MY SONGS
i mentioned posting some songs earlier ... and i'm not going to cross country today because there are a bunch of thunderstorm warnings (but i bet there's practice anyway, because i'm lucky like that), so i'll occupy myself with this. the next few posts will be kinda like roughs of some stuff i wrote. they're kinda bare, i guess you could say, and they're all free verse. so "bare" with me here! tee hee. tee hee ...

FIRST POST =)
well there's not much to talk about, except that this is my first post! yippee! *clicks heels like leprachaun* yeah, um ... actually there is much to talk about but i'm just all dirty-feeling and blah. well let's see, those deadbeats at day's inn stole my favorite bathing suit and three of our towels so they've put me in a crappy mood for at least a week. they probably make a freaking living off stealing people's clothes. good for them. i wish i had a lawyer.

i really, really detest those day's inn people ...

certain people are really confusing me. i mean, it's mostly me confusing myself but they just sorta help me with the process. i have been really unsatisfactory with myself in everything -- there's nothing i do that feels decent, no matter how hard i try. it feels like nothing i do will ever be good enough for anybody, either, so that doesn't much help.

and to make it better, it feels like i'm back in the beginning with hal. that boy ... i mean i love him tons, but he drives me insane. he does that flirty-tirty crap like i'm still crushing over him, after even a year. but that makes him who he is, i guess. i wish he acted that way because i was his friend, not because he thinks i'm infatuated with him. months ago he was talking to me like a normal person, saying hey and all, and now he walks up to me just so he can turn away and say hi to my little brother. i just wish he understood that i don't want to be looked at as a little kid, and that i'm smart enough to know that, yes, he is messing with my head. but that's life, right? the un-happily-ever-after story that actually exists, because life is just ... like that.

err. i hate fairy tales.

i was remembering old stories that my mom was telling me about when i was younger. and i hate how i've grown to be -- i wish i could be how i was when i was five -- carefree and so joyous and just so ... individual. nothing could break me then. every year that i grew from then, i lost that, piece by piece, and it really frustrates me. i'm so much more moody, and i hate it. the bad part is, sometimes i can't even help it. but i guess working on it will help. my patience reallllllly sucks.

and my brother ... now that situation just plain sucks. i don't know how to be close to him, how to be a "cool" sister that he won't be embarrassed of. a sister he can have fun with. he's already graduated and i know that it's too late to be a friend to him. i'm mad that he's graduated -- only me and jeffrey now. now i'm the oldest one, and i don't want to be. i think that older brothers keep you humble. having somebody patronize you everyday does kinda help your humility, if ya know what i'm sayin ... i'm really going to miss him. i don't even remember a time that i've hugged him. isn't that horrible? i wan't him to accept me and love me like a love him. i know he loves me, but i know that he'd never show it. i just hope college helps him realize the same things that i've realized -- life is too short.

i have a thousand more thoughts to jot down and a thousand songs to include in my entries but i'll do that later, when i have more time. i love you!

<333, au†umn

"and i've learned the written words are not the same, as when you take the time to say it and let the clouds release the rain."