Had a rough couple of days.
They were more or less just extremely emotional and frustrating.
Had a hard time dealing with the 5 year anniversary of my grandma's death, and then this being the first christmas without my other grandma.
Argued 2 days in a row, with probably the most ignorant person in Ionia County.
I have felt a lot of unnecessary stress this week.
I think I am finally getting over it.
Thought I would have more Christmas spirit than I ended up with, but I guess shit happens.
Better luck next year.
Jade is my color.
I try to not look at times past. I try so hard. I hate myself when I do think of them.
I try to live by the moment. For the now.
I forgive. I forget....too much.
I am flawed. I am broken. I am human.
To those who fell away. May my deeds be forgiven.
To those who are around, thank you.
For those who would give up on me. So be it, your choice. I cannot stop you.
::
2009 21 December :: 2.18pm
:: Mood: kinda stressed
My birthday weekend.
both gigs went well this weekend. friday was definitely more fun for me. saturday didn't really pan out at all how i hoped, but i still got a couple drinks from people, which was nice. the mix didn't sound very good for the first set or two on saturday because the bartender kept coming up to me and barking orders at me. seriously, the second time he came up to me and asked me to "turn it down... mostly the drums" and i kindly explained to him that i had no control over the loudness of the drums, and that if he wanted things quieter (as i had already acquiesced to his prior request) he would have to go ask the drummer to play more softly. as it turned out, i just told the drummer i was going to mix around him from then on... since the mix sucked because i brought the mains down... and that he would be the benchmark for whatever volume we wind up at. i also mentioned that we had a request to "turn it down," but that i wasn't his boss, so i wouldn't tell him what to do. he did play a little softer, which was actually nice for him, since it wasn't so much of a workout that way.
ultimately, though, people are dumb. especially people in charge of bars. you cram an acoustic drum set into an alcove with a big glass window and a tile floor and expect it to NOT be loud? that's just plain stupid.
friday night was fun, though. a total jam. it was so nice to play in front of a crowd, with other musicians. there's just something magical about that combination that makes it so much fun. the bass player had a nice pocket, so it was really easy for me to settle into a groove pretty much right away on every song. the hardest part was taking cues for changes, stops, endings, etc. especially from the guitar player. what a dick. i agreed to give him my vocal mic, so he could run his amp through the PA, and during sound check it was fine, but he kept turning his amp up throughout the show, so that by the end of the night it was waaaay too loud. and he was terrible at giving cues. it was like he expected me to somehow magically just know what he was thinking, and do exactly what he wanted me to. utterly ridiculous. diego's cues were much easier to follow. and my performance on the respective songs showed it. every song that roger led wound up being kind of a trainwreck. and did i mention that it really shouldn't have been, since every single one was the exact same 12-bar blues. i wanted to shoot myself. he did one that was in 6/8. that was kind of exciting. but then he still fucked up the cues, so i had no idea what was going on. diego's got the right idea, though. you start together, you end together, and you jam out in the middle. that's how it works. and you communicate effectively where the changes are TO THE ENTIRE GROUP so that everyone is together. otherwise, you wind up with what roger gave us, which is diddly, and sounds bad. also, there were several songs (most notably rock and roll by led zeppelin) that i had to drastically slow down, because roger was old and couldn't play that fast. i had not practiced at those speeds, which made it feel strange. then, he left early and didn't help tear down, because he had to work in the morning. but in the end, diego paid me extra, so he must've thought i had done a good job, and he said that anytime he needs a drummer, i'll be his go-to guy. so that's cool.
i was supposed to work today, but the truck is no longer road legal, as i have no registration OR insurance for it. so i emailed the office, and explained the situation and that i would not be able to work today. hopefully they got the message and understand.
i was kinda pissed at them anyway, because usually they ask me if i'm available before they schedule me. this time, they scheduled me without asking, saying that someone would call to confirm with me on saturday. i never received a phone call - still haven't. i was never asked if i was available (which i am obviously not, for one reason or another). i don't think i'm in the wrong here. i do feel bad in that i should have told them sooner, but i was holding out on the hope that i'd get enough birthday money, and have enough leftover from the gigs to take care of all those issues. unfortunately, that did not wind up being the case.
and my fucking loan payment is due in a week again. i haven't heard back at all from that deferment request i submitted.
all in all, life is bullshit, but i'm still trying to make the most of it.
so, my birthday's coming up pretty soon here. that's exciting. i keep getting older. funny how that works.
so, if you want to come celebrate my birthday with me, i will be down at flanagan's on saturday, running sound. i'm technically on the clock, so i can't get totally wasted or anything, and i might be preoccupied from time to time, but once the mix is set, there's not a whole lot for me to do, and i can certainly chill with people during set breaks. so, if anyone's around, and that sounds appealing, feel free to stop on by.
we have lots of cookies in our house now. uncle chuck made molasses cookies, and mom gave me a random assortment of other cookies, so we have cookies coming out our ears. and unfortunately, far too many of them are winding up in my mouth. fucking christmas, man. always does this to me. not that i'm really that into watching what i eat, but i try and keep it healthier when i can. and this cookie situation is not helping.
but they are delicious. so i might as well enjoy it.
ummm... went to libby's choir concert last night. that was fun. the choirs weren't bad. i think she got kinda shafted, though, when she was placed in the choir she's currently in. she deserves to be in the next level up. i know she has the voice and the talent for it, but my guess is that her test anxiety kicks in when she has auditions or something. but i could be wrong. another theory i have is that it's because she's only a sophomore, she's a transplant to the school system, and our family doesn't have lots of money. those all probably factor into it as well. which is sad for her, and pisses me off. but that's the way egr works. and i blame mom for trying to make it in a place where they don't really belong. and i thank my stars that i never had to go there.
not that cedar is the end-all be-all or anything. every school has its fair share of shortcomings. but at least i felt comfortable there. felt like i was somebody, and knew people. anywhere else i would have been really intimidated, and would have been one of the faceless masses. not that she has that problem. she has lots of friends no matter where she is. she's just that way.
i need to make some phone calls and write up a cover letter. boooo......
Oh my, hello!
Would you like an update about my life?
Well here you go!
I broke up with Tony.
I'm so good at being in relationships.
We still live together.
It's getting easier to be around each other.
He's been a huge jerk lately.
I haven't been mean or anything.
I simply need to figure out what I want from life.
Maybe.. eventually.. I will find someone to be with.
I know what I want in a relationship now, at least.
I plan to be super picky when I actually try to look.
It will be a while before I start looking.
Well I have other things going on.
They aren't big so I won't tell :P
I haven't updated in awhile..
Don't really have a good reason as to why.
I don't really have anything exciting going on in my life right now, but things are going great.
I am happy and all that.
Trying to get through this semester of school..
Working on trying to get a new job..
I am so sick of all the talk of them firing me.. They won't do it, and it pisses me off.
I wish they'd just get it over with..
pretty stoked about the snowstorm. it's always exciting when severe weather comes along. not liking this rain nonsense they're talking about for tomorrow morning though. that's gonna make everything reeeeeeeeeeeally icy tomorrow night. which is when i have to drive to holland, with drumset in tow, for band practice. hopefully i make it out alive. should probably bring some blankets, munchies, etc. along just in case, though. that'd be the smart move, anyway. and i have to dig up my scraper/brush. it's gotta be around here somewhere.
hope everybody had a stellar day. now it's time to party.
Well I know, I miss more than hit
With a face that was launched to sink
An' I seldom feel, the bright relief
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
If there's one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Fallin' down to you sweet ground
Where the flowers they bloom
It's there I'll be found
Hurry back to me, my wild Colleen
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Though these wounds have seen no wars
Except for the scars I have ignored
And this endless crutch, well it's never enough
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Hell says hello, well it's time to I should go
To pastures green, that I've yet to see
Hurry back to me, my wild Colleen
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
EDIT: Correction. I suffer from insomnia. Included in my package deal is anxiety and obsessive compulsive tendencies. This results in rumination. The end result of which is a mild and random psychosis.
Agoraphobia
Social anxiety disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
