:: 2015 13 December :: 1.13 pm
:: Mood: distressed

I almost lost my papi this am and I was too busy sleeping to hear the phone call from my mum. I don't know what's worse the guilt that I wasn't there for him and my mum this am or the feeling that I could have lost him. The only thing that makes it slightly better is knowing that if I had lost him my last words to him were I love you.

:: 2015 5 December :: 11.26 pm

My parents are awesome.

:: 2015 28 November :: 9.43 pm

Goal= write 500 or more words a day.
Done in approximately 100 days or less.
Hand off to editors.
While they work their mojo, start another 500 wordsx100days.
Repeat 4-5x

:: 2015 24 November :: 11.34 pm

Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling
with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain.
But you have already borne the pain.
What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.

:: 2015 24 November :: 1.26 pm

Ugh. Snow.

:: 2015 22 November :: 7.18 pm

“When we’re younger, we accuse our parents of not remembering what it was like to be our age. They dictate every aspect of our lives, tell us what we should do and say and wear and who we should hang out with. What we don’t realize until we’re the adults is that our parents did in fact remember what it was like to be our age. Only then do we realize how naïve and foolish we really were as children. Sometimes becoming our parents isn’t such a bad thing.”

:: 2015 10 November :: 1.02 pm

"Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow"

:: 2015 20 October :: 6.02 am

It is too early for me to be awake.
This new dosage of daily medication for migraines is going to try to kill me.
I really HAVE to go back to work tomorrow but I can't if I can only go two hrs of sleep, body numbness, joint pain, and flu like symptoms from the new dosage and I have to wait another week before doc ups the dosage again and then who knows what symptoms I may or may not get and when they may or may not cease to exist.
But if I stop taking the meds the chronic migraines come back and I can't afford those either.
Though work thinks I'm faking those. Well I can feel the tingling starting in my hand again so I'm going to wrap up this journal entry before I can't type anymore.

:: 2015 11 October :: 10.28 pm

I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be okay

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today (I just want to feel something today)
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be okay (Know that maybe I will be okay)
Know that maybe I will be okay (Know that maybe I will be okay)
Know that maybe I will be okay

:: 2015 27 September :: 1.28 pm
:: Mood: indescribable

No there ain't nothing that I gotta prove
You think your words will make me black and blue
But I, I think im pretty with these old boots on
I think its funny when I drink too much, hey
You try and change me you can go to hell
Cause I don't want to be nobody else
I like the chip I got in my front teeth
And I got bad tattoos you won't believe

So kick out the jams, kick up the soul
Pour another glass of that rock and roll
Turn up the band, fire in the hole
Gonna lose control tonight

What do you want from me, I'm not america's sweetheart
So beat the drum with me, I'm not america's sweetheart

Well they say I'm too loud for this town
So I lit a match and burned it down

What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweet heart
But you love me anyway

My hands are dirty and my heart is cold the boys
I've been with say I got no soul, when I,
I meet another honey at the bar,
I'll think its funny when I break his heart, mmm now,
My kind of medicine is whiskey straight,
I got a mouth to put you in your place, and they,
They said I'll never be the poster type,
But they don't make posters of my kind of life

So kick out the jams, kick up the soul
Pour another glass of that rock and roll
Turn up the band, fire in the hole
Gonna lose control tonight

What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweetheart
So beat the drum with me, I'm not americas sweetheart

Well they say I'm too loud for this town
So I lit a match and burned it down

What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweetheart, but you love me anyway

You love me anyway

Kick out the jams, kick up the soul
Pour another glass of that rock and roll
Turn up the band, fire in the hole, holler if you ready,
Gonna lose control

Kick out the jams, kick up the soul
Pour another glass of that rock and roll
Turn up the band, fire in the hole,
Gonna lose control tonight

What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweetheart
So beat the drum with me, I'm not americas sweetheart

Well they say I'm too loud for this town
So I lit a match and burned it down

What do you want from me, I'm not americas sweetheart, but you love me anyway

You love me anyway

I'm not americas sweetheart

:: 2015 8 August :: 4.00 am

I wonder if I was ever an important and intregal part of someone's life. You know a person that they think back on and go " that person, my life is different because they were in it." ? Cause I'm feeling like I'm just this mediocre and entirely forgettable being. *sighs* 4 am extestential crisis for the win.

:: 2015 20 June :: 9.07 pm

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools...

:: 2015 20 June :: 3.21 am

You know you've reached crazy old cat lady status when you manage to get kicked off your bed by your cats.

:: 2015 19 June :: 11.55 am

The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't being said.

:: 2015 18 May :: 3.20 am

a partir de maintenant jusqu'à la fin de l'eternite

je suis amour toi plus que la vie