cube, i cruised the internet, i watched superbad, and now i'm fuckin' here.

that's just lame.

and the more i think about it, the more i realize that it's exactly what i used to do to hide from myself. do a puzzle, play a game, read a book. which i think i may do shortly.

i suppose it's better than drinking myself into oblivion or getting doped up.

speaking of which, our front yard has a mole in it. probably a couple. pretty bad. i mowed this afternoon, and there were tunnels fucking everywhere. the lawn care people sprayed pesticide on it, which means the bugs that the moles feed on should die, but then the moles will just move somewhere else. we just need to kill those bastards. the neighbors won't like us very much if we just scare them off into their lawns. although, maybe then the neighbors will kill them for us.

whatever. i feel too crappy to really care that much. this sinus crud can go away any time now. it's been three days now, and i'm just getting tired of it. and i would like for my nosebleeds to have a chance to heal. that'd be great.

yeah.

well, this was uplifting. sorry about that.

i'm running sound for a live band at the crazy horse saloon on the 21st and 22nd. if you're in the area and would like to stop by, feel free. classic rock goodness, and your daily dose of spud. what more can you ask for?

i thought so.

9 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 6 August :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: AFI - Leaving Song pt 2

Don't waste your touch - you won't feel anything.

Or were you sent to save me..?
I know what I've become.
I'm just unsure of what tipped over the first domino and started the transformation.
I remember wanting to be that fairytale princess, falling in love, having a big family, being that mom that wouldn't care about the stray dog her kids dragged home.
Yadda yadda..
I remember it all vividly.

I say "remember" because as vivid as it may be, it's not my perspective now.
Not even close.

Fairytales bore me; I've become too cynical.
Too analytical.
Princess? Try Queen of Attention to Detail.

And I can't see myself giving birth to a miniature me when I can barely stand myself most days.
No sir, not for me.
Not anymore.

Don't even get me started on the "L" word.
Agh. I hear the phonetics start and my hands are already up over my ears, and I'm chanting "la-la-la-lalalala-laaaaaaaa!"
Sometimes I have such a dislike for the word that I find myself groping my crotch to make sure I haven't developed man-parts.
Yeahhhh it's that bad.

I've become the antithesis of myself.
I don't want love.
I want to use you up until I'm bored and jump ship.
That's it.
That's all I want.

I don't want best friends, it's just another term for 'convenience' anyway and as much as I'm all about convenience, I'd like to be able to get rid of you whenever I please.

Sorry, but honesty hurts.
And honestly, I'm not that sorry.

Don't get me wrong: there's still a select few (three, rather) that still sit inside my private circle - but you'd be surprised to find out who they really are.
And who they aren't.
And just where you fall.

Right now you're thinking back to every conversation we had and every topic we skimmed across.
Why? I can promise that even though you're conjuring up the worst possible scenario, you're right.
You're wondering about all the times I called.
But more importantly - all the times I didn't.
All the things I never said and never will, but also all of the things I never asked and never will - because I just don't care.

We're all aware of the famous saying by the famous person, "You learn from experience. Regret nothing."
And even though I am well aware of the fact that I mashed a few famous sayings together and couldn't name the famous somebodies, I'll tell you this:
You may learn from experience but you'll learn a lot more a lot faster watching everyone else burn themselves.
It saves on regrets, too.

"And I disintegrate
'cause this hate.. is fucking real."

:: 2009 5 August :: 12.01pm

Good Ole Teddy Roosevelt is cracked's most badass president, quite a formidable top five as well.

I hope that someone can say this about me when I die "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight."

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 4 August :: 12.58pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: "Happiness is a warm gun" By: The Beatles

She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane

The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness (is a warm gun)
Bang Bang Shoot Shoot
Happiness (is a warm gun, momma)
Bang Bang Shoot Shoot

(When I hold you in my arms)
Oooooooooh, oh yeah!

And when I feel my finger on your trigger
Oooooooooh, oh yeah!

I know nobody can do me no harm
Oooooooooh, oh yeah!

Happiness (is a warm gun, momma)
Bang Bang Shoot Shoot

Happiness (is a warm gun)
Bang Bang Shoot Shoot

Yes it is, gun!
Happiness (is a warm gun)
Bang Bang Shoot Shoot

Happiness (is a warm gun)
is a warm gun, yeeeaahhh!

:: 2009 4 August :: 1.45am

Life has been different since the wreck. You start to look at things different after that, I appreciate my life and the people I care about more.

:: 2009 3 August :: 12.07am

Gnarkill Vs Unkle Matt And The Shitbirdz

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 2 August :: 1.15pm

So I got rid of Dozer yesterday. I was sad to see him go, but I have been able to hold myself together, unlike when I got rid of my cat..
I know that its best for him and he will still be able to see Tank.
And now Chelsea loves him!! :)
So I am happy that I got to make someone else happy.
Even though Tank was super sad yesterday.

8 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 1 August :: 2.16pm

On motorcycles
From one of my ex guild members

"You're like PETA's worst nightmare - a dude who rides around, wears leather and looks for fawns to slaughter, then weigh for consumability."

:: 2009 31 July :: 2.16pm
:: Music: "Lips Like Morphine" By: Kill Hannah

Song lyrics with some minor changes.
I want a guy with lips like morphine
Knock me out every time they touch me
I wanna feel that kiss just crush me
And break me down

Knock me out!
Knock me out!

Cuz I've waited for all my life
To be here with you tonight

I want a guy with lips like morphine
Blow a kiss that leaves me gasping
I want to feel that lightning strike me
And burn me down

Knock me out!
Knock me out!

Cuz I've waited for all my life
To behere with you tonight
Just put me on my back
Knock me out again

Oh, I want a guy with lips like morphine
Knock me out everytime they touch me
I want a girl with lips like morphine
To knock me out

See I've waited for all my life
To be here with you tonight
Just put me on my back
Knock me out again.

10 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 30 July :: 6.34pm

Vick is making his return to the NFL, and that probley all i will care about this season in the NFL. Unless stafford pimps on lions. College football ftw.

:: 2009 29 July :: 4.06pm

Here's the damage report

2 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 29 July :: 8.17am

Had a terrible evening. Ran my motorcycle into a deer and skidded for about 20 feet to promptly hit the ground and flip over 3 times. Spent the rest of the night in the ER for shoulder injuries and now I have to go to my Doctor's office.

The stupid part is I was only going about 40, slowing down for a turn, and the deer couldn't have been 30 pounds. Fucker went through my windprotector and jerked the handle bars which caused my spill.

Ruined my favorite pair of jeans, my WW2 Jacket, and A ONE DOLLAR WHITE T SHIRT. Have some nasty road burns and soft tissue damage to my right shoulder.

I'll post pictures of the bike later, the right side brake pedal and lever are melted and the windshield smashed. Even the tip of the muffler on the right side melted a little bit from abrasion heat. Bike still runs and drives however, Honda built a tank in 81.

I've been up for 24 hours at this point, waiting for these painpills to kick in so I can maybe get sleep. Highlight of the day was eating a pretty good breakfast at the hospital.

AND BROKE MY FUCKING NEW GOGGLES

11 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 28 July :: 7.56pm

I want to go to Michigan's Adventures before I have to go back to class August 31. Like during the week maybe.

Who's in?

8 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 27 July :: 11.27pm

4 Open Fire | [x]

:: 2009 27 July :: 3.48am

I am tired from working late so here is this

:: 2009 27 July :: 1.54am
:: Mood: depressed

::

"There's a way about you that just seems right surrounded by drums, and you come alive to battle it."

i understand what they meant. and yeah, maybe it was just a nice little compliment, and that is all. but maybe not. it almost seems to me as if there is something more to it. as if, in that moment, they had a lucid picture of my mind and my heart and my emotions. like they took a polaroid of my soul. and, it just so happened that - as they saw it - my soul was doing its happy dance, for lack of a better term. and it's true. most of the time when i'm playing drums, i'm happy deep down. it just feels good, and i can focus on that one solitary task (which is actually quite complex and anything but solitary), and it will be enough to distract me from whatever else is going on in my life. unless of course there's a crowd of people watching. but that's not the important part. the important aspect of this observation is that the battle - the maelstrom - that they saw in that instant, isn't happening for me anymore. i mean, it happens every time i go into the basement and jam for half an hour. but then i get done, cool down, and it's gone again. i feel the same way when i'm working on cars, or running sound, or making a recording. it's fun, exciting, exhilarating. it's a challenge for me to conquer. it's a puzzle that i find absolutely fascinating. i need to figure out how it ticks... how to fix it if it's broken... what i could do to make it work better, easier, faster, louder, stronger... you get what i'm saying. then and only then am i truly happy, truly satisfied, fully energized and motivated and ... alive.

and what i want - what i REALLY want more than anything - is to feel that passion in all aspects of my daily life. and it seems that i barely feel it at all anymore. like someone just took all of my energy away. or maybe it's there, but i can't seem to reach it when i need to. it absolutely baffles me.

okay, saying all aspects of my daily life is probably misleading. if i was that excited about taking out the trash, or doing the dishes, and did those chores with the same kind of zeal or fervor that i do in playing drums, it would be creepy and weird. and i'd probably need 12 hours of sleep every day just to maintain my energy levels. so, no i don't want it quite like that. but i want to be able to have a job that i do every day, that offers me the opportunity to have little glimmers of that passion bubble up to the surface from deep within my soul every so often. just enough to remind me of why i'm alive. of why i'm here. of why the fuck nobody's killed me yet. and get a bit of a boost from it, so i have enough energy and self-motivation to be able to get in there and kick it in the butt, like i'm supposed to.

all i know is i'm sick of being poor, i'm sick of being bored, and i'm sick of being either A) stuck at home with a chore list five miles long that i refuse to do, or B) being out and about, thinking about all the chores i have back home that i'm not doing, and about all of the money i'm spending (and not making) in the process of being out. i need something else.

"Well then, I think I may be able to help you. You see, your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. his condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we vets call "environment" - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli; a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat ... is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome; angst, weltschmerz, call it what you will-"
"Moping."
"In a way, in a way. Hmm... moping, I must remember that. Well now, what can be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently?"
"...well-"
"SHH! ... no."
"Yes, well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused."
"What?"
"Confused! To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid, I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card."
"Oh... Confuse-a-Cat Ltd..."

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