Every living creature dies alone

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Every living creature dies alone

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:: 2011 28 May :: 3.12pm

I'm so fucking done with my life.

[ e d i t ]

I know I'm probabaly over reactiv but honestly it's just a constant shit storm over here. First it's my tire, then its all my tires. Now I don't have enough for electric. We have to eat shitty bad for you food because I dont make enough to afford better. I'm gaining weight like a motherfucker and I can't do anything about it because I'm so fucking tired all the time. Work is so stressful and hard to deal with, I was late to work today because the approve OT w/o so much as a call and I didn't think to call them. I feel like I'm a failure. No one to admire. I work hard, I have nothing to show for it and then this stupid bullshit happens.

I just want to go to school and that's it. Or I want a job that isn't so stressful and tedious. I'm so tired of living in this town where no one accepts me. They are all so shallow and backwards here. No one gives a shit. No one anywhere gives a shit. I have no fucking clue why I moved here. I knew it was a lie, it was too good to be true. And now we're stuck here.

I think I have manic depression. And I think it's getting worse everyday. Happy pills don't help anymore. Nothing helps. I don't even feel happy when I'm messed up. I feel like I'm going to turn into a junkie in the street or something trying to find anything that will make me happy.

I'm so fucking tired of being broken.

:: 2011 27 May :: 4.15pm

I am so.. so.. SO tired. I just want to crawl in a hole n die.

:: 2011 25 May :: 12.46am

Honestly is it even worth anything?

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.32pm
:: Mood: rejected

i feel so low right now i feel so lost i have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing and I feel like I'm facing the great unknown by myself

There is so much I wish had turned out different. There's so much I wish I could fix, undo, unsay.. I hate who I am sometimes. I hate that I always need an escape.

I smoke a lot now. I stopped drinking. I can't wait to be somewhere else. I can't wait to live away from all the backward assfuck rednecks.

I'm so ready to be reborn.

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.27am

I have a phone interview with Vertafore. They are located in Bothell.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and whether or not my relationship lasts I really just want to move back to Seattle. I hate living in Spokane. I hate pretty much everything about living in Spokane. I hate the people here, the layout of the streets, the weather, my job.. I feel crushed, stifled, choked with all the conservativism.. With how little personal freedom one gets here. I hate it.

This move isn't for him anymore. It's for me. I want to get off my pills, I want to feel motivated to lose the weight, I want to be happy with where I am and feel safe so I can move out of my comfort zone. I don't even have a comfort zone here.

I know they worry that things will fall through and I'll be stranded in Seattle without friends or family.. But honestly I know I'll make new friends. And I can't exactly move in with my parents if things do go south anyway. So what's the big deal? I don't see how they could help more with me being in spokane vs Seattle.

I just want to have a fresh start in a place that isn't full of bad memories and failure.

:: 2011 19 May :: 2.09pm

Always being wrong is getting fucking old.

:: 2011 13 May :: 1.10pm

ready for a do-over
i'm so tired of this old, worn out place.
i'm so sick of getting the things i want then getting bored of them.
its ridiculous how little i enjoy in my life anymore.

i'm so ready for feburary.
i'm so ready to start moving forward in my life rather than stagnate here.

i am so depressed.
i am so worn out.
i am so fed up.

i'm full of rage and of disgust and of venom.

:: 2011 13 May :: 12.04pm

He's taking the job. Roomies can be happy now, he won't be over again for a long time.

:: 2011 13 May :: 1.16am

I feel like actually giving up. Not just saying it but actually doing it. I TRY. you don't. Why?

:: 2011 11 May :: 10.12pm

I just want to get so fucking trashed I forget my life ever happened.

I hate every fucking day. I hate every fucking hour.

I feel useless, stupid, abused, victimized.

I never look forward to getting up.

The best part of my life are my nightmares. Because it's not my life.

I'm done feeling. I'm done trying. I'm just fucking done.

:: 2011 10 May :: 8.15am

I feel like you have just given up on me. Like everyone else. Why should I care about myself anymore?

:: 2011 5 May :: 5.09pm

I'm working out everyday. I'm going to kill myself skinny.

I'm so tired of meeting douchebags who act like they want to be your friend, lead you on and then just stop all communication and then.. After the secretly decide they don't want to be involved with you in any form you call them out and they act like they're in the right. They are selfish disgusting fuckheads who deserve to be eliminated from the human race. It's called common courtesy people. I would think that moms taught it to their children but apparently that went of of practice in the 80's and on.

I'm tired of this place. And these people. The only people who like Spokane seem to be the fuckheads who thinks it's ok to flake. To be a hypocrite. To treat other people like shit. It's disgusting and disheartening.

:: 2011 2 May :: 7.31pm

I asked myself if today could get any worse.

Yes it could.

But it's still pretty shitty.

:: 2011 30 April :: 12.58am

Tonight was fun :)

And having rent is a good feeling.

I'm working OT this week. being extra responsible!

:: 2011 25 April :: 1.40pm

Lab tests and weight gain.

I'm scared. And have no comfort.

I know what a partial reason for it is. But there could be so many other things wrong. Things that idk can be fixed.

What's for sure is I need to get serious about losing this weight. I need to do something. Why can't I just get motivated?

I hate living here. I hate feeling so out of control. I feel disempowered. I feel weak. I feel hopeless. I need help, but can't afford it.

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