godessalthena
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2012 13 September :: 7.22pm
existential crisis
i need out.
none of this has any meaning anymore.
i have no room for errors now.
nothing i do is right.
nothing i do is good enough.
i'm just a pathetic waste of time and space and i am not worth anything at all.
i just want to take a vacation.
i just want to forget i exist.
nothing seems to matter anymore.
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godessalthena
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2012 12 September :: 6.33am
I hate being so fucking broken.
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godessalthena
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2012 5 September :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: accomplished
I finished all my homework for the week. These first two classes are pretty simple, though it is just the first week. I'm feeling confident that I'll be more successful here than at SCC.
Emily says she's visiting in a month or so. We kinda ended on a sour note, but whatever. I think she was just so excited to get the fuck out of dodge. I just hate feeling like I'm not important to her. And anymore, we don't have anything in common, and we're both so busy.
My Rika is SO fucking cute. She's now about 4 and a half months, and she's still INSANELY tiny. Two pounds max. And she loves getting kisses, and cuddling, and sitting in your lap and giving you kisses and she growls so adorably. She's just the biggest bucket of cute ever.
It's my weekend. Today is designated "game day" so lots of Alan Wake and D&D, and then maybe some Being Human later.
Hopefully this weekend makes me feel better than the last one.
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godessalthena
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2012 29 August :: 1.50am
You know they write songs about girls like you..
This could be the end of everything..
Shining when I'm alone..
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godessalthena
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2012 25 August :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: Apprehensive
So I stopped working out after my birthday, not sure why other than lazy and got out of the habit. I lost 16lbs, gained 5lbs back. Samie and I are starting workouts again today.
I have to lose somewhere between 75 and 90 pounds total to be at a healthy weight. I know in the past I have become discouraged looking at that number, at the big picture. This time around I'm going to focus on the little wins. My goal is 1-2 pounds a week, which I think is reasonable. I'm going to take pictures of myself every 10lbs so I can have them for myself when I reach my final goal.
I'd be super pumped and say that I'm going to do this and succeed, but I think we all know that's just stupid. I really want to succeed this time..
I start school on the 3rd of September, but I'm worried about it. My academic counselor is a flakey mcflakerson so I don't even know what classes I'm taking. I should have my AA in 9 months, hopefully by then I'll have a new position in the company. I think this is finally the turning point in my life where I start doing things to improve myself, rather than skate by.
Here's to my success. Good luck, me.
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mochababy49319
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2012 24 August :: 11.19pm
Started a new job today at Play N Trade. I absolutely love it there.
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godessalthena
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2012 23 August :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: angry
Dear Mark,
I wasn't sure what to think of you when we started training. Then we started sitting next to each other on the floor and I immediately connected with you. I wanted so badly to be your friend and be a part of your life. So I did everything in my power to become close friends with you.
To be completely honest, I was in love with you for a part of that. I don't know why, because you were always a selfish, fair weather asshole.
I have no idea what I saw in you. All those late nights being head over heels for you. And then you left the team and I saw you once after that. Because you didn't give two shots about me. I was a joke. You even let your friends drunk dial me and make fun of me. You're such a waste of my time and feelings. I had devoted so much of my time trying to get any bit of reciprocation out of you in any way and it was all for nothing.
I'm just so done with you. All I am to you is a number in your phone.
Well fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
I don't ever want to hear from you again. You're dead to me. Like you should have been when you tried to finger my room mate while I was sitting RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO YOU.
I hate you Mark Alice.
Sincerely,
ameber
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godessalthena
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2012 18 August :: 2.06pm
I really don't understand you..
I had a TON of fun playing D&D last night! Tho I'm super tired this morning.
Now to go to work n be lonely. :(
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m&ms487
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2012 17 August :: 8.48am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Fun: Carry On
School starts again in about a week. I'm able to get in my office on Monday (hopefully). I just had a student email me about the syllabus for class. I don't have it done. Prep week doesn't even start until next week, and I don't even officially get paid for my work until the week after that.
Lots of things going on. I'm the president of the Graduate Student Union this year. I'm on staff of our creative writing publication. I'm teaching, taking classes, writing my thesis, and on the board of a non-profit. I'm also probably doing a innovative teaching academy program, and applying to PhD programs. Of course, all of these things are unpaid, and when it's all said and done, I make less than minimum wage. Oh, the joys of higher education.
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godessalthena
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2012 15 August :: 1.58pm
It's always so strange finding people you once loved and seeing how completely insane they've become.
I'm starting to feel like there really isn't any hope for this batch, we need to scratch it and start over again.
I'm finally at a place in my life where I find my body beautiful. And it's hard to want to make a change to it. What's more is I don't want to change because I don't want to become just another bimbo in the main stream.
I hate this culture sometimes.
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godessalthena
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2012 9 August :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Jenna Marbles
Headed out soon to Samie's, picking up the gang and then out to the Steelhead and then to PJ's :3 I love drinking with Samie haha it's always a fucking blast!
Prefunking at home, Sus is a good DD :3 and cornstarch is a lifesaver haha
I'm so excited!!
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godessalthena
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2012 5 August :: 3.02pm
Tuesday makes 4 years. We're going to Silverwood and in general being silly. I just hope it turns out to be epic!
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godessalthena
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2012 4 August :: 8.35pm
I am so fucking sick of myself.
I just want to restart all this bullshit.
Actually I just want to never had done any of this stupid shit and do something better.
Fuck I suck.
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godessalthena
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2012 2 August :: 10.58pm
It's a little depressing that I would have the higher self-esteem...
I don't know what happened, but something just isn't right.
I wish I knew what questions to ask, I wish she would just open up to me.
She's not perfect, but no one is. I love her, she's extremely close to my heart and I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is.. Rather than just saying it to put on a brave face.
I want so badly to help her. :(
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godessalthena
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2012 30 July :: 12.11am
I'm not really feeling depressed or stressed out. But I've been having the urge to get wicked drunk every night.
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