Car has been recovered! No damage, just a dead battery! Taking it into the dealership to see if we can disable the auto-roll down feature. They found it in Post Falls, ID :)
What's the worst that I can say..?
I'm trying my damnedest not to fall for her, but she makes it so fucking hard. She's always so positive and happy. She can always see the bright side. She cares about her appearance, but she isn't vain. She accepts everyone, she tries hard to fund the good in people. She makes me laugh.. I've seen her cry.. She is so short and adorable. And she has amazing cleavage.
Yes, there are a few things about her that, if she wasn't her, would bug the shit out of me, but she is who she is and I can forget those faults. It's a slippery slope in this territory.
I just feel so attracted to her vitality, intelligence and high expectations of herself... Honestly if she wasn't with someone I'd be all over that in a heartbeat.
But I'll just settle for where we're at. I don't want to risk what I already have.
Throughout my whole life there has only been one constant emotion - sadness. No matter what I do.. Drugs, alcohol, prescription anti-depressants.. I still feel this sadness. This hollow, all-consuming feeling of being hopelessly sad. The future is dark, the present is dark, the past is dark. I try to hard to find the light within myself, but its only pitch black.
I can't count how many times I've felt like I had found someone who could help me through, to find out that they are just as damaged as me and have their own darkness to deal with. Or they had no idea what my life was like, having never experienced abuse. At every turn I've been reminded how singular my existence is, how painfully alone we all are.
I'm tired of trying to repair the damage in my heart. I'm tired of fighting with everyone. I'm tired of being alone and afraid when I tear down the walls I put up for protection.
Deep down we are all scared little boys or girls waiting to be saved. And the cold reality is is that we will never be saved, we will never be complete, we will never feel enough love to feel happy. We will all go from day to day pretending everything is peachy keen and no one has ever hurt us. We will still believe in fairy tales and happy endings and think that Disney does more good than harm.
Every Hallmark card is the absolute truth. And no one has ever felt the harsh chill of sadness.
Happy fucking new year, and may the force be with you. Live long and prosper.
Well, in a week I will be getting a scope done on my knee. Again. I will have to stay off my leg for 6 weeks. And if this scope doesn't help, in a year, I will need to get a graft from a cadaver. Still so much to do and very little time to do it all in.
Huge explosion this morning, main transformer blew and power went out. Interruptedmy sleep schedule and I'm dying right now.. So tired and my back feels so stiff and crunchy.
Tomorrow is my Friday! And I think I'm having a birthday party for Bjorne on actual Friday.. Which right now I'm not feeling ready for.
I am getting so frustrated and sad. Everytime I meet someone new and I think we'd make good friends, they start asking for sex or dropping major hints about it. When I say I'm not interested they just cut communication. I mean, it's nice being an object of desire for so many people, but all I want are some fucking friends.
Seeing the doctor today. Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be fucking ridiculous. I really hate doctors.
I'm in a decently bad mood today. Not sure why, most likely a conglomeration of things from this past week. I'm feeling like a failure before even starting.
And my homesickness has been particularly strong these last few days. I saw seagulls flying against a stormy sky and all I could think of was home.
It's weird. Being someone's girlfriend, finally. After 3 years. Didn't think I would actually find someone I care so much about and someone who cares about me. I love my bear so much. He's been good to me. I don't think I can be any happier.
grr..
So I have decided to do something about my long-term pain (arthritis, slipped disks) so I can start exercising and get this weight off, thus alleviating my pain. Great idea, right?
Well it's been a fucking ordeal. I was looking up "pain management" on the BCBS website, and all I get are mental health proffesionals. O..K..? So I call my insurance provider, after punching in a million numbers and getting my ear talked off by a machine, I finally talk to someone who's like, "just try Rheumetology". Durr. So I look up that, and after being told I need referals (which BCMA doesn't require) and getting multiple anwsering machines, I finally break down and call Dr. Schuester. I just want to say that my one appointment with him made me extremely wary about seeing him again. Like 10 mins into the appointment his cellphone went off and he never came back and his intern finished the appointment. Awesome, right? So I call them and I have to leave a message. Pretty sure I wont' get a call back until Monday. And even though I said don't call before 11am or after 2pm I'm positive I'll get a call at 8am or 4pm, when I can't pick up or am asleep and we'll just keep playing fucking phone tag.
I hate doctors. SO MUCH.
I just want to get some Celebrex, and figure out what the fuck happened to my knee. That's it. Is that really just too much to ask for? Honestly? You're getting paid through the nose, why wouldn't you make yourself more available to people? More patients means more money, right? Self-righteous d-bags.
EEEE!!!
Sus come home tomorrow!! I'm so excited! I'm making sure the house is nice and clean, that he has everything he needs to relax, and his puppy is well rested for playing! And if all goes well I'll get the 2nd half of Tuesday off to spend with him! And then the whole weekend! And then Winter Wobbleland! And and and! I'm just so happy he'll be home.
I had a great day with my family, opened gifts, ate delicious food, watched tv and out together part of a puzzle! Then it snowed lots on the way home! And bjorne was such a pill at my parents house, but SO well behaved on the car ride home!
Now I'm just waiting on the dryer to finish the blankets so I can curl up in bed and rest my wary back.
