Don't Be Alarmed...
I'm torn into a million pieces like the pages of my soul. Lying here, on the ground, staring at an empty sky that holds no meaning anymore. I want you to tell me it will be okay, but where are your outspread arms? There's nothing for me anymore. Surrounded by anger and sorrow, this blackhole of depression has got to close! It's sucking in my heart, the sanity I have left and I cling desperate to any shred of hope that is left. Maybe we can start over, erase everything, I'll show the real me if you show me the real you. But I know you're gone and no one's there anymore. Maybe they are and I'm playing the martyr again. But, you know everything I've done has always been for you. Who will I save myself for? Certainly I can't for you anymore, love. You cannot break the mortality of this fragile alabaster shell because if you did, this wouldn't be a reality. Merely... a dream. And though I could loose myself in its beauty and the passion that my mind so cleverly allows me to percieve, I would die on the outside even though my soul would soar! So, what price is that that I must pay to smile, to laugh, to be carefree once again? Only a body, only my blood, only my looks and my voice. Only the sparkle that my eyes once held. But, if it means spending eternity with you so my heart can soar into the clouds again, so be it. I will gladly cast it aside. Dependant I have become to you, addicted I am to your voice and your perverted humor. Accustomed I have grown to your anguish and pain. Desperately I long for what has left me so chilled to the bone. I never thought it would end like this, crying.. bleeding and alone.

Because I always thought the perfect death would be in your arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sorry for hurting you. I've changed, I know. But, besides all of those changes, all of those pointless arguments and aside from all of the lust and desire, I still love you the same. Maybe we fell in love with different people, that's a possibility. Don't you want to get to know this me? Are you afraid, is that why you walked out? You didn't want to be left first... I understand. I thought about it, too. God, it plagued me for nights on end, but I guess there was an error in my judgement because I didn't choose what was right. Still, sin felt so good. I'm so sorry... I wasted so much of your time, can you ever forgive me? Can you ever forgive such a filthy slob like me?

3 Words.
I. Hate. Me.

Three words and nothing more.

My Oober Long Rant About How Much I Hate Chelsea.
This isn't like one of my normal entried, but I figure I'll put it in here for Mojo since she can't see livejournal. You'll see my point and LAUGH.

Okay, okay. Everyone knows there's probably only a few things in this world that I hate. Bible thumpers being one. And hypocrites being another.

I am so suck and fucking tired of being told I'm going to hell because I dress in all black. I am sick of being told I'm going to hell because I don't go to church. And I am DEFINATELY sick and fucking tired of being told that Jesus saves.

You know what? How about I cram a Bible down your fucking throat? Or, you know what? Maybe I'll flip to the page of the Bible that says something along these lines: Spread the word of Christ. Okay, NOWHERE in that sentence does it say CRAM CHRISTIANITY DOWN THE NONBELIEVERS' THROATS ::Deep breath:: Alright, you want to know WHY I am so worked up now that I've said that (probably more ranting to come so hold on to your seat)?

Well, that little fucking goodie-goodie Chelsea, AFTER telling me I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God, comes in and says she fails a math test. This is the same girl who's every fucking art project is somehow related to Christianity and whose every conversation somehow ends up going on and on about how anyone who isn't Christian is a heathen. Yes, you heard me. So, me being the onry bitch that I am, just burst out laughing. Once I got control, I saud, "Ah, that's the hardest I've laughed in years!" And you know what?! Oh, my fucking God. Listen to this and read these words VERY carefully. Her reply:

"Don't be a bitch."

Can you believe that fucking hypocritical little whore?! Trying to look all cute in her shoulder-bearing sweater. You fat fucking pig, put on some modest clothes, no one wants to see your fat stomach or hear you big fucking mouth! She had the nerve to call me a bitch after all of the ranting she does about accepting Jesus into your life and all this other shit. I swear to... something if I had a gun right then and there, I would have fired it right into her narrow skull.

No, I'm not saying I hate you if you're Christian. Hell, I don't even care if you tell me I'm going to hell. But if you firmly believe that Jesus lived and died for your sins and you follow his teachings;
1. Do NOT judge other people. There is only one person who is going to judge you and you don't have the right to judge anyone else.
2. Do NOT say curses directed towards someone, ESPECIALLY if you're going to get up in front of fourty people and tell them all of your Christian beliefs.

As I said, I'm not hating on you, just that little Chelsea bitch. I hate hypocrites.

So... That's pretty much it. Wow, I feel better. Heheh.

Apologies
Today I did something I know I'll regret tomorrow.
Seeing her face twisted into such sweet sorrow.
Maybe I'll say sorry another day and smile.
But I think I will just leave her alone a little while.


Just a little short poem I had on my mind.

Let's see if this works.

Wolf ~ Wolves are also regarded as path finders
and teachers. Wolf is represented by the
constellation Sirius, the Dog.
In the Zuni tradition the Wolf symbolizes the
direction East.
Wolf's Wisdom Includes:

Facing the end of one's cycle with dignity and
courage

Death and rebirth

Spirit teaching

Guidance in dreams and meditations

Instinct linked with intelligence

Social and familial values

Outwitting enemies

Loyalty

Steadfastness

perseverance

Taking advantage of change



Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Your an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creture, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and Familly are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
always apoligize later!


What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


F:

Look What I Found
Heh, I found this in my notebook. I need to get a new one, there's hardly any paper in this one anymore, I used it all. Because I'm fat and I hate trees. No, I'm kidding, trees should kill us. Wouldn't that be a sight to see? A tree with a hatchet. Fun.

So, here it is, slightly modified.

The air stings my eyes like a swarm of angry wasps
A thousand needles throbbing in the pupils of my eyes
Look at all the people walking passed me in the halls
So freely and so gaily frolicking
My stomach churns and writhes inside of me
How sickening it is to see them smile
But how can I think such things?
I can tell you, because they think the same things about me.
Relentlessly.
Look at the little morbid girl
Clad in all black she is, her eyes trained on the feet in front of her.
How depressing.
We all wish she would shut up and leave,
It was a better place without her to begin with.
I think I'm going to cease trying for unattainable goals
Such high expectations will only be my downfall
They're only going to let me down in the end
Lower them, that's all I can do to be truely happy.
Down and down, beneath the worms.
That's the way it always is
The way my feelings project to the so-called 'friends' I keep.
Trying to relieve my pain through a keyboard
Sigh, how depressing...

It sucked a whole lot worse than this, but raw emotion beats fancy words anyday. Rage, depression, hostility, all wrapped and tied with a ribbon of hatred.

Thank you.
I feel a little happier.

Thank you.

A little about me
Try to tie me down and I'll just run away.

Try to tell me what I can't do and I'll do it anyway.

Love me too constrictingly and I'll find another.

Don't love me enough and I'll leave.

Talk to me and I'll be pleased.

Ignore me and I will cry.

Touch me like that and I'll melt in your arms.

Be too rough with me and I'll return the favor.

Comfort me when I cry and I'll do the same for you unquestioningly.

Laugh at me and I will exact revenge.

Laugh with me and we'll stay friends.

Talk about me behind my back and I'll hurt you worse than you ever could hurt me.

Hurt those I love and I'll rip out your heart and put it on a metal stake.

Hurt those I hate and I shall be your ally.

Give me what I want and I'll be your slave.

Don't give me what I want and I will continue to be ignorant.

If you are smart, I will respect you.

If you are stupid, I will treat you like the idiot you are.

If you are narrow-minded, I will open your mind.

If you are open-minded, I'll be your best friend.

If you are spiritually mature, I will regard you as one of the higher people.

If you are physically mature, I will stare at your chest and/or crotch.

If you are mentally mature, I will regard you as a higher person.

Talk about relationships constantly and I will stop talking to you.

Replace me with a significant other and I will hate you for the rest of time.

Turn your back on me and I will cry.

Open your arms to me and I will seek shelter in them.

Hurt me and karma will get you back.

Tell me that I'm emo, I will hurt you.

Try to kill yourself, I will lose all respect for you.

Defile your body and I won't regard you very highly.

If you are overly religious, I will staple your lips together.

If you are anti-gay, I will shot you in the forehead.

If you are pro-war, you can kiss my ass.

If you tell me what I like is shit, I will cry, but I'll get over it.

If I like you and you don't like me back, that's fine.

If you like me but I don't like you, I'm sorry.

If the feeling is mutual, please tell me.

I'm a selfish, over protective, indecisive, sex-starved Scorpio.

My Love...
Disappointed and beyond believing you even give a damn.

Making cursory examinations of my conscience because I really don't want to see the dirty little secrets held within the spider webbing of my soul.

Somewhere wrists are crying their tears of scarlet, and the eyes are shedding their scopes of reality as walls twist and shadows bend.

No one will hear their screams as their pain consumes their sanity and no one will ever care because no one knows they exsist.

Kind of sad when you think about it...

"Should I trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or should I trust nobody and live in lonilness. Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade and then I just wind up getting hurt again by myself." (LP, By Myself)

Those are the words I scream at myself everynight before my head hits the pillow and I'm lost in pleasent nightmares of you dying, my love.

I cry but no one cares because they don't know I'm here.



Have I ever told you it's always been for you?

Blegh..
Uncomfortable silences haunt our conversations once full of your views on the world and hearty laughter. Now all is dead, your flower garden died and all that's left are the weeds.

Why do you use your problems as excuses? You never saw them drag me down like this, did you? And whay are you trying to be societies little puppet bound by the expectations of others?

You never used to care what they said about you as long as we had each other but you've become so hard to please, I'm trying. Seeds take time to grow, but I think they've all died, perhaps.

All I seek is the reason for your change. Like a butterfly you morphed, but maybe not into something more beautiful. You drag me down with your emotions putting your weight on my shoulders and I bear it without question because my heart cannot allow me to do otherwise.

Please stop being like this, I can't stand what you've become. Your constant griping and moaning. The world doesn't revolve around you even though you'd like to think it does.

Ah, but when you hold me in your arms... I never want to let that moment go.

Angel
I am so not feeling poetic. But, hell, I'll try.
~~~~
She watches the world go by through her looking glass stained by the hatred she's too blind to see. She sits by, watching the world turn, society burn.

Does she care that little children cry of the boogie man when they go to sleep? Does it even matter what other people go through?

So stolid, so heartless. That's what they all say. But none of them know of her realistic facade. The mask she parades when they all ask if she is okay.

She smiles and nods and reverts back to her own thoughts, the only things that seem to even make sense anymore.

Around her the world is dying. People are loosing themselves in the beauty of artificial happiness. They are to blind to see. She thinks she sees the beauty of the world. The beauty of the hatred, the magnificence of the anger, the bitter-sweet taste of the sorrow.

In time the stitches left by the tainted hands of others will fade, but inside they will always stay. Threatening to wither, to consume.

Is she a victim? Or does she only enjoy the childish game of make-believe?

With one swift slice she could end the pain that gathers inside of her like morning dew. But she will prevail if only to prove she could be the thing they said she could never be.

An angel.
~~~~
Letting my mind go again. I guess I was feeling more poetic than I thought. ^^;

Once Upon a Time
Long ago there was a flower, a single lone flower. No other flowers could grow around if for the flower was covered with thorns and towered over even the tallest tree with only it's one single bud and poisonous leaves.

Alone it lived for a very long time, growing larger by the years. Still, only the one flower remained, never dying and never blooming. Just staying as eternally young forever.

Seasons came and went, but still larger it grew. It dwarfed the town nearby as one tangle of black vines, thorns all about it and only that tiny bud at the top, daring to rise to the heavens itself.

And in the shadows rose a single flower. Nothing special, it was small and miniscule compared to the giant mess of brambles. It grew higher and higher, but never rose above the unbudded flower, wrapping itself around the thorny stalk.

No matter how much the thorns ripped at it's skin, it continued to spiral around until the two flowers were intwined.

In that moment of perfection both flowers burst into bloom.



See what you make of it. It makes no sense to me, but you know.. whatever.

This Always Happens To Me...
I put a bullet through me, shattered my stained glass heart. He said he didn't hate me, he just disliked me.. there isn't much difference when you get to that line, is there?

Crucifixtions from long ago came back to haunt the apology, he couldn't bear that I was not his. I wanted to stay friends, I did worry, I still care, but he said friendship was bullshit. Bullshit, huh..

I cried tears of black because this naive mind could not understand.. it could not comprehind the reason behind his illogical thinking though it so desperately tried. I couldn't understant why he never wanted to breath another word to me.. it was because of those damned crucifixtions that travel through time like bleeding wounds.

I know he'll never listen to what I have to say, nor can I speak the words that truely express my deep concern and worry for him, but why should I waste my time on one who doesn't care whether he's loved or scorned?

Great.. now the ebony sea is rolling with the tides of sorrow once again.

I just wanted to be your friend.

::sigh:: I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I seem dissatisfied all of the time, nothing can please me anymore. I hunger for more, for perfection itself but even perfection is not enough. I expect too much from the people around me. I expect them to be flawless and when they're not I feel disappointed and angry that they could let me down.

I know it was wrong of me to be so angry at Trevor for something so stupid. I wish I could hug him and tell him I'm sorry, but my stupid pride keeps getting in the way. I worry about how I'll look, how he'll look. Maybe if we weren't in front of so many people. Maybe I will tomorrow.. I dunno. I don't want to embarrass him.. or myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, it feels like I'm a different person, I don't know myself at all anymore.

Life just drags on and on..
Today was good, I guess.

Not weather wise, the sky was pouring forth endless torrents of rain all day because of Frances and the wind was ripping, pulling leaves from trees and branches and such.

We stand in the gym usually, in the morning before the bell rings and I was standing there. Well.. CJ and Kasey are going out. And now I come to find Sam is going out with Lacey. Damn hypocrite. He doesn't want me going out with him and he thinks it's so messed up and he goes and does the exact same thing. Not that I'm jealous, I could care less, really.

But Kasey won't shut up about CJ. I'm serious, every other word that comes out of her mouth is about CJ. It's almost as bad as Stephanie is with Daniel. Geez. Sorry, I'm easy to agitation I guess.

KB is also going out with Daniel, she dumped Tyler I guess. Heh, everyone has someone, I guess I feel kind of out-of-the-loop. But, I really don't want a relationship. I want one, but I don't. Confusing, I know. I'll be fine without one, but feel lonely and unwanted and bitch about it. Then when I get one, I constantly bitch and complain and it's so hard to please me, Nick knows that ^^;

Not sure if Chris likes me or not. I think Micheal likes me.. not sure on that one either. Why do I feel uncomfortable looking into the eyes of other people? Do I see more than I should? I wonder.

I am so high I can hear heaven..
I am so high I can hear heaven..
Oh but heaven, no, heaven don't hear me.

And they say that a hero can save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away.

Someone told me love would all save us.
But how can be?
Look what love gave us.
A world full of killing and blood spilling.
That world never came.

And they say that a hero can save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away.

Now that the world isn't ending,
It's love that I'm sending to you.
It isn't the love of a hero.
And that's why I fear it won't do.

And they say that a hero can save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away.

And they're watching us
They're watching us as we all fly away.
And they're watching us
They're watching us as we all fly away.
And they're watching
They're watching us as we all fly away.

Today started off well enough.. though I was limping because my foot hurt. I had on new boots that weren't broken in, so it was kind of.. hard. And some kid came up to me and said, "Hey, Limpy!"

I didn't even know him...

In art, Trevor was really friendly.. or, more energetic than he usually is around me in Art. I fake-punched him then had to kiss his cheek to make it better ^^;

I don't think Chris likes me as much as I like him.. it's fine, I can understand why he wouldn't want to bring moi home to his parents. They're like oober Christians supposedly.. they'd probably be putting holy water in my drinks and crap. It's get annoying after awhile.

Anyways.. I feel like drawing something. Dunno what, but something sounds nice. Ja ne.

I don't think I've ever put happy as my mood before, have I? All I put is depressed.. bitchy.. bla bla, etc, etc. Anyways!

My goodness, today was sooo lovely! Lacey(no, not the redneck that screws her cousin XD) invited me over her house this weekend! And I was like: "Well.." And all she had to say was: "Chris George lives next door." And I was like: "Okay, then!"

Ooh, for some reason he reminds me of Sharon, I think it's their eyes. Like, he's got those wide eyes that are light blue and they just kind of sparkle. So cute ^^ He's a skater, too. I plan to ask him if he'll teach me to skateboard without ending up on my ass.. e.e; I don't think I evr told you about that!

My dad gave my sister a ToysR'Us goft card for like $100 dollars so we went there and I was all lookin at the skateboards and there were a few people in that isle. So, I put my foot on it and leaned my weight on it and it just went "SHOOM!" right out from underneath of me and I was on my ass and I swear everyone was looking at me O.O;; Oh, well.

^____^ So, later!

A Few More..
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