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greyXmatter
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2005 31 January :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: lonely
i don't know you anymore. after tomorrow, things just won't ever be the same again. keep on running darling, you're bound to kill yourself with another thousand miles. ...and tear my eyes right out, i'd rather see you without them anyway.
I don't understand why people don't understand. ...That was a tad hypocritical. ...I wish everyone would just understand that I can't have a boyfriend, no matter how bad I want one. I do need someone to care and be there, and love me, but know that I can't live up to everything you expect and want. I can't live up to anything, and I fucking hate it. I'm so self concious and so worried and so imperfect. I hate being so emotionally fragile. Trust me, I'd do anything to call myself yours, but it won't ever happen and it's all because of me. Just forget I ever told you I loved you and move along. Find someone who's not a fucking idiot who can't make up their mind. I don't want to hold either of you back from getting what you deserve. Which isn't me. I don't deserve someone as good as you, you don't deserve having to deal with my shit. Forget I said anything. Forget that I love you and that it's tearing me up inside. Forget that, and things will eventually get better.
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greyXmatter
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2005 31 January :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: [The Used] - [Taste of Ink]
My mom pulled me over today and was like "What's wrong with you?" and I said "Nothing..." and started to walk away, but she like... grabbed me and she's like "You're acting really quiet and very distant." So I shrugged and tried to walk away again... didn't work. She was like "Ever since I got back from the hospital you aren't talking to me. Why are you so quiet?" I feel really bad, but then I got pissed and I was like "I'M NOT TALKING TO ANYBODY, OKAY? You're not the only one." and like... walked away and went out on the porch. I'm so fucking irritable lately. Don't talk to me. I miss Josh and I miss talking to him and everything seems distant to me. Things are starting to not make sense, and are becoming rediculous. I need to get a grip. Everyone is leaving it seems. I don't talk to Dan anymore, well, I do, I just haven't talked to him in a couple days. I have this horrible gut feeling that Brandon is mad at me for Saturday night and I wish I wasn't feeling like that. The entire night I should have been talking to him and been with him. Why was I so careless? I'm still leading Josh M on, even though I'm trying not to. Anything I say, he takes it as something else. Everything I'm doing is wrong these days, in my head. I don't know why, I just wish it would stop.
I handed my mom a handful of papers that I printed out about ACFC (A Center For Change). It's this program in Northern NJ, a group of psychiatrists in every county and whatnot. I said to her "You don't have to pay for anything, or make any phone calls. Just give me a ride, and don't ask me about it. My appointment is next Saturday. Let's leave it at that." and I walked away. I fucking hate this.
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greyXmatter
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2005 31 January :: 10.40am
LMAO!
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greyXmatter
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2005 31 January :: 10.36am
Your ideal boyfriend | Created by lonelylyssa and taken 254 times on bzoink! | | Answer the follow questions about your ideal boyfriend | | What color hair does he have? | doesn't matter | | What color eyes does he have? | doesn't matter | | How tall is he? | doesn't really matter | | How old is he? | doesn't really matter | | What kind of music does he listen to? | lmao... doesn't matter. | | What does he do that makes you love him? | cares for me, makes fun of me, jokes with me, has fun, isn't all smooshy, crazy, and not afraid to get dirty. harrr... | | What type of clothes does he wear? | doesn't matter. please, no crossdressers. | | Does he get along with his parents? | doesn't matter. | | Does he do good in school? | not of much importance. | | Does he have a car? | ditto. | | Will he buy you flowers and candy? | hell no. never buy me flowers or candy or ANYTHING i will kill you. | | Will he get alone with your family? | sure. | | What will his name be? | ? | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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greyXmatter
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2005 31 January :: 10.10am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: [The Used] - [Light With a Sharpened Edge]
Survey, have a blast reading.
HOW MANY:
times you've been in love?:: almost once. i'm starting to feel it again.
girls you have kissed?:: like... 2.
boys you have kissed?:: how many... boys? romantically, 3 guys... but just messing around or being really drunk...like.. 10? I dunno, parties and stuff, but just like my friends and such.
people you would you trust your life with?:: one and only one.
scars on your body?:: I'm actually going to count. lmao, 46.
things in your past do you regret?:: a couple.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE:
pretty?:: no, not compared to anyone else.
funny?:: yeah, but it's just because I'm dumb.
hot?:: no hahah.
friendly?:: absolutely.. unless you're a douche.
loveable?:: absolutely.
caring?:: absoluteley
sweet?:: sometimes
dorky?:: i'm dumb.
FAVORITE:
actor/actress: um, justin long and um.. yeah.
least favorite day: mondays, sometimes thursdays.
flower: lol, i don't care.
jello flavor: BLUE YO!
jewelry: i don't wear jewelery.
season: spring or autumn
LAST PERSON WHO...
slept in your bed: besides myself? um... sara?
saw you cry: I don't remember. I don't generally cry in front of people. Probably my mom...
sent you an email: JOSHUAAAA!
IM'ed you: Brandon. =]
HAVE YOU EVER:
said i love you and meant it?:: definately. <3
went out in public in pjs?:: who hasn't...? I went to school in them numerous times.
kept a secret from everyone?:: definately.
been to new york?:: once, i didn't like it. it smelled like fish.
been to california?:: no... my sister lives there... I want to go so bad.
been to florida?:: no, and I will never.
WHEN WAS:
last cigarrete: like two months ago. =]
last cry: I haven't cried in a while... I think the last time was last week, I had a really horrible day. Thursday I think?
last book read: Romeo and Juliet
last curse word uttered: "OMG SHIT." but i didn't utter it.
last beverage drank: water.
last food consumed: rice! i had rice last night! it was rad.
last phone call: last night... brandon called me. <3
last tv show watched: m, i don't know. OH YEAH. FULL HOUSE! lmao
last thing in your past you regret?: things.
showered: this morning? 6:30?
last shoes worn: i'm um, wearing chuck taylors right now.
last cd played: AFI - Black Sails in the Sunset
last thing written: I love you [space,space] -Cas
last word spoken: "later"
last sleep: after my shower this morning I fell asleep for 5 minutes.
last im: brandon.
last sexual fantasy: um yeah handcuffs whips and chains. ;D lmao lmao <3
last ice cream eaten: i haven't had ice cream in a while... i think i had like... vanilla ice cream with like... caramel swirled into it. it was pretty gross... i had that like last month.
last time wanting to die: when my mom was in the hospital I was so fucking miserable and so fucking close to fucking up. i have never been so bad. i'm better.
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