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greyXmatter
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2005 18 January :: 10.13am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: You are my sunshine... my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray...
I'm not a wreck like I thought I'd be. Last night I was though. NO ONE would answer their phones and I was like flipping out and crying and like leaving people messages screaming like "CALL ME BACK GOD DAMN IT!" and it sucked. I hate how I didn't see Josh this morning. Bev's not in school. My mom kissed my forehead last night while I was half sleeping. She came in my room and said "Do you want your TV off?" or something like that and I didn't respond because I was ... kind of... sleeping... and she was like "hmph" and turned it off. Then she came over and turned my light off and tucked me in. My mom hasn't tucked me in since I was like 4. Then she kissed me on the forehead and closed my door. Then I cried, really hard, for a long while, then fell to sleep.
I made good time this morning.
I left my hair down.
Everyone's like... O_O! Because this is the second time I've ever worn my hair down to school.
I miss her.
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greyXmatter
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2005 17 January :: 6.47pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: [Bruce Springsteen] - [Thunder Road]
Everyones quiet tonight. Everyone knows and everyone knows everyone else knows, so it's like a deafening silence in my house. When my mom talks, she's so softspoken. I've never seen her like this. Hell, I've never seen anyone in my family like this. It's strange to me... I can't look at her and think tonight is my last night I'll ever see her again. I can't tell myself that and my mind doesn't want to believe it. Hopefully it's not true. I told Bev... If she doesn't survive this, I sure as shit don't know how I will.
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greyXmatter
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2005 17 January :: 10.18am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: [Coheed] - [Delerium Trigger]
I hate Daniel for keeping me up until 3:00AM but I love him for talking to me. I hate how my eyes are tired and that sucks like mad cause they hurt and they throb and it sucks and HEY look over there, a skunk. :rolls head around:
wait for everything evil in you comes out. i'll stay when we'll only motivate sound instead of --sergeant, make for the table... in hopes that i won't be afraid again. call when enabled, and send the leader out against... i will. stage a reenactment in a false pretense. exist, inflict. unworthy unconsciousness, why debate when the actions suppressed? then kill the acquitted. listen... to the sounds that remain in question in hopes to solidify a truce amongst the children and the jury that stands the verdict alive, here among the dead. evolve monstar show me the things that i've never wanted done. i felt much better than this before. if they find out to avoid then the accidents kept hidden away. but if they stay... blood hungry cannibalistic unfit family ties in a series of knocks to the young girl's head side. come write me a letter and paste it on my refrigerator door. inspected, inspector, i think we've found something over here. Jessie... just come look at what your brother did, here, he did away with me. stay until wednesday and write me a child-like letter pretending... at war here on thursday, let's make this our last day at home by the fence. would you run? would you run down past the fence? and she screamed "Claudio, dear Claudio, i wish, god damn it, we'll make it if you believe.."
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greyXmatter
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2005 16 January :: 12.09pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: [Muse]
I know I said I wasn't really going to be updating for a while, but I HAVE to tell you this. Church this morning was amazing. Lou the big Italian spoke and I swear to God, everyone was crying. It was the best sermon I've ever... ever been to. It was a big relief off my shoulders to hear the peoples' prayers because it was kind of like :sigh: I'm not alone, you know? That's what it's all about. I'm so worried. I was a wreck during the entire sermon. Okay, the whole time at church. I was crying so hard. If my mom doesn't survive this... I don't know how I will. That in itself will be the last thing I can handle. Jesus Christ, nothing even happened yet and I'm already preparing for my time. Nothing can happen to her. I'm fifteen, I can't not have a mom. I can't not wake up and see her smiling in her purple robe with her hair put up in a cute little messy bun while she's making breakfast that I never eat, but she makes it every morning anyway. I can't... live... without her. In all, she's basically the reason I have what I have. She keeps my life moving. Shit, this school week is going to be miserable. I don't want to see anyone.
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greyXmatter
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2005 15 January :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: [Senses Fail]
Every bottle in this place has been upside-down at least a few times. What a waste. Is this what's left of you these days?
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