Early.
Well, it's early, and I didn't sleep very well last night. I slept in the recliner. Talk about uncomfortable. But my plan for today is to call my doctor's office, check out the results of my ultrasound, and make another appointment. I am so happy to have this routine back. Doug back to work, Kids back to school. No one here to bother me, yell, scream, fight, whine, or nag. So, that's good. Luckily my pain level has gone down a bit, I can now stand up straight. I'm not all hunched over like some old woman. Still can't lift anything heavy, or stretch. I miss stretching in the morning, it's nice. But it hurts too much, so I don't dare do it. But most of the pain is now in my left side, and its the exact same pain I get everytime a new cyst appears, or bursts, or both at the same time. Ugh. But I better go wake Ava up for school. Bye.
-Samm
Check it, peeps.
So the holidays have come and passed. Kaleb is 8, Karis is 6, Eliseo is five. FIVE. And Emilio is 2 1/2. Let us not forget the 1/2, else he'll turn into a "mean alligator" again and bite my boob.
I've been gone awhile. But I've got myself moved into a new house, with a new puppy, new inspiration, and a lot of new shoes.
Yes; things are good.
The photo is me and Mealy on Christmas, ft. one of his many motorcycles - they're his fav. Although he much prefers to call them "mexicos."
Why? because he can, that's how he rolls, and with a name like Emilio you'd just better be crossing your fingers, toes, and ankles in hopes that he isn't packing heat.
The holidays gave me a ton of time to think and observe all of the things that were/are important to me. Family, friends, things I've lost and things I've recovered.
See, I love my life right now. But I definitely miss the way things used to be.
Some things at least.
(my uncle Jamie carries on an innocent conversation with my grandma, Christmas '09.)
(he's about to find out what I've been doing.)
If you're reading this, I love you.
And if you're still hanging around, I miss you.
If you haven't given up, I'm still here.
And if you're sorry, I am too.
But if you're happy, I'm happy.
So happy.
::
2009 22 December :: 7.56am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: "Sometime around midnight" By: The Airborne Toxic Event
And it starts...
Sometime around midnight
Or at least that's when
You lose yourself
For a minute or two
As you stand...
Under the barlights
And the band plays some song
About forgetting yourself for a while
And the piano's this melancholy soundtrack
To her smile
And that white dress she's wearing
You haven't seen her
For a while
But you know...
That she's watching
She's laughing, she's turning
She's holding her tonic like a cross
The room suddenly spinning
She walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms
And so there's a change...
In your emotions
And all of these memories come rushing
Like feral waves to your mind
Of the curl of your bodies
Like two perfect circles entwined
And you feel hopeless, and homeless
And lost in the haze
Of the wine
And she leaves...
With someone you don't know
But she makes sure you saw her
She looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
Your blood boiling
Your stomach in ropes
And when your friends say what is it
You look like you've seen a ghost
And you walk...
Under the streetlights
And you're too drunk to notice
That everyone is staring at you
And you so care what you look like
The world is falling
Around you
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
Yeah!
We finally have our internet turned back on, and a new number and all that comes with it. So, that's good. Today though, not much internet time, I have lots of cleaning to get done. People from Amway who adopted our family for Chrsitmas are coming over to drop off food and christmas presents. So this house has to be spotless. Better go get started. Bye.
::
2009 9 November :: 6.41pm
:: Mood: accomplished
How do you say, "Don't move, or I'll shoot you?"
Classes taken care of for this next semester.
Oh Joeyyy.. can you say 'open our own psychology practice?'
'Cause we're gonna.
You can block comments? Me too.
How do I start this? This is not the first time you have blown me off. I stand by, making sure I do not have plans, for YOU. I make sure I don't leave the house because YOU are supposed to be coming over. Fuck that, I'm done. Everyone knows that it's just common courtesy to call and say "Hey, I can't make it" or at least answer a goddamn phone call. This has happened so much, it's ridiculous. This is the reason you have to fill your life with new voices, memories, and laughs. Because the old ones are sick and tired of your shit. I'm stepping up and finally saying what I have been thinking for quite some time now. No more defending you, No more keeping your secrets, No more pretending I think it's okay that you sleep with a new guy every other week. DONE. I don't care if you don't answer your phone, because I won't be calling anymore. And if you call me, expect the same thing. I'm tired of your bullshit.
Death to the ladies first, then the gentlemen.
Last night, somewhere between my first beer and Casey coughing up blood all over me and Sam, something hit me.
I don't know what, exactly.
I just know that I felt.. hit, like something was staring me in the face and I couldn't single it out.
Every time Adam would make a smart remark, or funny quip, I'd laugh hysterically and lighten up like your typical girl-at-the-party-giving-hair-cuts-to-the-drunks.
And I look around at some of my oldest friends, drinking and laughing and singing around me, and console myself that whatever is trying to get my attention, it will never slip past these people.
My protection; my shields, my bodyguards, my dreamcatchers.
Because, no matter what, they have always been there.
Forget these so-called "besties" that pose for glorified photobooth snapshots.
Forget these amateurs that don't know what "anything" really means, but swear they'd give it readily for me.
I'm tired of them
and their needs
and their secrets
and their voicemails
and their take take take take lifestyles.
I have realized that I have given so much to so many people, who never offer anything in return.
No compassion, or concern, or regard for who I am.
You just want me to give you a ride,
or you need a hair cut, or colour,
someone to ride shotgun for you,
or someone to vent to,
someone to run to the store for you because you can't drive,
or you don't have a car,
because you don't have a job,
but you know you have me.
And that's enough for you.
It's a method called, "You get what you give."
My advice to you would be: expect nothing.
Exactly what you gave.
Exactly what you're made of.
Tonight I lack the strength to even move,
When you walked, now watch me die
But I know this is harder for you,
For love has let you down
yeah C'mon
I am not alone
The road ahead is lined with broken dreams,
So walk, yeah walk on by
And I failed to give you everything you need,
For the fears, behind your eyes
When I can’t feel you,
I’m not alright, I’m not alright,
When I can’t feel you,
I’m not alright, I’m not alright
When I can’t feel you
Jesus as you throw me on the rocks,
For love I left your side
'cus I believed in love and beauty’s wiles,
Where heaven shone from your eyes
Chained to your tree
I wanted you to say
I wanted you to say
I wanted to believe
Chained to your tree
I wanted you to say
I wanted you to say
Tell me that it wasn’t all for naught,
It’s such a waste now, It’s such a waste now c’mon
I know your scared but baby don’t you hide,
It’s such a waste,
You'll stand alone now, you'll make it somehow
::
2009 20 October :: 9.45am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "The Underdog" By: Spoon
Picture yourself in the living room
your pipe and slippers set out for you
I know you think that it ain't too far
But I hear the call of a lifetime ring
felt the need to get up for it
oh you cut out the middleman
get free from the middleman
You got no time for the messenger,
got no regard for the thing that you don't understand,
you got no fear of the underdog,
that's why you will not survive!
I wanna forget how convention fits
but can I get out from under it?
Can I gut it out of me?
It can't all be wedding cake
It can't all be boiled away
I try but I can't let go of it
Can't let go of it,
Cause you don't talk to the water boy
and there's so much you could learn but you don't want to know,
You will not back up an inch ever,
that's why you will not survive,
The thing that I tell you now
It may not go over well
And it may not be photo-op
in the way that I spell it out
But you won't hear from the messenger,
don't wanna know bout something that you don't understand,
You got no fear of the underdog,
that's why you will not survive!
Finally the hills are without eyes
They are tired of painting a dead man`s face red
With their own blood
They used to love having so much to lose
Blink your eyes just once and see everything in ruins
Did you ever hear what I told you
Did you ever read what I wrote you
Did you ever listen to what we played
Did you ever let in what the world said
Did we get this far just to feel your hate
Did we play to become only pawns in the game
How blind can you be, don`t you see
You chose the long road but we`ll be waiting
Bye bye beautiful
Jacob`s ghost for the girl in white
Blindfold for the blind
Dead siblings walking the dying earth
Noose around a choking heart
Eternity torn apart
Slow toll now the funeral bells
”I need to die to feel alive”
Did you ever hear what I told you
Did you ever read what I wrote you
Did you ever listen to what we played
Did you ever let in what the world said
Did we get this far just to feel your hate
Did we play to become only pawns in the game
How blind can you be, don`t you see
You chose the long road but we`ll be waiting
Bye bye beautiful
It`s not the tree that forsakes the flower
But the flower that forsakes the tree
Someday I`ll learn to love these scars
Still fresh from the red-hot blade of your words
...How blind can you be, don`t you see...
...that the gambler lost all he does not have...
Did you ever hear what I told you
Did you ever read what I wrote you
Did you ever listen to what we played
Did you ever let in what the world said
Did we get this far just to feel your hate
Did we play to become only pawns in the game
How blind can you be, don`t you see
You chose the long road but we`ll be waiting
::
2009 21 September :: 6.48pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Here(In your arms)" By: Hellogoodbye
Brie and I are bored
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