WOW. LONG TIME NO TYPE ...
wow, i can't even update myself - too much has happened!

wow. things are just amazing. it just feels like i've gone a long time without writing, and that makes me feel parched - i've been craving expression for i don't know how long. when i pray, sometimes it just feels like words, and words don't come out of me so wonderfully. i love how they come out on paper - they flow quite nicely ...

well mom came to easter sunday at my church, said it was "interesting." i can't tell you how much i just want her to get over religion. i hate religion, and, yes, i'm allowed to hate it because religion is evil. evil is the one thing i'm allowed to hate, and religion is evil - thus by the transitive property, i am allowed to hate religion. deep breath there.

religion, religion, CURSED RELIGION. it's all politics - 'this is what you're supposed to believe, if you don't, then SHAME ON YOU, go to somewhere where you believe what they believe!' come on! what happened to loving everybody, not going against eachother. we are all christians, we should all be united as one because we love jesus! or, at least, we're supposed to.

my research has officially started - i feel like i'm actually doing something meaningful now. i'm researching all the different sects/denominations of christianity - or, at least, the more popular ones: lutheran, methodist, baptist, presbyterian, catholic, etc. i want to see what all the fuss is about, what flaws there are in the non-unity of christianity.

i went to dictionary.com - good start, i'd say. it just gives you the run-through. i guess i'm officially 'baptist' because i was fully immersed in february (=D - isn't that awesome? it's real this time), thus, i'm officially part of gateway.

i have to tell you about that real quick too. (HOLY COW I JUST LOOKED BACK ON THE SITE AND THE LAST TIME I WROTE WAS IN DECEMBER! THAT'S RIDICULOUSLY, FREAKISHLY INSANE!).

so i decided the day of baptism that i was going to it. i can't express in any words how i feel now that i'm part of gateway - i have a family now. the church is my home, my favorite place to be, because i know i am genuinely loved because god has planted so much of his own love in all the awesome people that go there. so i decided that i would be baptized, because i had missed my chance at greg's commission (i had been thinking about it, but i guess i wasn't ready - i was scared, for some reason). so, when church was over, i told my mom when she picked me up. i can't really remember her reaction - she wasn't angry, wasn't ecstatic - just her normal okey-dokey way.

and then that night, before baptism, my mom told me to talk to my dad on the phone about it because i hadn't told him yet. so i told him. and then, bomb. he wasn't very happy. this is what i remember:
"hey dad. i'm getting baptized tonight."
"oh. you were baptized when you were little, though."
"yeah, i know."
"and you did confirmation too, right?"
"yeah ... but i didn't really know what it meant [didn't FEEL what it meant, is more like it]."
"well, okay. well, i'm happy for you."
"thanks."
"i guess that's that for methodist, then."
"dad..."
[pause]
"it's going to be weird, me not being there and all."

that's what i remember. he wasn't mad or anything, his tone was just really awkward and a little down.

see the effects of religion on the whole meaning of jesus?

it just angers me, and i just want to cry angry, salty, hot tears because of it. so many people just don't understand anymore - eternity is just another gift mechanically handed over to you if you're a good person, if you've claimed you're a christian, if you've gone to church, read the bible maybe once or twice, prayed a few times.

that's the problem. people think that if you're good, then BANG, look, the angels are coming for me! i see my stairway ascending up ... i was SUCH a great person! it's just so mechanical now, so metallic and constructed. it's all brain and no heart - "hey, if i know the facts, the scripture, the entire history, then i'm good!" what about loving jesus, living like him, praising him with your utmost, being imperfect? repentance? earnest prayer? talking with jesus, not because you're told, but because he's your brother, father, everything? i don't know where it's all gone.

my family just seems so wrapped up in it. they go to church, what, twice a year? the regular family. wow, i go for the two most 'religious' holidays - i'm good! yes, yes. the societal american religion - societal worldly religion.

i just want them so much to love jesus, have a personal relationship with him. he doesn't want you, the good person. he wants you, his child, his loving, genuine child!

sorry if i'm preaching to the choir. i just feel so much like god has sent me to tell the truth - not the lies i was taught to tell earlier, that cuss words are cool and jesus is for good people.

it just feels like they don't know, and that's difficult. imagine seeing the people you love sinking slowly into an eternal hell of hatred. i can't tell you what that feels like. i just can't. but i'm trying, i'm trying to let god course through me so that i might play a little role in that salvation process by being god's vessel. please, god, oh please.

the good thing is that i have people praying. and i do see light - mrs. jayne keeps inviting my mom to church again because she seemed to like it, and i know my dad knows a lot of christ. i just need to get him to feel it. it's in his head, but sometimes it doesn't seem like it's in his heart. he uses the lord's name in vain, he curses so much that i just want to explode. i told him to stop once when he cursed in god's name, but that hasn't really stopped him. my mom said he would listen to me more than her though.

i think she's right.

wow, life is so different. my nsync stuff is nicely boxed and stacked against the wall of my soon-to-be-in-the-process new room (redoing the whole thing). people think it was all funny, those obsessive days - and don't get me wrong, they kinda were - but it's all quite sad in a way. i spent 2 years of my life in complete idolatry over a frickin' boy band. i guess that's what made my coming to god all the more radical - i set the posters aside when i was reaquainted with jesus, my beautiful destiny. guess that shows god's power, eh?

wow, looking back at old entries ... i've changed. a lot. i guess it makes me want to apologize. for everything - not representing christ, having hate in my heart, trying to handle things by myself ... i can't own hate anymore. and hate can't own me. i can't believe i've ever said the word 'hate' before - it's so petty. talk about hate - real hate, being the devil, versus hate against that chick down the hall that stole your boyfriend, or something teenage and stupid nowadays. the devil likes that. the devil likes that a lot. so why do it? amen.

final chorus concert of the year next thursday (a week packed with stuff, by the way)! i'm really excited - EVERY SINGLE PIECE mentions the lord. i'm just so happy to be able to praise him at school, in front of my peers and their families. my teacher dyed her hair purple, by the way - awesome lady. i love how she helps us; it's AMAZING how she does it. she paints a picture that the song's words are trying to, and she tells us to sing like we are experiencing it. and it really brings our singing out magically. woo-dang!

i'm a freak now, yaaaay! haha, no really!! [laughs a nice chuckle but refrains from saying 'lol' because she has overused it] it's so weird, now i'm like the jesus spy - is that person a christian? when i'm watching tv, i wonder. it's WEIRD. i wonder about their eternity, whether they give a care about jesus or whether they've blown him off like another girlfriend or boyfriend.

well i'm off to some songwriting or watching tv or something so as not to stress myself out. i do that way too much.

oh wait, no! i forgot to talk about alex bales, my bud. he told me he's going to chs because god has led him there. i didn't know he was the real-deal christian until a couple months ago (i hadn't talked to him in a long time, and i hadn't talked to him about jesus-type things because i wasn't the kid i am now when we used to talk a while back). i was just so ... relaxed, tranquil, and i felt such a sweet, rich love for him because he's my brother, and it's just incredible to see someone in an act of godly obedience. amazing. fantastic.

well i must be going. prayers to all. i got some stuff to do. but we all do, don't we? anyway, i'll ramble on once again later to the people who never come to this site anyway (once again, a nice chuckle).

much love, graciously given by the savior,
au†umn

p.s. i was going to do a p.s. ... but i forgot what i was going to say. DARN.

goodbye hatred.
goodbye self-consciousness.
goodbye depression.
goodbye loneliness.
goodbye hypocrisy.

goodbye evil.

...HELLO JESUS!

A NEW SORT OF AGGRAVATION.
today was greg and jolie's (sp) last day. we combined the middle school and high school services into one big service, and it started out with a lot of laughter and smiles in remembrance of all those good and funny times. i was so happy that everyone was happy and laughy instead of weepy; i had prayed for happiness on my way to church. but, of course, emotions took their tolls and it ended up emotional in the end - after all, our friends were leaving. our friends, our family. i am going to miss them incredibly - everywhere they go, they just bring along this atmosphere of laughter and happiness, and so many people need that. i needed that at one point, and there i was at gateway baptist. gosh i love that place. as we were singing, praising the lord, some people with tears streaming down their faces, i thought to myself, so this is what a family is like. no, this is what a family should be. i have never felt such a feeling of being in the right place. all those people are MY FAMILY, my family. i love them all so much. when i am with them, listening to greg speak wise things of christ, praising god through song, praying quietly in little groups, i never feel so much a feeling of total and complete LOVE. yet i am so frustrated because i can't express myself through words. i can't express how much i love everyone when they're all giving it up to christ. i want to juice up all these words and make them sound so eloquent and colorful and textured, but i can't because i know that juiced-up words and imagery can't express what i feel. but when i am singing with all those people, watching people fall to their knees and raise their hands and smile or cry or shout, all that seems to express everything. i don't have to say or think anything - i just simply let the words of the song pour from my lips, let my lips curve to a smile as i see people scream to jesus - and i am complete. to see people sing the words "we love you lord we love you we love you," i just think to myself, lord, we really do love you. do you see harvin raising her hands to you? see faith's eyes glisten? hear jolie's incredible voice? that's praise, lord - that's love. and see all of us, standing together, laughing together, hugging, smiling, consoling, laying hands on eachother as we gather in prayer around jolie and greg? you see that? that's family. not just the home family, the family that you eat with at dinner and the family that gets you up to go to school in the morning. it's the family that is uniting through the most pure love in the entire universe - the love of one soul through one man. god through jesus christ.

i never felt so united with a group, and knowing that the source of the unity was leaving made me rejoice yet cry inside. they are following god's will, doing what they have taught us to do all these years, and they are leaving to spread some more love and joy and laughter and happiness ... they're leaving us, but that's a good thing. we've had our share of the willises, and now it's someone else's turn. now it's our turn to teach what greg has taught us and live his words. now we can embrace our new youth pastor, a totally different person that we will come to love and admire - not the same love we had for greg, though, because a love for one person is a totally different love for another. nobody will replace greg and jolie, and nobody will replace greg and jolie's fine friends. shoot. i will miss them so much. i've only known them for half a year, yet i can openly say that i love them. just through hearing greg and watching jolie interact with people, i know them. just from those things i could guess what jolie and greg would do in a certain situation. amazing, isn't it? i can't express my thanks to god for all he has given me. instead of friends speaking of obscenities and sex and cruel jokes, i have friends that i can hold, friends that i can praise the lord with and speak comfortably with about what i believe. i have friends that won't compromise their beliefs, morals, and standards for popularity or a guy's attention.

yet i'm still frustrated. i ask myself, why do i have a family that doesn't love christ? why can't it be easy to minister to them? how hard is it to be happy? how hard is it to love and be optimistic? i wish i had a family that understood that our bodies are temples of christ, and that we shouldn't drink at all, even if we are of age. i wish my family understood that people don't go to heaven just because they "believe" in christ. i wish they loved like jessica mcneal's mom. i wish they went to church because they wanted to be of christ, instead of going because you're supposedly a good person if you go. i wish they were totally and incredibly real, like greg or jolie or mrs. jayne.

i wish my family loved the lord purely, humbly, and genuinely. but something inside me is saying, "oh, but they do."

after all, isn't jessie my family? isn't alex? aren't terri, alex c., britney, sara, and aly my family? they are. isn't jessica mcneal my family? aren't her mom and her sister? isn't everyone at gateway family?

of course.







<3au†umn

"hear our voices, louder still, can you hear us, can you feel? we love you lord, we love you, we love you ..."

TEENAGE DRAMA. SHEESH.
man this year is already crazy. a year before this i would've never believed that i'd be having a birthday without valerie, much less spending a weekend without her. but here i am. a week before i would've never dreamed that i would've had a completely new group of friends, all great christian girls. crazy stuff.

this is it. i'm going to be in control of my own party - not going to have girls leaving other girls out. i get down sometimes when i see how we tend to act. or, how i used to act with them. i'm glad sara and i have noticed that there need to be changes. sometimes i feel left out in the group. rarely, because i know i love all them and they all love me, but, nonetheless, it happens. i hate how "they" tend to leave people out, bringing things up that tend to hurt others. i was like that until i realized, first-hand, how it felt. i left them out, wouldn't let people in, and then when it happened to me i suddenly felt horrible. selfish, most definitely.

things are so topsy-turvey. i can't stand to see the cliquey ways of our group. sometimes i wish i wasn't part of the group, because we always stick together and blah blah blah, spend every single weekend together, enduring conversations about boys and just having fun. sometimes i don't want to have fun. the group began solely based on fellowship, but now it seems a group of petty teenage girls. i don't like that at all. i go to find fellowship, and i turn into a cliquey girl that turns others away. i don't want to be that - GOD doesn't want me to be that. if having fun is taking away time that i could be witnessing or learning more about jesus, then it's completely not worth it. fun is so overrated. it lasts hours at the most. why can't people see that god is the only lasting thing in this universe? not fun, not dating or your boyfriend/girlfriend, not going to parties every weekend, not shopping, not ... anything. only god. i see people praising the lord one day, and then the next day no word of jesus passes from their lips. and maybe that's me, too, but at least i know that i am changing it. you see this wonderful person giving it all to the lord, surrendering, and then the next day they're doing totally ungodly things. sometimes this world seems so fake. maybe it is.

i'm just frustrated. i have this frustrated side that's worrying about the whole group issue and schoolwork and all those burdens, and then the other side that's totally happy. like right now i'm a little down about the group thing, yet i'm so joyous that i could lift my hands in the air and sing wonderful music. i don't know.

well i'm off. for this week i challenge you to refrain from any sort of thing that would offend any person - mean jokes, thoughts, gestures, attitudes ... what would you do if jesus was standing there in the doorway, watching your every move? well guess what. he is.

<333, au†umn

"Remember when I asked for heads to turn in the halls when I passed by? I think a few people took a second look. I don't have to say anything, and they just see You in me. ... I write not for the sake of glory, not for the sake of fame, not for the sake of success, but for the sake of my soul."

LONG TIME NO TYPE ...
holy crap i haven't typed an entry in forever! i guess i'm trying to scoot toward writing in my humongous empty journal instead -- just a journal completely devoted to talking to god.

a lot has changed; i'm in high school now, i actually like it -- it's not as jam-packed with peer pressure as middle school was. right now i'm so happy that i could fly -- i had a really good weekend. this morning at church i could just feel god breathing through me, the music was filling me up and nothing could ruin the happiness that was bestowed upon me -- until greg (youth pastor) broke the news.

he's leaving for texas.

not many dry eyes in the room after the service. i'm going to miss him so much -- we aren't best friends, we haven't even really talked personally, but his words have helped me so much in my walk with god. i have never learned so much from a single person, besides foster christy. the church is going to miss him terribly -- tim (other youth pastor) was crying, and that was hard to watch. all the while he was telling us this, i heard people sniffling from everywhere in the room. but this kid behind me (i'm not sure who it was, but i think it was someone i might know) prayed for greg when we were circled around him, and he said something so awesome -- he said something along the lines of, "thank you god for greg and just make the church deal work out [greg's going to texas to start a new church and live with his grandparents] -- dear god i thank and praise you so much because, if greg wasn't leaving to tell the word, he would be going against everything he's taught us." that just hit me with this light, that was like -- so that's what it's like to be 100% living for god -- taking drastic measures just to teach other people. greg has such a gift of speaking about god and learning all these things and reading in between the lines. he's taught us a many years' worth of christ; i believe there are other people out there more in need of him. when greg told us about how much he loved us, this youth group, this family, it felt like god was talking to me. he said the three words "i love you" like nobody has ever said it before. he said it so honestly, so genuinely, and you could hear the tears coming -- all these emotions through his voice. his one voice -- one voice. just one voice has taught us to love god, to live completely FOR him, to devote ourselves to him. just one voice, one person, out of the billions in this world. god is so crazily in him. i just lift him up to god because he is a true apprentice of the lord, of christ, of our awesome father.

one voice dedicating its soul to one god. one god speaking through one voice. that is so incredibly, unbelievably amazing. it's so surreal that i can't even fathom it. this year is really going to be an explosion -- jessie moving, greg leaving (though he will always be with us, cheesy as it sounds) ... and i forgot to mention that i'm witnessing someone from school. i hate to say it, but it's true -- she tends to be really pessimistic, and if god were to be in her, she could be this awesome person. and my attempts are working =D

god is so awesome, you guys. there is no single being in this UNIVERSE so great and wonderful. i have never loved so much, so deeply, so greatly, which such a happiness and faith and love and heart. i am so grateful for what god is shaping me into -- not a perfect sculpture, no, but a better one nonetheless. and for one thing to change me so much is a miracle. nothing can ever love me so much, change me, make me feel this awesome, embrace me, teach me, comfort me, speak to me, touch me -- none of these can all be done better, much less at all, than my wonderful father, brother, friend, and soulmate. jesus. simply jesus. i want to ooze him, breathe him, feel him, embrace him, hold him as he has done me for the fourteen years i've lived (though i haven't always known it), touch him, squeeze him so hard that he might burst, feel him in my heart totally, scream his word for all to hear ... no one is more faithful, more strong, loving, caring, understanding, brutally honest -- any positive adjective to describe him. i wish EVERYONE knew that nobody owns all these traits but god. i want to touch and witness everyone, and it almost seems possible -- but there isn't any reachable way to teach everyone. i want to do something explosive to show the entire world how much i love him, but i know it's not possible. i type the words "not possible" with a lot of trouble, though. i say it's not possible to tell the world, yet i hesitate, for there must be some way. i would look ridiculous, do something insane, drop out of school, run away, abandon my life, love someone that wants to murder me and hide the body -- and, without a moment's hesitation, i would die -- just to be able to tell every living thing in existence that i love the lord, and i'm truly beginning to live for him, and that nothing in this WORLD is so grand and extravagant and true.

christ, my lord, my father, you are beautiful.

<333, au†umn

Forever God is faithful,
Forever God is strong,
Forever God is with us.

Forever.

DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA ...
theyre so into god yet they still have the time and room to make people feel left out or below them. they still have the guts to use the wrong things to flaunt (but not physically). no matter how much they convince you that they love you, they still extract at least ten seconds from their day to somehow point out that theyre better than you in this or that, that youre somehow not up to their caliber in some way. they spend hours talking to you about god, yet they can still do all the same things that the average petty teenager girl does in her overdramatized life. i can't wait until i can just wake up to a new day. i hate having to be strong about stupid things.

i hate having to be strong, period. why do we nice, undramatized, civil people have to put up with stupid things that people put us through? they boss us around, point out that they're more attractive, act like they know more about you than you do ... i'm just frustrated. god, please be with me. why can't people just be nice? no meanness. none at all. then we could all be happy. do the math. HAPPY = HAPPY. HAPPPYYY!!! how hard is it to be frickin nice?

good night you guys, im off to yell at something.

THE MONSTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS AUTUMN.
er. i hate the person im turned into sometimes. like when i can be so negative -- not negative to people, but in my head. i mean not like i sit here and wish people would die and crap -- just negative. worrying about appearance, fretting about this and that ... i wish i could be 100% positive, but nobody truly can. i hate when one moment can turn me all negative and vicious and ravenous and conniving. (no i'm just kidding, lol, just the negative part.) i'll vent and then of course the next day wish i hadn't said that or felt that way at all. i just wish i could wake up and everything would be erased except for that new day. that would be so awesome. but sometimes people can't forgive or forget. they just wake up, and though they may feel better, that little negative bit is still trailing along and in their system. right now i could erase every bad thing -- forgive anybody for anything, ask forgiveness for anything, like nothing has ever happened. like the people that hate me for no reason, i wouldn't care. i would love them right now and erase anything they ever said that offended me. that's how new i feel. today was just a new day for me, and i wish it could be for everyone else. just a day to start over and wash our hands and forget anything crappy thats happened in the past.

well i'm going to go, i have a book talk due and a book to finish and more stuff until i die. i am truly sorry to anyone that has taken offense to anything i've done or said at any time ever. i really do love all yall a ton and i hope you know that. right now you may be thinking, this isnt to me is it? well it is. anybody that i know, i just wanted to say that, because everybody deserves respect and an apology for anything at all. love you guys, i'm out.

<333, au†umn

p.s. sorry for the rawness of all this -- i haven't kept up with my journal in a LONG time and i'm too busy/lazy to write quotes and stuff. that's a poo on my part. =\

DON'T MESS WITH ME. I'M MAD.
THIS ENTRY HAS BEEN EDITED FOR THE SAKE OF GOD AND MY SHAME IN MISREPRESENTING HIM. this is all i kept ...

well hopefully i'll be better tomorrow, though i'm gonna have to get up at the crack of dawn to go with the fam to help andrew move into burns. pray for me. when i say that, it's definitely not sarcastic. i'm not all depressed, just a mixture of that crap and exhaustion. they killed us today in cc. so i'm kinda wiped, as you can see by my deep enthusiastic entry, haha. love love. don't let a guy violate you ... hm.

<333, au†umn

MY LAST DAYS BEFORE CHAOS
whoa. school in four days. who woulda thought? i gotta get to studying my map, because i'm not going to ask any directions. can't trust them seniors! lol.

man! i'm in the gigantic process of cleaning my room, but i've only made more of a mess. but hey, i'm gettin' there. even though i can't walk an inch without having to step on something. it's all good.

hrm let's see. oh my gosh, camp ... i'm still in awe over how i've changed. i thought i was a christian before that, just loving and believing in god, but it's so much more different. i can actually look forward to church now without dreading a dead and eternal sermon. i don't think i'll ever find a church as good as gateway -- it's hard to be so involved with jesus when you can't look forward to sundays.

let's see. gotta finish my summer reading sheets, clean my room, going to movies on wednesday, track for the rest of the week, printing out these woohu pages for my journal, redoing my room ... wow. i can't believe school's so soon!

my dad is screaming again. it still manages to bother me -- not sadden me, just aggravates me that he can't be happy. we went out for his birthday dinner and the whole time he talked about work, how he screamed at some dude. who cares, ya know? all these people i see, i ask myself why they can't love christ like the people i know and like me, why they can't manage to be happy with what they have. we have a huge house, we're definitely not in a situation of poverty, our family is great ... well, his family isn't all that wonderful. it's a bad situation. and then his moodswings. gosh.

i say it doesn't sadden me, but then again it does. it saddens me that he spends too much time complaining instead of loving god. through camp i have learned that we all need to be devoted to god -- we need to be freaks for him and not worry about anything else. my dad needs to know that christ will be with him every step. what's the worst that could happen? i ask this honestly. i'm not afraid like i used to be. i do sometimes worry about who's going to leave us all next, but i don't worry because i know that i will die someday too. and see jesus.

which brings me to "the question." we all deserve hell, yes indeed, but heaven. what about heaven? sometimes, no matter how much i believe in god or how much i love him, it feels like i can't say that i will go to heaven. i want to say it because it truly feels like i'm heading in the direction i've been shooting for, but then again saying it makes me feel conceited. and then people ask you if you think you'd be going to heaven. if you said no, people would think of you as an athiest. if you said yes, you'd be conceited. so i'd just say i don't deserve heaven. because in truth, everyone deserves hell. i don't think i'll ever be perfect. i know i won't. but as long as god's by my side, i'll be perfectly fine.

this feeling is so great. i can read the bible without being bored. instead of putting myself through misery by just starting on genesis and reading all the way through the revelation (which would take quite a while), i know that i can just throw a page open and read. i don't read just to say "oh, i'm a christian, look! i'm reading the bible!" i read because i know that i can learn something from it, get closer to god. foster said that what counts isn't what you do on the street in front of everybody -- it's what you do when nobody sees you, when you're in your room by yourself. my love for god feels real.

well there are two chapters i found that are awesome, and i'll include them in a later entry. but i always say something and never do it, lol. but that's okay, i think i'll do it this time.

<333, au†umn

HOLY MOLY ... GOD IS HOLY!
oh my stinkin' gosh, you guys. i have so much to tell that i think i'll just talk until long after i die.

okay let me start at vermont. i haven't been there for so so long, and got to see my cousin, liz, whom i haven't seen for about two years. she's pretty awesome, and one word we both used to describe our time together was "books". my gosh! we went to like, four book places, and one place was like a stinkin' book heaven! they had hundred-year-old books for a buck, so i got like 10 books there, and 6 books in other places. good deals everywhere! there's a lot i learned while i was in vermont, and i wrote some of it down, so i'll just type it up here when i get in the mood.

after that, mom, jeff, and i traveled a short four hours (and i say short because, compared to sixteen hours ... need i say more?) to see my aunt barbara and uncle paul. my aunt is just AWESOME. she's this kick-butt artist and just like a friend to our family. we had so much fun! let's see ... that's where we got a few of those sixteen books -- we went to this place called the book barn, and they had good deals too, so that was a good find. we traveled all over, and went to my aunt's college (lyme college, something like that -- reminds me of the deer desease). she's in her fifties but has so much energy and happiness! she's like, half my size and has this cool-kid short hair and glasses. by looking at her you can just tell she's an artist. all her stuff is AWESOME -- she showed us her studio, even though she need not, since her whole entire house is basically a studio. there are a bunch of nudey, humongous drawings all over the house, ha ha ha. so if you try to look one way to escape a nude picture, there's another one even closer. nekked people, everywhere! lol. don't worry, i have nothing against naked people. god made us that way until the whole fruit-on-the-tree incident. and then here we are thousands of years later with entire industries built on the manufacturing of fashion. i don't blame god for wondering what this world has come to, lol. but anyway, we saw my uncle too -- he had cancer a while back and it was totally gone, then recently they found traces again. so he's undergoing chemo, but still has his humor.

but after that was the real retreat from home. i went to a camp called big frog in tennessee (www.hornscreek.com), and oh my gosh ... i can't even describe how genuinely AWESOME it was. awesome is somewhat of a cliche now, and so it sounds somewhat bland, so i can't really paint the colors of the place with one word. here we go ...

the robbie seay band played for the worship services, and they were phenomenal. the atmosphere there was so full of love and just a true feeling of god. you could just feel god's breath surrounding you, and his hands lifting yours up. everywhere you turned, people would get onto their knees or raise their hands up to god in sheer love. i have never been changed from one experience ever, especially in such a short span of time. a man named foster (i think that's his name ...) did the sermons, and you could just see god right in his eyes. you could hear god in his voice, see god's adoration in his eyes and smile, see god's happiness in ever excited syllable and jump. you would expect a speaker to be a soft, gentle man -- and foster was -- but he just wasn't some little preacher boy. he was a hulky guy that used to play football, and in his voice you could hear the voice of a football coach. every word was either booming or comfortably low. his sermons were just amazing beyond description -- i took some notes, i'll have to include them in here.

before that trip i thought i was a christian, just because i loved and believed in god. but it is SO much more than that. loving god is devoting your entire life to him, without something else in your life that satisfies you. if god isn't your 100% satisfaction and light and breath and love, then you aren't a true believer. if there's something else you HAVE to have in your life besides god, then you aren't a true believer. foster was so amazing that i am still speechless and amazed by his words. he is such a wise man, and i just wanted to go up to him and squeeze him until he threw up all over me. i didn't end up speaking to him because he wasn't in a place away from the crowd. but now that it's all over i regret not blessing him. the one time i saw him personally, he was standing on the stairs of our cabin with some of my bunk buddies, and all i could say was "i'm so so happy!" i can't exactly quote him but he said something like, "that's great, sweet heart" or something saying something like that. but it wasn't a sarcastic one -- it was this gentle voice that told me he was happy for me, that told me he knew i was happy because that night had brought me closer to god.

every night i had to choke back my tears. 90% percent of the time i have no reason to cry, it just comes, and i can't really stop it unless i cool down for a while. i'm just a sensitive person, i guess. but i rarely cry in public, and if i'm inches away from it, i speak in little words or just use body language to answer a question. one night, foster even said that some of us really needed to cry, that some of us really needed god in our lives and we needed to feel him.

every night i was just so hit by god that i could feel his hands burning on my heart, lifting my hands up to him. it was like a magnetic force was in heaven, like gravity was switched so that our hands were being pulled up instead of down. the band just filled our lungs with love and this completion to our lives. every night i felt all filled up with jesus, right to the brim, almost spilling over with the blood pumping from my heart. i can still smell the air and feel the temperature of the pavilion and see the candles and robbie, dan, ryan, and taylor breathing in god's air and doing their thing for christ. it was so amazing. no other feeling in the world can ever give me that feeling. no other feeling at all.

but i didn't cry on sunday, not monday, not tuesday. but wednesday was our last night, our last worship service, and our last time hearing foster speak to us with his bold words of wisdom and love and life and jesus, all meshed into beautiful words. we had communion, and greg (leader) told us how sacred it was. i never really prized it that much before -- i just knew what it was for and respected it. but that night, every step i walked toward the line i told myself what the bread stood for and what the juice stood for. i picked up the bread that foster was holding, then dipped it in the blood of christ. the juice was blood red, and really looked like the blood of a human being. i took it and held it in cupped hands for a while as i walked back to my spot, and as i ate it i didn't get the electric shock like some people speak of. i just got the taste of juice and bread together. but then i prayed as i sat down, and robbie seay and the guys started to play some songs, and i was just overwhelmed. i had not cried yet in those four days, and the clock had chimed. it was my time to, and i put my head between my knees and just cried. i was so overwhelmed by god's power and his love, knowing that i truly needed god in me. i had felt him tapping on my shoulder (as foster would say), and i had felt in my heart, but the whole week i had been numb. i had been numb to my feelings and thoughts, and i didn't know why. i was just numb to everything -- i wasn't ignorant, just numb. it wasn't a willing thing, either. it was just there. but that night i actually felt everything. it took me a little bit to stop crying, and i wiped the tears off on my shirt. i took a few deep breaths and then stood up to sing and worship, and soon i just had to cry again. i had to. i could feel god opening up in my heart and i felt his grace and awesome-ness, and with that came tears. i put my bible and notebook on a table as everyone sang and worshipped and then walked over to jessie, who was a little bit away from me (we were all spread out since we'd been in different happy groups), and just cried onto her shirt. we held onto eachother for at least a minute as we both cried. soon i heard her praying for me, even though i didn't get every single word since my ear was buried into her. but i heard her bless me and pray to god for me to let go of everything, and thank god for me. i didn't get every word, but she was praying for me. every second of emptiness that had consumed me in my entire life was then entirely gone. i haven't even known jessie for a year, and i've already cried on her as she's held me. i haven't even known jessie for a year, but god has brought us together like we've known eachother for years.

after that i was pretty much on a hugging spree. knowing that i could cry to jessie made me feel so happy, and i couldn't help but be thankful for all these girls that god had brought me closer to -- or even vice versa, too; these girls had brought me to god. it was aly and britney who had connections with the church. britney had told me about camp, and aly and encouraged me go to wednesday services. all this together led me to the greatest experience ever -- developing a personal relationship with god. you don't truly know god until you are best friends.

through this time i have looked back, sorting through all my friends of the present, maybe the past. i could swear there's someone that's always been there with me, no fights, no abandonment. i could swear i see a face -- the good traits of valerie mixed with those of a britney, kerin, and an alex. but it's like something's not right. i look back and say, no, autumn, you've never had a perfect friend. when i'm mad i say these things. i am so reluctant to have the friends i do, because most of them hang with the right crowd. and if they don't, they still have traits that have taught me many things about life. but through all the horrible moments in life -- when i passed out and fell on the concrete, when i fell into a huge ant pile, when valerie suddenly disappeared, when i felt betrayed by my friends, when issues were tearing my family apart -- god was there. god was that one friend. the one thing between me and a concussion when i hit the ground was god. he caught me when i fell. from those moments on, when i asked myself, "who was there?" god was boiling up inside of me. he had a little chisel and was chipping away the hard parts of my heart. he wanted me to endure hard times because he loved me. because, if it weren't for those hard times, i would not have been broken. god seeks those who are broken and squeezes their hearts until they explode. last week, my heart exploded. and thank god for that -- because i needed it so bad.

the last night, foster didn't have one of his usual long, captivating sermons. greg even told us not to have any expectations of what it was going to be like, and i bet that everyone had their own. the grand finale speech, the amazing music. foster's sermon was a short one, speaking of how he hoped that those who weren't broken would be, and how maybe we would stop letting god tap us on the shoulders and let him touch us. it's quite ironic that foster's shortest conversation with us put the biggest impact on me. i believe it was that night he asked us to stand up if we had surrendered to god, and then tell god. every minute since then i have been kicking myself, asking why i didn't stand up. i want to tell anyone that's reading this that you should never be scared to stand up and tell the entire universe that you have given yourself to god. i wasn't even scared ... i guess the fact of standing up and having everybody's eyes bear into me made it hard. but who am i to say that? it's no excuse. if you receive god, then you receive him, and that's that. and if you truly receive him then what comes with it is being unafraid to stand up and announce it.

that night i felt closer to everyone in that room than ever before. that week i became friends and met more people than i'd ever met in that period of time. i thought that age would be a sort of barrier, but it really wasn't. i got acquainted with some of andrew's friends (they're awesome!), and met a bunch of great girls there. stacey was the leader for my happy group, and she was so so sweet! she's such an awesome girl, very kind and understanding. there's always a light in her eyes and a smile on her face. jessica was in our room (me, jessie, terry, britney, alex, aly, sarah, becca, jessica), and she's a really gentle girl that's really wise and mature. i've never ever in a lifetime met someone so sweet. she speaks her mind so as not to offend anyone, too, and that's a really awesome trait. it's been less than a week and i already know that i can talk to her about anything.

let's see, i met this little boy named daniel, and he is just adorable. he's such a lady's man, and is always putting his arm around a new girl friend, lol. james is this cool kid with dimples that's always joking and smiling. hap is a longtime friend of the girls, and is a really cool, funny guy. spencer and zach sat in front of us on the way to camp, and they're pretty cool too. there are SO many people i met, but i'll talk about all them later. i'll talk about all the activities, too. sheesh! there's so much to tell. and the bus ride home, too! it was soooo funny ... and there's so much to tell about everything else. ah! well i'm done for the day. the night. the morning. whatever. it's two a.m. now. i'm getting old. i need sleep. gah! god is so awesome!

<333, au†umn
"we have good reason to celebrate, good reason to sing out loud, good reason to dance for joy, good reason. sing people sing, dance people dance, he wants to hear from you. let the hands of his people be raised in joy, let the feet of his people dance forever, let their voice speak truth to all the world. speak with your lives, he wants to hear from you."

DREADING THE DAY ...
hm.

i don't wanna run today ... partly because i didn't run much at the beach, therefore i have no progressed in my running stages. gah. drives me crazy. and plus, i have to pack today! and i can't believe we're leaving TOMORROW ... and that i'm not sure if my mom's even told my dad that we're going to go to vermont for a week -- that we're going to drive for about twenty-four stinkin' hours and pass through twelve stinkin' states to see half our relatives all the way up there. yippee doo. i'm excited but right now i'm just ... tired -- even though i can't wait to see everyone; it'll be fun =D. i have an eye appointment to get the rest of my contacts at 1, then andrew's game tonight. and i don't want to miss that game. it's a home game, come on, it won't hurt -- no traveling =D. don't want any sixty-minute drives to a baseball field across the state. we'll be saving that for tomorrow, thank you.

i'm getting nervous about school now, and i'm not exactly sure ... but i think it's because of that feeling you get for the first year at a new school -- that awkward feeling of newness and adjusting to some place totally different. i hate that feeling! i can't really describe it, though -- it's just like, you never get used to walking down those new halls and classrooms and getting used to the new teachers and your desk and classes. i mean, yeah it's exciting, but everyday for that year it just feels ... new. last year we were all at the top of the school, us big macho eighth graders (ha ha ha ha ha ....), and now we're ... freshmen. that word! freshmannn ...... it sounds so ... underclass. lol. I WONDER WHY, AUTUMN ... maybe it's because freshman ARE UNDERCLASS! lol. *hits head against wall*

i swear, i'll die on the spot if i'm not in any classes with my friends, or if i get all crappy classes with all crappy teachers. since i had all good teachers last year, i'm going to have to pay for it. this year i just KNOW that i'm going to have crappy teachers. if i'm not with my friends ... i'll demand a schedule change. lol. gah. i reallllly want that design class! i need it in order to take my photo classes next year. and ohhhh dear my photo classes are very important ... lol.

i'm just nervous. nervousness is not fun. no siree bob. =\

well i'm gonna go. gotta get ready to go to tha doc's to get me eyeballs in tight so i am able to see a foot in fronta me. (irish accent) g'day now.

<333, au†umn

"breathe peace, breathe your peace on us, so we might breathe you deep. breathe peace, breathe your peace on us. land of living god, if we are in the way, move us to the side. god forgive our wrongs, rest your hands on us, all the world is yours. let us not forget, it was you who bore the cross. god of comfort breathe."

((this is the band that's going to be playing at big frog this summer. they're actually really good -- check 'em out at www.robbieseayband.com))

WOO!
just got back from the beach yesterday. i won't say that it was exactly a blast because i didn't get to bring anyone with me, but it was still really fun. let's see, valerie was at florida, clare had her birthday party that week, alex went to the beach that week, and britney was in denver. so that explains why i brought no friend, lol.

well let's see, i can't wait to get out of this house again. my dad is driving me absolutely insane -- he screams everyday about his job and how much he hates the people he works with. he curses so much that i just want to throw something, and he always uses god's name with it too. i hate it so much. right when i was having a good time, we get home and everything's back to normal again. i hate how he's so ignorant one second, then the next second he's nice as can be. that makes it hard to tell him how much i hate his screaming -- because he's nice a second later. i woke up this morning to my dad's angry voice traveling up to my room. i can hear every word on the second floor when he's on the first floor screaming.

but besides that, i'm still happy. i could jump with happiness, and i'm not exactly sure why. maybe it's because britney's coming back today? i guess so. i haven't seen her in suchhhhhh a long time -- she's going to show me all her pictures when she gets back. she went to all these states around colorado and saw all these beautiful places, some of which i visited a while back.

speaking of beautiful places, THE BEACH. MY GOSH. i took a walk on our last day there and walked to the end of the island, on the beach. it was just gorgeous, i can't describe it. i was at such peace with everything ... the sound of the ocean can just lull you to sleep. it gave me such a calmness to be able to be by myself and watching the waves and the sandbar in the distance, without hearing any angry voices or criticism from brothers. it was just so indescribably beautiful. i wish i brought more than one camera! jeffrey got hold of mine and used up 18 of the 27 pictures on who knows what, lol. so the remaining pictures i spent on john skimboarding. (john? john? why couldn't i think of another name for him ...) he's trying to stop dipping (tobacco) so he carries around a bag of gum and spits it out just like dip. it's hilarious! he's pretty cool but sometimes he rubs off andrew. but that's okay.

speaking of john, my dad collects cigars and wine, and john's trying to quit tobacco. but here my dad is -- he basically encourages him to have a cigar! it's ridiculous! how can you approach a young man who's trying to stop tobacco and offer him a cigar, acting like it's no big deal? my dad is so off sometimes that it just gets to me. he's so shallow -- always thinks of things his way, always him. and then the next second he is the nicest man, joking with you and giving you hugs. er.

gah. i'm such a bad runner! i wish i ran more after the track season. i've started allll over again, and i suck. er. and missing two weeks of practice for vacation doesn't much help. i missed one for the beach and i'm going to be missing another this coming week because i'm going up to vermont to see my aunt and uncle, grandparents, and cousin liz (whom i haven't seen in a couple years). i'm excited, but not about missing more practice. but hey, i can always run there. that's a better alternative to not running at all.

hrm, let's see. i'm getting back to the songwriting front again. there's so much i'm going through, but i'm just so ... happy. maybe it's because i'm realizing more things and learning more things about life and getting closer to deciding what my future is going to be. i want to go to jamaica or africa on a mission next summer, which will be awesome, and i've decided that i want to adopt a child when i get older. angelina jolie is my new little "idol" (besides christ ... it's a sin to hold someone higher than christ. of COURSE angelina jolie isn't more of my idol than christ, lol). everyone thinks she's so wreckless and irresponsible and all that crud. but i watched that interview with her and barbara walters and had read an article on her earlier, and i was wowed. she has such amazing views of life, and barbara walters over here thought she was crazy. i don't like that lady now, lol. well anyway, angelina jolie was talking about how she adopted her son maddox from cambodia and how they take trips to cambodia a lot, because she thinks his culture is very important and so is the religion there. she wants him to know that when he gets older, and that's how i feel. lately i've been thinking about heritage and society and culture, and how people nowadays don't care much for it. i don't see how people don't care for their roots ... i just don't see how. i hate how some african-americans have abandoned their heritage for the kind of rap music that talks about sex and "bling" and crap like that. but i truly admire the ones that make music and poetry about who they are and where they came from and what the music does to them and what they have learned from their past and ... what really matters. nobody wants to hear how you did something with ten girls in one night or what you had to do to get a million dollars and a watch with pure gold and diamonds on it. at least, i don't care. i don't care at all. some of that crap they selfishly call "music" is just so they can earn their stupid bragging rights. i'm sick of what the world is becoming. there are children without food and water and clothes and shelter and they have the nerve to rap about "bling" ?? you tell me if there's any righteousness in that. the only good rap song that got famous was "what's goin' on." (and by the way it is a kick-butt song and i'm still in love with it ... even though it's really a classic and they didn't write it) for once they came up with a purposeful cause that didn't have their first names in it. AMEN.

*deep breath* that felt good.

i've been really agitated lately ... "disgraced", i guess you would say, with people. ignorant people, in general. people who spend hours online talking in message boards about how these people are wannabes and those people dress horribly and these people belong to a fad. give me a break. i'm sick of that. this one girl posted on aol that "punks are wannabes and they belong to a fad that quickly dies" and then she was talking about how she was "proud to be a prep" and all that crap. it's freakin clothing. no wonder god was angry when adam and eve discovered they were naked and wore clothes. because he knew that one day people would be made fun of for wearing them. some people can't help it, ya know. aren't there better things to do in life than go online and make fun of people for what they wear? sheesh. i'll post what i wrote back to her in the next entry.

but now i'm going to go and endulge in my mysterious happiness and the fact that speaking my mind feels SO GOOD. lol. i definitely thank god for my first amendment rights ...

<333, au†umn

"hey love, how do you do? this is another day i'll spend without you. i wake up just to fall asleep; how many tears must an aching heart weep? right now you seem so far away, please love, come back to me someday."

(p.s. badge is the band with aj trauth in it -- that's twitty from even stevens ...)