I AM HUMAN.
a lot of thoughts and emotions racing through my head. and OH, SO MANY. i can't even begin.

learning more and more of my nature. from god through donald miller i have learned that i am quick to attack but slow to love. through god and my own experiences i have learned that i am indeed selfish, but human nonetheless. it reminds me how much i need god to keep me sane... or just plain okay. feeling fine. feeling like i don't need "all this." i don't know. crazy stuff.

there is so much i am torn up about- stupid things when i feel like i am alone or just helplessly left out. i could expand on that but trust me, i would go on forever. but i'll live, i promise.

i am overly affectionate and i think it scares people. i don't want that to keep me from getting close to people. it's really scary and bothersome to realize that my own displays of affection, something so small, can keep somebody from wanting to be my friend, or wanting to talk to me, or anything. it is. but it's hard... i mean, it's the way i am. i love to give people big hugs and gargantuan smiles. but let's be honest. other people don't like to be touched. and that is perfectly fine- i mean, i am affectionate because it's the way i am, and they aren't because it's the way they are. but whatever.

been thinking about the future and stuff- ze husband, ze marriage, ze love, ze jesus (trying to be french or italian or whatever). okay, maybe that is my attempt at un-mushiness or un-seriousness. i'm just looking forward to having a husband, having a family. i can't tell you how awesome it is just to think about spending the entire rest of my life with a man who loves god, a godly man who loves his kids and his family... like jesus loves. and, as donald miller always does, he got me thinking. about how my marriage should be so with god. how i am married to christ... it's how i should be married to my guy. and vice versa. i can't really describe this at all... it's just amazing. being married to christ, that is. and of course, not in a sensual way whatsoever. just complete devotion, true love. true love, guys. not fairy tales. i'm talking gospels here. i don't know... it's so overwhelming to even think of. wish i could describe it, man oh man! well i guess that's why you have to read "searching for god knows what" !!!

man i was really hoping i could get all deep in that. hm. leave it to mr. miller. yeah.

in christ,
autumn



I remember when I'd run to You
Through fields of white flowers
Your embrace was my air
How I needed You there
All of the world and all of its powers
Couldn't keep Your love from me

'Cause I need You like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need You here like You've always been

Then I waved goodbye to You
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I was too proud to see
That all of the world and all of it's powers
Couldn't keep Your love from me...

I need You like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need You here like You've always been

Now I'm looking up at You
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I'm so proud of You
All of the world and all of its powers
Couldn't keep Your love from me

RELATIONSHIPS, FEELINGS, AND THE LIKE.
words to describe me. easily: frustrated, judgmental, critical, impatient, jealous, depressed. and all the while i am fully aware of it.

that was a brief pondering moment but more has been on my mind, mostly regarding those little adjectives to describe me. i was reading don's book about how we as christians sit here and base our stance with god on how much we know, how much we feel, how we act, etc. we say, "i'm at a bad place with god because i just feel dirty and like crap" or "i'm great with god. man i talked to much at bible study last night and knew what i was saying." while those may be exaggerated, that's basically what we're thinking.

to give some background, don is all about christianity being relational and not formulaic- which is completely true. and it reminded me that i have been basing where i am with god by ridiculous standards. when really it is about him and me. not me and my christian friends. not me and my family. him and me. him first, me second. and while i was reading i sat and thought... wow. that's me in a nutshell- not basing where i am with god by WHERE I AM WITH HIM! am i trusting him like i should? no. has it been a lot about me lately? of course. so what else is new. i have neglected what is most important, what jesus died for. my relationship with him. i have carefully unwrapped the paper without a tear, but have thrown the gift to the side. this is what it is.

and don went on to say how in gospel tracts and stuff- which are awesome because many people are reached by them- the gospels are broken down into "man's sin separated him from god; we are saved by christ alone; your only way to heaven is through christ; etcetera." and all those are true, DON'T GET ME WRONG. but if that's all, then why didn't matthew, mark, luke, or john list those out? say all that and end their words? why? because it ISN'T all. if it was, the gospels would have just those words. and so many times we think of these steps and say, yep, that's about it. well no, it isn't. because there is so much in between that is important... and i could explain this so much better if i had tbe book. i'll type his words up later.

well we are learning about evolution in science. most people who know me know how i feel about it. i mean it's important to be taught in schools (and laura, ms. leverett, and i talked about this and i learned from her) because as christians, it's cool to know it so we can defend what we know is true. but anyway, that's not the point. well we were reading about the different types of evolution, and one is sexual. it's about how many male birds are brighter than the rest, so the female birds are attracted and mate with them. this type of evolution basically says that, when the more colorful birds are chosen to be mated with, they end up outnumbering the "uglier" birds, or, rather, the uglier birds become brighter (they evolve to be more colorful). and then i asked my teacher something crazy. it was SO stupid but then i realized that it was entirely relevant. maybe i was trying to be class clown, but i'll get to the point. i raised my hand and said, "well, evolution applies to all animals right? well does that mean that all the ugly humans are just going to die out?" yeah, yeah, i'm an idiot. it was a stupid question. and our teacher went on about beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we don't always base love on looks. and then i realized, though the question was stupid, it, in a sense, proves that evolution is just whack. i mean think of it. evolution supposedly does apply to all animals, all species. then it must apply to us. and if it did, then we would be just like the female birds, picking the "cute guy" 24/7. but we don't, do we? i mean sure, in high school, you're seeing some survival of the fittest in the popular world. but that's not what i'm saying. i'm saying that we aren't little toys that nature plays with. god constructed us so carefully that theories like evolution just can't work out. it just makes sense to me, but then again, (famous words of tyler) "it sounded good in my head."

two quick don miller stories. test yourself to see if you can see what's missing [nothing is wrong with the words- just something missing]: well, don wrote about how he taught this class and said, "i'm going to tell you a bunch of stuff about god but leave something HUGE out. you'll have to see if you can find out what it is." he said, "god created man and woman, our sin separated us from him and thus we live in this sinful and humanistic world. despite that, his love is completely unconditional and, though he deserves everything, we could never give it all back to him. he is THAT great. but though he is mighty, holy, AWESOME, we should give him our all because we love him. not for ourselves, but for him. he created us, he loves us, he would do ANYTHING for us. and one day, if we believe in him, we will have eternal life with him forever."

what's missing? guess and then scroll down [DON'T CHEAT].

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jesus. we miss the point entirely too often.

and one more don miller story. he was with his class and he asked them, "what does it take to become closer to god?" and they said things like, "know your sin separates you; repent; die to yourself; understand his word; love him; etcetera." ALL of which are true. TOTALLY true. but then don was like, "well, okay, let me ask you a different question. when you go on a date, how do you get closer to the girl?" and they said things like, "ask her what she likes; etcetera" and then one kid said, "well, it's not really a scientific process."

it's not really a scientific process. no steps. no, "repent first, read my bible second, then go to church. and then god and i are dandy!" that's where it becomes formulaic. legalistic. conditional. i could go on forever.

but unfortunately... i must go now. i will update later, probably not as often.

in christ,
autumn

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

DUM DE DUM...
better of course. slept on it. glad i didn't vent to the ultimate extreme, and glad i talked to YOU CHRIS FOR 3 STINKING HOURS! lol. and glad YOU REPLIED LAURA BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND BECAUSE I LOVELOVEVLOEVLEOVELO YOU!

man i just want to reflect on this one song by cool hand luke. it's probably been the music of the day for countless entries, but today i'm extra-addicted to it.

Is this love
or something to think of?

We fool ourselves for comfort,
we're swayed by every wind.
And if this isn't true love,
then we can just pretend.
But what is love?

This is love
that you would die for me.

Is this real,
or something to feel?

Confused by our emotions,
confused by what we see.
We trade in our patience,
for false security.
But is this love?

This is love,
that you would die for me.

When I'm falling down,
you save me.

This is how I know what love is.
And I'd die for this.

SIIGGHHHH...
kinda upset right now. and i usually don't get angry i guess. well, about the "opportunity." have to miss it (the first one, at least) because it's on new years day. my mom's excuse was that we were doing family things, and just going to relax all day (aka lay around and do nothing).

i'm just sooo frustrated. i feel like... i don't know. i have never fought inside SOOOOO hard to not talk back to my mom. the furthest it went was an upset face and some heavy steps down the stairs. gosh i'm just so frustrated. i have been waiting for this for so long. and i mean i know that missing this one isn't huge, but it is to me. i feel like my mom doesn't care about my plans. it sounds selfish, i know. i just feel like the baby of the family. like, my brother- even though he IS three years older than me- can do whatever he wants, leave the house whenever, miss a lot of family stuff just to be with his friends or something. maybe because they've faced the fact that he's living on his own now? i don't know. sometimes it feels like i am living on my own. as far as my faith goes. like i'm in my own little world sometimes. i guess that's why i'm such an introvert sometimes. i don't know, i just like to be left alone a lot.

i don't know. just frustrated. i mean, don't get me wrong at all- i love my family so much. i just think sometimes they don't realize how important certain things are to me, like church. my mom is all about, "well you're involved in enough church stuff already" (when consulted with whether i should run track or not). i mean, i know i'm not miss skinny-winny anymore but i couldn't ever go out like that. to be completely honest, my faith just isn't that strong. to miss church on wednesdays, which is HUGE, and church videos on thursday, which just teaches me so much, and sometimes even bible studies if we have friday meets. and track meets are really long, too. i remember sometimes we've stayed on the track until really late after meets, helping put things away. and honestly, my faith just isn't strong enough. it isn't. i remember last year i didn't really say anything about god, and sometimes fell into the ways of people who didn't walk a godly path. it just changed my attitude a bit. but, as jeremy said, "you have to spend more time with people who walk a god-seeking, god-fulfilling path, but as your faith goes stronger you can balance time spent with christians and non-christians." don't get jeremy wrong, he doesn't mean that you should just STAY AWAY from non-christians like demons. but i think it's easy to interpret what he's saying.

but i don't know. and once again, i'm stressing that i love my parents. and i really want to respect and obey them more. i mean i'm not going to sneak over to danny's or anything... but. i don't know. it's just hard. i remember one time when my mom was typing up her annual christmas letter to send to friends and relatives. it was sitting in the printer tray and i read it. i read the words and felt like crap when i read the line, "and autumn's taking that teenage attitude for a spin." direct quote. and i read that like one or two years ago. that's how bad i felt. i mean, since forever my parents have called me the little angel, the little girl. and now they paint the image that i am this girl, picking at her hair and smacking her gum with her hand on her hip, tapping her foot and rolling her eyes. i hate that stereotype, because it's not me. i guess it's because sometimes i get so frustrated because of feeling alone in the family that i take it out on them or something. and chris showed me a cool verse, it makes me feel "un-alone" i guess you could say.

1 peter5:9:

Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.

GLORY, GLORY, GLORY.
well let's see... bio project. and tomorrow will be a fabulous day, i am sure of it. and not because i'm going to some "dude rock-out party with my drinking buddies woohoo!" but rather because i'll be with my family in christ. i'm telling you, that is a thousand times better. no, even better than a THOUSAND times!!!

on another note, here i go to my bio project. i will be locked in my computer room (actually there's not a lock on this door) with books strewn around the floor, so don't call either because i might trip over one... no just kidding. i'll just have to tell you to call back later.

ready to do this thing for god, and his ultimate glory. and not mine. this is SO awesome. (refer to "divine opportunity")

well, enough stalling. this was just meant as a quick update. god's peace, grace, and especially his love, to all.

autumn



Before there was time, there was the three.
Rejoicing in the fellowship of what we dubbed the trinity.
There was no friction, no sight, and no sound.
God created matter--the senses were found.
Soul and flesh were bound.

If seeing is believing,
how do you know what you can't show?
Believe in what you're seeing,
in your heart's eyes, past the disguise.

We have only five human senses,
to ponder a maker beyond our dimension.
Who lives beyond this scope of our feeble eyes,
and doesn't know know the boundries of space and time,
who can know his mind?

If seeing is believing,
then how can you know what you can't show?
Believe in what you're seeing
in your heart's eyes, past the disguise.
If seeing is believing,
how do you know what you can't show?
Believe in what you're seeing,
in your heart's eyes, past the disguise.

One thousand years in a day,
100 billion galaxies,
are but the prince of his works.
A whisper of reality.
Who then can understand,
the thunder of his power,
that filled the seven seas,
and painted every flower?

Now to, the king, eternal. Immortal.
Now to, the king, eternal. Invisible.
Now to the king, the only odd.
Be honor and glory forever and ever.

JUDAISM, PROPHECY, AND SCIENCE.
what was i going to write? oh yes.

i have most likely mentioned this before, but knowing me... i'll just have to mention it again.

i was watching the coral ridge hour (saturday nights at 7 on TBN) and they were interviewing this guy who used to be jewish. and something i remembered was that he said something like "if they had just shown me isaiah 53 i would have believed them!" when christians tried to minister to him.

it's crazy how revealing, how correct prophecy is. the most obvious are psalm 22 and, of course, isaiah 53.

i mean here we have daniel, describing crucifixion pretty much word for word what it is. what he described in psalm 22 could not POSSIBLY describe anything else. and not only crucifixion itself, but CHRIST'S crucifixion. take a look (if you want the specifics, see highlighted points):

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel.
In you our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
They cried to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by men and despised by the people.
All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads:
"He trusts in the LORD;
let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him."
Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you
even at my mother's breast.
From birth I was cast upon you;
from my mother's womb you have been my God.
Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.
Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
Roaring lions tearing their prey
open their mouths wide against me.
I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted away within me.
My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.
Dogs have surrounded me;
a band of evil men has encircled me,
THEY HAVE PIERCED MY HANDS AND MY FEET.
I can count all my bones;
people stare and gloat over me.
They divide my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing.
...Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord.
They will proclaim his righteousness
to a people yet unborn-
for he has done it.

i've been thinking about how awesome god's word is. it's a rock. and i am always reminded as i am typing something in here- that i know a lot of times, my word is mush. let's face it, a lot of times i just don't make any sense. and god always finds a way to remind me that he is a rock, his WORD is a rock. he's solid. IT'S solid. proverbs 30:5 even says that "every word of god is flawless"!!!! and and though the bible is not what i'm talking about- i mean, it is god's word, but john 1:3 says that "the word of god is god." so obviously, the bible ISN'T god. i don't know, it sounds confusing. so i'm not going to try and explain things, i'm just going to throw out some awesome verses. hopefully they are self-explanatory because i don't want to ruin any meanings and distort them. so here you go.

(note: verses used are using the message translation- my personal favorite)
luke 8:4-15:
As they went from town to town, a lot of people joined in and traveled along. He addressed them, using this story: "A farmer went to sow his seed. Some of it feel on the road; it was tramped down and the birds ate it. Other seed fell in the gravel; it sprouted, but withered because it didn't have good roots. Other seed fell in the weeds; the weeds grew with it and strangled it. Other seed fell in rich earth and produced a bumper crop.
"Are you listening to this? Really listening?"
His disciples asked, "Why did you tell this story?"
He said, "You've been given insight into God's kingdom- you know how it works. There are others who need stories. But even with stories some of them aren't going to get it:
Their eyes are open but don't see a thing,
Their ears are open but don't hear a thing.
"This story is about some of those people. The seed is the Word of God. The seeds on the road are those who hear the Word, but no sooner do they hear it than the Devil snatches it from them so they won't believe and be saved.
"The seeds in the gravel are those who hear with enthusiasm, but the enthusiasm doesn't go very deep. It's only another fad, and the moment there's trouble it's gone.
"And the seed that fell into the weeds- well, these are the ones who hear, but then the seed is crowded out and nothing comes of it as they go about their lives worrying about tomorrow, making money, and having fun.
"But the seed in the good earth- these are the good-hearts who seize the Word and hold on no matter what, sticking with it until there's a harvest.

luke 11:28:
Jesus commented, "Even more blessed are those who hear God's Word and guard it with their lives!"

acts 4:31:
While they were praying, the place where they were meeting trembled and shook. They were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak God's Word with fearless confidence.




I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

THE MAGNET.
old feelings back again.

sometimes it feels like i have a magnet inside me and, like a plague, it attacks one small feeling from my past and that feeling becomes bigger... and bigger. and weighs me down, drags me down.

i am not perfect and it's hard to realize that yes, these feelings will come back sometimes. less and less as my faith grows stronger, as i become closer to christ. i can't wait for that- not only getting closer to christ but also leaving behind the petty emotion. the magnet.

i could act happy all the time, but sometimes i feel like i shouldn't. i feel like, if i act skippy-doo all 24 hours of my day (with a smile on my face as i sleep, which is extra cheesy), it will be almost as if i am saying, "as a christian, you are never sad, i promise!" i mean, i'll be happy when i'm happy. but i won't act jovial when i am in fact melancholy. i will try not to exaggerate my melancholy-ness when there is a melancholy moment, but i don't want to hide it. i'm human. i'm a sinner. i don't always have a halo over my head. i think a lot of people are "anti-christian" or overly judgmental of christians because many of us think we have to walk around with a smile all the time, plastered across our faces. fake. i mean, jesus didn't. he showed his sadness (money-changers, john 2:15-16) and his disappointment (gethsemane, mark 14:37). and maybe i am misusing those references because his reasons were completely rational- he was sad because the house of god was being misused and disappointed that his closest friends had not paid enough attention. but my point is, i'm not saying we should stomp around and scream at people, of COURSE not. jesus didn't have tantrums either. what i'm saying as, we should be real. just not like we're people in teletubbie-land (had to add some humor in there. that's just me). the REAL teletubbie land (heaven) is reserved for later, pals. i mean we shouldn't let sadness completely drag us down and rip us to pieces. we should try to be as optimistic at possible. but sometimes, if we get overly optimistic, we become irrational, unreasonable, i don't know. what i'm saying is, we should be optimistic but we shouldn't forget what bad things are going on. i can't exactly put it into words, but i have an example. so jesus knew he was going to be put to death painfully, and he didn't want to go through with all the pain but he knew it was what god wanted. so he was optimistic. optimistic that it was god's will, that humanity's sins would be forgiven- in the name of Love. but he wasn't overly, irrationally optimistic. he didn't say, "yay, i'm going to die for everyone's sins, it'll be FUN! woohoo!" i mean i know jesus was going crazy inside, like butterflies, because he wanted a closer relationship with his people and he could do that by saving them from their sin. but he knew it wasn't going to be "rainbows and butterflies," but "compromise." his life for ours. his death for our true life.

but for now i will throw my arms up and shrug my shoulders, pray, and go to bed. pray that i'll get over the dumb TINY things that get me feeling this way. and i will praise god for the fact that i did not explode- didn't say anything utterly stupid due to emotion. deep breaths, head down for a second. don't say anything stupid that you will regret. don't even shed a tear over stupid little things. don't even waste your time. don't get all stressed. just take a breath. because things are different now that you have christ. you know how to handle these things better because you know that handing problems to christ eliminates them, for the most part. god's got your back autumn. you are completely, fantastically, stupendously... OKAY.

i'm okay.

i'm okay. :)

i am wonderfully fine.

thank you christ.

it takes dumb things to remind you of the big things. like petty teenage feelings to remind you of what your Father did for you.

hm. wow...

in christ,
autumn

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

THE SCIENTIST.
i've been thinking more about coldplay's the scientist and it hit me more about what the song means. and it quite fits some feelings i had felt before... well let me put the lyrics up again. and if you don't want to go REALLLLLY slow through this, skip to where you see the white writing that says READER'S DIGEST VERSION. this is just me going it through...

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
It's only science apart. (this is where there was confusion)

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

well, working the way i do, i have to digest it bit by bit first. so the first couple mini-stanzas. pardon me if some of the lyrics are wrong... i went to a couple sites and all had differing lyrics. but here goes.
Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Ah let's go back to the start.

Running in circles,
Comin' up tails
It's only science apart.
... moment of silence... okay. so in light of repentance, it's saying "i'm coming to you to tell you i'm sorry, that i love you and need you but i've neglected you" (tell you i set you apart). then where it says tell me your secrets, it's saying "i want to be able to talk to you and confide in you again- let's just start over." and that "let's just start over" is part of what repentance is. and that one stanza where there was confusion, i'm just going with the first line- running in circles. it's saying "i've been doing the same thing over and over again," which kind of shows this cycle of sin. okay NEXT!

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.
it's saying that nobody said that doing this sin and then having to say sorry was this hard, that my sin would bring us apart so much (it's such a shame for us to part). and then back to the start, that deal which was basically brought up in the first part.

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.
and this is where the real meaning of the song comes in- the meaning of the title. "the scientist" refers to somebody who is always on the sensible side of things- not the emotional as much as the logical. so in the first little stanza, it's saying "i was just trying to figure things out in a big formula rather than figuring in the feelings (numbers in figures; pulling the puzzles apart). and this next stanza is the most significant to describe the title- especially the last line: questions of science... do not speak as loud as my heart. it's basically the realization that trying to figure things out without using your heart is pretty worthless. and then the last stanza is basically asking for god to come back again, back to the beginning with him.

okay i guess that's it because the rest of the song basically repeats itself, and anything not repeated is easy to understand. and now to everyone's favorite part...

THE READER'S DIGEST VERSION
"the scientist" is basically about trying to figure out everything in your relationship with god without using your heart. it's basically mark 12:30 ("love the lord your god with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength") without the heart, soul, and strength parts. and the song goes on to say how you are just coming before god to say sorry because you want things the way they were before, but how hard it is. and you had tried to figure all this out before, trying to puzzle it all together, but it didn't tell you much because you didn't remember your heart.

well i guess that's over with, sorry i totally wasted your time with this. obviously this is intended more for me than anyone reading it because it certainly took up plenty of time. well my bad!

okay, i promise NO more of this philosophical song-digesting. if i ever post lyrics and interpret them, it won't be LONG at all.

man that was a waste, now that i look at it... okay well it's done now.

and pray for all those hit by the tsunamis. there are so christian missionaries there, and miraculously their church, which is in the mountains, didn't get hit. they are trying to spread christ's word there as they help with the relief effort.

that's all for now.

love,
autumn



O Shachah, where did you go?
O Shachah, where did you go?
We bow our heads and bend our knees,
in a legalistic state of mind.
But if nothing happens in wardly,
we're only wasting our time.

We won't sing what we're supposed to.
We will sing what we have to.

A time is coming and now has come,
to worship in spirit and truth.
Never mind the songs we've sung,
our hearts now must carry the tune.

We wont sing what we're supposed to.
We will sing what we have to.
O Shachah, where did we go to?
O Shachah, we're coming back to you.

Come let us bow our hearts.

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

RIGHT NOW.
i was listening to the millions of cds i got for christmas, one of which was coldplay. after really listening to some of the songs from a rush of blood to the head, i seriously started to wonder if the band was christian. i mean, really.

it's weird because if you listen to secular music (and i'm not saying coldplay is secular just yet) long enough, then it starts to sound christian. and i'm not talking about the rap and the bling. i'm talking about things like, let's see... ryan cabrera. check these lyrics out:

Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Tripping over myself, going nowhere
Waiting, suffocating, no direction
I took a dive and

On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

Been wondering why it's only me
Have you always been inside waiting to breathe
It's alright, sunlight on my face
I wake up and yet, I'm alive 'cuz

I was so afraid of going under
But now, the weight of the world
Feels like nothing, no nothing
(down, down, down)
You're all I wanted
(down, down, down)
You're all I needed
(down, down, down)
You're all I wanted
You're all I needed

And I won't forget the way you loved me
All that I wanted, all that I needed now

if they played this on wmhk, then of course people would assume ryan cabrera sings christian music. he wears a cross necklace sometimes. but then again, in celebrity terms, the cross is all souped up with diamonds now and is basically just a fashion accessory.

weird, huh?

but here are some coldplay lyrics. think of them in god's light.

okay this is "clocks," one of their most popular songs- won a grammy.
Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
You've put me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead

Come out of things unsaid
Shoot, an apple off my head.
And the
Trouble that cant be named
The tiger's waiting to be tamed singin'

You are
You are

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop but you now know, singin'

Come out upon my seas,
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singin'

You are, you are
You are, you are
You are, you are

Nothing else compares.
Oh, no nothing else compares
Oh, no nothing else compares

You are
You are

Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go

here's "in my place," another popular one.
In my place, in my place
were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost,
Oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost,
Oh yeah

Yeah,
How long must you wait for it?
Yeah,
How long must you pay for it?
Yeah,
How long must you wait for it?
Oh for it

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and under prepared
But I’ll wait for it

If you go, if you go
Leave me down here on my own
then I’ll wait for you (yeah)

Yeah,
How long must you wait for it?
Yeah,
How long must you pay for it?
Yeah,
How long must you wait for it?
Oh for it.

Singing
Please, please, please
come back and sing to me
to me, me

Come on and sing it out,
Now, Now
Come on and sing it out,
To me, me
come back and sing

In my place, in my place
were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

this is "amsterdam." the end seems most relevant to salvation or redemption.
Come on, oh my star is fading
I swerve out of control
If I, If I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole.

Come here, oh my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole

But time, is on your side
It's on your side, now
Not pushing you down
And all around
It's no cause for concern..

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see, no chance of release
And I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath

And time is on your side
It's on your side, now
Not pushing you down
And all around
Oh, It's no cause for concern

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down.

Stood on the edge
Tied to a noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won't change a sin
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
and you came along but you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose

not as relevant as the others; this is "amsterdam."
A whisper
A whisper

I hear the sound of a ticking of clocks,
Remember your face, so remember t'see where you are gone,
I hear the sound of the ticking of clocks,
Come back and look for me, look for me when I am lost

Just a whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper

Night turns to day and I still have these questions,
Who just could blame, shall I go forwards or backwards?
And not since today and I still get no answers

Just a whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper

Now I hear the sound of a ticking of clocks,
Remember your face, and remember see where you are gone,
I hear the sound of the ticking of clocks,
Come back and look for me, look for me when I am lost

Just a whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper

to me this is more symbolic. beautiful words. called "daylight."
To my sunk eyes
On my daylight
I saw a sunrise
I saw a sunlight.

I have nothing
In the dark
And the clouds burst
To show the daylight

Oooh and the sunshine
Yeah on a starry night
Ooooh and I realized
Ooooh could I live without
Ooooh could I part without

On a hill top
On the sky rise
Like a first born
Child

On a full day
On a full flight
I feel darkness
In the daylight

Oooh and the sunshine
Yeah on a starry night
Ooooh and I realized
Ooooh could I live without
Ooooh could I part without
daylight

Slowly breaking through the daylight...



and the grand finale. to me this just screams repentance. it's "the scientist."
Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
Its only science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

aren't those words incredible? to me it is all obvious. danny let me listen to this at my birthday party a while back. i didn't pay half as much attention to the words then as i did last night.

on another note, the "tsunami disaster" as cnn calls it. it's devastating. it really is. it reminds me how vulnerable we are to nature. i mean we sit here and expect people to just die in car crashes and overdosages and etcetera, but we never expect a stinking TSUNAMI to come and reek (sp?) havoc. man i'm definitely praying for them. i mean... man. and i know that, in that area, hindu is dominant. i think it made satan happy. which is entirely unfortunate. and completely sad.

but for now, i'm off to get things done. aunt leslie, uncle jeff, and little pel are heading home today and i also have to get quite a few things done.

in christ,
autumn

SOAK IN HIS PEACE...
i guess it's pretty evident that i'm a whiner. and this entry i just wanted to just quit that- it's quite eye-opening to look back and see how much i have complained. whine whine whine. because i'm selfish. i mean, i sit here and i think i have it so bad sometimes, blah blah blah, "it's all about me." i have an attitude with my parents sometimes just because what i want doesn't come in two seconds' time, maybe doesn't come at all. and it's REALLY stupid. i mean, am i really willing to disrespect people or hurt their feelings just because my wants aren't fulfilled? and i take things too seriously or too personally. like if somebody teases me, the old depressed autumn might come back for a couple seconds- or longer. let me give you an example that set off this small chain reaction. so one night my friends were talking/joking and i was teased a bit. so i left and i missed out on the fun afterward. so i felt both criticized and left out, all because i took things too personally.

an awesome brother and christ and i were talking, and he said, "i think i'm over with my teenage rebellion stage. but ah, i shouldn't say that" and he went on to say about how sometimes he still shows those hints of desrespect to his parents. and i was like, man, i've thought i was done with it too, but i'm certainly not. sometimes i act like a THREE year old! sometimes i go so far as to pout or stomp around. that is extremely sad. no, BEYOND sad. that's ridiculous! i am 16 and i still want my way in everything. i am one selfish joe if you ask me.

god and i are somewhat backsliding again. a thought stirred me the other day. well, i have been wasting my days doing nothing. being lazy. and i realize, if i don't even take the time over BREAK to set myself straight with god, to have my quiet time, to read his word, to get projects done, then how the heck is it going to be when SCHOOL starts? or SUMMER? am i going to waste 2+ months sitting around when i could be spending time with god? that's ridiculous.

and though this may seem like i'm beating myself up, it's not. i just need to say this, need to recognize it because if i don't then i'm not going to take the steps to be productive. to go against those "i'm lazy" t-shirts- which, by the way, are stupid. i mean, since WHEN has it been cool to be lazy, to waste time and life?

ah man, i'm complaining again.

i don't know. there are so many times when i just need to sit back and admire god. his peace, how i know i'm going to be fine since he's in control, how he is just GRAND and AWESOME. i can sit here and complain or i can love god, praise him, live for him. and lately i haven't been doing that much- showing that i am his child. i wish everybody knew, wish it were that easy, but it's not. of course not. and that's when god steps in. and lately i've also realized the importance of actions. i'm kind of an extremes person- i mean i used to think words were more important than actions to get your exact point across. so i emphasized more words than actions. and listening to my good friend talk, he kind of showed me the importance of actions. i tend to set things at an imbalance- one thing or another. i'll focus on one thing so much that the other is left kinda dusty in the corner. i need to show my parents i love and respect them through actions, not just words. with just words i tend to send more emotion.

but for now i'm off for a family trip. deep spiritual breaths...

autumn

TOLERANCE.
it is extremely difficult to live in a house with, let's see... at least 8 people who don't believe what you believe?

i am beginning to wonder what my parents will think when i tell them about "the opportunity" (refer to past entry; that is what i am going to call it now). their tolerance is killing me. the anti-bush factor is creeping, too.

do they think my faith is crap? do they think i have no logic and reason in my christian mind? i'm not sure of either. but what i'm sure of is that they believe that believing anything is completely a-okay.

it kind of reminds me of the quote that chris repeatedly says. and it is important, it is meaningful- it's from c.s. lewis. ahh and i can't remember it, but i remember what it means (which is definitely more important than the words themselves!). what c.s. lewis basically says is that living where you live shouldn't be the reason you believe what you believe- it isn't an excuse. here's an illustration: you ask somebody why they're a muslim, and they say, "well, because i live in the middle east." that's a crappy reason, isn't it. for instance, people shouldn't be christians just because they live in america and it's the majority belief.

it makes me wonder what i would believe if i didn't live in the south. but what i do know is that god put the people in front of me to teach me the truth. i wonder how i would've found the truth otherwise if i lived in a place where intolerant christianity was completely foreign.

it's just... so frustrating. i feel like screaming! there are so many people who claim they are christians, and yet i sit there and wonder: WHAT BIBLE ARE THEY READING?!!?!?!?!?!!?

and that's another problem. people just DON'T read the bible. they assume that, if they have the christian title, they need nothing more. sometimes not even god. they have the title, they're going to heaven, "yay, let's celebrate. and let people do whatever they want to. homosexuality is okay, secular humanism is okay, evolution is all true, yay yay yay!"

and then we fall apart. and families are torn apart by divorce and infidelity, teenage pregnancies skyrocket. why? because people are having the time of their lives. because now life is just fun and games. momentary satisfaction.

oh yeah, i forgot. that's the way it is now.

i wonder why?



well now i am just praying for god's guidance, to keep me sane, to speak his truth. people are so veiled from what is true, what is real. and they need two things: 1) a call to jesus christ; 2) a trip to their local drugstore/walmart/barnes and noble for a bible.

if only people could see that i am saying this out of love, out of concern. and you can't love somebody without being worried about them- just think about your parents. they don't tell you to wear your seatbelt because they hate you. because OBVIOUSLY, if they hated you, they would tell you to NOT wear it! it just hurts to see my savior, my daddy, my jesus, hurt because people don't consult him for the truth. they consult a bar, or their own selves, or the O.C., or whatever else. it hurts him, it hurts me, and it hurts everyone else who is missing out because they are not only missing out on TRUTH but ETERNITY as well.

and ouch. that has to hurt.

i just know this is right. because god says so. and i know i don't have it 100% right because i am imperfect and i could never fully understand everything, but i know that things are right because of proof- his word...

but for now, i'm off to get some stuff done, to chill with god and see what he's telling me.

love,
autumn

DIVINE OPPORTUNITY...
well i talked to one of my closest brothers in christ the other night for about an hour. he mentioned this awesome opportunity... this CRAZY opportunity and i am just ecstatic. god's given us this calling, this crazy passion to go out and do something extreme for him. and i don't mean jumping off a building with a parachute and shouting "JESUS IS LORD!" but rather something using the gifts he has given us. something that will proclaim his truth, the truth, a truth that has been hidden for a while.

well i'm going to say that and get specific when we get started. all i have to say is, we're using our freedoms as americans to do our mission as christians.

well about the whole handel-and-chorus-teacher thing. i think i made it seem a little bit attack-ish toward my teacher, when i really didn't mean it like that. my friend brought up a great point- she said the things she said because she wanted to do her job right. i mean, at school especially, what you say is watched by everyone. as an example, one teacher (or at least one) has gotten fired for presenting evolution's flaws in school. it wasn't like he was preaching creationism- he was just listing the pros and cons, i guess you could say.

but i do have respect for my teacher. most DEFINITELY. i know there are so many other people out there just doing their jobs and how they word what they say isn't an issue of primary concern. i just wanted to throw that out because i have great respect for her, and i wasn't sure i exactly showed it last entry. i'm sorry about that.

and speaking of apologies. what i've realized about myself is that, a lot of times, i'm not good at them. it's my pride. this year i realized i had a pride problem. i'm not supposed to be like everybody else and wonder "what everybody else is thinking." i don't get why i do it. i mean the only person whose opinion should matter and does matter is jesus'. duh autumn.

why is it that we know what's right and we know what matters but we don't act on it? why do we consciously sin?

i remember some times, and sometimes this still happens, when i KNOW something is a sin, and i go against it. i'm going WITH the grain. i'm going AGAINST the right. it's insane, because i know what's right. and i go for maybe a couple seconds of complacency. and a couple seconds after THAT i say, gosh, why the heck did i do that! that made no sense! that was stupid!

of course.

i know i've mentioned this before a while back, but i read this in the purpose driven life. in our minds, when satan is tempting us, we shouldn't sit there and fight him. everytime i imagine that i imagine jeremy kingsley with his fists all clenched, saying "D'OH" and making his sound effects. well that was random, but it's what i think of... haha sorry about that. but ANYWAY, what rick warren said in the purpose driven life is that we shouldn't fight it, but ignore it and just turn to god. maybe pray, maybe just reflect on god's glory, maybe even go to scripture. and i've realized that he's right. i mean, by golly, fight satan through spreading truth, through serving god.

i guess what i'm trying to do is refer to a sermon of jeremy's (or god's, rather) at camp. he said, "the question is not 'how close can i get to satan' but 'how close can i get to god?'" sounds ridiculous at first. i bet you're thinking, well duh, i don't want to get close to satan. but see, the thing is, ALL of us (and don't say you haven't) have (or even still do) wonder how far we can go to doing something bad WITHOUT sinning. this would be getting close to satan. like, how close can i get to him without touching him, if that makes sense. this is jeremy's demonstration. he's standing next to a chair, getting really close to the chair. he's like, "heyyyy buddy... aha! didn't touch ya!" and he gets as CLOSE to the chair as he can without touching it. that's what we do. but we shouldn't be doing that. we should go up against the wall (god) and see how close we can get to it! so instead of "hey... not touching ya! haha!" we should run to the wall and say "am i close enough!" does that make any sense? it sure made sense when jeremy said it.

but sometimes we're too busy fighting satan. and when i say fighting i mean we're thinking, "stupid satan! no i'm not going to sin. sorry. nope. not going to sin. nope. shutup man!" and if we do that we're talking to satan! if we keep talking to him, we keep listening to what he's saying. and the more we listen to him, we're NOT listening to god. and another vision comes to me. one of those weird ones. so you're in a boxing ring, bouncy blue floor with red boundaries and everything. and as you're sitting there taking whacks at satan, jesus is just standing outside, looking at you, quietly. he's whispering very, very softly, "autumn... i'm over here." and maybe he's yelling to you, but nonetheless, you still can't hear him because you're too busy replying to satan: "HEY AUTUMN! BE PRIDEFUL!" "NO!!" "YES!!!" "NOOO!!!!!!!!!" ...."... over here..."

well i hope i've provided enough illustrations for today. i'm off to play with my little cousin and learn more about god, hopefully. and then a date.

an infant in christ,
autumn

PONDERING...
it is amazing how much we believe what we hear. especially at school.

besides the topic i have brought up before, the whole deal of how evolution is crap and it is fed to us as a fact, etc. etc. and all that jazz... well i was thinking about the whole thing what my chorus teacher said. how handel's messiah was the type of music that was entertaining his day, how it was written to entertain.

and the holy spirit started to snap his fingers. hey autumn, over here! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!

and i think, god, you're right.

so for background information on the messiah. it is a lengthy piece, a classic composition of about 3 hours. many of the songs are just scripture put to incredible music, while others are words written and conceived by handel. the entire piece chronicles jesus' life- the resurrection, the birth of jesus the savior, praising god, anunciating his glory. all the songs are about god god god, jesus jesus jesus.

and as i sat in the chair, i thought, whoa. that is dreadfully wrong.

and though my friend did bring up the point that teachers are not allowed to express religious views, it still didn't excuse anything.

what i'm trying to say is, our teacher didn't have to fabricate something just to make the point that the "students don't have to believe it." i feel like she could've SIMPLY said, "i am not imposing christian views." THAT'S IT! because the messiah being deemed as entertaining music is, simply put, a lie.

of course god's gong wasn't as loud as when i talked to an incredibly godly woman and friend of mine, kelley. i brought up the fact that we had been singing handel's messiah in chorus, how incredible the music was- and by "music" i don't mean primarily the notes, but the words, rather. how isaiah 9:6 is just BOOM, written out. how it was just AWESOME! and kelley started to talk about how incredible handel was, how he had this vision from god and he just wrote music from that vision. i mean, WOW guys. handel wasn't some superstar trying to get famous by walking his own way. he was like, "god, you are glorious, and you are beautiful, and i want to paint you with my symphony."

WHOA.

this hurts:

"Although a sincere Christian, the speed at which Handel produced such transcendent and enduring music owes more to his gifts as a composer rather than to the passion of his religious beliefs."

i am learning more and more to trust more of what the people themselves SAY than what i hear through the grapevine.

read the quote above. then read the words from handel's own lips.

"Bible, Handel set to work in 1741 to compose this magnificent oratorio obviously subject to intense divine inspiration. He completed the whole work in twenty-two days and remarked 'I did think I did see all Heaven before me, and the Great God Himself'"(Handel's Messiah).

hm...

and check out all that scripture, too! handel was pretty awesome, if i may say so myself.

it makes me "ponder" a bit more. i am looking at some of these websites, looking at some handel biographies. and many of them don't put that he was a christian, what his inspiration for the messiah was, etc. etc. and it makes me think more and more upon the fact that many people with godly motivations are being secularized. or maybe the world is pressuring them to BECOME secular, who knows.

let me give you an example of this subtle type of propaganda. take note that this is an EXTREME example!

okay let's say there's a biography of jesus somewhere:

one night thousands of years ago a baby named jesus was born in bethlehem in a manger because there was not enough room for him elsewhere. many came to see him to give him gifts. he grew up to be a righteous man who walked the life of a good man and didn't care what people thought of him. he died. the end.

don't you think something is missing? where is god's name? if this is true then isn't jesus just like any person who just doesn't walk the walk? he sounds pretty normal to me.

or check out this example:

there was a composer named handel who was very talented and wrote an awesome piece called the messiah. he is one of the most renowned musicians who has ever lived. his music still survives as a classic piece of musical literature even today.

where was his inspiration? what was the messiah about? i mean, who cares about him if he just wrote some music about something nobody knows about! why is he so important? where are the quotes? what the heck did he say?!

let's see, what else. oh yeah:

christmas is a time of gift-giving, family time, and holiday cheer when all gather together to celebrate a wonderful time of year. families get their christmas trees and decorate them with beautiful ornaments that shimmer beneath small, bright lights. pine needles grace the carpet and children shake their presents, wondering what is inside.

captures christmas perfectly, right? NO!! give me a break, people! i mean, christmas sounds fabulous, but what is it about? what's so great about this holiday that people cross of the days on their calendars with read sharpie?

where's the truth, you guys? where did it go? i could go on and on with examples, but it would all be a waste of my time.

but for now, i am off to eat dinner and ponder a bit more.

blessings of peace and truth to all,
autumn

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??