valoth
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2008 31 October :: 12.54pm
Words too late to say: Uso demo i i no ni "i kanai de" mo ienai yo.
In other news, today is Friday. Fallout 3 rocks. Im pissed it has SecuROM and will end up as a $50 coaster someday, but the game is great.
Ive played all of like 4hrs into the game and thus far Ive blown up an entire town and let loose feral ghouls all over a hotel full of snobby 1950's elitist jerks. Oh but fear not! I killed the ghouls after I let them have fun.
Next step is to go looking for the previous Fallout's vaults. Dont know if Ill make it, but Ill try!
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spud
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2008 29 October :: 1.26am
:: Mood: contemplative
recollections
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i feel like i've lost a lot of my pizzazz. (or maybe you spell it pissass. depending on how many laxatives i took that day.) you know? i feel like i used to have more vitality, more everything. not that i was a driven, self-motivated type of person. not that i was spastic or rambunctious. i just feel like i had an undercurrent of motion that just isn't there anymore.
nowadays i let the simplest things prevent me from getting anything done, and i really don't feel the need to try and innovate, or make new things happen. i'm content to attempt, and fail, to merely recreate those which have come before. nothing outstanding. nothing superb. i just settle for okay.
but that really doesn't seem right. i don't want just an okay life. i don't want just okay friends. okay coworkers. okay family. that's not how it works for me. i feel like everything about my life up to this point has been outrageous. and now it's just mellowing out. i guess it's my job to keep it outrageous. but i have a lot of fucking jobs right now, which i guess is what's bogging me down. so, adding the job of unbogging myself to the pile doesn't really work. it'll just exacerbate the problem.
so, i just need to get a few things out of the way, one at a time, so that i have a bit more freedom to have some of that guilt-free, sporadic, funtime. where my energy is put to its most effectively pragmatic use. because clearly i don't get shit done when it comes to actual work. but give me something fun to do, and i'll forget to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, i'm so diligent.
and faking myself out to think that the "work" stuff is actually "fun" stuff doesn't cut it. believe me, i've tried. although, i have discovered that some of the "fun" stuff is actually "work". but since it falls under "fun" in my classifications, i can still do that, at least.
i guess we'll make it happen eventually. and until then, i'll just have to tough it out. but i want to be fun and exciting again. none of this boring, grumpy, old man nonsense. that suits me at times. but i don't think this should be one of those times.
i'll get there, and i'll enjoy it. but i'm not there yet. and there's no sense in rushing it.
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valoth
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2008 28 October :: 10.34am
[Insert long winded post about emtional pangs here]
[Insert foot in mouth to stop from saying the above]
[Insert repression of sorrow & near-depression-like symptoms]
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tuwang
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2008 27 October :: 2.33pm
So, as with most updates as of late, I will preface my story with "interesting weekend".
this one I might actually describe though...
So Friday night was the Halloween party, which I feel like I'm continuously misspelling for some reason or another. A lot of fun, I got all good and sauced up for that because I had announcing to do. It helped with making everyone laugh, but did not help with pronouncing japanese names with horrible handwriting. To be crude, it looks like chicken scratch to me as is, but when someone writes like a 2 year old it makes it even more difficult. Either way, there was no harm done, and the party went off. It ended in a good mood and I continued to move on with my day. So at about 9 PM, me and my group of friends, including Nate, who thinks I'm a racist, Kelly, the blonde cutie who also thinks I am a racist, Yui, Nick, Megan, Adam, and Cooper, headed out to Kyoto for a wonderful night of dancing and getting shit faced! yay!
There were a few things wrong with this for me....
1) I was dehydrated
2) I was way too tired to be pulling an all nighter
3) I didn't eat all day
So, after consuming 3 chu-his, a bottle of vodka, and a half a bottle of wine, my mind was in a state of intoxication that I have never seen before. Granted for the first few hours of dancing my mind worked fine, but after 3 LIT's in the club I started to have crazy ideas. This lead to me leaving my group and wandering around Kyoto at 4:30 in the AM. Not cool at all. Although moderately entertaining.
I'm sorry Chris. I wish you could have been there to see it.
I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic...
three cheers?
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rayray
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2008 22 October :: 6.16pm
So after a lot of discussing, we have highly considered moving to Wyoming..
The final decision isn't going to be up to me, because I am not the one that has a child.
Also, we are looking at getting an english bulldog puppy.
Im still waiting for my civil service date.
And at this rate, I don't think I am going to get in to take it until december.
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tuwang
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2008 19 October :: 7.43pm
so. Interesting weekend.
I went and saw some old temple. I say it like that because after your 5th or 6th temple you stop appreciating the grandeur of them. Not that I have no appreciation at all... but they start to blend together. This one happened to be on top of this hill/mountain and almost naturally blended into the scenery. I mean, you had to look past the hordes of people that were there but otherwise it was quite scenic. It also helped that I had a fantastic tour guide, although I dont' think she thought so so much. Whatev, it was a good time.
Afterwards we went to eat pizza... which you don't see very often. (I've been here for about a month and 3 weeksish now and I've done pretty good, so I deserve a good cheating).
I've been progressivly losing weight... not so healthy I don't think, but I eat alot. Maybe I should just eat more?
this up coming weekend will be very hectic. Shigadai party on friday, and then kyoto on saturday (like every fucking weekend). But it's sort of the halloween weekend for them, so it should be interesting to see how they percieve the condemned holiday.
speaking of which, I still can't decide on a costume... any ideas?
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valoth
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2008 15 October :: 1.40pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Below
Below
Theres a shadow just behind me. shrouding every step I take.
Making every promise empty. pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of must we, just because the son has come.
Jesus, wont you fucking whistle. something but the past and done.
Why cant we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why cant we drink forever? I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.
Mother mary, wont you whisper. something but the past is done.
Why cant we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why cant we sleep forever? I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
Trust me. trust me. trust me. trust me. trust me.
Why cant we not be sober. I just want to start things over.
Why cant we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
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valoth
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2008 15 October :: 1.38pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Tool - Sober
Something but past and done
Ok So theres a few things I want to get off my chest because its bugging the feck out of me.
I dont even feel ok to say anything about it in my own space. It is my bouncing wall to put my thoughts on so Im doing it anyway.
The stereo in my car doesnt work, and hasnt for about a month now. Its lead to alot of random thoughts to think about while driving.
Like this mornings thoughts...which bring the dread wrench feeling in my stomach.
Im very unhappy with how things ended with Rachel. I got too overbearing in the attempt to salvage anything and Im left with remorse, and a bit of hate on the whole thing. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Why? Oh mainly because it was 4years of my life.
(Side note, dont try to relate to my story, not looking for that)
6yrs ago I met her in a chat room and just had a friend for the summer. Someone to enjoy talking to.
4yrs ago I decided to try and make a long distance relationship work. Even if we werent together it was still nice to say we were.
2yrs ago I got back together with her. Ever since, we struggled to keep things together. Breakdowns aside I enjoyed it.
Time and again, I was either broke, or nearly broke but I made it work to get her here to be with me.
Then I went to see how things were for her down there...where shit went downhill. How far downhill it was before I even arrived I dont know. Rachel was always fairly good with hiding something if she wanted to. Her small hints tended to fall to the side, as I hadnt had time to take them in when in person. Subtle things like, she wasnt wearing the necklace I gave her that she attested to not taking off, or how she smiled at me even.
The more I think about it the more I dont know how distant she was from me already. It just felt like someone had been whispering bad things to her the whole time. It was like she was allowing me to be there simply to let me know I wasnt wanted anymore. Like I was cast aside and was simply being nice due to the pasttense of things.
Saturday night was a freaking crapfest. I dont know what she remembers of it either. All I know is that the time the the first set of folks left, and the second arrived. Things were bad. I was made to be the bad guy because of it. Totally not the case. That was a 50/50 street there. I was quiet and distant after 9pm. Why? Because what I saw was just not what I expected. I could have taken it in stride, but I knew that it wasnt possible. The remainder of the evening continued on the downhill slide.
Post mortim we emailed back and forth some on a few things. Which basically turned into me laying out my reasoning to her, and her getting increasingly angry and defensive. Very little do I find myself in uncomfortable situations. All of Saturday turned into that and Im not going to change my mind on the issues it involved.
I know what I want, and I know what I really, really dont want. What I saw was what I dont want. It hurt me. A lot. Why? Because I knew that 4yrs ago I said to myself something along the lines of "Ill make this work hell or high water." All it did was get worse from then. I broke down some now and then, but only out of longing. Wanting the wait to be over. She broke down harder, less often and I think ended out worse for it.
I broke up with her. She broke up with me. It was "mutual" at best.
I love the girl. I always will, Im just sad that my 'sunny-disposition' got in the way of the thing I hoped to do most. Protect her from the hurt. It seems all I did was manage to bandaid it and it continued to wrech.
Ill continue this rant later. ...prolly should block comments, but meh.
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spud
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2008 15 October :: 3.46am
Bzoink Friend Tests I got 1000000%on jessa's Test!
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spud
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2008 15 October :: 3.32am
:: Mood: sleepy
I mean, crap, man.
... that's, like, his stomach plug on the ground, there. That's not even physically possible, if you think about it....
::
so yeah. i really need to clean out my email inbox. it's seriously bad.
i also need to stop failing at doing my homework. i turned in a paper today that was almost a week late, and when i was called on for discussion in another class, i just told her that i couldn't answer the question, because i didn't do the reading. not that half the class did. but the fact that i had to put it out there in words was awkward.
and it's not going to let up. theoretically i'll be starting work soon, which will only cause things to get worse. then again, maybe it will keep me busy to where i'm more productive and more motivated. hopefully that's the case.
either way, something has to change, because i can't keep going on like i am. i have serious issues with getting to bed, getting up, getting my work done, and getting places on time. especially lately. and it's very uncool.
that aside, the front moved through. that's nice. much cooler tonight. makes me happy. i'm excited for fall.
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tuwang
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2008 12 October :: 2.44pm
So meh...
another day.
I wish I spoke more japanese.
I had an interesting night last night. let's call it a Kevin moment and call it a day shall we?
who else had an interesting night last night?
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andrea
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2008 7 October :: 10.05pm
I think Ben Folds just completed my heart.
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tuwang
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2008 7 October :: 10.58pm
I'm MCing a halloween party here for the students...
why? because sadly enough I'm the least introverted person who isn't making a beer bong or a hemp necklace and puking in a bar every saturday...
also, I get to scare japanese children in a haunted house!!
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tuwang
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2008 2 October :: 8.38pm
So I'm actually bored for the first time in a month. Go me!
Stayin alive, meetin a lot of interesting people, slaughtering english grammar and spelling, the usual...
doing good in my classes. Which is nice. I'm enjoying slowly being able to pick out one or two words that someone might throw at me. Motherfuckers talk fast.
Going to a party at the local university tomorrow followed by dinner and probably more drinking.
saturday will be yet another excursion to kyoto followed by more dancing and drinking...
and sunday morning probably even more so to get rid of my hangover...
I've eaten a few random things. Raw ground beef with a raw egg on top... surprisingly delicious. They seasoned it somehow, but none the less, looking at it would make you gag.
so I'll probably go stab myself now. TTYL!!!
*edit* also noteworthy that I experienced an earthquake. It was lame.
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valoth
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2008 30 September :: 12.08am
Gotta love cliffs...yup...
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