sometimes the wavelengths capture our emotions in a way .. unimaginable
She puts on the light
She looks in the mirror
And cries to herself
It's becoming much clearer that
He's not where he says
He's not hanging with her

She flicks off the light
And she turns with a shiver
And when he comes home
He blood races cold
It's like being caught
In a rough strangle hold
They've done it so long
But for now she'll just keep hanging on

Cause the little things remind her
Of the good times they have had
Whenever she recalls those things
It's hard to think that he's so bad

It seems no matter where she goes
She hears this song on the radio, radio
And when she does she smiles to it
And no matter how hard she tries
She can turn it up
Or let it die, let it die
Even though she knows
He's driving her to ruin

She's falling in love
With a new boy and his smile
But she can't admit
To herself her hearts run wild
Her story time dreams
Of a fairy tale life
Are holding her back
To keep fighting this lost life

So she still holds on
To the hope he might change
But one hundred percent
Of the time he's the same
And now her heart has been smashed
The wheel has been broke
But she clings to the end of that rope

Cause the little things remind her
Of the good times they have had
Whenever she recalls those things
It's hard to think that he's so bad

It seems no matter where she goes
She hears this song on the radio, radio
And when she does she smiles to it
But no matter how hard she tries
She can turn it off
Or let it die, let it die
Even though she knows
He's driving her to ruin

It seems no matter where she goes
She hears this song on the radio, radio
And when she does she smiles to it
But no matter how hard she tries
She can turn it off
Or let it die, let it die
Even though she knows
He's driving her to ruin

why the fuck do i care so much..
INMEMORY

"The Fidelity"

This fall belongs to both of us
Let me take you to a place where you can scream out loud
All the words to your favorite songs
‘Cause that’s the least that I can do
For how much you love me
And I hope you’ve had the time of your life
Thank you for the memories

You’re the only one that can pick me apart
Too fragile to realize
You make me who I am, you’re everything that is real
In my life

I understand we both grew up
And there’s things you have to do
The only thing I ask of you if you ever fall in love again
I hope you find yourself
Someone who knows how to appreciate the way you laugh
And I’m always here for you

You’re the only one that can pick me apart
Too fragile to realize
You make me who I am
You’re everything that is real
In my life

and in the still of the night, all is certainly not ok..
well i haven't written in here since december.. and honestly i didnt think i would ever use this stupid thing ever again. but i needed somewhere to vent because there's so much going on with me rite now and not a single person that i can tell it all to. for the sake of saving myself even more drama.. some things i will choose to leave out because i doubt if anyone reads this piece of shit anyway but better safe than sorry.

We're done. officially and for good. im not quite sure when everything just started heading downhill but it did. he was one of the best things that ever happened to me. i loved him, wholeheartedly and honestly. but if nothing else this relationship has taught me that even when i say i forgive, i can't help but never forget. that one instance, minute as it may seem now, changed me. i dont give a fuck who i hurt now. i dont care about cheating, i dont trust anyone, not even myself. i am changed. i can lie straight through my teeth now without a single worry and i hate that this is the person i have become.

i hope that someday in the future we may cross paths again and be able to greet each other with nothing more than a smile. and laugh .. and reminisce about how we were young idiots in love. true innocent love. and i dont know what's wrong with me but just writing this down is bringing me to tears.

i worry far too much. i check up on him .. i know i shouldn't. i know i have no business doing so but i do. i wish he hadn't returned to that lifestyle. by his own account, this month he has smoked cigarettes, weed, and drunk more alcohol than he knows wat to do with. he continues to assert, however, that he is indeed happy. im so hurt by this. i thought he had truly changed but wat the fuck was i thinking. how dare i think that i could have such an impact on someone's life. im fucking selfish and i know it. i wanna contact him. ask him wat the fuck he's doing with his life.. ask him if he's doing this purposely to make me feel the way i'm feeling now. but i know i won't. he asked me to let him be. and i will. i dont want a relationship with him. i know i don't. i spent too many months crying over him, wishing he would stop being so reckless. we were together through so many things. eventhough we're not together, a part of me thought that he would not return to those things because, in some strange way i thought he would think about me and decide not to. what the fuck was i thinking? why should he? ... he has no reason to do so. i mean nothing to him. and as such is true, he should mean nothing to me.

i digress.

i'm scared shitless. i am moving across the country where there will be not a single soul that i recognize. my parents, my friends, everyone.. will be hundreds of miles away. i will have no mode of transportation. i have no idea how i am going to pay for college. the flights back home. i've never even visited the campus. wat if i hate it? wat if i feel so uncomfortable? .. wat if the classes aren't challenging? what happens then? i am genuinely afraid. i just hope everything works out the way it should.

im so angry and frustrated and afraid. i dont know who the fuck to talk to. i dont know wat the fuck to do. i dont know whether or not i should give a fuck about people. i just want to leave. go away. start over. and forget everyone. goodbye.

tonite's song: heroes die by ronnie day

*sigh* wat a kick ass band!
"Anything"

[Verse 1]
I see your face
In the frame on my desk
It meant a lot
Now it means a lot less
It's just a place
For the dust in my room to rest
I see the letters
That were written for me
They said you cared
And I totally believed
They didn't mention
That five months later you'd leave

[Chorus]
You could've told me anything [x3]
To make me understand
'cause I don't understand

[Verse 2]
I see the bracelet
You gave me way back then
Made it for me
So I'd never forget
It must have worked
'Cause I haven't forgotten you yet
I see the bed
Where we used to mess around
We'd talk for hours
Before you'd go down
That was before
You decided not to keep me around

[Chorus x2]

You could've told me why you had to go
I try to tell myself just let it go
But I see your face, it's everywhere I go

[Chorus x2]

No, I don't understand
------------------------------------------------------


"Take Me Away"

I know we just got here
but i think it's time to go
I didn't want to believe it but now i know
you know who just walked in
and she didn't come alone
I can't stand to see this get me home

Take me away
I'm gonna hurt somebody
take me away right now
how could she say
she wanted more you better
take me away right now

I thought she was perfect
she thought I was perfect too
perfect until she found someone new
now I'm stuck here watching her
I can't take this abuse
what does this guy do
that I can't do?

Take me away
I'm gonna hurt somebody
take me away right now
how could she say
she wanted more you better
take me away right now

Take me away
----------------------------------------------------------------

"Last Call"

[Chorus:]
This is my last call to you
Then I'll give up everything
That we had, that we'd do
And you'll never hear me sing
All these songs about you
So just take this time and think
Just take this time and think

Think about the things that we had
The good times before they went bad
They're not gone just yet
It's all up to you
Think about the dreams in our heads
Layin' awake, holding on in my bed
Why don't you go ahead
And make them come true
I still believe in you

[Chorus]

Think about the plans that we made
Drivin' around while the radio played
They may have gotten delayed
But they're waiting for you
Think about the look in my eyes
Saying I love you the very first time
Focused, not blind
And you said it too
I still believe in you

[Chorus]

Think of everything, think of everything we had
Think of everything, think of everything we haven't had
Like livin' in the Midwest Club
Goin' on our honeymoon in Paris
Makin' out when we're grown up
Listening to the best man speech
From Darren
Think of everything we had
Knowing how it feels to be in love
And kisses that would drive us mad
Going to the Metro
Giving up what we will
Never have again
Will it ever be the the two of us again?

This is my last call to you
Then I'll give up everything
That we had, that we'd do
And you'll never hear me sing
All these songs about you
So just take this time and think
Plans we made but didn't see through
Just take this time and think
Memories, me and you
Just take this time and think
Dreams we had that never came true
Just take this time and think
The look in my eyes lookin' at you
Just take this time and think
Just take this time and think
Just take this time and think
-------------------------------------------------------------

"Faster"

I’m just as nervous as you
last night I took one look at you
and I got this feeling you’re the right one

Now you don't know what to do
time ticks away and you got to choose
you know which feeling is the right one,
the right one

This is what it looks like
this is what it feels like
and this is your heart beating faster,
faster

I'll lose my voice
if you won’t make a choice
I'll lose my head
if you go to him again
I'll lose my mind
if you won't take me back tonight
take me back tonight

I hope I’m not pressuring you
that's the last thing I'd ever want to do
cause you know which feeling's the right one
the right one

This is what it looks like
this is what it feels like
and this is your heart beating faster,
faster

I’ll lose my voice
if you wont make a choice
I'll lose my head
if you go to him again
I’ll lose my mind
if you won't take me back tonight
take me back tonight [x2]

I can't stand this
I can’t just watch you get hurt
you know which feeling’s the right one
the right one

This is what it looks like
this is what it feels like
and this is your heart beating faster,
faster

I’ll lose my voice
if you wont make a choice
I'll lose my head
if you go to him again
I’ll lose my mind
if you won't take me back tonight
take me back

I'll lose my voice
if you wont make a choice
I'll lose my head
if you go to him again
I’ll lose my mind
if you won't take me back tonight
take me back tonight [x3]
-----------------------------------------------------------
"All That We Needed"

If you could come clean about everything
it would be easy for you to be sorry
if you could see all the possibilities
we might not still be standing where we started

oh no
don't let me go for this
don't let me go for this

I might be a fool, you might be one too
maybe we're all that we needed
two wrongs don't make a right
but I don't care tonight
maybe we're all that we needed

you could say we were just a big mistake
I think it's worth making
worth repeating
I would say good things come to those who wait
I would say anything if you'd believe it

oh no
don't let me go for this
don't let me go for this

I might be a fool, you might be one too
maybe we're all that we needed
two wrongs don't make a right
but I don't care tonight
maybe we're all that we needed

Maybe we're perfect but not meant to be
Or more alike then were willing to see
Maybe we're not meant to not disagree
Maybe we're crazy baby

the best night of my life!!
so tonight was the concert i have been waiting for .. for weeks! .. and it definitely lived up to my expectations... the first band was alrite.. spitafield was pretty cool.. and then there was the plain white t's... god they're amazing!! he started by playing songs from the first album.. which i know completely by heart haha ... so i was literally singing along at the top of my lungs... we got there early so i was in the front row... center! it was incredible i was standing rite under the lead singer! ... hehe as i kept singing he kept lookin at me and smiling while he was singing it was so sweet... and i kept sticking my hand out so he walked by and like grabbed my hand and held it for a lil bit .. and everyone else he just barely smacked .. oh man it was so awesome! .. and then after the show was over.. i went out and bought a shirt from them.. and 2 cd's.. yea i know but i heart them! ... k so after i bought the shirt.. i turned around.. and there was the lead singer rite behind me! he like looked at me when i turned around and he was like 'hey! it's you!!" .. i was like "haha hey!" .. and he was like "yea i saw u singing along with me.. thank you sooo much *put his hand on his heart*" .. i was like "aww no problem.. that was a great show!" .. and he was like "thank u so much!" .. and then.. without me even asking he gave me a huge hug.. it was the sweetest thing.. i was like aww ur awesome! .. and then after i got my shirt .. i walked by him and he was like hey *with big smile* .. haha so i was like can i get ya to sign this for me .. and he was like of course! .. so he signed my shirt.. it was incredible... such an amazing nite.. after the show i could not stop smiling to save my life haha! .. i can't wait till they come to town again with spill canvas... u know what a party that's gonna be? that's like every band thaimi has ever been in love with.. all wrapped up into one eventful nite.. it should be absolutely amazing.. *sigh* i can't wait... march 11 will be the only nite that will replace this one in being the absolute best ever haha ... alritey well it's time to go take a nap :) nite nite everyone!

tonite's song: hey there delilah by *THE PLAIN WHITE T'S!* <3

another great addition to my weekend
oh yea one more thing.. that haircut.. that i wanted to get this weekend? yea that's out the fucking window.. cuz i wont have any money left over after i pay my grandma back.. so the only thing i was looking forward to this weekend.. is gone.. surprise surprise! :D

life is shit right now. i am so ready to fucking move on .. u dont even know agh.

i just had a fucking breakdown..
applying to college is seriously stressing me out.. it certainly doesn't help that i am applying to 6 different fucking schools.. and a shitload of scholarships on top of that...

ok so for the past couple of weeks i've been getting my shit together and preparing my USC app online... my essay... my short answers.. my basic info... everything... i have put hours into that app... and so tonight u dont know how happy i was to finally click that stupid submit button...

However, as soon as i fucking hit submit.. the stupid thing asks me for my credit card number... so naturally.. i start lookin for the fee-waiver section.. and i dont see anything... so i just click submit and see if that works.. nope... can't submit without credit card info... i sit there and i freaking check frequently asked questions.. over and over again.. and still... nothing! ... i send the god damn admissions office an email... nothing!.. i call california .. on my fucking phone... they're closed for the day! ....

i finally typed in the word fee waiver into this search thingy and it said that if u wanted to apply using a fee waiver u had to do it on paper.... ON PAPER!!!! wtf! really?! u couldn't have told me that earlier! before i fucking wasted my god damn time! ... agh! .. so naturally i started panicking and looked up the paper app ... after lookin over it i realized it was gonna take me fucking forever to transcribe all that from my comp to the paper.. there was just no way i was gonna be able to do that tonite and have it be quality stuff to turn in ...

i caved... i went and asked my mom if she had money on her credit card to pay for it ... i told her i would pay her back later and i would just get a fee waiver for another one of the apps instead... and what do i find out?! .. she doesn't have enough money on her card!!! agh! ... seriously what else could fucking go wrong! .. so my step dad didnt quite understand wat was going on and was just like so just print it and send it .. and i was like no .. i have to print the application taht u write on.. and sit there and write in all of my answers for everything from the little stuff to the fucking essay responses... and as i was getting that sentence out of my mouth.. i couldn't help it .. i freaking broke down and started crying.. cuz i am seriously so stressed out.. im so worried that im just not gonna be able to turn stuff in on time and that i wont get into a good college because of it ... agh

so my mom.. after she realized i was seriously freaking out about this... she went and talked to my grandma.. and my grandma had a little money on her card so we used hers and my mom's gonna make a deposit on it wit my paycheck tomorrow morning...

*sigh* ... i'm really sick of this... everything is so freaking complicated with the application process... and after wat happened this summer i really feel no desire to spend such great amount of time on any one application because that really taught me that no matter how hard i work on an app.. it still may not be good enough...

im seriously at the tip of the iceberg rite now.. everything is just kinda tumbling down school wise and i dont know how to pick the pieces back up .. i failed a chem test.. i failed a math test.. this may be the worst report card i've ever had... i have absolutely no energy to do anything ... agh.. i can just feel it .. any day now .. the slightest thing like this is gonna go wrong and im just gonna melt down.. because i can't take this shit anymore .. 4 years is really more than any one person can handle... this program seriously messes with ur fucking mind

Those who think that it really isn't that hard or it's not that big of a deal... ur wrong.. plain and simple .. u r.... unless u have endured the program urself .. .and gone thru the anxiety and the stress... then u have absolutely no idea what your talking about and u should definitely refrain from fucking speaking....

ok i should definitely stop writing before i say things that i dont really mean... im just tired... i need a break.. and this christmas break isn't gonna be much of a vacation cuz i have to do my history ia .. which is basically a fucking extended essay in itself... oh let the joy begin...

im done with this shit. im so ready to get the fuck out of high school.

good night.

spill canvas lyrics :)
Self-Conclusion

Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world

"Excuse me, sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right"
My reply:
"Excuse me, miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?"

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
My reply:
"Trust me, girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me"

She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon hopefully"

Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do?
My offer stands, and you must choose

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my atttempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was going to jump too"

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
-----------------------------------------------------------

Bound to Happen

I used to know you like the back of my hand
Until today you held your place
Now you're shifting like the sand
Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of
'Till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be

This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

I used to hold you like it's all that I had
Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad
Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of
'Till tonight you never thought
you'd lose this epic battle with love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into
who we hate to be

And this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same

For what it's worth, I've always admired you
I always thought that we could make it through
Now look what time can do
It took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two
I always believed in you
I always loved you

And this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing -
nothing will ever be the same
---------------------------------------------------------

Secret Oath

I'm rackin my brain
trying to comprehend
how, for some unknown reason, our status will remain as friends
I'm destroying my mind
trying to understand how with little to no effort
you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands

There was not a single spark
when my lips landed on yours in the dark,
but regardless of what happens next
you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet

Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not

We're murdering our lives
trying to make it work,
but you and I both know that we are a lost cause
and nothing more than specks on this Earth

There was not a single spark
when my lips landed on yours in the dark,
but regardless of what happens next
you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet

Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not

Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not

Yeah I know you listen to this all alone up in your room
I know you love how all this music's about you
---------------------------------------------------------

Valiant

There's a special place inside my skull
Where your DNA it codes my cerebrum
In full stuttering and drooling
My shredded throat will try to sing for you

What do you say? Would you marry me today?
The moon would gush all inside out
and my nightmares would go away
What do you say? Would you devote yourself today?
Like riding out a sinking ship as it lowers into the bay
Please stay.

The blood collects and flushes out your cheek bones
I've got this secret garden and you are the only one who knows

I'm stuttering and drooling
My shredded throat will try to sing for you

What do you say? Would you marry me today?
The moon would gush all inside out
and my nightmares would go away
What do you say? Would you devote yourself today?
Like riding out a sinking ship as it lowers into the bay
Please.

I'm cutting ties with all the jealous zombies
I need to feel your warm body on me

When the sun goes down and the shadows grow
Just trust in us and forever know
Please keep holding on to me
---------------------------------------------------------------

Teleport A & B

Alright, that's it, I've had enough, I'm on my way to you
It's nauseating and I'm sick of waiting
for all these pointless calls to go through

But no, I'm not a skeptic anymore
At last I see what all of this ridiculous hard work is for
The moisture in the air is begging for release
and the memory of your stare is raining down on me

Hypothetically if you were point A
and theoretically if I was point B,
we would be, we would be frantically melting
into one massive point
that could overcome anything

Constantly you're working through the mileage in my head
Oh, I'm calculating, yes I'm sick of waiting
How many hours until I reach your bed?

But no, I'm not a skeptic anymore
At last I see what all of this ridiculous hard work is for
The moisture in the air is begging for release
and the memory of your stare is raining down on me

Hypothetically if you were point A
and theoretically if I was point B,
we would be, we would be frantically melting
into one massive point
that could overcome anything

My faith in you could move these mountains I am driving through
It's times like these when I wish I could teleport to you
'cause then we wouldn't have an issue
We're cleverly, strategically
challenging our fright and insecurities,
and never seem to want to leave

Hypothetically if you were point A
and theoretically if I was point B,
we would be, we would be frantically melting
into one massive point
that could overcome anything
Yeah, we would be, we would be frantically melting
into one massive point
that could overcome anything
----------------------------------------------
This is for keeps

The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever

As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover
I knock three times and hope that my pale complexion won't blow my cover
You answer the door with your innocent face
Would you like to leave this human race, tonight?

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally will live our infallible love

My brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust
Your eyes are softer now
and your chin, it drips a bloody color of rust

I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps
Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally will live our infallible love

Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally will live our infallible love

Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town (eternally)
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down (eternally)

can we say kick ass?! yes we can!
hey ya'll :D haha .. i dunno leave it alone :P ... so this weekend was amazing ... friday= day off which already = HOORAY! but yea it was even more amazing cuz shilpa and i went to that hillsborough clean up thingy to get some hours and we saw a couple of ppl we were very happy to see :D .. but after that .. shilpa and i went to the mall and shopped .. and pigged out ... and fell in love wit american eagle.. haha we're such losers.. i bought the cutest lil blue green polo ..

So yea that was friday... moving on to yesterday... well one word... AMAZING! ... i worked all day .. which kinda blew.. but then i got home and remembered that i was sposed to go to a concert with daphne and vanessa.. which turned out to be absolutely amazing .. the lead singer from waking ashland signed my shirt ahh! he was so cool and sweet! i <3 that band :D .... it was great! ... but yea i absolutely love concerts.. i can't wait to see plain white t's on the 16th next month ahh .. so fun! .. anyways i'll update sometime soon ... just wanted to fill ya guys in on the haps this weekend :D ... bye bye

tonite's song: waking ashland- i am for you ... amazing.. and even more amazing live .. *swoons* hehe :P

god i love this band.. can't wait to see em on my bday :D
Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown

I wanna tear apart your room
to see if what you say is true
Darling don't you lie, lie to me
I wanna b r e a k into your heart
to see why you want us apart
Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown

According to you we don't click,
that's a blatant lie and you know it
Angel, what are you hiding from me?
If there is truly another secret lunch-break,
working late lover
then I would die, but at least then I'd be free

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown

POLYGRAPH, RIGHT NOW! - THE SPILL CANVAS

an ode to nice girls like lil' ol' me :D
This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is a homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

aww isn't he ca-ute?!

great band ... beautiful song
Up To Me
by five times august

You want to feel loose
You want to feel how I’m abused, I see
You want to get faded
You never want to concentrate on me
I’m too much of an angel
I’m too much of a saint,
Thought I can’t be
I’m too much of reject,
You don’t expect much from

I want to feel safe
I want to feel like I’m not hated too
I want to get closer
I want to feel the most I’d get from you
I’m too much on the rebound,
I’m too much on the ground,
But you can’t be
You’re always getting higher,
You don’t desire me

So what’ve I got to prove?
What’ve I got to lose
When you’re not worth fighting for?
And why am I feeling down
While you’re out messing around?
You’re not worth begging for

Just wanted to stop by
Just wanted to see you one last time
Just wanted to say bye
Just wanted to get you off my mind
Just wanted to fit in
But then I saw you with him

So what’ve I got to prove?
What’ve I got to lose
When you’re not worth fighting for?
And why am I feeling down
While you’re out messing around?
You’re not worth begging for

It's up to me, It's up to me
And I'm still falling
It's up to me, It's up to me
And I'm still calling

(It’s up to me)
And I’m still hoping
For you to hold me
To let you go
But for all you know
I’m already gone

quiz

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.