Random confessions of a song writer

:: 2006 3 September :: 9.11pm

I kinda just dont know what to think anymore...
But, I suppose I wasn't thinking from the begginning.
*shrugs*
And who really knows when the begginning started...?

:: 2006 1 September :: 9.50am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Promiscuous (how apropriete)

Gah, I have gas like something awful
I always put myself in these positions where i'm thinking "Man, what am I doing? I dont want this. This isn't right..." and all this regret mumbo-jumbo. But I never stand up for myself and get out of it. It's like secretly, I like that feeling. which is odd...who likes the feeling of regret honestly? It's just simply annoying. I keep saying this over and over, I need to grow up. And I hate repeating myself so I wish I would just do it already. I wish when I knew I didn't want something, I'd stop it from continuing, not going back for more.

This is wrong...and I know it. I'm going to lose a few of my great friends if I keep this up, and if I dont lose their friendship, I'll lose their respect. I really dont know which one is worse...

plus - fucking I hate work...!

1 i guess you do then.. | Leave a message if you care..

:: 2006 31 August :: 10.55pm

The never ending party = My Utopia
I was told today that I should find where I stand with God. That I should get to know Him and let him know who I am. But I dont even know who I am myself. Shouldn't I find that out before I show him who I am? And what if there isn't a God, then I just wasted all that time trying to find him. It's like the never ending game of hide and go seek. And what about hell? Why does everyone have to go there? I mean, is it only Jesus and God in heaven? Because everyone is a sinner. No one is perfect. And everyone that tells me to find God and get saved are a bunch of hipicritical in my eyes. I bet 20 dollors that they dont follow all the ten commandments (which I also think is a buncha mumbo-jumbo). I mean noone does follow them. And if they do there is no way that they follow all of them. I dont know. I just find it rediculous. I mean, if we're all going to hell (if there is one) then it must not be that bad because come on, if everyone else is going there I want to go too because heaven would be boring and lonely. And who's to say there is a heaven or a hell? What if this is hell that we're in right now? I dont quite believe in heaven, I mean I dont really believe in anything at the moment but I think instead of going to heaven, everyone has their own little Utopia that they go to. I dont think someone deserves to go to hell let alone appologize for saying "God Damn" or "Jesus Fucking Christ". You only deserve it if you are like a murderer or a rapiest or something. And praying I think is rediculous unless it's needed. I dont pray, I feel rediculous when I do. It's like talking to air. And asking God for forgiveness? I dont get it...Why ask him to forgive me for that beer I drank last night when he hasnt asked for forgiveness when he let my grandma die of cancer, when he watched me get my heartbroken by that asshole, or yesterday when he turned his back as my car broke down in the ghetto? If I have to ask him to forgive me he should ask for forgiveness in return. Because yes I have to power to control my actions and what I do, but I dont have the power to cure illnesses or change the weather or anything. Thats another reason that makes me feel like there is no God. If there was, wouldn't he want his childern to be happy? I'd like to think so. I know my parents would do anything to make me and my sibblings happy, why doesn't he?

I pulled a Jesus fish off the bumper of my car yesterday in the burger king parking lot and I noticed a few funny glares from people, esspecially my friend Ashley (aka - Smashley). Why should I get dirty looks for not letting it look like I worship something that I dont? I dont want to give people the wrong idea. Thats like drawing anachry simbols when you're a republican, or having a "Freedom isnt free" bumper sticker when you live in China.

What brings this up is I had a kid that drinks almost everyday, does drugs, and has horrible permiscuous sex told me that I need to find my place with God. wtf? This kid thinks I'm just the anti-christ I think. I mean we're friends and all but he just assumes that I'm athiest and that I'm racest and all this. I think I just look like a kkk-nazi-athiest bitch to him or something. And that's not how I am. I'm not athiest or racest, I'm just opinionated...

I think if there is a God, I'd like to think that we're on good terms right about now. I stay out of His business, He stays out of mine. I dont ask Him for anything, He doesnt ask for much out of me either. It's an easy relationship to obtain.

:: 2006 31 August :: 10.11am

Fucking the Lebaron took a shit in my cheerios. God fucking damnit. now i'm late for work and i'm just wasting time so i'm even more late. oh fucking well i guess.

Good thing I have an awesome friend like Box to take care of me when i'm in danger though. lol.

1 i guess you do then.. | Leave a message if you care..

:: 2006 29 August :: 9.23pm
:: Music: Tom Petty - You Got Lucky

So I got the internet back! yay!

Gravid and I might hang out tonight

Mindy and I will hang out tomorrow!

Yay! I'm just a happy girl...!=)

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:: 2006 28 August :: 3.15am

So, the Lebaron is in the drive way. runs beautifully. we're best friends. yay! Mindy has yet to meet her yet though. lol. sucks to be her because the lebaron is awesome. yup....and thats just how cool i am for now.

9 i guess you do then..s | Leave a message if you care..

:: 2006 23 August :: 6.44pm

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DOES SOMEONE WANT MY CAT

HIS NAME IS ELVIS . HE IS BEAUTIFUL AND FUN AND FULL OF LIFE AND WONDERFUL AND I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIM AT MY APARTMENT WITH WORKING AND SCHOOL AND I DONT WANT HIM TO BE TRAPPED IN AN APT. AND MY PARENTS DONT WANT HIM

PLEASE SOMEONE WHO WILL BE A GOOD KITTY PARENT.

PLEASE
2315809564 IF YOU WANT TO...

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:: 2006 20 August :: 1.54pm

okay so just a little update on my life

i wake up with roman
go to work
come home
do dishes, clean, maybe go for a run and get yelled at
make food
go to bed witih roman

never get on the internet

and go to the beach alot.

hooray

ookay so i went for a run the other day and this guy driving by yells at me "IF YOU DIDN'T EAT SO MUCH, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO JOG, BITCH!!!"

How fucking mean is that?

so then i cried and went home.
and i'll never run again (not really)

dickhead.

but in all seriousness, the thing that made me the most upset hearing that was that people can say stuff like that and honestly not feel bad.

take a look at yourself people. honestly.

:: 2006 20 August :: 1.34pm

bomb! this is the first time since moving i've been able to use my lap top. i found wireless at the hojo (howard johnson) hotel on 28th street, about 5 minutes from my house so awesome... yay.

um anyway, i gotta do some stuff so just wanted to say, hello woohu. and now good day.

ps. life is pretty good.

1 i guess you do then.. | Leave a message if you care..

:: 2006 17 August :: 3.12pm

sooooo wow.

i still dont have any internet at the apartment... haven't been able to steal anyone's wireless. so now i'm at the wyoming library. which by the way is so cute. it has a little water fall thingy in it. has anyone ever been here? it's so cool. it must be brand new. it even has a little cafe in it. ahh it's so cute. but my main reason for being here is using the internet.

ughhhh money is stupid. i'm getting mad over it even though i really am fine. but whatever.

anyway. i'm still alive. and that's it. that's all you get.

moomoo

:: 2006 17 August :: 7.39am

Its been a while since a really good update. Well I no longer work at burger king, I now work at meijer 3rd shift. So I sleep during the day alot, its weird being on this new time schedule. But I'm starting to get use to it. So basically I've been working and hanging out with kyle alot :). Pretty soon college will be starting. I'm excited but like not at the same time. Not ready to go back to school lol. Oh well only 2 more years right. Well summer has been going pretty awesome. I hope everyone elses is too.

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:: 2006 11 August :: 9.53pm

So, the car is dead. For sure this time. Going shopping for a new one Monday. Yay! I hate that car with every ounce of my soul. But yay! to getting a new one, poo for not getting it until monday because right about now I have no way to get anywhere and by the sounds of it, people I want to hang out with probably arent up to coming to get me. So yes, that fucking sucks but...*shrugs* what can you do? hopefully I'll find something fun to do tomorrow, I cant imagine staying home all weekend...that would be a nightmare. I dont even like thinking about it. Just the thought pisses me off.

:: 2006 10 August :: 2.15pm

sooooo i'm at the davenport library right now. i haven't been able to update in a long time.

i had the photoshoot thing at davenport today, hence why i'm here. i also got lost on the way here since i was coming from 28th street. yeah, that wasn't fun because i was alreayd stressed enough about this. but it ended up being a nice time.

i haven't been able to update like i said, but i ended up moving in on tuesday. roman actually came tuesday too because of work crap and he was just able to take the day off. so that was nice because then i didn't have to lift all the heavy stuff.

living on your own is weird. its nice being with roman but unpacking was stressful and annoying. and i miss my mom. lol i had to call her yesterday because i missed her.

we are finally almost totally unpacked and our apartment is SO CUTE. we have stuff hung up and our cute walls painted. ahh it looks so nice. there are ducks that are outside our balcony in the pond every day and it's just so adorable. i love our decorations and it's just so cool.

we went grocery shopping yesterday.... we found out that we wll be shopping at ALDIS from now on. it's so cheap. and they have good cereal so yeah lol.

i think tonight we'll finally go down the trail by our house. it's so cute. and we haven't had time because i keep having to get up early for things... yesterday was my makeover thing and today was the photoshoot.

jess was supposed to come over last night but hmmm dont really know what happened with that.

but beans was so great and helpful and packed everything in to her car and then tuesday night came over and helped us bring it upstairs . thanks beans i love you!

so yeah... living by all the busy streets is nice exccept for the stoplights. it's nice being like 5 minutes from the mall.

blah blah blah..... so i got the lettinga scholarship which means i have free school here at davenport but the thing is, i also receieved the Buger King scholarship which i applied for a long time ago. soooooooooo then when we got the check in the mail , i t was made out to davenport and not me, sooooooooooooo i'm waiting here for a woman to talk to about how i'm gonna get that money. because if it goes to the school it's pertty much pointless because my school is free anyway.

they were telling me i oculd use it on my books but i already got all my books cheap online so i only have one more book i need to get so i'm doing that with my 1000 dollars.

grr.

anyway. i guess i'm gonna mosy around the interent some more before i have to go... my wireless i guess can't find a connection to mooch off of yet while i'm out in the a[partment. hopefully i'll figure something out soon but for now i duno.

well, peace out.

jess