Out of Season

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Out of Season

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:: 2008 22 July :: 2.06pm
:: Mood: bored

I'm stealing my gramma's computer atm. Unfortunately it's full of more fail than mine at home. Uh... I talked to Kell for all of like 10 minutes thanks to continual dissconnects. Gotta love them.
I miss him so much. It's ridiculous being used to talk to each other almost every day, and now for the past like two weeks we've spoken once over the phone for about 15 minutes, and then once online. It's hard. And I read his woohu post about what Mandie said, and yeah... I mean, we don't ever really take too much out on each other, but that fight totally fit the bill for that one.
It was so unlike us to actually be upset with one another, and it freaked me out. I had never been that furious with him. I didn't feel like he knew how I felt and didn't want to take the time to figure it out.
Anyway, it's over now. Things are hopefully back to their good graces.

But yeah, I gotta go. I need to go see my mom at work and then I guess we're going to work upstairs at the house. I'll probably die from heat exhaustion. It's fucking hot as hell upstairs. I guess we could turn the a/c on, but we usually don't because we don't want a ridiculous bill. It's an older house and the cool air will probably seep out of some crack or another.
I love the house though, I'll try to post some pictures relatively soon. First we have to get our shit moved in and get internet.
Ugh, it's like we've been working forever and nothing important is getting accomplished. That's not true, exactly, though, because everything is CLEAN. Anad that's a huge deal to me.

:: 2008 20 July :: 10.13am
:: Music: Music from "Rurouni Kenshin"

Have I really not updated since April? For shame.

Things are better now than they apparently were then. I've almost finished my last semester in Berlin -- classes have stopped meeting but I still have two final papers to write and grades to collect before my academic obligations are taken care of for good. It's starting to dawn on me how little time I really have left in Germany, and it's somewhat bittersweet. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home -- I've never been this far or away this long before. On the other hand, my friends are already starting to dissipate and scatter, and while I hope that I'll see them again, given their far-flung origins and the weakness of the US dollar, there's really no guarantee. A couple of them sound interested in someday coming to California, which makes me happy.

Speaking of California, I discovered yesterday that it was on my birthday in 1848 that Mexico sold California (among a few other desert states) to the USA. What an auspicious day of birth I have.

:: 2008 18 July :: 10.13pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Jake playing guitar....

FUCK BALLS.
And then Kelly was gone forever and we never talked.
w00t.
>.<

I can't even call his phone. Last night it was just like, "this mobile user... blah blah blah," and tonight it was busy.
I kind of expected/hoped he would call me back today after I called him like four fucking times, but NOPE.
Ugh.

Anyway, I've decided that I'll just save money here and there, and acquire enough to pay rent for June, July, and August, and still plan on moving in May. There is NO fucking way I can get out of signing the lease. It's not up to me, it's not up to everyone else; my landlord said that us four girls were going to be on it. I can't exactly be like, "oh, no I'm not actually, you're a liarface." I can't really imagine that going over too well.

FUCK. That's how I feel right now. I just want everything to be alright again. And I want to talk to Kelly. He's being elusive and I don't like it. Every damn thing that happened today made me think of him, and I've cried for the past two days. I'm sure I'm getting on everyone's nerves, but omfg. I don't like fights, we've never really had one, and it's not setting well with me.

:: 2008 17 July :: 8.03pm

To pJ and Slayer
Okay, I completely understand what ya'll are saying. Yes, it would be more intelligent for me to just move there, but I want to finish school. I don't think anyone is getting that fact; I don't want to quit. I don't like it, and I'll bitch about it, but I want to finish. It's only one more year, and yeah, that's one more year, but I want to finish.
Also, about the money/job thing, there is no way in hell I would let you guys pay shit for me when I move up there. I'm still moving up there, don't doubt that, though I understand that you'd have reason to doubt because I've been rather retarded in my decision making lately, but there isn't any doubt in my mind as to where I belong, so you guys shouldn't worry either.
Also, I'm living right in town, there are seven other people here, and it's going to cost me next to NOTHING to live here. I'm not going to use a bunch of gas because everything and everywhere I would go is right down the street. Therefore, I'll be able to save money and shouldn't need any help when I get there. I don't want help, I don't like help. End of discussion.

I get the questions, and actually expected them sooner than they came. I can not continue living with my parents, for reasons I'd rather not really get into. Things just aren't good there, and that's where I'll leave it. I had to get out of there, and this worked out really fucking well because there's so many people here so it's going to be really cheap.

:: 2008 16 July :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Rising Down - The Roots

Clean, clean, paint, clean, stain, varnish, clean some more. Sleep a few hours, and get back at it.
That's what my life consists of atm. It's fun though. I can't wait to get moved in here.
...However, there's like a million people that I'm not very comfortable around and I have a feeling they're always going to be over here and it makes me feel weird.
Plus, people don't put the toilet seat down when they flush and it grosses me out. Urine and feces shoots out all over if you don't shut the lid!! Geeze, people need to learn to not be sick.

Um... I was excited that my room was this really dark red/maroon color, but it doesn't match these amazing orange curtains that I have, so I'm going to repaint it.
Actually, I FAIL at painting, so mom's going to.

That's about all... I can't wait to LIVE here. And have internet that I'm not stealing >.> heh
I miss my man =(

:: 2008 13 July :: 2.22pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Not My Time - 3 Doors Down

Stuffs
We are for sure getting the house. I'm so excited. No one can even fathom the excitement that I have atm.
We have to be moved in by the first, so that gives us like... 18 days? Something like that. This week I think I'll be rather nonexistant. We're going to start cleaning up the house, bleaching everything, mopping, scrubbing... fun stuff. I enjoy doing that stuff. Then we're going to clean up the yard. It's got a pretty decent sized back yard... not that I really care. I'm so not an outdoor-sy person. I hope I don't get stuck mowing too often. I'm not really good at it; I get bored and like day dream and end up doing a shitty job.

Hmm... Johanna is moving. She's like one of my closest friends, though we don't hang out too often anymore, unfortunately. She and her boyfriend, Matt, are moving into a house in Arkansas, to attend U of A. They're leaving on the first, as well. I'm rather depressed about this. Yeah, I could drive down and see her in like one day, but the likelihood of that happening isn't very good. I'm going to be so fucking busy, and gas... yeah. We all know about gas, so I'll leave it at that.

Anyway, I'm probably going to be working on weekends here pretty soon, which is kind of okay, because I hate my stupid sunday school teacher. She's a dumb bitch -_-

:: 2008 10 July :: 7.39pm

Fail.
Today is a pos.
I was picking up the living room, as Taylor sat in front of the television putting away some of the movies that always seem to accumulate on top of the entertainment center, thanks to Trevor. Well, I bent to pick something up behind her, just as she turned to grab another movie, and she elbowed me perfectly, right in the left temple. I passed out, too, which was pretty cool. Ever since then my head has been pounding, my vision is blurry on that side, and my neck hurts from... well I don't know. Maybe from when I fell after passing out? I might have like... idk. Something made it hurt.
Mom and Dad agreed that if my vision doesn't clear up by nine we're going to the hospital to figure shit out. I think I'm fine, just a little rattled.
I answered the phone earlier, and it was for dad so I took it outside to him. Apparently I missed a shingle, and I stepped on a nail. It didn't go all the way in, just enough to make me feel as though I were dying.
If we do go to the hospital, I might inquire about a tetnus shot. Gangreen is so not on the list of things I want.

I got my bill for the fall semester today, and they had me in two classes that I hadn't signed up for, making my billa lot higher than it should have been. I called the office and cleared it up, but the chick was hateful about it, as though it were my fault. I was just hateful back, so whatever. It's taken care of now.

Anyway, MSN is being a hag, so I've really nothing to do. I'm probably going to go take a bubble bath and attempt to relax. Today has been full of fail.

:: 2008 9 July :: 7.51pm
:: Mood: tired

el. oh. el.
I was singing Even Flow earlier, and just a few minutes ago Taylor was like, "eeeven flooow, I don't even know this fucking soong." I laughed forever. It was perfect.

Anyway... We just got our power back on. I don't know why it went away, but it was off for a few hours. Everyone around us lost it too. I was just kind of hanging out with Taylor, then we got really bored, so we decided to go see if there was any mail, or if dad had gotten it. When I opened the mailbox, though, there were a million ants, so we went and got bug spray and killed them. Then we walked all over looking for more and killed them too. I hate ants with a passion. And they freak me out.

Um... I think we're almost kind of done with the roof. My fingers are like fucking raw from taking the nails out of the old shingles, because mom doesn't want to haul them off. She's layering them around the pool, and then she's going to pour gravel on top of them so that there isn't any grass near the pool. I approve of the idea, I just don't like fucking pulling nails out of them. I stabbed my toe yesterday, and my entire foot was sore this morning when I woke up.
It was cool though, cause mom and dad went to Wheaton, and brought me back biscuits and gravey with some bacon. Dad woke me up and gave it to me, along with a cup of coffee. It had been forever since I was given breakfast in bed and it was awesome.
<3 mah fasha.

Anyway, Tessi might break up with Travis, and I just know she's going to want to move in with us when we get the house (which should be pretty soon, probably the end of July/beginning of August). I could not and will not live with her. I'll like... die.

:: 2008 6 July :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Wasting My Time - Default

I is baaack. I am so stinkin sunburnt, too. It hurts =(
It was kind of a shitty trip. It rained a lot, everyones tents leaked. Then Trevor got sick.
All that was alright, though, like it didn't bother me too much. However the third day, we were all down at the rock everyone jumps off of, it's what the place is named after, and the water is really fucking deep, thanks to the tons of rain lately, and so this guy jumped off of another rock close by, head first. He never came back up, so they called the police and they drug the waters for like 45 minutes before they found his body. I wish that I had just left, but I was like holding one of the little kids that was like... part of his family or some shit, idk who it was, so I couldn't really. I saw him, too. His face was all busted up, I guess where he hit something in the water. His body had gotten caught up in some trees on the bottom and the current and pushed or pulled or something and he was all just... nasty. I don't know. It was really scary, and I keep having horrible dreams of it being like people I know, especially my dad. Luckily I made Taylor and Trevor, and all my cousins go back to the camp site or they would have seen it too. It was just really fucked up.
Idk, I've been to a lot of open casket funerals or visitations or whatever, so it's not like that was the first time I've ever seen a dead body, but like... stuff.
/shrugs.
I'm sure I'll get over it sooner or later.

Anyway, I'm so fucking happy to be back. I'm like dying to talk to Kell, but currently he's set to away. I have to babysit for Grandma tomorrow, so I'm staying the night over here, and Ashley's laptop is quickly dying. You can't plug it up and let it charge, either, until everyone's asleep cause it fucks up the tv and makes it all static-like, and then grandma bitches. So... looks like no Kelly tonight, and he'll be at work tomorrow, so maybe tomorrow night when I get home I can talk to him.

Oh, and we're totally getting the house in Cassville. I'm so fucking excited that I'll finally be out of the house. And we're going to get high speed internet, and I'll have service for my phone... zomg. Dreams are coming true in the next month or two. Happy, happy am I.

:: 2008 1 July :: 10.12am
:: Mood: dorky

Oh geeeeze. Guess who's forced to go camping?
Oh! *raises hand*
Me..... Joyous. Five whole days without Kelly = sad times.

So, last night I decided I was upset that I had ever taken my nose ring out, so I shoved it back in. It hurt so fucking bad. It still hurts so fucking bad. However, it will get better and I'll still have it. Makes me happy.
I didn't quite think about this, but Sunday I kind of got into it with my Sunday School teacher (who is a dumb bitch) about piercings and shit, and she was all like "Oooh God says don't mark your body in any way blah blah" and I was like "yeah, I don't think it matters. He says not to eat shrimp and people do. He says not to gamble and people do. I think a little earring isn't going to piss him off too badly." And she was all like huffy and shit with me, and then I go and get my nose ring back... Kind of looks like I was doing such things to spite her, but I really wasn't. I didn't think of that until this morning.
Oh well though, she's an asshat and can blow me.

:: 2008 29 June :: 3.27pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Unreachable - Ashlee Simpson

Mert.
So we pretty much have a repeat preformance of yesterday, I guess.
I think there will be plenty plenty of those. In some weird way I think it's her way of making me want to stay home. We don't necessarily like each other, but like, she still wants me to stay here... Yeah, I know, it makes no sense. But when I was going to go to Michigan for school, she got extremely hateful; now that I'm getting ready to move out, she's doing the same. She got pretty hostile with Ashley when she moved out too, now that I think about it.
/shrug
The woman is fucked up. No denying it.

Anyway, I'm going to apply for a job at Ark of the Ozarks. It's a facility that houses handicapped people, be it physical or mental. My grandma Harrison was a foster parent ever since my mom was like 10, and she just quit a few years ago, and she usually had handicapped people, so I've been around it my entire life. I am therefore rather confident that I'll be taken seriously. I have a lot more experiance than two of my friends that work there, so... fingers crossed I guess.
I can't apply yet, though. Well, I could, but they require you to have a CDL license. So, I'm going to study for that, take the test, and then apply and hopefully impress them with the fact that I already have that. Yeah, I'm kind of being a brown noser, but hell if I care. If it'll get me a job, it's well worth it imo.
The only downfall is that it's in Monett and that's about 30-40 minutes away = ugh. I may just stick with working third shift at Wal-Mart. I've already thought all that through, it'll allow me to make all my classes without changing my schedual, and if/when we move to Cassville, it'll be like less than five minutes away from the house.
I don't know yet, though.

:: 2008 28 June :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Utopia - Alanis Morissette

Blah.
So, today was a fucking pile of shit.
Mom made me feel so fucking small, and... fuck if I deserved it. I want to just scream and yell and swear up and down that I hate her, but for the life of me, I can't hate her. Oh, I can say it fairly convinsingly, I'm sure, but I never mean it. I want to hate her so bad, but at the end of it all, she's my mom, ya know? It's like some horrible joke being played; I simply cannot hate her. I love her. She's malicious, and rude, and will stop at nothing to make sure that she has thoroughly ruined your day. She'll say one thing and then do something completely different. She makes it her goal to publicly humiate you as much as possible, she's sarcastic and she does shit just to set you off so that you get in this huge fight, and then she threatens to kick you out and take away, for me, the computer, shut off the internet, not let me drive.... and despite every single fucking thing, I love her.
I feel like an idiot because I love her so much. I fucking defend her all the time because my dad's side of the family is always ragging on her and saying shit, and I fucking defend her. I want to tell her that, but I never can. I'm sure it would start even more problems with her and dad. I wish that they would just get a fucking divorce already.
Everyone's like, "oh you're so lucky your parents are still together, that's so amazing."
The fuck it is. It'll be amazing when I can go one day without my mom calling my dad an asshole and dad punching the shit out of something. One day where they come home and are pleased to see each other and kiss and hug rather than scream.

Anyway, enough of that. Good news: Dad got the job he applied for. It's the carpentry teacher for the Vo-Tec program at Monett school. He's horribly excited and it's awesomely cute. However, when he was working with his construction crew, the company put out for gas, he never had to pay for it, and now... he's kind of on his own there. And it's going to suck up a lot driving to Monett and back each day. Mom and dad are kind of flirting with the idea of moving, but they don't really want to, so who knows how that will turn out.
Doesn't matter, I'm getting out of here anyway. We found a house to rent in Cassville and so as soon as August gets here, we're moving in. It'll be me, Ash, Lacey, and Samantha. There's another room, but we don't really know anyone who want's to move, or at least I don't. Plus, they would so get the short end of the stick, because it's a tiny ass room, and is more suited as a storage room, or a guest bedroom.
I'm pretty sure that Taylor and Trev will be staying over a lot, as well as Brooklyn and Gus. And Sam has two cousins that are basically siblings. So, a lot of people will be able to put it to use, so we're not too concerned, though it would be nice to split the rent and expenses five ways instead of four, but whatever.
And as soon as school is done with, baby, here I come. No more long distance shit. It's doing okay, we're fine and everything, but fuuuuck I want to be held =(

:: 2008 24 June :: 12.59am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: That's What You Get - Paramore

I was all sad and cry-ish in my bed today and then mom got home and killed me for being a bum and made me get ready and she took me shopping to make me happy. It really shocked me; she's an asshole and this is the first non-asshole thing that she's done in a really fucking long time. I actually had fun too, we just walked around the mall talking and stuff. And she bought me three new bras and a pair of adorable heels. Then we bought some hair dye.
And no, Kelly, it's not the purple color. It's pretty much my natural hair color with a bit more red in it. I haven't done it yet, because we got back late and she went to sleep, but I'm excited.
My dad just gave me a, "are you kidding me with this?" look when we got home because the two times I've ever dyed my hair, it had horrific results. First time we attempted highlights. We ended up with orange streaks all over. Second time, my hair was this like neon red, then purple, and it ended up this strange, awkward maroon color.
= Sad times.
Hopefully this one turns out as it should =)

:: 2008 22 June :: 9.29pm
:: Mood: discontent

Jacob moved to Kentucky with our friend Tylor. They tried to get me to come along, but... yeah, I didn't do that obv.
Anyway, long story short, my best friend in the entire world moved away and I just want to bawl my eyes out. It wasn't like set in stone that he was leaving with Ty, and he always says he's going to do all this shit and never does it, so our goodbye was kind of half assed.

Ugh, I just... don't want to be alone? Yeah.

I want monies to move to MI.
/sigh

:: 2008 20 June :: 5.22pm

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I could taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms

:: 2008 19 June :: 2.28pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

zomg /returns
Week and a half and one new hard drive later... Hai again.

Absolutely nothing of interest has taken place in my absense, save for Tuesday night when I went to Heather's bachelorette party. I enter the door (which has penises all over it) and get two smirnoffs shoved into my hand. They want to see me chug them, because Heather doesn't believe I have mad skills. Naturally I prove her wrong =)
The night carries on in about the same manner, and by one I'm completely drunk and there's a video of me fellating this paper penis. I don't know how I pulled through with nary a paper cut on me, but luckily I did.
I then, for some reason, am compelled to leave. This was pretty spectacularly timed because Jacob and Juan were driving around and they were both texting me saying I should leave the party and go hang out with them. So, I did and amused them with my drunk person talk.

Theeeen yesterday evening I got my computer and ran over to Renkoski's house and stole his internets to dl shit and steal his music so that it wouldn't take me 80 years. However, when I got home, I deleted the music accidentally. 7 fucking gigs. Gone. I'm so damn pissed about this but wtf ever.

Uh... mom and dad left yesterday afternoon for Oklahoma to have a little ... sex time I guess, idk. Anyway, they're gone until sometime Saturday. Taylor left this morning to go with her friend Kenslee to a Taylor Swift concert and she won't be back until Saturday either. So, it's just me and bub.... which makes me sad because all he wants to do is have me be quiet so he can watch cartoons.
At least I has my computer now!

The only poopy thing is that my wisdom teeth are STILL coming in and it hurts like no other =(

:: 2008 11 June :: 2.05pm
:: Mood: disappointed

Blah.
So, my parents aren't really caring that the computer is screwed up. "We don't get on it... that's your thing, so you fix it," but I don't have a million dollars to take it in and get it fixed... if it's even fixable. Sometimes it will turn on, other times it's just like "oh, hey, I'm a bitch."
I'm sure they wouldn't be so... uncaring about the whole thing, but we just spent $3,000 to reshingle the house, plus when Trevor had to stay in the hospital, it racked up an almost $8,000 bill, and mom's new insurance thing made our deductible $6,000. So since March we've had to pay $9,000+ when we didn't really plan on it, on top of regular bills and shit. In other words, money's rather tight now, so it was like the worst timing for the computer fuck up.

Ugh, I'm on Ashley's computer and for some retarded reason I can't like... okay, she doesn't have Google Chat, obviously, there's not a need for it. So I just signed in and was on the gmail page and Kelly said something and it wouldn't like show what he said or let me talk back so idk what just happened. I just closed out because it annoyed me.
It feels like I haven't talked to Kelly in ages and it's really starting to get to me. I was excited about talking to him today, but google won't even let me do shit. I am so going to like slit some throats if things don't start going my way; this shit's getting ridiculous.

Anyway, I've been listening to "Thank You" by Dido a lot and I like it but it makes me really sad.

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Now that I've eaten up all the space on everyone's Friend page... Much love to everyone, I miss people... especiall my person =(

:: 2008 8 June :: 12.32am

O.O;;
http://img.moonbuggy.org.nyud.net:8080/i-had-a-mishap-this-morning/

:: 2008 6 June :: 11.41am
:: Mood: morose

So computer problems are taking up my life now. Kell told me how to do things to possibly fix it, but like... I'm not too awesome with computers so I think I'll just take it to the computer shop and let them do things. They've not killed it yet and we've been going there forever so that's saying something. But yeah, like... ugh. I want a new computer but mom probably won't agree that we need a new one which could be a problem. At least it'll be a problem until I punch her in the uterus and she changes her mind. Ha.

Anyway, hopefully my baby can sustain the weekend cause I can't get her in until Monday.
*crosses fingers*

:: 2008 5 June :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Creep - Radiohead

Porcupines
Mom's been a huge dick lately. She's so damn psychotic, it's frustrating and annoying.

Dad was offered a job at Monett school as a Votec teacher for construction. It's the fourth time he's been offered and this time he said alright. He had an interview with the bigshots yesterday, now he's got to get his application and resume filled out then have another interview with some other people and then he'll find out. If he gets it he'll have to leave June 30th for a week long seminar in St. Louis. He's excited and it's cute. I really hope he gets it for his sake. Plus it'll be a huge pay raise so, yeah, that's always awsome.

I have fuzz on my necklace and it won't come off. it just scoots along the chain. It's slightly amusing that fuzz is kicking my ass. It's equally annoying; I want it gone.

Um... I'm starting to get quite the tan. I fell asleep on the deck and no one saved me, so my back got burnt, but it's quickly fading into a tan. It's weird to see dark legs instead of translucent ones. It's a good weird though; Ashley's not making fun of me anymore.

Anyway, Kell's got a match tonight and so I've got an hour to waste so I do believe I'll go steal the remote from Taylor.

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