greyXmatter

You’ve always known I was better writing things than talking about them. I get confused, I stutter, and I pause. Everything I was trying to tell you will hopefully explain itself in this piece. When I saw him, and how he was, how he acted, and how funny and happy he was, I thought… wow. How nice would it be to be with someone like that? How nice would it be to have someone who cares about me, who makes me laugh and smile? Who makes me want to be around. Who makes me want to be here. I never had anyone like that, ever. I sheltered myself and everyone, and everything around me was basically numb. I figured, if Josh and I were together, that would totally fix everything and I’d have one to trust and love and be happy with. Before I found out he had any feelings for me, my self-confidence and self image was at an all-time low, and I’d never been so obsessed with being perfect. When I found out he wanted to get to know me, things totally turned around. It’s like a high. I never wanted it to end, so I forced myself to have feelings for him, because if I didn’t, things would stop, and it would go back to how it used to be. Desperate. I’d go back to being desperate for someone to care about me, and when I didn’t get it, I’d do things. I don’t want to go back to that. Why it’s so hard for me to let go of him is because, I know how much he cares about me. I know how much. I don’t want it to end. I don’t want the feeling to end. The feeling that someone has me under their wing. I know I have you, and I know I have Bev, but sometimes… I get selfish and I feel like it’s not enough for me. As if I’m totally alone. (Which I’m most definitely not, but there’s that mind connection between what my mind thinks is real, and what I know is.) Now I realize that, I only wanted Josh for that feeling. I felt intimidated by everyone when I was alone, and when I was with him, I felt like… I had someone to care about me, and there was no reason to feel intimidated, and there was no reason to be absolutely perfect. As soon as I lose that comfort, I’ll go back to how I was. I get so jealous. I get so intimidated by anyone prettier than me, because I know that’s why people care about them. Because they’re gorgeous, and I’m not. I know that’s kind of a strange way to think, but its how I feel and how my mind makes me. That’s why I’m so jealous of her. She’s so beautiful and everyone talks to her and laughs with her. I never meant to say she had the perfect life, ever. No one does, or ever will, that’s just how it plays out. I want the emptiness bottle to be corked. I hate that empty feeling, even if it’s fake and I really have all I need. For some reason, I can’t picture it being filled and I get like this. When I see her with you, I get so happy for her, so angry at myself. I get angry at myself because I wonder why I don’t allow myself to be like that. I see her laughing and smiling with you like I’ve never seen me. I’ve never felt that, and I don’t know why. I don’t know if I’m just not allowing myself to feel it, or I just cannot feel it. I can’t make myself feel un-empty and I don’t know why. Everything is so hopelessly unexplainable these days, and I wish it were different. It’s so hard for me to explain this to you, so forgive me, because I hardly understand it myself. You are getting it straight from my mind, no beating around the bush. This is exactly how I feel it. Are you as confused as I am?

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