m&ms487
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2004 22 November :: 12.15pm
:: Mood: blah
I'm sick, and I'm in modern business, and I just typed a paragraph at 109 words per minute.
I want to go to bed.
I should have never done what I did. I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. But you know, now that I did, it's not going to matter, and it's just gonna be bad, and god, why am I so stupid? I knew if I just held on for a little while, it would all be fine, and maybe it would be an out, but no. Now theres nothing.
Stupid stupid stupid me.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 21 November :: 10.09am
:: Mood: curious
{the future of us all}
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a family and be a mother. I know it would be hard, but what is the purpose to all life? To create more life. That is the lasting legacy. Not to mention, getting there is also fun.
Someday I want a house and a family and maybe a cute little dog. Not right now, of course, because i'm still young, I still have a lot of things to do with my life before then, but unlike a year ago, I can picture it all now, and that makes me happy.
2 backstagenone |
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 19 November :: 10.17am
:: Mood: groggy
I'm sick today (I once wrote a poem called that in fifth grade...I'm a freak)
So, I stayed home today, because, lets just say, last night wasn't the most pleasant nights. I have the stomach flu or something of that sorts. It's very, uncomfortable.
I took off all my make up a few minutes ago, and now I look like a little twelve year old. Always fun, is it not?
Today is Rueben and I's 6 months. That seems like a really long time, it's half a year. It's the longest I've ever had a boyfriend. I don't even forsee this relationship being cut short anytime soon, no matter what anyone does, says, etc. I'm a very lucky girl. I think I can sum it all up in one quick equation:
Rueben = Very Good
I'm scheduled to work today, but I'm not sure if I'm going to. It's from 4-8:30. My luck, they'll put me on carts and I'll die. I already feel like I'm going to, so, I mean, what's the difference? And it's out of the question to ask NOT to be put on carts. In fact, if i did ask, then they would probably just put me out there for spite. They're all like that, you know.
We got our chair placements yesterday. I beat out 20 other flutes, and I am first chair. It's crazy how close it all was. I guess I got a perfect score on my sight reading - the best out of the whole band. I really don't understand how that could be, but I must underestimate myself.
Until we meet again.
Michelle
4 backstagenone |
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m&ms487
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2004 17 November :: 9.01pm
:: Mood: calm
ONE thing made me happy today.
The FIRST thing all day.
Thank you, my dear.
but other than that the day sucked, starting at lunch, and ending, well, when i go to sleep.
The serpent never sleeps and is never far from pleasant dreams.
I've learned that by now.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 16 November :: 11.52am
:: Mood: contemplative
You can Do anything, I know it, and you know it, and the day you find out how special you really are, you're going to leave me behind.
So, last weekend was quite, not good. I went to work Saturday at one in the afternoon for a four and a half hour shift. I was given the curbside beeper (when old people or people with too many groceries need help out to their cars, the cashiers press a button and I help them to their car and put there groceries in the car and such) and I there was this one really weird lady who kept her change in old cigarette packs and was really old and sad looking that i had to help out to her car. I did, because, well, that's my job. When we got out to her car, it was really gross, it was filled with stuff, and was all ratty and smelled like cigarettes. Then it happened. She started talking to me about her life, about how her son was having surgery, her daughter was murdered, her husband died a long time ago, and she was all alone, and she was afraid to go in her house, and the guy across the street with an alcoholic wife would bring her mail to her and in her words, "he grabs me and hurts me" and by now I was feeling really bad, but i had to get back inside because, well, i was working. I told her this, and she said, "I understand, you don't want to listen to a pain the ass like me" and when i tried to assure her that wasn't it, she started talking about how she wasn't even strong enough to wash her own hair, so when she comes to the store to be around people, they all look at her like she's nasty and such. By this point, I had stood there about twenty minutes. The whole time I was trying to reassure her that everything was going to be okay. The last thing she said to me before i walked away was, "I just wish they would have buried me in the coffin with my husband when he died". This did it for me. I was walking backing into the store and I burst into tears. I had to go ask Carolyn if i could go on break and I went in the bathroom and cried for my whole fifteen minute break. I cried for me, I cried for her, I cried because life shouldn't have to be like that. People shouldn't have to be scared about other people, or to be home alone, or to be alive. Especially someone who has lived that long. When I first saw her I made the assumption that she was one of those really nasty old ladies, but when she was crying in that car telling me all this, I felt ashamed that I could ever think that way about another human being. She was just as much of a person as I, and deserved as much respect. Probably even more.
Some people are not clean, or have good manners, or look "pretty" or act with the best of manners, but that doesn't mean that they aren't PEOPLE. They deserve a chance to be with us. If there is a problem that you can't stand, then you have the right not to be around them, but prejudgements only enforce isolation. It keeps you from learning about who you are, who you could be. What if you were that old lady, how would you feel? You had nothing left. Nothing, everyone you had ever loved or lived for was gone, and you were all alone, and couldn't even wash your own hair.
Would you talk to you?
4 backstagenone |
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m&ms487
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2004 14 November :: 6.17pm
I'm so tired. I just want to fall away.
School tomorrow, and then the next day, and the next and the next...
does this torture ever end?
Oh, yeah, we die
I have to get off the internet so jessie can call me.
I want to tell her about my horrible weekend, perhaps i'll share it here sometime.
And rueben, call me tomorrow (monday) after 4:30 if you're home and you don't have to work, or get a hold of me somehow.
I love you.
-michelle-
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 13 November :: 10.46am
What is going on?
Why is all this happening?
Can't we all just be in little school again and have those kinds of problems, like going through puburty and being afraid to ask someone "out".
Gee whiz.
1 backstage |
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 24 October :: 3.01pm
:: Mood: calm
I don't quite know what's reality anymore, I'm going back and forth, and it's really all quite confusing, I don't even know how to explain it.
School
Work
Band
Me
Rueben
Future
Now
Health
There are so many things that I think about sometimes, and they all just blend into one, and I don't want them to.
I just want to paint the world with my tears.
1 backstage |
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 4 October :: 4.42pm
I'm leaving for band in about an hour. Eating first, then going. My section doesn't know what they're in for, especially a certain one of them. They are getting bitched at, and not from me, either, which is a change.
I'll be back on after band, for all those adoring fans who wanted to know ;)
michelle
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 30 September :: 6.03pm
:: Mood: curious
I so badly want to know what I'm doing. I don't understand any of this. Lost. Lost in the crowd. Searching for something, searching for nothing perhaps.
Only one true escape, but I don't necessarily want that to become habit. There is no security, but I don't feel that. I feel like things are how they have always been, and I guess I'm scared that when the reality does hit, I won't be ready for it. So many big decisions are being made right now, and there is nothing I can do about them. The future is unclear, and there are so many things that I want to do that I know I won't have time to accomplish. For some reason, when I was little, I never thought about what I would be when I grew up. I mean, there were always the "I want to be a princess" but I could never see myself being twenty or thirty. Perhaps I knew something that I don't want to know. I keep on thinking, for some reason, that I don't have enough time, that I don't have enough time to say what I want to say or do what I want to do. Could I be percieving that I don't? That I'll die young, and I'm okay with it? I don't mean that I'm purposly going to do anything, but the thought just occurred to me that perhaps my mind and body know something so unconscious that I hadn't realized it until now. Of course, I'll probably end up living until i'm 100, but there is still that feeling of not enough time for anything, and I'm not talking about today or next week, I'm talking about in a lifetime.
That's some fucked up shit right there.
In other news, I totally belittled Mr. Carr today. We had a test and I wrote a three page essay (normally one half page) about how white males caused the Civil War and they are stupid egotistical jerks. I wonder if he'll get it. Probably not. The man teaches History and Federal Government and he spelled "Censorship" with and "S" instead of a "C". Smart, huh?
Tried out for the play yesterday, I'll know tomorrow the part that I got. Hopefully it'll be a good one. No jinxing myself here.
I guess everything will be okay, in time.
Michelle
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 30 September :: 5.57pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Irving Berlin/ Nat King Cole - What'll I Do?
Why is everyone falling apart? I don't know what to do to help them all. I don't know what to do. I just don't. I know I can take care of myself, but I'm scared for you, all of you.
You make me hurt for you and I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy.
But maybe sometimes we can't get what we want, now can we?
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 24 September :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: cold
It's not that way.......
1 backstage |
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 19 September :: 8.50pm
:: Mood: blah
I just got home from work....I did carts for four and a half hours. That was fun. Actually, it was the best time that i've done it so far, no one tried to run me over (by accident or on purpose), none of my carts got loose (tight!), and I never had any times when my corrals were overly full, or my holding spaces were too empty, plus it was around seventy, so it wasn't too terribly hot.
This weekend went by fast. I don't know how I'm suppose to have time..for anything. Of course, that's right, I don't. Oh gee.
Maybe I should go to bed so I can wake up for another WONDERFUL day of school. You know, IT IS JUST SO refreshing to walk into a building everyday that reminds you of a prison, oh, and guess what!?! Feels like one too. Oh, and a quick tip, if you drop your soap, don't pick it up. You never know who'll pull up your thong.
I hate that, girls with really low jeans, and thongs half way up their back..but hey, what am I talking about, a small percentage of my school, right? Yeah, 99% is a small number.
Eh, i'm being very.......moody today, I must go to bed, then.
Good night.
Oh, and Rueben, I'll be home around three, call me then!
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 12 September :: 3.19pm
I'm so tired, it's like summer never even existed. This is the part that i hate about school, oh, and that whole "we'll lock you up for seven hours a day using fluorescent lighting so we can kill your spirit, and your eyes!"
3 backstagenone |
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2004 8 September :: 7.31pm
Her eyes closed slowly in quiet rememberance. The thoughts of then slowly crept into her mind. The scenes, that happened so long ago, but seem like yesterday. She thinks of those feelings that she felt, that still remain. Somewhere deep inside her she can tell she's still waiting, still wondering why it all lingers. The purpose of it all is so unclear. The echoes of a million voices reverberate in her head. Which one will she choose? She knows one voice speaks louder than the others, and she clings to it, but still wants away from it. She knows there is a dangerous part of herself, that will do anything to rebound, even if it means destroying all that has been achieved, or at least, appears as such. She wants what she shouldn't, and grieves for what she had, no matter the cost. She is confused at this all, but still cannot understand, and cannot comprehend, so all she can do is patiently wait, until the day arrives, where the choices will be made, and the future will be fortold.
Places in five!
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