greyXmatter

I'm in a mood today. I'm extremely calm, becasue I know that all I have to do is get through the next four hours and I'll be home forever. I'm sad... I'm worried that I'll never see my friends again. I get like that when I leave for a while. I get creepy. I'm so close to crying whenever I walk from classroom to classroom. ...And as I sit here right now. Sometimes I get into these kind of moods when something is going to happen that I'm not aware of, by my heart is. Which sucks... I don't know. I just want to be home with my family, and with my mom. (Ew ew ew I'm crying during World Wide Web class, ew what the fuck, Casey stop.) I want ... (holy shit I'm a wreck.) I want to see Tam and Juanita so bad... I just want to hug her. I miss everything back home, and I miss being around my real friends. I hate how my mom won't get to see me walk down the aisle. I hate how I don't want my Dad's arm around mine when I do. I hate how, no matter how much you all love me, I'll never feel that complete. I'll never feel entirely complete, and I don't know why. I want to feel the mended emptiness that I felt a while ago when Jess was still Jess to me. Not just a girl. I want to love my mom and make her couple years she has the best she'll ever have. I have no money. Why is it, that money brings people happiness? My mom would be so happy... so happy if I could put her on a plane to San Francisco to see Bridg. She would be so happy, and I can't even do that for her. I can't do anything for her. It makes me feel like I can't love her. This world is so fucked up, that you have to have money to make someone love you. I feel so guilty for everything. I can't even imagine what my dad must have been through, walking down the steps and seeing his son hanging from the ceiling, his dark shadow cast on the basement floor. I never cared about that. I never even cried. I never... fucking... cared. Why wasn't I ever there for him? Why when I hugged him, it didn't mean anything? Why is it that everything I do feels so half-assed, and so careless? I want my real Dad back, and I want my mom to fucking be with him. My stepdad turned my family into a whole big misunderstanding. He tought people how to not understand. He taught people how to be ignorant. I just want my family back. I wish Matt wasn't dead, and I wish my Mom was happy. I wish her heart wasn't bleeding, and she'd live forever. How much longer will it be that I can come home and hug my mom? I've never cried in school before.

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