It feels very validating to get an award after that summit. It's not often that I feel like I'm doing well enough and my anxiety hits hard these days; but to have the C-suite looking at me and have my new role generate so much attention is definitely going to mean I have to be on my game this year.
Jovie is living up to her jovial namesake and really doing the heavy lifting of keeping a smile on my face since Rose. My friends that haven't up and left like Mitch recently have kept my spirits up too, despite the difficulties they're all dealing with. Cancer fucking sucks and so do people who say they'll be there and they love you when they bounce. Not to mention fascist regimes who owe foreign dictators after they bailed them out for losing all their daddy's money. Say goodbye to life as we know it and get ready to lose your retirement, social security, health care, and any semblance of normalcy you've got left.
I feel like alot is going to change this year and I'm going to have to be the catalyst in my own life and make it what I want it to be. The panic is building, but the courage also.
::
2024 24 January :: 12.18am
:: Mood: Sick to my stomach
I can't do this anymore. I can't be such an afterthought. I can't mean so little to the person who I should mean the most to. I don't understand your continued mistreatment amd disregard for me. I can't continue to justify this with your past trauma. You've had so many chances to correct it. A second trip to Japan where I'm not included after the damage it did last time; you continue to make choices that don't reflect any love for me. I'm heartbroken and you can't take it back. And I can't ignore it anymore. And as much as you have tried to make me believe otherwise over the years, I know, deep inside my soul that I deserve better than this.
I just don't know why I should keep on forgiving this stuff when the most minimal amount of foresight would have prevented it from happening.
You are literally killing me. I have heart pains from this. This is completely unsustainable. It's impossible being in this, with you. It doesn't matter if I enjoy your company when things are good or if I love you deeply, it is causing my limited time on this earth to be all the more limited due to the incredible stress you put me through every other day.
Why does no one want to marry me? Am I not good enough for it?
I shouldn't even be asking myself that question. I know I'm not good enough to be someone's wife. The men that I've been with have indicated that. The first, obviously. The second, pretty much there.
I have grown up in a society that has told me that that's all I'm good for. I've learned that I'm not even good enough for that. The little I must amount to...
I could settle and marry someone I don't love. I could be Cath. When will this flame of hope finally die inside me so that I can stop moving forward and resign to my fate to never get what I want in life? I hope it dies soon so that I can too.
::
2019 13 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: The Best of Me - The Used
Most of the time I think of wonderful, exciting things to do, I just don't do them because I have no one to do them with. Concerts, movies, trips... I've missed out on so much shit. Then I try to do stuff alone and the enjoyment goes from possible 100 to like 12. It's just no fun by myself.
