Out of Season

Out of Season

:: 2011 29 May :: 2.44 pm
:: Mood: crushed

Texts are pointless
I woke up to a very bad dream today. I wish I would stop having these sorts of issues.

I...don't really have anything to say. I feel like I did at some point, but not anymore...

:: 2011 28 May :: 2.39 pm
:: Mood: content

Chubby cheeks.
Yesterday was satisfactory I guess. I feel very unfulfilled.

Ana and I got ahold of eachother, she's in town for Anime Oasis + seeing family, so we got a chance to hang out. I ended up spending most of the evening with her. She's just like I remember, with all of the same problems that she always had.
Maia is a baby that I don't quite hate, but I feel like I could grow to hate quickly. Her face is very huge and she is always angry. Always. She laughed when Ana said "Bullshit". That is the kind of baby she is.

We went to dinner with Jessica and it was a little infuriating. After she just ditched me out of her life and cut all ties she just treated me like we had always talked and been fine. WE ARE NOT FINE. I just wanted to confront her all night but I held it back for the sake of Ana. I know that Ana is a creepy social queen somehow who never makes enemies no matter how rude and horrible she is to them. That is frustrating too.

I missed Ren's nightly call, and it felt a little guilty. I know he's not like... dependant on it and nor am I but it is at least nice to talk to him even if it's just us playing Pokemon and describing our battles together. I would rather be chatting with someone else. :/

Facebook is boring today, everyone is at AO. Bleh.

:: 2011 27 May :: 3.03 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Fuck 2.0
It is raining SO HARD OUT THERE UUUUUUF!!!
I want to be out walking in it but I just got here. :<

Yesterday just sort of got worse and worse from the moment I woke up, and hasn't really gotten better. Well, no I guess that isn't true, Ben is being nice to be again and I don't feel like I'm going to faint anymore. Small improvements, but I guess that is what people are supposed to be greatful for.

I am so tired of mixed signals.
I can't believe it's almost been two months... -sigh- I need to make some more doctor's appointments. I feel like time hasn't moved an inch. Like I can still wake up next to him and kiss his lips and explain that I'm not sick anymore and we can do anything we want. I can't though.

Grandma and everyone else is blaming Joe for my hightened depression and my S.A.D.s... I get so mad. It wasn't him, it's my fault. I should never have moved to Emmett, I should have just sacrificed to get Joe to move to Boise with me. I honestly believe that if I had managed that I would have never gotten so hard to handle for him, I would have never fallen so far. We would still be together...

I keep getting pressured for dates from various male friends. I am alienating them because I can't stand it. It's filthy. No matter how much I tell myself that Joe and I are done just the idea of going to dinner with someone else feels like a betrayal.
I love him so much.

I hate this.

3 | <3

:: 2011 26 May :: 6.02 pm
:: Mood: still compulsive

Shit.
Forget my last post. I compulsively made it VERY private.

I am still very serious about what I said, I just decided that it'll go better if no-one knows.

1 | <3

:: 2011 25 May :: 6.09 pm
:: Mood: high

Nutrality is overated.
Had a really rad day on Monday! I ended up wandering around downtown Boise and the greenbelt with Benchoo. >w< It was hella fun, I missed that part of town so much! I saw a bunch of familiar stuff and got to tell a bunch of stories about when I was in highschool. I really am glad that I am back in Boise, I mean I am really lonely most of the time but I'm so... relaxed.

I get to walk around as much as I want, and I never feel like I'm getting looked at too much. Even after that fuckery last Friday with the attack I am feeling really good. Kelsey and Ben have been really supportive and having Wes really calmed me down. Ana should be in town soon too, and she has been very kind about the whole thing.

Heh, I am pretty sore from Monday through, I didn't think I would be out here so soon after that night...

I am really happy right now!

:: 2011 21 May :: 2.34 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Serious post.
On the way home last night I was attacked in the street. I didn't get a good description of the men who did it, and even if I did I don't know if I would have the courage to step up to the police.

I feel very violated and scared, and very angry. Getting to the Library today was... I sat on my porch just silent trying to get the courage to walk out to the street for three hours. Mom ended up driving me but I am detirmened to get home on my own.

I am for the most part fine, some scratches and bruises but they didn't manage to get into my clothes so I feel like as long as I don't think about them touching me and throwing me around too much I can get over it. I'll never trust this City again... or at least I won't for awhile.

I don't know. I'm really emotional. I don't know what to think anymore...

:: 2011 20 May :: 5.17 pm
:: Mood: Pissed

This asshole.
Just cancled my counciler appointment. I don't want to learn to make new friends, I am doing FUCKING fine all my myself.

Friends just lie.

2 | <3

:: 2011 18 May :: 3.14 pm
:: Mood: exanimate

Easily the clearest options.
What a nice rainy day, can't wait to walk home.

I woke up to a very serious realization, as I revisited for the millionth time Joe and my relationship in my dreams. My Subconscious is trying to demonize Joe so that I can get over him. In the past I dated cheating, lying, dickbags who were easy to get over because they were worth all the anger I felt towards them.
Joe is a loving, kind, hillarious amazing man who is worth every ounce of my love, and that makes him hell to get over. My heart and my soul want to love him until the day I die, but my mind is trying to save me from the pain of this recovery from him. It's an internal battle going on at all times inside me.

No matter what happens, no matter if we never get back together... I will never stop fighting to keep my heart and soul true! I love Joseph P. Sweet!
I always will. :)

My nails are pretty rockin today, I'm really proud of myself. I did my makeup again today~ (-3 points because I didn't change outfits... Gotta start somewhere...) I may want to fall apart emotionally and physically (when I don't have my lovely pile of meds handy) but I'm slowly getting some of my pride back.

Today might end up being a good day. Still too early to tell though.

1 | <3

:: 2011 17 May :: 6.00 pm
:: Mood: enthralled

A fevered rise of voices.
Oh evergrowing variety of pills, how frustrating it is to look at you all.

I don't even know what possessed me to come here today, I am tired of being sick... I guess my overwhelming desire to actually have a conversation since people are big fat pussies and won't take a fucking call.
"I'm not a talker."
Bullshit. You want to talk to me, I don't have a computer, you fuckin call. That is how the world works. Want me to send a fucking CROW?!
Ugh, sudden bad mood.
"Sudden"

Thinking of going to watch Ben's band play one of these nights when I don't feel like my head is going to shoot lava out both of my ears.
(See: how I feel right this second.)

At least I'm wearing make-up today. I am legit proud of myself.
Go Nee!

:: 2011 15 May :: 1.03 pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Leveling up with a handycap.
Last night was rad, but I think the universe is punishing me for being happy.

I watched Burlesque and Black Swan with Kelsey last night, they were both great films. I have to admit that I am absolutely obsessed with Burlesque dancing. I might actually look into some videos and learning tapes, because it looks like a great work out and a ton of fun. :3

Black Swan was about how I expected, minus some of the timeline expectations. Otherwise a good film, I'd reccomend it.

Today didn't really start out too promising. I sort of want to just walk away from the Library today and not consern myself with what happens back at the house. I'm not healed, I would likely just make myself more sick... but sometimes I just think it would be better that way.

I dunno, talking to Wes sort of cheers me up, but he's too... cheerful. I get tired of him so quickly. He reminds me of Pat and Cody if they had a gay love child. Full of pride and not alot of subsance. Well no that's not true, I just find him boring. XD

I miss cheesy chicken casarole.

:: 2011 14 May :: 1.14 pm
:: Mood: dorky

5 kinds of bread.
I had a whole bunch to write last night, but now that I'm here I can't remember a thing. I think it was Joe relevant but I guess in retrocpect ya'll are prolly tired of hearing about that.

I don't know what kind of mood I'm in today to be honest. I woke up and came straight over here. My ear hurts. ;_;

Kelsey is supposed to spend the night tonight, I am excited for that. I hope she doesn't bail on me... She bailed on me 3 times before she made it over last time...

Two hours and I couldn't think of anything interesting to write. XD

:: 2011 13 May :: 1.22 pm
:: Mood: content

Rah rah fight the powah!
The left side of my mouth is killing me. ._. Boo.

My mood is staying pretty even today, I'm pretty happy about it! As long as no-one tries to talk to me while I'm here I can see myself being pretty content through the day. :3

Yesterday was weird. This guy started talking to me in the library, which I guess is pretty normal, but he was flirting hardcore and it was fun at first it made me feel pretty... but after awhile it was annoying and he was turning into a creeperrrr. I wanted him to stop touching me, but of course I was fucking paralized in a panic attack and all I could do was keep moving away. He wasn't bad looking or anything, just a weird personality. Which was explained when I found out he was 32! Eek! I am not ready for men (or women for that matter) and I'm REALLY not ready for a 32 year old! I told him I just got out of a really serious relationship and wasn't looking for anything.
It didn't faze him, he said if I didn't want anything serious we could just "have fun". Ick, no thankyou. This all happened in like the first 5 minutes, and he hovered around me for like an hour. I should have just left, but I really hoped I would see Joe online...

I miss him, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I want to be mad at him.

Kelsey did come over, we watched Game of Thrones (3-4) and had a grand ol' time. I wish she would have stayed longer but she was tired and I could tell she was hurtin... She really fixed my day yesterday.
She says she's going to try to help fix the hot-tub at my parent's house to try and see if we can shmoose them into letting me stay past monday. Who knows if it will work? I hope so!

I found an old necklace I haven't worn in years, the black one with big black beads. I'm wearing it now, just for fun. Highschool was so long ago!

Lost 8 pounds since I had my teeth removed, I give credit to only being able to eat 1 time a day with my menu consisting of either fruit smoothies or soup.

:: 2011 12 May :: 11.43 am
:: Mood: mellow

Updates on a quarter.
The visit to the dentist went okay. Not as good as I had hoped, but you take what you can get. It bought me some more time, I have until monday now.

My dry socket is healing slowly, but any improvement is something that I am thankful for. This pain is frustrating.

I had an odd dream last night. I don't really know what to make of it. I was in highschool and on a bus full of people who were taunting and abusing me physically and verbally. The only person there willing to take me in and hug me when I was down... was Pat of all god damn people. I remember seeing him talking online with pornstars, so I guess my sleeping mind holds the same opinion that my waking mind does. XD;

Kelsey says that she's going to visit me today, I hope she does. I'm getting really needy as I'm healing. Even my phone buddy has been hella busy. :<

I've decided that I want to buy jogging pants. I sort of have some, but they look more like PJ's. Plus face it, I would look hella rad with "Bootylisous" scrawled across my ass. >w<

I somehow got into a better mood while I've been here. Radtacular.
Sweetdiculous.
/sigh

:: 2011 11 May :: 3.41 pm
:: Mood: gloomy

My feild trip.
So, I was right. I spent most of the day obsessing over my angry journal post. I won't delete it though, I just can't be that much of a coward anymore.

Obsessing wasn't as bad as usual yesterday since I ended up with alot on my mind.
I ended up in the emergency dental center about an hour after I got out of the Library. My mouth was pulsing with pain and I had been crying off an on all day just from the agony. Almost as soon as they looked at me they realized that I had an issue called "Dry Socket". They shoved some needles in and cleaned it out (while I writhed and sobbed under them from the new levels of pain I was reaching.)

Eventually they put some horrible pink gel on me which tasted like bug spray and bile and explained to be why I had gotten dry socket. The gel was burning something fierce so I was listening as best I could.
Appearantly because everyone in my house smokes but me my immunity to it is low(obviously) and because of that the blood thinning effects of cig smoke were pretty much ensuring that I couldn't form a clot in my mouth wounds. The lack of a clot is making sure that I do not heal, and is also allowing all sorts of bad germs in causing all kinds of infections.

SO I ASK: "What can I do?"
AND HE SAYS: "Get away from the smoke..."

And I cry a little bit here because I can't get away from the smoke.
I head out to the lobby and the nurses come with me and explain to Grandma (who had driven me) what was causing the dry socket.
She.
Was.
OUTRAGED.
Furious that they had told her that smoking was what caused my pain. She abuses the nurse for a little bit and we leave.

In the car ride home she informs me that I have to move out. She said she would put in a good word with my aunt but otherwise I should start calling friends. By the time we get to the house she's raging out and accusing me of making the doctor just say that the smoke was doing it to punish her. We explain things to Mom and she decides that Grandma is right, and also rages out on me.

I cry some, and leave to get my norco script filled. When I get back everyone is sitting on the sofa and they call me in. Grandma informs me that I have another appointment with the doctor on Thursday, so I can stay in the house until then. If my Dry socket isn't healed by then I have to find somewhere else to go. They would not change their lifestyle just because my mouth was having a hard time healing. My aunt said she was too stressed out to take me in, so this is my only choice.

Currently they have me set up with fans all around me and all the windows open (they complain that it's too hot/too cold any chance they get to walk past me). I was consitering getting a medical facemask at one point when I was mad, but now I don't have the energy for it.
I came out with the excuse that it would get me away from the smoke for a little while. It's sort of true...I just... don't have any energy left in me to live.

Fuck this pain, nothing puts a dent into it.

:: 2011 10 May :: 12.58 pm
:: Mood: bitchy

A small addmittion of guilt.
My wisdom tooth extraction went okay, I'm just in mind numbing pain.

You would think that this would cause people to be slightly nice to me? Oh don't be silly, it's the best time to kick a Nee- when she's down and sobbing already.

It's never going to be enough. Joe's shown me that it will never be enough. "Don't worry about what I'm doing" yeah I've heard that before. A couple times actually. Just make sure to get tested big guy, not everyone is as loyal as a Nee. Not everyone makes sure she is healthy before letting someone stick it in.

I don't even know why I am so angry. I guess it's just TIME for it. I've let everyone else be mad at me, I've let everyone else kick me in the stomach everytime they feel insecure or drunk or high. I'm tired of it. People LIKED me when I was mad all the time and didn't take any prisoners. I didn't want to be that way again but it's clear that it'll be the only way I can survive this bullshit.

Ohhh and it is bullshit.

When I get done with all of this shit with doctors I'm going to look into nice apartment downtown. A one bedroom one bath little slice of shit that I can shove my things into while I go find something fun to do each night. I'm too sick to sit around each night. If I'm going to keel over I might as well do it with a bang.

The WORST part of this is that I miss him. I GENUINELY miss that jerk. When I sleep I see him, and I'm swimming in my painkillers I can't imagine anyone else. I love Joe with all of my heart, but it's never going to be enough for him.

He doesn't believe that he can change, so he won't believe that I CAN change. Promises mean NOTHING to him when he won't even give me the fucking chance. I am so tired. I am tired of being in love.

I am tired of wanting to trust.
Just so tired.

No, I was wrong. The worst part is that in 15 minutes I will regret this fucking heart to heart post because all I ever want is to make him happy.

1 | <3

:: 2011 4 May :: 1.07 pm
:: Mood: jealous

(Click for full picture of Shirt)

Yesterday I grabbed a camera from the house and just sat myself down. I want to have a happy picture of my face before tomarrow... I guess it's a happy face. I have alot on my mind. I miss afew people, I am scared to lose what little beauty I still see in myself.

I feel like I've surrendered. I don't really feel good about anything, and I don't have the energy to argue with anyone. It's making me feel very powerless.

Also my fear and exhaustion has made me very sexually frustrated. Fuck the last 4 weeks. Mad ABOUT it.

:: 2011 3 May :: 3.28 pm
:: Mood: disappointed

But nothing happened everytime I'd try.
People think I don't pay attention. I remember every scar I've ever touched and every stretch of skin I've ever tasted.

:: 2011 3 May :: 2.16 pm
:: Mood: crushed

What I remember.
I had a dream last night where I died in surgery quick and painless as I slipped away. When I opened my eyes to the after life I found myself in front of a tall dark skinned man with the lightest blue hair. Borderline cobalt in a long braid to his waist. He took my hand and explained to me that my years if faith in the Denican heart had impressed him and all who watched on me, and for that I had earned a small reward.
He told me that I could have the 24 hours leading up to my own death back, that I could live it again and make any changes that I wanted as long as I didn't change the fact that I would die. Without a thought I agreed and thanked him. We kissed necks and I closed my eyes for a second, opening them to my grandmother's living room.
I wasted no time, I called everyone that I had the number of (and some I don't, but in dream land you can do alot) and told them that I loved them and that I had absolute faith in their lives.

I quickly got dressed and drove to Emmett, my heart pounding at every mile. It was evening by then and I was having a hard time breathing. Pulling up to Joe's house I snuck to the side and tapped on his window. He came and my heart broke for the millionth time. He invited me in, and I came locking the door behind me. He looked at me confused, and I just smiled and explained that I had to leave for the surgrey the next day and I was scared. I wanted to have one night with him alone so that no matter what happened I would go in calm and happy.
He said okay, and we kissed. Long and passionately with out hands clasped together. I pulled his shirt off and he did the same for me, hands taking any small fleeting chance to touch and caress the other's skin. We made love, slow and lovingly, with our voices quiet and understanding. As he finished I wrapped my arms around him at the lower back pushing my heartbeat against his. Again he was ready, and we continued fast and frantic our thoats too raw from gasping to say anything. It continued for what felt like hours, like days and finally neither could continue. We were spent and quiet simply laying next to eachother the lines of our bodies pressed together.
We whispered "I love you." in unison and I cried. Long shaking screams of anger and of loss, like a leopard that had lost everything from it's life.
I blinked, and I had become a beast, furred and ferral staring at the ground as I howled at the grass below me.
I blinked and I was in a parkinglot, standing outside of the hostpital where I'll go under the knife.
Smiling, I walked into the office, knowing that I would die, and I was at peace.

1 | <3

:: 2011 1 May :: 2.32 pm
:: Mood: morose

Techno Blasting
I woke up very depressed today. I slept in for about 5 extra hours....l didn't want t wake up... didn't want to talk to anyone. I really wish I could get out of this rutt...there is alot of sun today. I should be having a good day. =_=

I had a really intense dream last night, I'm not sure of many of the details but I kept waking up shaking. I'm pretty exhausted from it all.

I guess I'm going to teach myself to ride a bike this week, if I can find enough money to fix this tire that is all fucked up. :< I guess it will be good for me or something. Hmmf.

I can't stop shaking everytime I think about my surgeries... I don't want to go anymore... I don't want to disappear either though... Mmf...

:: 2011 30 April :: 12.33 pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Every darn thing that I do is never as cute as you.
Kelsey and I went to the store last night and I came out with a new shirt. I think I am in love with it, but because it's so thin I sm scared to wear it.

I am currently wearing it.
Because fear is just another four letter word or something. Hmnf.

My life is still very ruled by the fact that I don't want to do something that will make Joe mad. This is silly, but still true. I think about what he'd like me to wear and how he'd like me to act. It's comforting most of the time, but I know I have to shake the habit or I will never recover. /sigh
The shirt I got came in blue. I bought the pink one. I'm a little guilty.