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greyXmatter
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2004 15 December :: 6.12pm
:: Mood: apathetic
Did you ever feel as if you were living in a dream? As if everything that is happening... wasn't... really happening? I always misused the phrase, "I'm living in a dream!" ...It's really strange. For the past two weeks it's been like... rediculous. I'll be like, arguing with my stepdad and I won't even know I had done it until it's over and done. It's a weird feeling. Like being constantly dizzy. Bah... must be the pills.
No one comments in my journal anymore... (:cough:BEVandJOSH:cough:BRIELLE:coughcough:)
Doctors. God Bless them. -_-
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greyXmatter
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2004 14 December :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: mellow
Wow. I've never hated hating someone so much. I've come to my senses that I've become senseless. --Litterally. How could I have ever turned him down thinking I wouldn't live to regret it? How did I ever manage? How can I ever manage? Honestly. When did it ever cross my mind that things would be okay and it wouldn't completely hit me one day that he's so far gone? It's like fetching the stars from the sky. Pretty to look at, not so easy to catch with your prude, young, and so un-educated hands. It was frustration, that's all it was to him. A middle aged father trying to make things the best for his family. When I decided that I "hated" him, I was so young... and so naive. Now it's something that I can't change back all that easy. 5 short months seem a little lonlier now that I think about it. They seem a little quieter, a little more broken. I can't leave this, though. I could never. But not leaving, will tear half of my life out of me like that. It couldn't ever be re-built, either. My life as myself... or my life... as myself with him in it? Two totally different me's. Forget it, dude... It's a catch 22 no matter what I do. Just keep on truckin'...
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greyXmatter
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2004 14 December :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: [William Hung]
If I could have anything right now...
it would probably be my Dad.
If I could feel anything right now...
it would probably be my dad's hand resting on my shoulder.
If I could see anything right now...
it would be a smile on my mom's face as she walks down the aisle towards him.
If I could remember anything right now...
it would be the times my Dad tried so hard to help me, and I turned him away.
If I could regret something right now...
It would be ever letting his life slip out of mine.
And my life slipping out of his.
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greyXmatter
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2004 14 December :: 5.56pm
:: Mood: curious
This comment was left in my journal a few days ago. I don't feel like linking you to it, go find it yourself.
Anonymous 12-13-04 7:33pm IP: 207.200.170.133
please dont do this to my fragil heart
...m. Who are you, and dare I ask what I'm doing to your fragile* heart?
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greyXmatter
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2004 14 December :: 5.32pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: [Darryl Worley]
Awful Beautiful Life
Stayed home today. I woke up at seven and I was just like... "uh. no." and went back to bed. My bull shit on me. That was interesting. Watched Maury. Ate pretzels. Come to think of it, didn't eat much of anything. 4 Mile bikeride. I think I have intestinal bleeding. Maybe thats why I'm hurting so much. Like... seriously. It hurts to breathe. Oh well. xD
New email address. Most of you know my address as DylanDocStar@aol.com ... now it's SunsetFarm60@hotmail.com
AOL doesn't love us anymore.
COMPUSERVE!
anyways.
Yar... I run that email, just like I ran the AOL email. No one knows the password but me, and no one goes into it but me. Only me. Don't be afraid to drop me a line sometime. <3
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