:: 2006 29 October :: 2.13 pm

Morgan
Well.. this weekend was interesting. I really just wish she'd swallow her pride and admit that she babies her. I mean.. come on. Every single person I talk to agrees. It's making it very hard to advance her. She's smart. Very smart. She can figure things out if you let her. It's just taking the time to do it that we believe is the problem. Either way. After about 4 months of trying she went potty in the toilet twice this weekend. We started using money. She likes to put it in her bank so yeah we "reward" her for using the potty. She ate everything that we gave her. Which we were just as suprised as last week when that happened. She ate lasagna hot dogs in buns chicken and dumplings, regular chicken breast... there's more. But man.. usually it's hard to get her to eat anything that isn't noodles, hot dog or breaded chicken. Anyways... things are getting a little bit better each weekend we have her. Maybe things will get better with the rest of my life huh?

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:: 2006 18 October :: 2.12 pm

Toddlers Mother
Alright, so saturday was like the worst night that I have had in a long time. And it's all because of one particular person... You know who. Yeah.. She ruined our plans and went to leslees wedding even though she wasn't invited and then wouldn't let morgan get over the fact that she was there and we wanted her to sit with us so she ended up sitting by me with morgan on her lap. Yay :| Anyways once we finally got morgan away from her she kept making matters worse by coming up and talking to morgan. She ruined our plans to begin with and then made them worse by making morgan throw the worst temper tantrum I had ever seen her through but... supposidly she was fine. She acted just fine. Yeaah... right. I'm done with it. If she want's to ruin our time with morgan then I guess she can succeed. She did it saturday. So congratualations. Oh yeah.. Her boyfriend also had the nerve to yell at me for what Jared said.That would be the second time. So.. hmm.. grow a pair and tell him yourself.

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:: 2006 8 October :: 2.11 pm

Well, I moved. So.. you probably won't see me online anymore. We can't afford it. The house payment is around 1491 now. WInter taxes are due in two months and we'll have to pay for the propane to be filled (minus 100). Yay. :| maybe we're in too deep.

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:: 2006 4 October :: 10.32 am

I want a family of my own
I don't even know how to start this.

With Jared and Morgan, I always feel left out because well.. I'm not her real mother. So, things will always have to be discussed with another woman. It sucks that something so special that I waited to do. Jared has already done with someone else.

You always hear from people that the happiest day of their life was when they got married and then when they had their children. Jared's already had that and with someone else and I really don't feel like I should be a part of it. Especially not right now at that.

Jared always says you don't think our marriage is special. It's not that.. I'm just ready for the next stage in our marriage that he's already been in for 2 and a half years. I don't think he understands that we can't just pretend Morgan is mine forever. She calls me mom often with the occasionaly ada in there with it that (it's cute). The way I feel when she calls me that... man, I can't even imagin how it's going to feel when she/he is actually mine. I want that. But I can't have it.

For some reason going to get family pictures (I think) is going to make me feel like what we have is a real family for me. But it isn't. It never will be. There will always be someone else in the picture.

Does anyone understand how I feel?

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:: 2006 26 September :: 6.33 pm

Last night I woke up feeling so sick and then I wake up this morning.. fine and dandy. It was really odd. Anyways, we get morgan tomorrow all the way to sunday. How exciting huh? We bought her so much new stuff in the past few weeks. Like a total winter coat and pants, snow boots, and fall jacket. OOH these way cute levi pants that have a button waist so you can make them tighter without using a belt. We already bought her a new pair of shoes. They are all pink and adorable. Also we got her a few new shirts too. We bought her some learning puzzles and a book too. So far she's digging the book more then anything else we bought her. Jared and I plan on getting a family photo done this weekend. We are unsure of what we are going to wear. I already have Morgan's outfit picked out though. Haha.. I'm pathetic. Let's see what else... Jared and I are also getting the house in rockford figured out because.. my dad is getting really annoyed with us. I was annoyed with him as soon as we moved in.. but at least he let us move in right? What else...

I'm still looking for a frick'n job. I need at least a part time job of anything so that we can afford the house in rockford. 1422 a month.. yippy :| That's if Lance is okay with letting us take it over. We asked today...

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:: 2006 25 September :: 9.46 am

This is not a request for compliments so...don't think that
*deep breath* Last night on desperate housewives I was crying inside for lynnette. Then, I did actually end up crying. Not because of that though. Well.. partly, but mainly because of how I feel about myself. I honestly believe that I am absolutly ugly. I told jared last night that, Once we get a house I'm saving all my extra money so that I can get the plastic surgery I've needed since I was thirteen. And, of course he said I didn't need it. But I do. I don't feel pretty at all. I mean I don't even think about it when I'm with just Jared but.. I'm not always with just him. I feel bad for him that he has to be seen with me. I try my best to look as good as I can. Cakein' on the make up and wearing (try to at least) nice clothes. I've felt this way since I could remember considering I got this scar at the age of 4.

Anyways, enough of my sad pathetic..ness. Jessica (morgan's mother) has taken away her friendship and says she will take away the nice things she's done for us ie. lowering the child support 70 dollars. She would prefer it if I delete my entry on myspace about Jared having sex with her and all the things she said. Her friend is sticking up for her and saying it's non of my business. How is it not?

I'm holding my ground for now. Needing a job, applying everywhere. Sending out resumes as well as filling out applications. Still no luck. I applied for a receptionist posistion at a company in cedar. That's the latest. I sent it out saturday so.. maybe I'll actually hear. I doubt it.

Alright, hope whoever reads this has a good/nice day.

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:: 2006 24 September :: 9.33 pm

I feel like lynette on desperate housewives. Her whole situation.

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:: 2006 24 September :: 9.28 pm

alright, just letting everyone know that I am posting under friends only from now on.

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:: 2006 20 September :: 2.05 pm

Well, a lot more has happened since I last wrote. I havn't been keeping up on this obviously but I'm going to try to more.

The cells have upgraded again and we will decide on November 8th if we will go ahead with the surgery to remove the lower portion of my uterus.

For those of you who didn't know, Jared and I planned to start a family of our own at the end of october. So, it looks like that probably won't be happening. I cried.. it was pathetic.

Over the course of two months Morgan's mother and I had been talking. Well that ended. Yesturday at that. Supposidly we're too much of a "great family" for her to handle talking to us. It makes her feel like a "bad mother". How pathetic is that. Oh, she says that she can't deal with us anymore and she's going to talk to friend of the court. About what... we already have scheduled times when we see her and who gets her on holidays... she's just jealous is what everyone is saying.

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:: 2006 12 July :: 12.13 pm

Wedding and now..
I can't believe how much has happened since I last wrote. My grandpa L died on the 21st of February.. It needed to happen. It was a relief that he finally made it. He was so sick all the time. Then.. my other grandpa died one week before my wedding. One week before. Totally unexpected. They found out he had pancreaitis and I guess it burst causing all the stuff inside to spill out. It effected all of his organs and they basically had him knocked out and on life support for three days when finally he gave up.

On to good news, Jared and I got married on the 27th of May. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. Jared could have. It was about 85 degrees and sunny as hell. He was in two maybe even three layers of a tux. THrere was some drama with christy finding out that she wasn't the maid of honor and my best friend who flew up from arizona was. But she ended up showing up. Anyways, we picked morgan up friday and went to help set up for our reception and then was the rehersal which.. everyone was late for pretty much. Then dinner after that. what fun.. haha. I was upset at how dumb jared's mom can be when it comes to morgan. It's like she could not allow her to be with my parents or something. There was an open seat next to them but she had to squeeze in a chair next to her which happened to be at the corner edge of the table where I was sitting. HOw ridiculous. Anyways, we left that and I got my nails done and we went to lansing to pick kaleea up at the airport. we got back home at like 11 and guess what.?!?! Our cat was in labor. She was bleeding all over our room all day. It really wasn't that bad though. there was just a cuople spots that were relatively easy to clean. She finally had them by 8 in the morning the next day. We got woke up at six that morning though because jared's mom was going tot he hospital and for some reason they couldn't drop morgan off at my parents house they had to have jared drive all the way to belding to drop her off five miles away from their house and him drive all the way back. I was pissed. It's not like we can relive that day over again... It sucked. Just like our reception. No one even paid attentiont o us or even my brother when he gave his awesome toast. They all just kept right on talking. Anyways...

Sunday we were late dropping Kaleea off at the airport she had about 15 minutes to make it through everything but she made it so that was good. then... when jessica came to pick up morgan she had to bitch at us for like ten minutes about no seeing her all weekend and blah blah blah her crying and being dramatic of course. So that was my crazy weekend.

We left monday for our honeymoon. It took us two days to get there and we staying in Manhatten haha.. kansas. We thought that was funny. we video taped pretty much the whole way down and while we were there. It was fun and beautiful. I miss it. THe animals the sunrises and sunsets. Amazing. I wish I was there right now. While we were there it was really hot like.. over 100 degrees hot. we went up to the mountains on those days. We went all the way to cottonwood pass. There was still snow up there. The air was so thin that I was dizzy and had a headache the whole time we climbed around. We also went up to the castle again and had a picnic on Lake San Isabel. We also went to the pueblo zoo! It was so much fun. We went to the colorado city pool although we didn't go swimming because it was so confusing on where to go. Let's see we ate out at fazolis and a really good place called black eyed pea and also maxes. We left on a sunday because we planned on moving out of the house in rockford as soon as we got back. We started packing the following day. We got most of our stuff out with out idiot lance suspecting a thing. Then he realized what was going on and there were some arguments and basically he kciked us out and I told him we'd see him in court then. So that was that and now I'm babysitting for my brother and living with my parents.. .with jared of course.

Bad news. I have high grade cells in my cervix.. and they are progressing. I have to get a colposcopy or whatever and decide what to do with those cells and how to remove them.

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:: 2006 21 March :: 6.15 pm

I'm getting married. It's May 27th 2006... it was december 9th but I decided I didn't want it in the winter anymore

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:: 2006 21 February :: 12.45 pm

My grandpa died this morning...

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:: 2006 9 January :: 4.17 pm

So, I go to the highschool today and walk into the band room because I really missed the bari. As soon as I walk in Bryan freaks out and hugs me and stuff and says I look great and I'm all a rich bitch and stuff cuz I'm wearing american eagle shoes, express jeans aeropostale shirt and an abercrombie sweatshirt and then goes are you pregnant? and I go wht the hell why would you think that am I getting fat? he's like no I heard from derek and then miranda, nika, tara and the whole clarinet section feel it's in their need to yell out are you pregnant and people look and uh it was a bit embarassing...

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:: 2005 1 October :: 12.59 pm

This Happened this Morning FUCKING HILARIOUS
So this morning I wake up to these banging noises and I think that it might be morgan (jared's daughter) who is in the room right next to us. So I hit jared and make him wake up and tell him I hear noises from Morgan's room and he goes... that's not coming from her room it's coming from downstairs. So I am automatically freaked out. Jared puts his pants on grabs his glock and heads downstairs. After a few moments he comes back upstairs. By that time I was looking out the window and I hear a guy breathing freakishly and chattering away to himself yelling and screaming. Jared says that it some drunk guy. So, there is a drunk guy on our back porch. We watch him for a few moments and I end up telling jared that he needs to go and call the cops so that they can take him home. We get the phone book and call the sheriff and they tellus they are sending them our way. We go upstairs and Jared opens the window and begins yelling and swearing at him to go home but he just ends up passing out inside the grill cover. The grill is moved away from the wall and the burner plate, rack and brush are on the deck. The sheriff's end up showing up and one (the cute one with sideburns like jared) starts laughing at such a pathetic sight) a mound under a vinyl cover.They start kicking him and he finally wakes up. Turns out it was the next door neighbores delinquent kid who isn't even 18 yet and was trashed beyond belief and couldn't even recognize his own house.

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:: 2005 6 September :: 9.17 am

Well, I'm moving. I won't be online much anymore because we don't have internet there yet. Cable isn't really available and there is no point in phone so. Oh.. On the subject of phone I am getting my new one tomorrow along with my new service.. verizon.

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