greyXmatter

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Letter I wrote to the family the night of Aug. 16...


Well, I guess I need to go to an insane assylum. Lock me up in a mother fuckin' straight jacket. I'm the one who's going crazy here. It's no one else. I'm too much of a dumbass to not be guilty of anything that goes wrong in this house. I guess you're all higher than me. A little too intelligent, and I'm a little too naive. The only one that doesn't think that is my mom. She's the only one that ever respected me. I'd rather be confined to a 10x12 room in my father's house and take my step-mother's criticism than take it from a man. A full grown man, to be more specific. A man of his age shouldn't be as immature as he is. Who's to say I'm not mature? I'm not. I know I'm not. What 16 year old girl really knows who she is or what she is or what she wants to do? All of that's maturity and it happens over time. You'd think by the time you're 60+ you'd have it. I'm glad he has his degree in whatever the hell it is to back him up. I have my fear of men. I don't need him to lurk around and make it worse. If you know nothing at all, know that I am NOT afraid of him. I just don't need him in my life. I've recognized that. However, it's inevitable. Every bad thing seems to be inevitable in my life. My life's like a car on a cable, and I have no control over where it goes, or so it seems. All I am is an hourglass glued to a table, and my "patience" sand is running out. Like I said, maybe it's me that's over-reacting, or maybe its one of you that doesn't see what's going on. Maybe I over-think everything and anything I've ever felt sorry for I never should have. Maybe every single time I ever felt like it was someone else who made me feel how I feel, I was wrong... the entire time, I was wrong. Maybe I wish I had a close friend who knows me as well as I know myself. Maybe things would be better and I'd have someone to call when I'm like this. What you don't understand is, I can't tell you things. You're my family, which is a branch off of myself, but somewhere along the line, your branch grew a little too long for me to be able to reach, and I'm the tiny one at the bottom of the tree that never really grew. You won't ever know me how I know myself, and frankly, I don't know how anyone ever could. I'm nothing more to this new family than a liar, a fake, and a burden, with the exception of my mom... God bless her for putting up with me. I want to start over, and I want a real dad. I want nothing more than my dad back in my life and to live normal, how I used to be before all of this. I don't want to be afraid, and I wish I could stop it. I can't not live here. I have too many responsibilities. I don't like my life being punctuated by sadness and frustration. I can't live here. I can't not live here. I can't leave, and I sure as hell can't stay. So tell me what I'm supposed to do. Put up with this bullshit until I have enough money to live on my own? Even then I can't leave. My life is at this farm. I brought myself up the wrong way, and if I could just start over I'd change it all. Either something in my head is not letting me see the good of living, or it's just not existant. I ask of you not to talk to me about this. It leads to nothing but arguments. I ask of you not to even bring this up. Let's just live life how we have been since we moved in here. Everyone ignoring everyone, everyone holding grudges, everyone sick and tired, and everyone with absolutely no motivation to keep on living like this. Let's just keep it that way until one of us can't handle it anymore. Then we'll see how that changes things. I don't want to talk about this. Don't even bring it up.

Currently listening:
Operation: Cut-Throat
By Hidden In Plain View
Release date: By 13 June, 2002

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