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2006 5 November :: 2.31 pm
:: Mood: upset
A FAILURE.
it's how i feel but i know god doesn't want me to feel that way. i didn't make all-state - not even the first cut, which means they think i suck. does it hurt? yes, because i was two points from making the highest choir last year. now i can't even make the first cut. i'm embarrassed, yes. i feel like i can't do anything right. my second SAT scores were almost 200 points lower. failure. i had a migraine this morning. failure. i lead a bunch of seventh grade girls when my life is a mess. failure. i'm selfish because, meanwhile, a girl i know is on the brink of death, and i don't even know if she'll be alive in two days. failure.
i know god can and will use this, but for now, things suck. i am putting my worth in things that will wither and fade, things that do not and cannot change the fact that god made me in his image, and he wants to rescue me. meanwhile i keep hearing this voice in my head - "you're not smart enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not GOOD enough, you have no talents, everything you were once good at is all rubble now." i know it's satan, and i know i'm believing him.
i want to be free.
1 hath felt christ's love =D |
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 19 June :: 12.25 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: the afters=beautiful love
MY TIME AND THE MYSTERY OF HIS.
i know this is making me closer to the lord, but it sucks. every second of it. every sinking feeling and missed opportunity. so much that it's killing me. it is tearing me apart, and i don't even know who i am anymore.
i am seeing more about my parents that i don't want to know, and i am seeing it affect my little brother. most of all, i am wanting the older brother i always needed, but feeling that i never had him in the first place. even if he is there, and tells me he is, i don't feel it. i need a shoulder to lean on, i need sympathy.
the past two times i've come home from a trip, i start having headaches again. i wonder what it is. it reminds me that this physical home is not my home at all, that my place is with god, and i know i am drifting from that.
i just want my time to come. my time, when i can go on a missions trip for once, and be free, and have my parents actually want me to go. i want more than anything for god to change my parents' hearts, and i know he can, but everytime i see the truth i am totally confused as to how the heck that will happen. but i see the startling future they would have if he didn't change them. the future that is only coming closer as i begin to see them without each other, their own personalities more magnified.
i don't want to be strong for everybody. i don't want to have to hold it back when i want to cry just because everyone else is. I AM STILL A CHILD. right now i need parents, i don't need to be their parent. i'm so sick of all this, i just want them to understand god and understand me and that god would want me to go on a missions trip.
i'm so sick of this. these past two days have killed me more than anything, but i know it's growing me. it sucks but it's growing me. i want to have a happy day again without worrying about what my dad is doing or the truth about my parents' relationship or about staying strong for all of them when i SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.
i am everybody's shoulder to lean on.
where is my shoulder to lean on?
i feel like all my capacity for human-ness has been sucked out. i wish god would just scream something out at me instead of whisper it, but i know i am forced to listen when he whispers. i'm just being selfish now. i want to be heard. because i feel like i haven't been, especially by my parents. i am screaming out to them - in so many ways than literally - that i need them to be my parents. i need them to be responsible and not inflict their own problems on their kids. i don't want my little brother to break because of this, i don't want him to be confused about the way my parents are acting. this is NOT HIS PROBLEM, and though i am more than inclined to act as his parent, that's not my place.
i guess the thing is, i don't want him to ever lose his innocence. that's something god has given him - this innocent way of losing his anger quickly, of not understanding the world's corruption, and because of that, it not affecting him like it does us. but i praise god every time i remember that he has a place for jeff with him. that is one thing i am more than sure of.
pray for me. advise me, but don't condescend. that is the last thing i need right now. i need god, first, and my friends. they are meaning so much more to me every day, with all the things they tell me and the things they mean with what they say.
god, help me to be happy for those who have taken the opportunity i missed. pick out the one i'll marry, so i don't try to. make him perfect for me - i know you will. make it so i don't repeat the things my parents have done, and show me clearly when you want to send me off into the missions world. show me what you want me to do with my future, because i want to spend it with you, and glorifying you. help me through this phase that really sucks like insanity, and thanks for bringing me close to you, because that reality is better than the reality of it sucking. i love you, and give me the desire to read your word and be like you, even when everybody - even the people i love - aren't. show me who i am through you. heal me. i'm sorry for all the mistakes i've made because i love you and i want what you want for me, even though sometimes i act like i don't in the heat of the moment. you know who i am, and i want to be that person you made - not the person i've made for myself, or that others have made of me. i praise you for making me worth more than people sometimes treat me. show that to my friends, too, and my parents. change their hearts like you have drastically changed mine, but let them know it won't be easy. i thank you that you're real, and that you work and answer prayers and that you walked 2000 years ago and will walk again. come into me, i ask that of you. i mean that. break me. that's a crazy request, but i trust you. help me to trust you even more. work in me and do the work, instead of letting me try to fix things on my own. i love you, i LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. thanks for bringing the kenya people back safely and showing them more than they could ever learn at home, and convince my parents RIDICULOUSLY so they understand my desire for you and your desire for me to go on a trip. be with my brothers, and show my brother he has self-control. be in him, and show him something i could never tell him. i want him to know you and understand you. BREAK HIM, because he's not broken. you know him, and i don't, but show me who he is so i can help him and love him and help him more. help me to love myself, show me my talents so i can use them for your glory. help me to write a song that expresses you! and give me the courage to sing it. show me your plan and help me to yield to it. i want to yield to that plan.
yours all the way,
aut.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 28 May :: 10.47 pm
i should probably stop saying things i'll regret saying later.
THE LINE IS DRAWN HERE.
thank you.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 27 May :: 1.57 pm
sorry for the depressing and vague nature of my most recent entries.
unfortunately, this entry is not going to get any better.
i can NOT be my brother's mother. i am still a CHILD. i cannot hold the weight of my family and my family's problems on my shoulders. be strong for ME. be an adult for ME.
why is it that i am feeling like the adult around here? i can't write in my journal without my mom questioning what i'm writing. why's that? why is it that, without fail, every time i come in the driveway, i agonize over what lecture my mother's going to give me about my parents, or what she'll cry about?
why do i have to worry about these things all the time?
a lot of the time i never want to grow up, but these are the moments that make me anticipate the moment i'll pack and leave this house, leave this drama i don't need. i'm mad that my little brother, who doesn't understand ANY BIT OF THIS, has to put up with it. he doesn't get why his mom is sad or crying in front of him. he doesn't understand, but he needs a break. he can feel when something is wrong. i wish i could just take him with me.
they said it would never be about taking sides, or me getting involved, but it is. i'm the mediator. i'm the parental espionage, supposed to take notes on what each parent says so i can report back to the other.
oh, did i mention i'm sick of the low whispers? if you have something secretive to say on the phone, go in another room where i can't hear you.
don't make me feel bad for you all the time. i don't need that, don't you understand? especially when you always tell me it's not my fault and i can't do anything about it. don't tell me that and then act like i CAN fix things. don't speak if you can't do it without crying. go to a room and compose yourself. you are an ADULT. i know this is hard. and it's ALLOWED to be. you just don't understand how hard it is to live in a house where the mood is always so depressing. nobody can function in that environment without going nuts.
i am not the head of this house.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 20 May :: 2.10 pm
yeah, i was right. regretting what i posted.
i think the reason i was mad at my mom was because she's probably partially right. okay, maybe more than partially. i just need to say sorry to her, which will take a firm harnessing of my pride.
i guess i just needed to get that out... but lately i've been realizing that i get things out the wrong way. i pretty much explode, or just feel justified in my anger. to be honest, i'm probably the most selfish person i know.
but anyway... i'm ready for the day to get better, and i know apologizing to my mom will help. just, so much stuff going on. some of my best friends are graduating, my mom is handling marital issues, exams are here, i have to decide what school i'm going to (amidst people asking me constantly) while realizing that the real question is where GOD wants me to go, and all the while i feel like i have to keep myself perfectly composed.
i guess god's just saying... you have worth to me, things will be FINE, you are blessed and you don't even realize it...
for me, i guess i have those moments where everything coincides, and i collapse, and feelings come back, and blah blah blah.
but anyway, i'm fine now. that's all anyone needs to know.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 20 May :: 11.26 am
GOING DOWNHILL. FAST.
as the day/week/summer goes on, i realize that i am going downhill. fast.
i wonder how i am living in this house without going crazy. i feel like i'm being nagged constantly by my mom, on every little thing. my GRADES, for god's sake. i'm top 8 in my class and my mom just gave me a lecture about doing well on my exams and not blowing it. i mean, you have to know the whole situation to understand what she was saying, but i want to tell her that she's adding to the pressure that i DON'T need right now.
i feel like something's wrong with me. EVERYTHING'S wrong with me. like why my best guy friend in the world wouldn't tell me something until i talked to him first, yet he easily told other people. i guessed right, and he told me that it was because i'm just miss perfect, according to the whole freaking WORLD.
it makes me wonder if ANYONE knows me. at all.
i feel like nobody does. i feel like, along with that, nobody really cares either. call me emo, but i think this is all just me being human. oh yeah, i forgot, i'm not a human. i'm perfect.
and now i feel like we don't act normal around each other. it was kind of awkward. yet with other people he told, they're cool. i am ALWAYS the bad guy. WITHOUT FAIL. i just want to get out of here, go to college, live on my own and become a hermit or something just so i don't have to deal with anybody, don't have to fix anything.
i feel like - and partially feel like i know - that i will always be the angel friend, who has never done or seen or known anything wrong, who is too holy to talk to about anything. like oh my gosh, i've never heard anybody curse before, i've never heard of drugs or partying and have never known anybody who has done anything "wrong." i am a walking human, a walking bowl of mistakes, just like everyone else. i shouldn't have to jump from a building or embark on a massive murdering spree to prove that. or, for that matter, party, or have sex or something.
this is ridiculous. my life is a ridiculous, and every day is becoming a walking nightmare. every time i come home i put up a the defensive, wondering what the heck i will be nagged for next, what i should do to be better in general. i wonder if i will be lectured about my parents again, or shrinked by my mom. i am not a little kid anymore. i wish i could be treated like a responsible adult.
and once again, full-circle, i am the bad guy. the bad kid who gets hurt when her mom said something she understood differently. and then i'm the bad guy for that, for being hurt or offended. and then i should say sorry, and then it's this circle again. i wonder how many times i will be in this exact place. probably tomorrow, or before i leave tonight, or sometime soon.
yeah, i know, i'm a bad guy to everyone else now for writing this. call me a heathen, call me a hypocrite. i feel like i CAN'T BE HUMAN ANYMORE. like there's no room for mistakes. you know how tiring that gets? not being human is logically against my
human nature.
i don't want your advice, and i don't want anybody's. the odds of me knowing what anyone will say is high.
i just want somebody to UNDERSTAND. sometimes understanding is more important to me than having someone condescend to me about, once again, what i am doing wrong.
anyway, i'll regret writing this because it's not beautiful and flowery and oh-life-is-so-pretty. but, to be honest, i've checked my grade online today about exams. my mom lectured me, and i freaked out. this is my life. welcome to it. you won't be amazed and won't be amused.
trust me.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 20 May :: 11.23 am
why can't i have a normal day without one thing screwing it up entirely?
why am i always the bad guy?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH?
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 20 May :: 11.14 am
i would like to know why.
thanks.
what i do will never be enough.
tell me my grades are great, but lecture me about studying.
tell my my faith is great, but argue with me on how it's wrong and i'm naive and brainwashed.
tell me i'm great, but nag me CONSTANTLY.
I NEED A BREAK.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 30 April :: 1.13 pm
so, MAN this makes me so mad!
man! i can't even say it! in words! so i have to use these cheap, darn exclamation points! DAHH!!
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 28 April :: 10.23 pm
ok, so i'm a dorkus loser, i know.
want it when you can't have it, don't want it when you can.
so what matt/mark have been talking about is completely relevant to the status quo. a little too relevant and honest, actually.
BADUDDA.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 24 April :: 5.35 pm
:: Mood: BLARCHERBOCHER!
by all means, she was supposed to win.
why am i so confused????
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 7 April :: 1.01 am
i did always want him to watch out for me, tell me to be careful.
and that's why i said hey.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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2006 6 April :: 12.06 am
hurt child
in a broken home
never thought
i'd be a number.
never thought it would
turn out this way,
scarred child.
don't fool yourself
into thinking
you were okay.
don't fool yourself
into thinking
you are okay.
let it out
let it out
let it out
let it out
let it out.
stop trying,
it's not on you.
stop trying,
take a breath,
sleep.
it's not on you
it's not on you
it's not on you.
you are okay.
you are okay.
god has you.
"i have you.
i'm not fooling you
so be a fool for me,
because you're okay,
and i have you,
i got you,
i got you,
you're okay,
it will be
fine.
stop taking the burdens.
don't.
stop taking the pain,
stop.
it's not yours.
it's mine.
you CAN'TDOTHISONYOUROWN."
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
::
2006 4 April :: 10.04 pm
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: chris tomlin = indescribable
THE PARTS OF ME.
part of me hates him, can't stand him because i know he is important to me, somehow. and i don't know how any of this works because there is nothing, and i can't revive something that never existed in the first place. i have no remote CLUE what i'm chasing after, and once again i'm reminded that i want things i can't have.
it's like a big mind game.
and of course, the other part of me sees something big in him that i really admire, really want to know, but at the same time know i CAN'T know. once again i've come to the place where i want to give up. how many times have i told myself that? i think i gave up a long time ago. it's not like i'm trying. it's just that i'm thinking, considering. i think the next step is abandoning that as well, but i'm sure that's a hopeless endeavor.
sometimes the thought of him makes me angry, and i tell myself that i'm worth more than the trouble. i think i want to be angry, want to make myself feel like things are impossible so i won't waste my energy. i'm feeling that mentality right about now.
knowing this won't get anywhere.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
::
2006 19 March :: 9.38 pm
:: Mood: honest
:: Music: the fray = trust me
SOI'MGONNABEHONEST.
so i'm going to do something many people attributing themselves to christ DON'T do: be blatantly honest with everyone on how i am with god. why? because life is not daisies and butterflies, and i think it is a common misconception by many nonbelievers on how christians are: skippy-doo and high off life constantly. honestly, often i'm not. i'm a little happy now, but overall, things have been crazy.
as of now (i say that because god is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY unpredictable), i'm not going to mexico or kenya. last sunday god really convicted me that i should trust him with this, let him take care of it and not worry about it. i messed things up, i should've told my mom earlier and been more specific and punctual about things. i didn't trust god with him. i doubted him from the start.
corley and miranda told me something amazing that i subconsciously know to be true, but i certainly haven't been feeling: god is my first parent. a greater parent than my mom or dad. it's his say on whether i should go to kenya or not, not my parents', and he is so big that changing their minds is little to him. he's god! i've realized lately that i've been undermining god's sheer greatness - that my parents are no match for him. that he can change anyone. i guess i have always been used to earning things, so i assume that i have to work for god to touch somebody i know, that i have to work for god to forgive me, because society says "work work work!" as a matter of fact, society prepares us for school from toddler-age so we can go to school for what, 13 years, only to move on to further schooling to embark on a hunt for a profession, then meet "the one," have kids, retire, etcetera.
i'm sick of the american dream.
it's a load of CRAP. i will never forget the story about that couple who retired and now enjoys their yacht and walking along the beach looking for seashells. what a WASTE of LIFE. to retire from what, life? to let the people around you become invisible. i will never retire as a christian, i will never retire missions, i will never retire being one of god's. ever.
so when kenya and mexico were a no (i hate saying that because god isn't finished, but at the same time my doubt inevitably comes out), i was mad at god. i'll be honest. i was mad, and part of me is still upset. i've been making about me, i say, "god, when will i have my chance? what about me? what about ME? how come i have to wait longer than everyone else?" i just feel so frustrated. i feel like the nice person who gets nothing. or at least, i felt that way. but when i look at god and see how good he is, i know i will be entirely blessed for waiting, and i know it will be amazing.
that is so hard for me. i'm used to not waiting, for things to come when i work, for society's karma to come. but god is none of those things. god is god.
i haven't been reading my bible a lot lately, either. i want that desire, and i do have it - i'm just lazy, and it's sickening to me. that lifestyle. i hate it, but i live it?
i don't want my life to be a routine.
I don't want to live every day the same, unless "the same" entails me glorifying god every day.
i don't want to be lazy.
i don't want to waste my life.
i don't want to allow people to go to hell just because i'm scared.
why am i scared?
anyway, i know god loves me and that i don't have to earn anything. i want to glorify him out of sheer desire, out of the capacity of my love for him.
i do love him.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ?? |
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