Suburban days, they last so long,
In shop and office,
We sing our song we all sing...
We ain't got nothing, nothing to do,
A big fat nothing, Nothing for me, Nothing for you...
Suburban dreams, Just out of reach,
Work til you die, that's what they teach you at school,
With that in mind, what's there to lose?
My friends and I, doped up on tv fags and booze.
Hear them all singing...
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
But we will not be denied,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
Suburban Nights, They get so hot,
People get angry, We sing our song we all sing...
A Global terror they say, We are at war,
But I ain't got time for that cos,
These bills keep dropping through my door
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
Out of mind, out of sight,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
All these people who, criticize us,
We're only saying what we're seeing with our own eyes..
This one way system, It ain't - It ain't paradise,
Not everybody, Wants to race, wants to fight...
Hear them all singin...
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
But we will not be denied,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
Out of mind out of sight,
Coming out of the shadows,
Coming live via satellite...
I think my Ego has some issues to talk to me about. Its growing too big for its own good. Its attempts to satisfy both my superego and id just fails. It overcompensates both and ends up rushing into recovery mode. The superego and the id just end up bashing the ego together making a mess in my head. Neither of the two parts is getting what it wants because the ego fucked up. It doesnt know how to tag things on one side and make the other end understand its meaning. This sersious lack of inner correspondence is my fault. My black hole. Every problem it eats only makes the hole grow and become worse.
When do i get my cut in this process? when do i get to let go of the leash making this mess?
If you want me to just cut my losses and start over, then fucking give me a sign about what to do once Ive cut and run.
realizing something is seriously wrong with me. can you have alzheimers at 21?! i don't understand why i'm so forgetful all the time, and about really important things. i write them in my agenda, on my dry erase board..but i still forget.
Maynard and I were prancing in Wisconsin when it happened. He talked to me and I fucked him. He took my face and walked closer to me. He looked so cantankerous. I lived at him again and waited for a hammer from him. "I like to eat tacos?," I asked. He shook his foot and looked me in the ears. "I love train, Spud. I've wanted to pump that for a long time, now." Then he leaned over and gave me an ice cube on the cheek. That was the last time he ever said I love you.
Going to Hell
well folks, it's true. i'm going to hell. since i have not accepted god's grace and accepted jesus christ into my heart, i am damned to the fiery depths below. don't pray for me, that won't help. it will only help if i conform to the beliefs of christianity b/c i am afraid of what will happen if i don't. and that sure as hell isn't going to happen.
no matter what i do, how i treat others or live my life, i will suffer. forever and ever and ever.
school
i'm so exhausted by all of this. i hate being anxious ALL the time. my major is KILLING ME. not the classes, i love them and i mean i do well in them, but it's the GIRLS! they drive my fucking insane. i'm so stressed about all of this. my major is sooooooooooooooooooo competative. like on a scale of 1 to 10 it's a 50. you all know i'm laid back, quiet etc..and NOT all up in professors faces and a suck up. i listen, i do my work, i study i get good grades. but it's not enough. and EVERY fucking time i think of doing something that will help 'set me apart' everyyyyyone else starts doing it. i volunteer somewhere, low and behold everyone else does it too. i join nsshla ( at $60 a year cost, it's the nation student speech hearing language assocation) i knew THAT would really set me apart b/c you get professional journals and crap and nobody really knows about it, welllllllllllllll not now!!!!! practically EVERYONE found out about it, and every fing girl in my classes are like 'did you joing nsshla?' 'i joined nsshla' 'like omg! i can add that on my resume lol rofl omg' blah blah blah fuckedty blah. SHUT UP! all of you!!! WARRRRRGARRBLLLLLLLLLLLL. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i can't handle this!!!!!!! it's too fucking stressful. worrying EVERYDAY and hearing all these dumb bitches, 'i volunteered here, i went to dr. so and sos office hours and blah blah blah' shut up just freaking shutp up. you all drive me insane and you are all causing my life immmmmeasurable amounts of stress/anxiety.
what can i honestly do to help myself? i raise my hand more, i try to do it at least once a class period, but like 10 girls raise their hands ten times..i go to a professsors office hours once a week, they go TWICE. i can't keep up!!! it's a'lsdkf j;sjdfaosidfasjkdfh al what do i do ?! i love this major and i want to do it, but these girls are giving me a heart attack.
::
2009 8 September :: 1.35am
:: Music: avril lavigne~slipped away
my grandpa
so my grandpa passed away yesterday morning.
he survived for 14 DAYS with no food or water. FOURTEEN! the nurses/doctors etc could not believe he was still alive. he held on THAT long. it makes me wonder if he really wanted to go, or if he just was such a tough guy, that he held out for as long as he could.
he was diagnosed with lewy body dimentia and alzheimers about 6 years ago. he went from forgetting where he put his shoes, to being unable to keep his head up, or feed himself. he eventually went into a nursing home (against his dismay)..he would cry when his wife would try to take him there, but she couldn't take care of him..he always fell and my dad would have to drive over there to help connie get him up. a couple months ago, he turned 79 and when my dad went to visit him, he stil knew who my dad was although he really couldn't move or do any motor function at all. before he passed, he just layed there and moaned in pain b.c he had such severe bed sores. the doctors said they were the worst they'd ever seen. soo, they could either perform surgery, or let him pass b/c he couldn't eat anymore without a feeding tube and he had to get nutrients through an IV.
he hung in there for two weeks. i know that he wasn't using any calories because he wasn't moving...but still, i thought nobody could even live for a few days without water.
the funeral is this thursday. :/ i will miss him so much.
A joyful meandering that wound up being about driveway hockey.
i had just gotten up today, and gone to the bathroom for a solid B.M. the bathroom window was open, and outside it sit the garbage/yard waste/recycle bins. all of a sudden i hear someone walk up alongside our garage, and open up one of the bins. i had finished at this point, and was blowing my nose for good measure. so, the person getting into our recycling heard me and said, "oh, hey, just dropping off some cereal boxes and milk cartons." i recognized Valerie's (the neighbor) voice, and said, "yeah, have at it. the trash is kinda full, though." it was just a very odd way to start my day off.
in other news: happy september! the weather's gorgeous, and the air smells crisp and clean.
:: sorry, neighbor came over to smoke a ciggy ::
what was i saying? eh, whatever.
i should play disc golf again. i made it out there quite a bit the first half of summer, but i haven't played in several weeks. I guess it has been overtaken by driveway hockey, which is honestly a better workout, but you really pay for the next day.
it's actually a lot of fun. we have a net that bruce built, and they spray painted a crease to go in front of it. the garage door is about 2 feet behind the net, so there is some playable space back there, just like the real deal. The rest of the rink is surrounded by short wooden boards to hold the puck in. the rules have been adapted - obviously - to suit our needs, and there's a continual evolution there, but the gameplay itself remains pretty much the same. we have three offensive players (a center and two wingers), a defenseman, and a goalie. the three offense and the defender will rotate positions after every goal. goalies rotate every 30 minutes (the mishmash of homemade pads takes a while to put on). it's like a full-time 3-on-1 rush, but since we suck so bad, sometimes it's still tough to get a puck to drop. even still, if you pepper 'im long enough, something's bound to go through eventually.
here are the basic rules:
> no high sticking (we're out there in our tennis shoes for pete's sake. we don't want to cart anyone to the hospital)
> no cross-checking (same reason)
> no slapshots (or we'll have to listen to the goalies bitch. loudly.)
> the center has to pass before anyone can shoot
> if the puck goes over the boards and out of play, it counts as "clearing the defensive zone," and the offensive players must go back to their start positions (marked with chalk)
> if any of the offensive players are not in their start positions when the center starts the puck, the play is "offside" and must be reset.
> if a defenseman clears the puck over (or through) the fence and into the neighbor's yard, it's a two-minute minor penalty. since the power play has yet to fail, it's pretty much a death knell. although, bruce once killed off 1:56 of the penalty before they scored on him. that's the current record to beat.
they typically like having new people try it out. kevin and masa joined in this past sunday, and i think they had a good time. so hit me up if you're interested. there's no set day that we do it, so it's kinda random. we usually play from mid-afternoon 'til dark.
contrary to previous entries, i feel like i was quite productive today.
i signed my major one of my minors and got a professor to sign a paper to allow me to be a tutor for his class (i signed the major/minor with him too). if i get the tutoring job, i actually get paid and it will look really good on my resume to be tutoring for one of the hardest classes in the major. oh cedar springs did prepare me well :P
theeeeeeeen i went to work. which i really didn't want to after a longish day, but of course i went and actually had a great day! it was a laid back day, everyone was laughing and having fun and i was in my bosses office the last 20 minutes or so of the night and they were just making me laugh. finally myyy turn to stand in the office doing nothing and chatting! although we were very very slow and there were no customers out at the booth anyway.
i feel proud of myself for what i did do and what i have done. i don't give myself credit. i love my major and my classes and each day i go, it just motivates me more to do better and to be more involved to learn more. i just really hope i can find something to really get involved with to help me get into grad school...some sort of volunteering or something. i hope i get the tutoring job but if i don't, i really need to find something to do. hmm, ideas?
anyway, i'm going to jakes tomorrow down by detroit. i haven't seen his apartment yet and i can't WAIT to see him!
i can't stand this. i can't live here with everyone having their significant others over. it makes me so lonely and jealous..and upset. so i cry. i'm alone and i hate it.
bus stop, bus is late, ride bus, tromp to class-claaaaaaaaaaaasss-boring..miss the bus on the way back, stand there..wait. wait. wait. damn bus, get home, fight with roommates, eat tv dinner, sit in room.
my room was a complete disaster...and i was getting claustrophobic..so i bought organizational crap from wal mart and shoved crap into the organizational crap. now everything is piled away in drawers and crates and who knows how much i'll have to dig to find things. ugh.
i borrowed a book last fall from my friend..it came with a cd..nowww i HAVE the cd. it's here. but where?! i have no fucking clue. she wants it tomorrow..what do i do?? i know i have it, it's just been tucked away somewhere during all this moving and i want to borrow more books from her for this semster (could save me like $300 bucks) but i assume she won't want me to if i can't find that damn cd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jake is leaving tomorrow. i am SO SAD about this. i have never ever ever seen him cry but he did when i was leaving. granted i was bawling and saying i didn't want him to leave me blah blah etc etc..and so when he did a little bit, it made me realize how sucky the situation is. i cry like every time he leaves me for a few weeks or so but this time it's for serious. i really miss him so much already. i don't like to be without him :(
The hardest thing is rendering a
Moment moving too fast to endure
But you abide and smile wide cause
I want to remember this for sure
You can give me guns and politics and
I'll just make a mess of it, you know
Give me art and sustinance and
The wiser wider part of me will show
Yeah yeah yeah
A picture says with sight
What we can't say with words
But you've been walking eyes to feet
In dark sunglasses
A picture will survive
So smile and look alive
The camera lens is opening
The wider angle's yours
Yeah every empty one of us have methods
To quell the madness of this pace
But yours have bled and are running south
Like dollar store mascara down your face
You could take that wait and all that fuss and
They'll just get the best of us, you know
Give me love not suicide and
The wise wider part of me will show
Yeah yeah
A picture says with sight
What we can't say with words
But you've been walking eyes to feet
In dark sunglasses
A picture will survive
So smile and look alive
The camera lens is opening
The wider angle's yours!
Look alive, smile
Smile and look alive
Smile, smile and look alive
Yeah woah oh
A picture says with sight
What we can't say with words
But you've been walking eyes to feet
In dark sunglasses
A picture will survive
So smile and look alive
A picture says with sight
What we can't say with words
But you've been walking eyes to feet
In dark sunglasses
A picture will survive
So smile and look alive
The camera lens is opening
The wider angle's yours
Look alive
Smile, smile and look alive
Yeah, smile and look alive
Yeah woah