i am currently sitting in an empty house with joe asleep on the couch next to me. daniel just left to get some sleep and work on his arrangement tomorrow. i started my painting today; i did the line drawings of the faces and figures. mike, joe, and dan love it so far and i love them for loving it. mike has been down lately and i'm trying to help, but i never know what to say. the best i can do is stand and listen awkwardly and offer my opinions when i think he would like to hear them. mostly i think he wants to vent, but not be reassured. his problems are those that must be battled out in his heart.

ju is forcing me to live on campus next semester and joe and i don't know what we will do. this summer we have so many plans, it is of rather high importance that we find a place to live. jamie and christina are moving out and jacob will live on the streets if he must. it is not too pressing currently, but it will be and i have to vent about it somewhere or i will explode.

i would like to vent about patrick. he hates me but i feel as though our situation is similar to jane's and mr. collins. she is "the last woman on earth who could ever make him happy." that is the fucking truth. our relationship, while it had its moments of perfection and happiness, was not meant for the long haul. i would have never been happy, and i could not have loved him the way he deserved to be. the purpose of love is to bring out the best in someone and there was none of that with patrick and i, not in the end. i stand by my decision to end the relationship, i stand by that it was the best decision for the both of us, but he does not understand the toll that decision took on me. at least i respected and loved him enough to keep from writing a dear john letter.

i know i should not be saying this. no matter my defense, there will always be a thousand arguments against me. but someone has to know that i did hurt and i still cannot listen to any of our songs or watch any of our movies. i did not just drop him. that decision will allow him to find a perfect girl that will love him deeply and truly.

this was an eternity ago. i have been thinking about it very often lately because of dan. we are slowly developing into something very overwhelming, and i was scared and still am. i do not want it to end the same way, i do not under any circumstances want him to hate me the way that patrick does, no matter what happens between us. i want to let him into my heart and i want to be a part of his. it is such a strong and potent feeling. i could love him. he is unbelievably good for me. he takes such wonderful care of me in every sense and he is so very strong. i am hanging from the edge and i need to let go, i have to trust him. i could love him if i would just let my fingers slip away.

he knows himself. his eyes are open and warm and he wants to know everything about me. he wrapped his arms around me on the beach and we talked and smoked cigarettes until dawn, went back to my room and made plans for rothbury until we fell asleep.

this will all be okay.

joe is talking in his sleep next to me, i'm listening to an old coldplay album, and i'm going to read all night. life is okay.

Are you an Angel, too?