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greyXmatter
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2005 5 July :: 5.02pm
:: Mood: bitchy
I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you, said "I liked your shoes". You said "thanks, can I follow you?" So it's up the stairs, and out of view; no prying eyes. I poured some wine, I asked your name, you asked the time. Now it's two o'clock, the club is closed we're up the block, your hands on me, I'm pressing hard against your jeans with your tongue in my mouth trying to keep the words from coming out. You didn't care to know who else may have been you before. I want a lover I don't have to love... I want a guy who's too sad to give a fuck. Where's the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet me, here but I'm not sure... I got the money if you got the time. You said it feels good, I said I'll give it a try. ...Then my mind went dark. We both forgot where your car was parked. Let's just take the train. I'll meet up with the band in the morning. We're bad actors with bad habits, some sad singers, they just play tragic... the phone's ringing and the van's leaving. Let's just keep touching. Let's just keep keep singing, cause I want a lover I don't have to love. I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk. Where's the kid with the chemicals? I got a hunger, and I can't seem to get full. I need some meaning I can memorize... the kind I have always seems to slip my mind, but you... you write such pretty words. Life's no story book. Love is an excuse to get hurt. ...And to hurt. Do you like to hurt? I do. Hurt me.
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greyXmatter
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2005 26 June :: 11.52am
:: Mood: blah
Yes, it was a fun week, no, I'm not going to get into it right now.
Came home today around two. My boss called me and told me she needed me tonight. I was like... wtf? Anyways, I had a headache and I was exhausted so I just layed down, intentions for only a while. I fell asleep and ended up staying asleep until about 5:30, when my mom woke me up. She was like "I cleaned all the stalls but one at Faith." (Faith Farm being my place of employment) "You need to get up and go do the last one, I can't, I'm exhausted. See... what happened was, they left the horses in for 6 days in a row and didn't have the mexicans clean the stalls. THEREFORE... There was nearly two feet of manure in each stall. My mom said that while she was there cleaning, my boss Ed came over and told her that she didn't have to clean anything and that he'd have the boys come over and do it on Tuesday. My mom turned to him and gave him the dirtiest look and said "I would NOT... let these beautiful mares sit here inhaling piss for another 3 days." ....wow. So yeah. I went. I cleaned. Very uncomfortable. Erdean came over to me and said "wow, you look extra pretty today. Are you not wearing makeup?" and I was like "I haven't put makeup on in days." and she was like "You're a very very pretty girl." and I was like ... nervous. I didn't know what to say. So I was all .. "err... Thanks!" THEN... all these people started showing up for my boss' party and I didn't know any of them and they were all giving me dirty looks because they were all dressed up and proper and I was in a baggy Tshirt and jeans covered in sweat and dirt wearing my work boots.
....Very uncomfortable.
...not having a fun day.
I was hating myself earlier because I said "God help me." and... I sat down and thought about it, and realized... Why the hell would he help me in a situation like this? Why the hell would God help me? I haven't done shit to deserve his guidance, so where the hell do I get off asking him for help when I haven't done shit for myself or him? Shows how disgustingly greedy I am, and how desperate I am to be a better person that I'd take the unfair route and ask God to help me when all I've done is betray him. Everyone thinks that I'm some "God hater" and it's not that at all. I simply have no respect for anything and I'm not going to sit here asking for God's help when I don't deserve it in the least. Thinking about this has made me hate needing God or anyone, and turning extremely bitter towards the whole thing. When I look at a religious person, all I can do is envy because I wish I had the strength to go out and make myself as worthy of God's guidance as they are. If I had any respect at all, I'd have someone forever, and I wouldn't feel guilty asking for help.
...But I don't.
...So I do feel guilty.
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greyXmatter
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2005 20 June :: 9.20pm
Laura and I are running away to get married.
... jay kay.
We're staying at the fairgrounds for about a week.
If you need me, call Laura's cell:
570 856 0689
Goodbye loves.
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greyXmatter
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2005 16 June :: 11.34am
:: Mood: blah
Have I finally broken the stitch that held the fragile bond between me and my journal?! Oh dear lord! Please say it isn't so! ...yeah, it's pretty much so. I don't know why, I don't really have an excuse or an explaination. The weather's been getting to me... I'm fully exhausted all day and I can't seem to get up on time no matter what I do. Today is my last class for the rest of my life, and then I'm done for good with High School. Hell. Yes. Anyways... This weekend's gonna be beat. Friday (Tomorrow) Laura and Britt are coming over and they're gonna help me get ready for the big GSMHA show which is on Saturday. umm... yeah whatever else... Saturday is GSMHA... then as soon as I get home from that, I have to work 3 horses and give Charlotte a bath for my horse show on Sunday... Chammings in Stillwater. WOOT. Yeah, and... after that... a nice FULL DAY to chill out, then on Tuesday I'm leaving for a week for Harmony with Charlotte and Cowboy and Laura. Fun fun, as always.
Its 4 AM x: tomorrow we gotta clean out the trailer and pack it..... saturday we gotta clean out the trailer and pack it.......... sunday we gotta clean out the trailer and pack it......
xNextimeAroundx: yeah
Its 4 AM x: then we get to camp on tuesday and have to UNpack it
Its 4 AM x: omg that's insane
xNextimeAroundx: i knooo
Its 4 AM x: pack unpack clean pack unpack clean pack unpack clean
Its 4 AM x: hahah
This is going to be insane.
Crazy long weekend. We're going to be so tired.
Um. Yes. In case you people forgot.... YES... I do have a cell phone.... YES... it works.... YES... you should call me. I won't be online much starting Saturday morning.... Call the cell- 908 797 2825
YEP.
Later kids.
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greyXmatter
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2005 12 June :: 11.51am
Shut the fuck up she said
I'm going fucking deaf
You're always too loud
Everything's too loud
Now that all my friends left
This place is fucking dead
I want to move out
When can we move out
This shit has got to stop
I'll run away
Get the fuck up she said
Your life is meaningless
It's going nowhere
You're going nowhere
You're just a fuck up she said
I'll live alone instead
She said "You don't care."
I know I don't care
I'll never ask permission from you
Fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going come back home
I got too fucked up again
And passed out on the plane
Tried to forget you
I can't forget you
No sleep on this flight
I'll think about the nights
We had to get through
How did we get through?
I'll never ask permission from you
Fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going to come back home
I think it's time that I should leave
I'll never ask permission from you
Fuck off I'm not listening to you
I'm not coming home
I'm never going to come back home
I'll run away
I think it's time for me to leave
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