greyXmatter

This is just a letter I wrote to my mom. Some of you know what's going on, so ... feel free to read.

Mom-

As sort of a fore-warning, I’m letting you know that some of the things you’ll read in here will probably make you even more mad at me than you already are, or make you upset, or… I don’t really know, I can’t exactly see where you’re coming from. Also, I would appreciate it if you kept this letter between you and me. My stepdad doesn’t have to get involved, neither does anyone else.
I think if George made it any more apparent that he hates me, he’d be flat out screaming it. He always has to have the last word. Always. Even if he’s wrong. And it’s little things like that that bother me so much. Like this morning, when you three were talking about my sleeping habits. I was in fact, in bed, asleep by 10:30. You mentioned to Juanita how 10:30 is too late, and of course, George had to pipe in, “She was awake until 12:30 last night.” Honestly, where does he get off saying that when he himself was asleep before I was? Are there hidden surveillance cameras in the house that I’m not aware of? Sometimes I wonder. Yesterday when I really needed to talk to someone, and I wanted to talk to you, I asked George for the number to your room. He gave it to me, and I picked up the phone and dialed. I must have tried 8 or so times without being able to get through. What I didn’t realize was that George was online, sitting in front of the computer. He knew I was trying to dial out. He knew why I couldn’t, and didn’t care to tell me why. Why is it that he has to do this? Why can’t he just tell me “Wait a minute or two, I’m online.” Instead of being how he is and making me frustrated? The only thing that’s keeping me here is the horses and you. There’s a safe place for my horses that I don’t have to slave myself to provide for, and we’re all under one roof. I couldn’t ask for much more than that. Things are just starting to bring me down, and I’m not sure how much longer I can handle it. It seems to you like little things, and it probably sure as hell seems like little things to George, but to me, it’s all tearing me apart, physically and emotionally. I can’t stand cleaning and cleaning and cleaning, then less than 24 hours later, the exact room I just spent an hour cleaning is trashed. At first I was lenient and cleaned it again, and again. Then I realized it was never going to change. It was always going to be like that. Clean something, it gets trashed. Now I know what you felt like for so many years when I was little. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m absolutely never having children, for that reason in itself. That was supposed to make you laugh. :nudge:nudge:
Lets face it. This entire family would be 100% happier if I wasn’t around. And that’s just an understatement. I’d like to know what your thoughts are on this situation, because I, right now, am clueless. I think moving in with my father would be the absolute death of me. I can’t handle 72 hours with him, I doubt I can handle the rest of my adolescence there. Living with Juanita would be the second best, if I had to pick somewhere. I would however, have to slave myself to keep my horses fat and healthy. I don’t know how I would be able to support board there for two horses and a mini. Well, to put it bluntly, I wouldn’t be able to. If I can manage for 2 more years, I’ll be off all of your chests and out in Colorado, which is where I plan on going when I turn eighteen. I’ll be working for my permit and hopefully my member cards and “working in a scummy restaurant as a waitress making minimum wage” as my encouraging father would state it. But on the brighter side, you and George can live happily ever after just like you’ve always wanted to without me stressing you guys out on a daily basis.
I can’t help it, I can’t even fix myself if I don’t know why I’m making you guys so bitter. Some things I can’t even help. I know that I’m a handful and extremely energetic, but I can’t help that, and I’d like to think that in the long run, it actually helps out around the farm and the house. I know that when I won’t do simple things like answer the door or the phone, make a phone call for you, or do any simple favors for you involving outside people, you get angry. You’ll probably never understand why I won’t and you just consider it laziness or attitude. It’s neither of the two. I’m just scared. You tell me it’s a phase, and I’d really like to know how long this phase is going to last, because it’s getting a little out of hand. It’s really conflicting though. I’m so outgoing and crazy and constantly wanting to be noticed, but the other half of me is so paranoid, and it drives me crazy because the two sides conflict.
As you know, my grades are dropping tremendously. I really am trying my hardest, but for some reason, I can’t replace my work time with my homework time. I have a horrible time trying to concentrate at home, and with things like math and science, I forget everything I’ve learned. Also, I get so caught up in making the house look nice and making everything comfortable and okay for you and George, that I completely ignore the homework and don’t get it done. Then it frustrates me when I get my grades back and they’re so bad. Chances are, I’m going to fail this year again. I think it would be best for you to stop stressing over my grades and let me deal with it myself. I got myself into it, I should be the one to get myself out. While we’re on the topic, I’d like to bring up what you were talking to Juanita about… sending me to boarding school. You say that all the time when you know I’m listening. I don’t know if you think it scares me, or if you think it’s knocking some reality into me, but it does neither of those things, it just makes me more frustrated at the fact you don’t understand what my mind is going through right now. You didn’t see it, but I cried when you said that to her. It seems like you can be so hypocritical sometimes, when you tell me that you love me and that you’re here for me, and then the next day you’re totally and completely not on my side. But I can’t blame you for not understanding. It’s not like I expected you to anyway.
Things will get better, you just need to let go of me and let me figure things out on my own. Things are getting so bad right now, that the last thing I need is someone trying to steer me where I don’t want to, or can’t go. All of this is just snowballing into a giant mass of frustration and I’m kind of stuck in the middle of it.
I just want you to know that Josh has nothing to do with how I’m acting… we’re not together anymore, and it was my choice. We’re just close friends and that’s cool. I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for any sort of commitment, even something as little as that. Josh understands that, so it’s all gravy.

Sorry if I made you angry or anything. This entire thing is coming straight from my head, and that’s exactly what I was thinking, no exclusions. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I guess it’s the least you could do.

-Cas

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