godessalthena
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2012 18 April :: 3.01am
Die die die.
I just want to fade away.
I miss having that option to escape.
I hate seeing anorexic women and wishing I could be that. They are so disgusting.
I wish I felt like the one worth keeping.
I'm so done with this horrible farce of living.
"I will change" and then I go half-ass it. Just like everything else in my life.
I have all this potential and I just throw it all away every fucking chance I get.
I fucking suck.
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godessalthena
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2012 12 April :: 1.54pm
Happy Birthday to me :)
Today I turn 24. It's been a rough road, but I made it another year.
I feel like a completely different person from last year. In both good and bad ways. I'm still lost and confused. I feel like now more than ever. I finally qualify for financial aid so I can go back to school. I have some really amazing friends. I still have no clue what to do with my life.
I'm still with Sus and I'm still so happy that we found each other. He deals with all my mood swings and tries to keep me positive. I know we've both been struggling with our own happiness, but it's been a lot easier having him around.
I don't know.. I have a great job, my relationship with my family has gotten so much better, I have a few really amazing friends and a wonderful puppy to come home to and cuddle with. I'm becoming very skilled at making amigurumi. Things are pretty good.
I just hope the future keeps getting brighter.
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godessalthena
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2012 29 March :: 8.55pm
I have to write in this again. I'm just going crazy without an outlet.
My birthday is in a couple weeks.. I didn't make a new year's resolution this January, but I feel like I should for my birthday. I'm still very young and I'm too fucking fat to really enjoy my life the way I want to. I'm resolving that by my birthday next year I'll have made a significant improvement to my weight and health. I'm not going to put any numbers out there because this isn't about numbers, it's about how I feel inside and out.
I think the first step is to go back to Dr. Emch and get my Cymbalta re-prescribed. The weight gain I had was from the Abilify I was taking, the Cymbalta was just an analgesic and mood satbilizer, which is what I think I need. I'm no where near as depressed as I was, but I'm at the point where I don't care if I live or die, accomplish anything, make others happy or excel at my job. I just need help feeling like I matter. Sometimes I think seeing a counselor might be beneficial now.. I've been doing a really good job healing the familial issues and now that roadblock is out of the way I can focus on something else.. Me.
I feel like I keep making these resolutions, I start out strong but quickly lose steam and cave in to my food addiction. I need help, but I have no idea where to start..
When did life become so ridiculous?
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godessalthena
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2012 10 February :: 12.26pm
:: Mood: cold
I think it's time to say good bye. It's time to put away this childish memory and stop recordig meaningless information. No one gives a shit anymore. I have no one on here I care about anymore. This used to be a place where I kept up with those I love.. Then Facebook happened and nothing of value is ever put there. Which is why I deleted it.
So it's been a fun run woohu. And maybe someday I'll come back.. But until then I'm leaving. I'll miss you.
1 gone up in flames |
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godessalthena
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2012 9 February :: 4.37am
"This planet wasn't made for me...
All of you live so easy.
I lay outside and up I stare...
My home is in the void up there."
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godessalthena
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2012 6 February :: 1.45pm
Starting a workout routine with my cubie.. Feeling discouraged and it's only day one :(
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godessalthena
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2012 27 January :: 1.30pm
Car has been recovered! No damage, just a dead battery! Taking it into the dealership to see if we can disable the auto-roll down feature. They found it in Post Falls, ID :)
I'm glad it's ok!
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godessalthena
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2012 26 January :: 10.12pm
Car was stolen sometime between 3am and 9:30pm. Fucking peachy right?
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godessalthena
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2012 25 January :: 1.49pm
:: Music: MCR
What's the worst that I can say..?
I'm trying my damnedest not to fall for her, but she makes it so fucking hard. She's always so positive and happy. She can always see the bright side. She cares about her appearance, but she isn't vain. She accepts everyone, she tries hard to fund the good in people. She makes me laugh.. I've seen her cry.. She is so short and adorable. And she has amazing cleavage.
Yes, there are a few things about her that, if she wasn't her, would bug the shit out of me, but she is who she is and I can forget those faults. It's a slippery slope in this territory.
I just feel so attracted to her vitality, intelligence and high expectations of herself... Honestly if she wasn't with someone I'd be all over that in a heartbeat.
But I'll just settle for where we're at. I don't want to risk what I already have.
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godessalthena
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2012 20 January :: 12.29am
Throughout my whole life there has only been one constant emotion - sadness. No matter what I do.. Drugs, alcohol, prescription anti-depressants.. I still feel this sadness. This hollow, all-consuming feeling of being hopelessly sad. The future is dark, the present is dark, the past is dark. I try to hard to find the light within myself, but its only pitch black.
I can't count how many times I've felt like I had found someone who could help me through, to find out that they are just as damaged as me and have their own darkness to deal with. Or they had no idea what my life was like, having never experienced abuse. At every turn I've been reminded how singular my existence is, how painfully alone we all are.
I'm tired of trying to repair the damage in my heart. I'm tired of fighting with everyone. I'm tired of being alone and afraid when I tear down the walls I put up for protection.
Deep down we are all scared little boys or girls waiting to be saved. And the cold reality is is that we will never be saved, we will never be complete, we will never feel enough love to feel happy. We will all go from day to day pretending everything is peachy keen and no one has ever hurt us. We will still believe in fairy tales and happy endings and think that Disney does more good than harm.
Every Hallmark card is the absolute truth. And no one has ever felt the harsh chill of sadness.
Happy fucking new year, and may the force be with you. Live long and prosper.
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godessalthena
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2012 20 January :: 12.24am
:: Mood: Nihilistic
And the truth is.. I am worthless. Utterly and hopelessly worthless.
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godessalthena
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2012 17 January :: 2.36am
I need to start feeling like I'm worth it.
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godessalthena
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2012 16 January :: 2.02pm
:: Mood: exhausted
Huge explosion this morning, main transformer blew and power went out. Interruptedmy sleep schedule and I'm dying right now.. So tired and my back feels so stiff and crunchy.
Tomorrow is my Friday! And I think I'm having a birthday party for Bjorne on actual Friday.. Which right now I'm not feeling ready for.
Blah. No work plz k thx
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godessalthena
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2012 13 January :: 4.51pm
I am getting so frustrated and sad. Everytime I meet someone new and I think we'd make good friends, they start asking for sex or dropping major hints about it. When I say I'm not interested they just cut communication. I mean, it's nice being an object of desire for so many people, but all I want are some fucking friends.
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godessalthena
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2012 13 January :: 1.07am
Got my paycheck and... It was way more than I was expecting!!! I'm really happy!
Tho I also got my electric bill and it too was way more than I was expecting :/
Tomorrow will be a productive day, tho I feel like crap. I think I have food poisoning :/
I'm so bored right now.
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