oceanchild
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2008 23 February :: 11.15pm
So, life. What's to say? Sometimes it's brilliant. Other times, more often, it's less brilliant. I'm trying to live for the moments when the former is the case.
I found Dria's new blog yesterday after stumbling across some pictures of her and getting caught in a fit of nostalgia and self-destructive, self-proclaimedly stupid curiosity. I shouldn't have gone looking and I regretted it. The situation is pretty much unrectifiable, and thinking about it only makes me crazy.
I move out of Schlachtensee this coming Saturday and I still haven't found a new place to live yet. David and I have made steps on finding several places but none of the prospects are even looking likely at this point. May end up homeless for a while, but not roofless, which is the real thing to worry about. If that happens I'll be storing my unessential things my exchange program director's office and living either in a hostel or with Nathan in Göttingen until we find a place.
Berlin has a forest in it, the Grunewald, and a few days ago when Nathan was here we went for a walk there. I had to leave early that morning to go to the university so I left Nathan sleeping. On my way home I bought some food for a picnic, packed it up as a surprise, and then suggested we go for a hike. We ended up eating in a wooden tower we found in the woods with a bench and some open slats in the walls. We hypothesize that it's used for hunting.
We also saw some wild pigs, heavily furry, a brown adult with several black and white spotted babies, which were startled from their hang-out near the trail by our approach. To tell you the truth it scared me nigh shitless. I've heard horror stories about wild pigs. Nathan was rattled as well. He picked up a big rock "just in case" and didn't drop it again until the pigs were far out of sight.
I'm feeling pretty directionless of late. I just don't know if the things I'm doing are the right things, or if the goals I'm working toward are what I actually want. I suppose one's never really sure of these things. It's interesting, though, that when I imagine what (all concerns of reality aside) I'd really like to do for a career, the things I think of are all things I've been doing since I was...well, since before I can remember. I'd like to be a concert musician with an orchestra, for instance. Or a Grand Prix show jumper, or a member of the Olympic equestrian team. Flying planes is euphoric but it's hard and it's alien even after all the time dedicated to it these past three years. It's still something that I don't think I really believe will ever happen. It's just not something that someone like me does. It takes precision and confidence and a kind of intelligence that I can't command. If I force myself to do this, if becoming a commercial pilot is actually something that I force, will it ever pan out? Maybe it requires more dedication than I have. I don't know. I always start to doubt my love for flying once I've been out of a cockpit for a while, though, and at this point it's been nearly six months.
In conclusion, and switching gears completely, a mantra has been running through my head today. "There is no nobility in sadness. There is only an occasional sadness in nobility." I think I would do well to remember this.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 21 February :: 6.40pm
Longest day EVER.
Almost every school in Missouri was canceled today and the weather was like completely fine. It was below freezing, and it rained all day, but yet the roads weren't that bad at all, so there really wasn't any sense in canceling everything.
So, I spent all day with Dad, Taylor, and Trevor. It started out fine, but then we all just got sick of each other and everyone warped into assholes. Therefore I confined myself to my room to do homework, read, watch movies, and play guitar hero 3. When I get on the computer, my keyboard is broken. I'm still not sure on what happened, but one of the little incline things on the bottom was broken off, and like everything on the right side didn't work. I kind of gathered that Taylor and Trevor were fighting and the keyboard was used as a weapon. We have like 4 keyboards, but that was my favorite one so I'm pissed, but whatever, there's nothing I can do. I want to do something extreme and like horde all the keyboards, along with this one, in my room so they can't be dumbasses and break anything again, but that's like completely immature and I don't exactly want to stoop to that level, but seriously... wtf.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 20 February :: 6.11pm
:: Music: Earthquake Weather - Beck
There's like 2 weeks before I leave for Michigan and that's like weird. It seems like it should be a lot longer time period than that, not that I want to wait a lot longer, but my 'to do list' just kind of keeps growing. I have like four big projects for school to do and like no time to do them, but I have no choice.
Anyway, time for class. Joy...
<3
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butterfly
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2008 17 February :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Taste of Ink - The Used
Went shopping with Ashley today -and spent far more than I needed too- I got four shirts, some sleep pants, some underwear, and a book I needed for my Literature class. We ate at Applebees and ... ugh. I didn't like what I got so that sucked, but Ashley let me eat her mashed potatos, and I absolutely love them so I was kind of happy. Other than that I've had like the best day ever. Mom didn't even harp on me about spending money and questioning how much I spent so that made it even better.
<3
<3
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butterfly
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2008 14 February :: 8.53pm
http://www.cracked.com/article_15853_6-cutest-animals-that-can-still-destroy-you.html
/dies laughing
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<3
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butterfly
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2008 14 February :: 3.24pm
liek happy valentines day n stuff...
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<3
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butterfly
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2008 12 February :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: lonely
I've been house sitting this past weekend, and will continue to do so until Friday night. I'm enjoying the time away from the house. The downfall is that they only have one phone line, so I can't really get online because I don't want to miss a call from the home owners in case something happened, as it did last time I sat for them, so I rarely ever talk to Kelly. I think I've talked to him once in the last four days, and then I got disconnected and I couldn't get back online.
On top of that we have gotten another ice storm. It isn't as astronomical as the previous ones, but it seems worse since I'm all alone. Plus I have to go outside in the freezing rain or snow and feed and water cattle, dogs, and cats. As enthralling as that sounds... not so much.
I was hoping that school would consider it bad enough to cancel class, and because of this I didn't really study for my test tonight.... Ha. I got screwed over, because it is in fact NOT canceled. gg me. My English class was canceled, however, but surely not because of the weather.
Anyway, here I am not studying mere hours before my test. I've gotten so bad about this stuff. In high school I always had my work done beforehand, knew all the material for my tests... Now I hate my teachers, I hate (most of) my classmates, and I hate school so I simply don't do things because it makes me mad. This doesn't affect anyone but me, so I don't know why I do this. It's not as though I can fail to do my things and then be like, "Ha, that'll show you," because no, it doesn't "show" them, I simply will fail. End of story.
I miss Kelly. I love talking to him, even when we don't talk. If we're both busy doing our own thing and only say a few things ever so often, I'm fine with it. I just like knowing that he's there for me to ramble on about anything and everything as it happens. God I love him.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 10 February :: 9.07am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Tattoo - Jordan Sparks
Insomnia seems to have quite the grip on me lately and I am thoroughly exhasted.
I have a huge Biology test Tuesday that I need to study for, and finish some assignments.
Homework can wait though, because I have shopping to do after church.
sweetness.
-I think "Tattoo" is a retarded song... but I can't help but love it. Don't worry, I'm very confused by this as well.
+Edit+ I found the most fucking amazing purse thing at PacSun, seriously. It's not a purse though, really, it's more like a carry-on... but I enjoy it so it shall be my very large, super sized purse. It's got gray straps and detailing, and then little white and baby pink Roxy signs all over it. <3x20
<3
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butterfly
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2008 6 February :: 9.45am
:: Mood: drained
I've bought the tickets, now I just need the 7th to get here.
I had a horrible dream last night though, I was on my way to the airport, and for some reason my entire family accompanied me, and then I had to take a trolly to get to the check in desk and get all my tickets and whatever, and then I realized that I didn't have my phone charger, and I panicked a little bit, but then Mom said she would just send it to Kelly's, and so I was alright. Then everyone but Dad was gone and we were walking around (I haven't decided what happened to the trolly) and the airport turned into this carnival like place, but it was Missouri State University, but it was also still the airport because we were looking for the check in desk, and then I was like "omg I forgot to get my luggage" so I didn't have any clothes or my charger and then I forgot my license, but I still had my school ID, and I finally got to the check in desk, but only after we had to run through this wooded area... it was retarded, but it was like scary and I woke up with my heart like pounding and in the dream I was crying non stop.
All my previous trips up there have killed me on the way up or back, the bus... fuck, between the man in scrubs with a bandaged head and an erection, and the biker/cowboy with a pint and ashtray breath, and the man with the stained, cat urine pillow... well yeah, I'm done with that, and the other one like all of my flights were delayed, and the flight from Kansas City back to Joplin on the way home was delayed for 6 hours. It is damn near time I have a nice trip I would think. I will so slay someone if this one makes me die too.
*acts intimidating*
School/homework is taking over my life.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 29 January :: 10.23pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Sorry - Buckcherry
Random shit
I took my watch off and put it down, and it's in a position that makes me think of a frog and it amused me.
Anyway, yesterday was my dad's 45th birthday, and today was Brooklyn's 4th birthday, so I've had more than my share of cake. I don't really like icecream, so I opted not to have it. I like Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, and things with almonds.
...
So, I lost my planner and I'm kind of freaking out. I have my life written in that thing and it's very vital to my existance.
I decided tonight in Biology that it's going to be the death of me. It's not really that hard, but I'm just bored with it and there's so much shit going on at all points in time that I just space out and stop caring. We have notes and worksheets and labs and discussions like all at once and it just like consumes you and you start freaking out trying to get everything done and there's no possible way for you to get it all done in one night. Then if you have a question, there's honestly no hope in getting attention because there's too many people in the class and too many things going on so ... fuck. It's just crazy and so I just don't care. I wanted to keep my 4.0 but it's just looking impossible and it's only the third week.
Also, my bottom right wisdom tooth is coming in and holy fuck. Ouch.
On the bright side of my hectic life, just a little over a month before I get to see Kell again. I'm excited. I'm going up there again, so ... yeah. I can't wait.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 25 January :: 10.28pm
The Raven: Remodified
"once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404."
HILARIOUS.
/giggles
<3
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butterfly
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2008 25 January :: 3.17pm
:: Mood: blah
I'm going to go buy something small and furry. Maybe a hampster or a gerbil. I thought about getting another rat, I know it's completely weird, but I like them because they're just completely awesome. idk though, I'll have to see how cute everything is and go on that.
I'm excited though, for a change. I've been kind of depressed lately.
Kelly was talking about going out with pJ and whomever else tonight I think, but I never got the end result on that thought, so I don't know what he's doing.
Anyway, yeah, cute and furry things here I come.
+Edit+
Furry things postponed until tomorrow :(
<3
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butterfly
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2008 21 January :: 1.34am
This song makes me happy in an extremely sad way.
Lullaby - The Spill Canvas
It's the way that you blush when you're nervous.
It's your ability to make me earn this.
I know that you're tired, just let me sing you to sleep.
It's about how you laugh out of pity,
'Cause lets be honest I'm not really that funny.
I know that you're shy, just let me sing you to sleep.
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.
It's those pills that you don't need to take,
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.
I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.
It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it.
It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded.
I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.
While you were sleeping I figured out everything,
I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.
Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.
You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.
(Oh)
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything. (I really do)
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 20 January :: 7.38pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
I wish Kelly was on, I miss him.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 16 January :: 3.31pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Terrible Lie - Nine Inch Nails
Jacob is officially gone. He left for Mizzu at like 8:00 this morning, which makes me a little sad, but it's okay. My first classes were like... ugh. That's the only way to describe them. I don't think I like my English teacher, she was gross and stupid and all the assignments are retarded.
Biology is fine, but we took eight pages of notes in the first hour, did three worksheets, and a discussion. It was crazy, but I like it anyway.... except for the stupid vagina juices that are in there. Seriously, the class consists of almost nothing but old people, and they're all psychotic and stupid and the younger people are quiet. They also kept making fun of the professor, but he's totally cool so they're just retarded yet again. I want them to all fall and break their hips and gtfo of my class.
So... yeah. I miss Kelly. Honestly we like never get to talk because I'm a stupid whore and go places. Now that Jacob's gone my life should go back to normal, though I'll have homework.
Ha, I'll have him help me though. He's smart.
Oh, fuck okay I got a 2gig flash drive and Jacob has a shit load of music so I went and stole it. Well it got to like 1.13gig's and then said it was full, and we tried to do whatever but nothing worked. So, I get home and attempt to stick the shit on my wmp and it recognizes the files, but says ... something something. idk. I'm too annoyed to mess with it any further, but Thursday night this shit is going to work for me or I will kill it dead.
+Edit+
I might have possibly removed the songs from the flash drive and into a folder and I might have forgotten that I had done such things. It might work now that I'm not a dumbass anymore.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 14 January :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Relentless - Jason Aldean
My class was canceled tonight because there wasn't enough people who enrolled in the class, so that kind of screwed me.
Tuesday
-English
-Biology
Wednesday
-Personal Finance
-Intro to Literature
Thursday
-Biology
It's not too bad I don't think, though the Personal Finance class will bore the shit out of me. However, I need it for my degree so there isn't much that I can do about it.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 14 January :: 1.13pm
Happy birthday to Kelly!
I wish I was there to properly celebrate this with him.
/sigh
To Kelly:
Sorry I called you "bitch face" on your birthday :(
I love you.
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<3
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butterfly
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2008 13 January :: 5.56pm
:: Mood: ditzy
:: Music: Don't Tread On Me - 311
Mom made a cheeseball, which she's like famous for because it's delicious and I'm eating it right now, while singing Spice Girls to Kelly and talking to pJ. Life is good and pJ is a squirrel.
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<3
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butterfly
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2008 11 January :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: Ashley Screaming. hah
I am in like a really good mood for whatever reason. Maybe because I've slept a lot these past few days and I'm all caught up and ungrumpy now. It's nice.
I start school Monday! I'm nervous. I haven't had any of the teacher's that I have this semester, and Ash said I had a lot of tough ones. Joy.
I'm excited though too. For once I feel like I'm doing the right thing, like I've got my head on straight and everything's going to work out.
I do wish that Kelly and I were together like every second of the day, but we're okay I think. At least I'm okay, sad and missing him, but okay. He seems okay.... I think he's okay. Ha.... freaked myself out.
<3
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butterfly
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2008 9 January :: 6.14pm
The storm a couple days ago really really fucked up our road. We have two bridges out, like completely gone, and then a huge ass tree hit the edge of the asphalt and caused it to buckle, which allowed water from the creeks to go under it and so we have a huge section of road that has to be torn up because there's just huge pits in it.
It was totally the most awesome storm I've ever watched though. I sat outside for a couple hours watching the lightning, but then it started raining so I went in.
That's really the only thing that's happened.
Kelly's birthday is Monday, which is the same day that I start school so... yeah.
Also, I'm officially broke. I have like $30. It's totally lame.
I applied at Lowe's and Wal-Mart, and a couple places, so that should be getting fixed though. Not that I'll be making amazing money, that's impossible atm, but it'll be cash. Plus I'm expecting quite a bit of money back from school so... yeah. That's that.
Jacob goes back next Wednesday on the 16th, so that's going to be a little depressing. I won't see him again until possibly March, but that's all depending on what happens with Kelly and Ashley and the road trip. Really don't know.
I think I like broke my fucking hand in my sleep. Not really, obviously, but the fingers on my right hand are really sore, almost like I pulled every fucking muscle in them. idk what's up with that, but it makes typing a little painful.
Anyway, that's my life.
Oh, and Taylor ruins almost all of my nights. She's a constant noise maker and I hate it. I imagine bad things happening to her though, and that helps a bit.
<3
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