drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 31 July :: 9.14am
:: Music: Cool - Gwen Stefani
i hate that...
sometimes it's good to be a chismosa...but then again sometimes there are things that you just don't want to know...
i hate knowing things about someone else when it could hurt someone else's feelings...*sigh*...cuz then it gets me thinking if i should tell the other person for their own good...idk...but then it also makes me mad because i can't do anything about what the person is doing...grr...
am i making any sense?...*oi*...talk later...
oh btw, i got a tattoo yesterday w/ my dad...i'll post pics up later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 27 July :: 11.04pm
:: Mood: curious
my escape
i'm a chickenshit
that's basically what all of this entry will say...but let me explain why exactly i am a chickenshit...i'm scared...of a lot of things...
let's focus on one though...naps...
what?...let me explain damnit lol...
i hate to be in fights...not physical ones...like fights w/ friends or jeremy or my dad...i hate them...i hate feeling anger w/ them...& i just wish that instead of struggling to try & fix it (even though sometimes it's not always your fault, but maybe theirs), all those problems could disappear...
this is where naps come in...
i think i've always been the type of person to run away from things...when devon & i broke up, i ran back to chc to get away from it...but that didn't work, i still stuck w/ him...we're friends, don't get me wrong...but it was stupid...i don't like dealing w/ things that i don't think i can handle, even if it's small or stupid...so...my thing that i've realized i've done...naps...
got upset w/ jeremy tonight, dunno if he knew why lol...i'm just mean like that, i always get upset for the littlest things & don't expect him to know what he did wrong (if it was even him who did the wrong in the first place)...i just didn't want to pretend i was happy...but i also didn't want to blow up @ him, tell him i was upset, & just yell...i hate doing that...that's all my dad does...i think maybe it's because of my dad that i have a bad temper & am irrational about things...*shrugs*...anywho, so instead of being anything w/ him, i decided to fall asleep...which btw, is really hard to do, cuz you're angry...but yeah...& when i got back to jeremy's house...he started doing something on the computer...& i got angry...& i just layed down & started napping...
napping has become my escape...i don't do it all the time...& granted when i do take naps 95% of the time it's cuz i'm tired...so to those who read this, if i take a nap near you, more than likely i'm not pist...just sleepy lol...but i just wanted to put out there & for my own realization that i do sometimes run away from problems this way...
naps are my escape...talk later...
1 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 21 June :: 8.12am
what i wish i knew before
Don't EVER leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love
1 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 17 June :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: crushed
talent down the drain...
i think i realized why i don't like to do any music anymore...
i think it's that i feel like when i share some kind of talent w/ someone they don't like it or forget about it...& then i feel like it's not important or they didn't like it...
example: i wrote a poem for someone...not the best, but i hadn't done so in a long time...& i wanted it to be cute & funny, not really serious...i had a printed copy for them...not only did they say nothing, but it's on the passenger side floor in my truck...hmmm...
& it's things like this (believe me it's happened so many other times to me before from others) that make me believe that i suck at anything creative...makes me not want to write poems or songs...& discourages me...sucks...i wish i could get past it...i guess i am a crybaby & weak at this...*sigh*...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 14 June :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: alana grace - black roses red
bad feeling...
...can you turn my black roses red?...
i felt like cutting today...haven't felt like that in a long time...i wanted to so badly, but i wanted to keep my promise to jeremy...so i'm trying to hold back...
...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 4 June :: 12.39am
:: Mood: curious
subject: guilt
guilt is one of the worst feelings any human being can possibly feel, besides a few others...guilt is a feeling that can slowly eat away at you as fast or slow as it wants to...i hate guilt...guilt is no friend of mine, oh no...
sometimes, it's a feeling that we shouldn't feel, but for odd reasons we choose to take it upon ourselves to feel it...for example...the stereotype (ok i know stereotypes shouldn't be a part of this, but hear me out) of a kid in the middle of his parents divorce...though it's clearly the parent's problem, the child sometimes is led to believe that in some way it was their fault that led to the divorce...and sometimes that child grows up to feel like he's the bad guy, when really, he's just an innocent child that was put in the wrong family setting...he feels guilt, which he shouldn't feel...
then of course, there's a true guilt...when someone has done something wrong and all of a sudden *bam* it hits them that "oh maybe i shouldn't have done that"...& they start thinking...& it starts to eat at them...what if someone finds out?...is it possible to confess w/out being punished?..."will i feel this way forever?"...
so i bet you're thinking "ok becky, what did you do that's eating away at you right now?"...well to be honest, a lot...but in my life...in all my 18 years, i have felt guilt for the longest time...
I've felt guilty bout all the things i've either done or said wrong...guilty bout putting blame on others when really i'm a hypocrite...guilty of hurting people's feelings...guilty of manipulating people...guilty of lying, esp. to my family...hey, i was even the kid in the first example who felt guilty bout my parent's divorce (both times)...
guilt is something we feel, but why?...is it just a little bit of like God trying to be on our shoulder & making us realize how dumb we are?...is it our concious?...is it just a personal thing, like am i the only one who feels this way?...it's a frustrating feeling that i've delt w/ for a long time...& it's also a stupid feeling to those who are stubborn...cuz then we know what it feels like cuz we keep doing the same mistakes...*sigh*...there was not much of a point to this, i just needed something to type about...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 17 May :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
stupid...
"now all that's left of me is what i pretend to be so together but so broken up inside"
...so things don't seem to be ok w/ me...i'm just getting depressed again...at least i haven't cut again...not in a month...i thought bout it last night though, i do admit...anywho...i jsut feel like i'm not good enough for him...& i start to feel like a lame-o...idk...just bringing myself down...& i hate it when my friends do this...but i guess it happens to the best (or worse) of us...blah...
just not feeling myself lately...& i find a lot of comfort being around certain people (or person actually)...and much comfort singing along to kelly clarkson...hmm...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 6 May :: 12.31am
:: Mood: tired
pushed aside...
pushed aside...
just another toy pushed aside just like the others...
used...
torn...
broken...
once loved, but all for not more than one moment of happiness...
just another piece of your heart...
pushed aside...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 12 April :: 10.11pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: What Are You Waiting For? - Lindsay Lohan
talk w/ devon
sweet now i have the video says:
anything new?
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
no
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
nuthin new
sweet now i have the video says:
o...
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
u?
sweet now i have the video says:
nope, just here scratchin my arm
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
fun
sweet now i have the video says:
i think so
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
atleast you not scrachin your ass
sweet now i have the video says:
....
sweet now i have the video says:
yeah
...if only he knew...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 12 April :: 2.01am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
*because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in*
i told devon my arm was numb...he said he was sorry...
i don't think he got the fact that i'm cutting myself now...& i was cutting while i was on the phone w/ him...
...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 11 April :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
soo....
i cut myself last night...felt ok then...i looked at the scars & i kinda wondered wtf i was thinking...but i'm sure i'll do it again...how funny is that? that i know i have a problem...but i'm gonna continue it...
i need a cigarette too lol...oh jeez i'm fucked...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 5 April :: 1.16am
:: Mood: depressed
feel like shit...
it's been a while since i started to think pretty close to suicidal...
i really do wonder if anyone will miss me...not that some do now...
i asked devon if he missed me..."Devon : cuddling ya"...fucking asshole...i give so much to go & be with him all the time & sleep w/ him & anything else that he needs, & all i do is get backstabed, walked on, used, & all for just "cuddling"...HOW FUCKING STUPID AM I?!?
i hate the way that i am, which is why sometimes i feel like dying...i wouldn't be so much of a screw up anymore...
...i hate myself...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 21 March :: 10.52am
:: Mood: bummed
:: Music: All out of love - Air supply
All Out Of Love - Air Supply
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
Chorus:
I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
Chorus
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Chorus(3x)
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 16 March :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Most Girls - P!nk
feelin used
all of a sudden i'm feeling used by you...i was upset because you called me when you were drunk & all you ever talk to me about is how you want to fuck me...and i don't know if i can take this anmore beause i still love you so much and i have a feeling you don't love me anymore...i'd love to be w/ you again, but what's the use when i know i'd just be a flavor of the week?...maybe you just like me because i'll give you the love you want...but do you really like ME?!...i want you to stop, but somtimes i can't even stop myself & that's bad!...why can't you love me?....why can't we be together?...why do you do this to me?...ugh...talk later...
2 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2005 11 January :: 11.46pm
:: Mood: crazy
i'm leaving it all behind
so devon broke up w/ me & now i'm gonna try to go back to chc...wish me luck...
i'm leaving all my problems behind...& i'm ready to get the fuck outta here....
...talk later...
3 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 26 December :: 9.06am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: watching shrek 2
long time, no update...
christmas was great...i'm happy...
i realized how long it's been since i've been on woohu...i didn't realize how so many things changed...andy must've been working for a long time for all of this...
well i just wanted to say for all those that might've missed me that i'm doing ok...still have problems w/ guys...coming back home to do school now...& still everyother day minorly depressed...& i have a job...well i must be off, i have church to attend... :S ...talk later...
1 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 25 November :: 2.24am
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: Going Under - Evanescence
either i'm gonna need professional help...or i'm gonna start my period...hmm...
tonight, i yelled at myself...
all day i had stayed at home...granted devon visited...& i'm not complaining bout that...we watched a movie...went to taco shop (something i haven't done in a VERY long time)...i was fine...but i had to get out...
i went to el centro, hoping gina would be there...nope...she's gone for thanksgiving probably...so i went to target...not to shop, but to smoke...then i went to main street...to check if there were any shows coming up, any postings @ flames...& i smoked there...
something tells me the nicotine i had caused me to freak out...for some reason ever since then...maybe a bit before that too...i was starting to talk to myself...by the end of the night after i left joe's house, i was screaming...screaming at myself...
i dunno wtf is wrong w/ me...i wasn't mad at the whole day...i was fine...maybe a bit annoyed...but not mad...not with any one person...not at all...so why was i yelling at myself?...i don't even understand this...i was yelling & screaming...& then the tears came...not alot like usual...but they were tears nonetheless...WHY?...DAMNIT WHY?...
so what did i yell at myself about?...wouldn't you like to know...heh heh...i'm too tired to remember right now, though it was only 15 or 20 mins ago that this happened...i questioned things...i wondered bout my future in school...compared many things to what it would be like w/ someone else still around...j...o...oh damn i'm tired...i cried because i wondered if i was going crazy...i mean...is anyone gonna really truely love a crazy person like me?...is anyone gonna really want to be there with me & take care of me & love me...forever?...forever...
that word came up during my frenzie...only in my mind though...it got quiet then...i just drove...that was all i could do...i so wanted to fall asleep at the wheel...i wanted to run the red light @ 111...but for some reason a fking dead dog on the side of the road scared me so much that i started actually thinking & slowing down...
i'm losing it...i dunno what's wrong...or what even triggered it...*sigh*...
...happy gobble-gobble day everyone...i'm not thankful for anything...talk later...
***she wants to go home, but nobody's home, it's where she lies broken inside, with no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes, broken inside***
2 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 8 November :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: tired
oh boy...
well first off, though i know he doesn't read this & doesn't talk to me anymore anyways...HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY JOEL PEREZ!!!...i'm sorry for everything that's happened...it's stupid for me to say this cuz i know you'd never believe me, but i still love you...
next off...i'm w/ geoff...& i'm ok...happy...& ok...but i talk to devon & it's hard cuz sometimes i think that maybe he figures that he made a mistake in breaking up w/ me & is wanting me back...or maybe i'm wrong...maybe it's all in my head...i dunno...i'm so tired right now...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 2 November :: 3.33pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Who Knows - Avril Lavigne
what one kiss can do...
actually it was more than one kiss...oh jeez...so i'm in somewhat love w/ a guy from back at home...& i've been feeling great...better than most days here...
fun stuff...talk later...
1 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 30 October :: 1.00pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Into the Darkness - Kittie
bleh...
i want to leave today...but i've got no where to go...i need more friends in many places so i have a variety of places to go...too bad sf is far...i don't think my truck'll make it that far... :( ...i'm tired...i'm bored...i'm feeling like crap...
...i'm in love somewhat...either again or still...or just recreated...maybe make believe...hmm...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 29 October :: 2.58am
:: Mood: crushed
tip for tonight...
IT IS VERY POINTLESS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT LOVE YOU BACK...
...fuck, it just happens again & again...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 24 October :: 9.28am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Some Beach - Blake Shelton
again...
well my world fell apart once more last night...devon & i are friends now...
& now...the concept of being an old lady w/ the cats & no one to love is getting closer & closer as we speak...or type in this case...
i want all black cats though...talk later...
1 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 11 October :: 12.00am
:: Mood: scared
happy anniversary...w/ my woohu...
yes indeed it has been a year since i've been here...i love you woohu...*big hug*...
so tonight i fill you with words of uncertainty...my third time in my life i face an important issue & will not know the outcome for some time...damn...
learn from your mistakes, do not recreate them...
...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 8 October :: 9.01am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: watching family guy
well that was fun...
now it's happened twice...i dunno what to do...i talked to kim & denisse bout it...i dunno what to do...jeez i just said that...ha...i know he cares, but i'm not ready...i'm too young for this...damnit...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 3 October :: 9.43pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Anything for You - Evanescence
be ready
i'll be ready to say it all, when they are ready to stop harrassing me...i'll be ready...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 24 September :: 12.17am
:: Mood: drained
dude
i'm so dead right now...
i wish i was someone else...i dunno who, just someone else...start all over again & find myself...myself...who's that?...damn i'm losing it right now...i'm losing it so bad now...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 22 September :: 9.29pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
what if i killed myself tonight? will god love me then?
i had a bad night...thought bout way too many things...got lost everywhere...upset cuz my mom called (my real mom)...i hate her...i feel alone...i want to die...i want to go home...i want things to be the way they were...i dunno how far back but i just wish i was myself again...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 21 September :: 1.39pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne
***all of the memories so close to me just fade away***
i don't feel right talking to danny much anymore, i dunno why...i'm not sure what it is anymore, but i just can't talk to him...i wonder...
...talk later...
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 7 September :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Going Under - Evanescence
oh my gosh...
this is stupid...boys are stupid...my sister was right...she's always right...
STOP THIS!!!STOP IT NOW!!!...talk later...
2 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|
drowning-in-you
|
::
2004 5 September :: 9.31am
:: Mood: upset
tip from the weekend...
don't trust those you thought would be trustworthy after a breakup...talk later...
7 Lost Their Way |
Send Me An Angel
|
|