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2014 6 December :: 8.36am
:: Music: Daniel Tiger in the background.
4 Years?!
It's been 4 years.
4 YEARS. I feel like so much has changed, but I feel like everything is still the same within my head.
I have a 2.5 year old boy now, who is my light. I am married. I can't honestly tell you how this all happened, but it did.
Here I am. Writing in my old high school online journal.
Why? Because I feel like it will help. Help air out my thoughts and feelings, because I still hold everything in just as I did before. It helped me then, maybe it'll help now. I don't know.
I felt like I was happy. I felt as though I was heading the right direction -- I was working, I was working on getting back into school. I stopped and went a few times, trying to figure out where I wanted to be. I feel like I should have just done it. Just pushed through, but I didn't.
Then, I met my husband. I was waitressing at the Grist Mill, my last job. He was charming, so nice. I thought he was handsome, a bit rough around the edges. He was funny, he could make me laugh. A sick sense of humor.. I couldn't tell if I liked it or if I was offended. I laughed though, so I must've been into it, right? I guess. He asked me incessantly to go on a date with him. I finally accepted, and the rest is history.
We moved in together, we had so much fun together. We were like two fucking peas in a pod. I felt like he was my answer, I wished I had found him sooner. He treated me like a queen. My best friend actually liked him.. LIKED HIM. Yes, which is nearly impossible.
Then I got pregnant. 9 months into our relationship, I got knocked up. Ha! Funny. No, I was devastated. I didn't want a baby, I didn't want my life to revolve around a little tiny being that I made. I wanted my life to be that - MINE. I wanted to live for me and never lose my spontaneity. I didn't want to lose my body, my MIND.
We were married 2 months later.
9 months after that, Flynn was born. And though I struggled with being a mother at first (and still do), he is my baby, my love, my light at the end of the tunnel.
Fast forward 2.5 years, here I am. I am 50 pounds overweight, I have a feeling the bags under my eyes are never going away. I have stretch marks every where. I feel like a lump of fat and wrinkly, old skin. I am twenty-four.. 24!!!! years old. I feel like I'm 40+ .. and I feel sad a lot.
My best friend moved far, far away. I know she's doing what's best for her - but I can't help but feel sad about it. I miss her everyday, even though we talk online a lot.
My dad died in January this year.
I am/was his only child, he wasn't married. I took care of everything, because I was the only one who legally could. I found out a few things about certain family members, I met my aunt and uncle for the first time.
I have had a very hard time with my dad's death, and I wasn't sure at all how I was going to handle it. I still cry once a week, like I am now. Just thinking. Thinking, was everything I did enough? Did I do what he would have wanted? His "girlfriend" blames me for everything. We don't speak anymore, after the hurtful things she's said to me. I am better off without her in my life, even though I'd known her since birth.
I'm so glad to have met my Aunt and Uncle though - My Aunt is a saint. Such a nice, southern lady. She was so warm, so happy. It made me feel welcome and like a.. family. Something I never had with that side of my family. She invited us to Alabama to visit, gave me pictures of my dad and her as a child/teen. I was so overwhelmed with everything, but I am so glad I met them. I will treasure that day forever.
I am starting to feel more at peace, more "okay" with my choices. The cremation, the house, the car and truck. I know I made the right decisions, but I still can't help but feel uneasy, as my dad didn't tell me what he wanted. He didn't leave anything, and as abruptly as he left the world, nothing could have changed that.
My year feels like a whirlwind.
A clusterfuck.
My mind feels like it's spinning in on itself.
I need a counselor. I want a counselor.
I can't talk to my husband about things. Why? That's another post.
I talk to my best friend, but I can't keep telling her the same crap over and over. Broken record.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I want and yearn for REAL happiness. REAL love and hope.
This year has rained on me.
Here's to hoping 2015 brings me sunshine.
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2010 10 September :: 11.26pm
Wow.
First weekend off in.. months. I seriously do not remember the last Saturday that I had off. Not that I'm complaining about working or anything, I just don't remember having one off. And I'm loooooving it.
Going to the Verizon store tomorrow. I can't afford any cool phone's but.. I will be getting something new and that's all that matters.
I am really hoping I will be able to keep my same number, 'cause it's such a hassle switching them around.
Oh and - cannot wait for the 3Oh!3 concert in November. Yay!
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2010 7 September :: 2.50pm
:: Music: Still Waters Run Deep - 69 Eyes
It smells like crisp Autumn air mixed with laundry, and it took my headache away for a minute.
It was a minute that seemed to last forever.
I realize that I've taken a lot for granted lately. Actually, not just lately. In the entirety of my life. All the time, basically every single day.
I know it's impossible to put things in reverse, but at this moment it's all I want.
A reverse button.
Not even to "re-do" anything, but more so to watch..or just to get "that" feeling again.
Every so often as of recently, I've been getting a glimpse of "that" feeling again. Most likely because I'm getting a glimpse of what life should really be like. Thanks to a good, dear friend.. and a possible willingness on my part to go out and do more things (besides turn everyone down who wants to hang out, and sit at home) -- I have felt like I'm living again. Just a little bit.
I think this trip my good friend and I have planned will be just what I need.
All that I need.
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2010 27 August :: 9.41pm
It smells like a freshness I've never been able to grip since the day it all ended. The clouds were billows of smoke, in any shape I could think of.
It was periwinkle blue.
Everything was blue, and green.. and bright. Like bright white hospital lights that weren't intimidating. I squinted a lot, I remember, as I dipped my toes in the serene water. I felt the fish nibble a bit, and it always made me jolt and go back for more.
I wandered behind the pond, and glided my fingertips along the petals of a hundred roses. The deep, abundant purple flowers of the Azalea bush caught my attention each time.
I floated on thoughts, and spoke imagination.
I wished for nothing.
I wanted nothing, for I had it all.
The grass never smelled uncut. The sun always shined through the trees, onto the grapevine trellis where I would hide secret treasures. It felt warm, like I was wanted, like a true home's caress.
No matter the season change, I remained invited. The aura called my name, and I never missed a step.
Beauty at its most vulnerable.
Unforeseen by most, witnessed by few.
A real-life Fairy-tale.
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2010 6 May :: 11.16am
So, today is a new day.
It's really crazy how fast people's emotions can change.
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, and wanting things and not getting them. I feel bad that I put it on the internet so other people can find it and say, "wow, that girl's an effing complainer." Yeah.. if I found my journal on the internet and read it, I'd feel pretty plain stupid.
My life's not bad. At all. Certain aspects? Yes. 100% of the time? No. I hate coming off that way. I like my life, I just need to step it up, get out of my shell. I'm starting to make a list in my head to see what it is exactly that I need.I'm thinking my number one is more friends.. but the fact that I've been feeling pretty antisocial lately isn't helping. See, I do want these things in my life, I just never think I have the time when I do.
I like feeling safe, having a handful of friends. But I'm beginning to see that I never got the experiences most people at 19 have had. I'm not like everyone else my age, but I'm honestly trying to make it work. Well, some of the time.
Geesh, I make no sense.
So, I'm sitting here in Baker's parking lot on Shane's computer (hoping the battery doesn't take a crap) - waiting for him to get out of his class. It's only been like.. 30 minutes. ugh. We're going to the mall after.. probably going to eat some nasty mall-food that I love, and shop a little bit (Are there any guys that like to shop out there? cause I'd love to meet them!) After the mall, we're stopping by to see my brother for an hour or so. I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. In fact, I don't think anyone has. So, it's a little overdue, but I think he'll be happy to see Shane since he got approved to see him.
Also, does anyone seem to know any diet tricks? I'm trying to lose 10 pounds and it's definitely not working. I hate exercising, so that could be why. I do have my gym membership, I just have to get in the habit. It just sucks 'cause I hate all the food that could help me. Basically, I kill hunger with bread and cereal.. and chicken. Yeah, what a way for me to lose weight. Way to go me!
Wellll, that's all that's floating in my brain at the moment. I could sit here for hours and type meaningless junk, but I'm getting just as bored as everyone else.
Until next time..
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2010 5 May :: 5.39pm
When I do this, I realize my friends aren't close.
When I lash out, it's really misplaced anger. From being angry at myself, my mom, anybody. I've been trying to keep composure.
My gate fell today. I feel so dramatic. I feel like it's no big deal, but it is. Well, maybe not to you or your friends.
I'm just upset with me. Yeah, just me. Because I control what happens with this life.. and I've done nothing to change it. And I know I won't, and it kills me everyday.
I yelled at Shane today for not wanting to go to the mall with me. I got my hopes up about it, and no, it isn't a big dilemma. He didn't want to go, and I got really upset. I couldn't control my anger, and I know he doesn't understand. I know he doesn't understand a lot. Not much about me, actually. But it's like I can feel this anger and hate and.. this almost feeling of betrayal. I can't describe it, other than just pure anger. It's not towards him, and I tell him that. Usually not, anyway. I hung up the phone, and cried. For a good 20 minutes. Not because I didn't get to go buy new summer clothes, or because I didn't get to keep my plans, and not even because I felt like a crazy super-bitch.
Not at all.
I cried because a realization washed over me. I was angry and hostile because I realized I have no friends here. I have Shane. My mom. And that is all. If Shane doesn't want to go, and my mom is gone.. who do I call?
Fifty miles doesn't seem far, but today it does.
---
And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe..
And reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio, and I won't tell no one your name.
---
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2010 14 April :: 1.30pm
:: Mood: anxious
I need a new start, and I'm trying to find my niche.
So far - it's not working.. but I'm trying. I guess that counts.
I'm trying to find a new school, a new place for myself - in life.
I've become to realize that things I thought were important are little specks, and the things I never thought about are here to beat me in the face. I don't like these sorts of wake-up calls, but I'm also grateful for them.
Because some people never hear them.
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2010 1 April :: 1.45pm
:: Mood: melancholy
As I stood on the deck at Shane's house this morning, with the warmth of the sun shining on my face, I closed my eyes in hope.
I imagined. Deep into the crevices of my brain, I dreamed. I closed my eyes tight, but opened them on the inside. What I saw was beautiful. What I saw was what I want so badly, but cannot have.
I woke up this morning - facing the white wall. I opened my eyes, and closed them again. Imagining what I want. I saw a creamy tan wall, two windows with white trim - the sun was coming in, but I could feel it how I wanted to. I imagined standing up, walking to the porch and standing in front of the doorway. I stared out, all of the houses, the calm, the rejuvenating feeling I yearn for was there. I watched a car go by, I stared to the blue sky, and breathed. I love when I can breathe. Then it goes.
I know I have to open my eyes, see the reality of what is in front of me. So, I do. The white wall was still there. I closed my eyes, reopened them, closed and reopened. I knew the drab wall wasn't going anywhere. I sat up, pulled the curtain back and saw my car outside. I saw Shane's. I looked at the pine's and the grass poking through, and all of the new-coming growth.
I had a dream that I was sitting in my driveway. But I wasn't young, I was 19. I was who I am now. I was sitting in my driveway at my home. It was a light grey, with a lot of little rocks and ant hills. I had a couple leaves in my hand. Ants scurried by, as I attempted to grab them. I looked to my house - off-white siding, hunter green shutters, a big maple tree in the front yard. I looked back and smiled, I felt the feeling I always felt.
Everyone around me, the world, the whole universe was at my fingertips. I felt alive. The garden hose was lying beside me. It was running, and a pool collected near the end of the driveway. I sent the leaves down my little man-made river, watching as they swirled around at the end of their journey. I got up and my dream ended as I went inside the house.
It was a beautiful dream. It felt like it happened yesterday, but I know it didn't. Most of the time I know I need to get over it, that I need to stop. But others, like now, I like the feeling of the sun.
Even if the only way to feel it this way is within a dream.
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2009 12 December :: 1.38pm
So, I've got work tonight. Well, at 3, so midday I guess.
I hope it goes decently. I never know how it'll be though, but I hoooope that my co-worker will stay with me til 7, because then I'll have my sanity until AT LEAST then.
I went out with Shane's mom last night, it went well. She got some "Shane" shopping done. Though he's quite easy to shop for.
I'm done with my shopping!! I'm proud of not being a procrastinator this year.
I also got my hair done yesterday. It's purple and sort of asymmetrical. I told myself I wouldn't chop my hair again, but I gave the stylist creative-freedom, so it's really my mistake. I don't have my USB or I would upload some pics. I kinda like it, just needs some getting used to.
My cat's cuddling me. I love her. Quite frankly, she is the best animal I have ever had. I would give a lot for her to be immortal. I can't imagine her being gone whatsoever. She's almost 14, and it's really scary.
Jo-Jo - I need to send your letter out!! I just need to add a couple things, so I'll let you know when to start checking your box. :)
I also need to write my brother - haven't done it in wayyy too long. I talked to him on the phone today though. He's doing as good as he can. Has a job, and works a few hours a day. He seems okay, but I can't ever be sure.
I want to see Alicia again!! I will see her on her wedding day, I guess. Well, the day before. I asked for those days off, so they better give them to me! Either way, I will be there. I'm excited!! I need my purple shoes though. :) Cannn't wait!!
Leesh - Make sure you call me when you get your dress, or text me. Either one! :D
So yep.
Christmas break's been good so far all-in-all.
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2009 1 December :: 8.07pm
I paid some of my credit card. It's down from where it was. Makes me less stressed. I'm liking it.
Though.. I am officially broke. Like, completely. Until this coming Monday.
I hung out with Alicia. Just got back like.. 20 minutes ago. I got my bridesmaid dress for her upcoming wedding. Exciiiiting!! It's cute, and it was only 15 bucks! Can't beat it. :) Now, hopefully her sista likes it 'cause we bought her one without her there. Haha.
Anyway, school sucks. I only have 3 more days. Well, about 3ish. I finished my 11 page paper. That sucked majorrrrly. But - that's the end of the class. I sell my books back next week, and I hope to god I get a decent buy-back. Sometimes they're crappy and I don't get anything. One can only wait..
So. Yep. I cashiered at my job a couple days ago. Time went by way faster than the deli. It was a good change, but I hate being in charge of money. Not that I make huge mistakes, just makes me nervous a little. But yeah, it was nice. Lots of different people; some nice, some decent. You know, the usual with customers.
Money sucks. I just wish the world didn't have to revolve around it. I know that's far-fetched, but it would be magical, wouldn't it?
No matter what or who you are, money is an object and it's beginning to get more and more relevant to me. Not that I was naieve to it before, but it's way too real now.
Maybe that, or I'm just dutch.
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2009 25 November :: 12.50pm
:: Music: Akon & Pitbull - shut down
Sigh.
So, I can't decide if I'm relieved or stressed at this point.
I'm just hanging out before I have to go to work at 2. I close tonight.. annnd as usual, I don't want to. I just feel that 8 hours is much too long to stand at the deli counter. I've heard we're going to be ridiculously busy though, with people picking up their meals and turkeys for tomorrow.
I'm going to see my grandma tomorrow for Turkey day. I think it's at three, and I'm so glad I got most of my paper(s) done last night. It sucked, but at least I have the drafts.
I went Christmas shopping on Monday and finished up shopping for my mom and my grandma. I just have to get a few more things for my dad, and for Leesh, Shane, annnd.. I actually just need to write this all down so I know exactly what to buy and what I can spend. Saving that task for later this weekend.
I guess my mom is getting the house she wants (not the one previously talked about), and we're getting that 8,000 dollar tax credit. But, is this just me, or is it only fair to split that money in half? Maybe I'm loosing my mind, but I just think that I deserve a little bit more than I'll be getting. I guess I should be glad to get any at all. It's a nice house from pictures I've seen, and I get to walk through it on Friday. It has 5 bedrooms, and apparently my soon-to-be room has a bathroom off of it. Sounds nice enough if it all actually happens.
I want to hang out with Leesh super-bad. It's been too long.. again. As always. I wish I lived closer.. as always. I dunno, we'll figure something out as we always do. **Maybe for your last christmas present, Leesh, we can go shopping and YOU can pick it out. I'm having a tough time picking something out for you. I think going together would be better. Soo, I will plan on that. Maybe hit up Target, etc.
In other news, I love chocolate milk. And hot chocolate. I'm at a cup a day. I'm getting fat. It's not good. The gym's not been able to fit into my schedule lately, even though I'd like to go more than I have been. Ohh well. Shit happens.
In conclusion to this post, I just want to extend hope to the coming year. I really really completely honestly hope that 2010 has something better than 2009 had.
If it doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'm the only one in saying this year sorta kinda sucked.
A lot.
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2009 15 November :: 12.31am
I might be starting to cashier at my job (and still do the deli too) - which, if you worked where I do, you'd see how it would be cool. It's kind of an honor-thing I guess. I just have to ask the big-wig owner.. but hey, he says I've been doing well the past 8ish months whenever I see him. I'm hopeful. I need the hours!
My mom and I basically got the house. I'm sort of excited. A lot of work, but I get that $8,000 tax credit.. that my mom is still trying to steal from me. But that's okay, she'll get the half she should get. She thinks she's smarter than me with that kind of thing, and I think it's sort of funny. Fair is fair, that's all I have to say.
Well, sleep seems like an awesome option right now.. but first, I am in need of a shower.
I smell like mashed potatoes and kielbasa.
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2009 12 November :: 11.00am
:: Mood: blank
I am really trying.. very hard, actually, to become consistent.
In all ways. Mostly in my personality, and with my friends and loved ones.
But.. in the midst of all of this shit, I realize a lot of things I never ever wanted to realize. Things about my mom, things and people I am not sure I want to believe. Who really knows who's right in their ways? I sure don't. I can say the stress is wearing on me, but I'm trying to stay positive. I just feel bad for my Shane. Poor guy has to deal with MY shit all day every day.. but you know what's even more weird? The guy doesn't care that I go nuts sometimes, or if I we end up screaming at each other, it doesn't matter to him.
I wish I knew how to fix me, rather than telling others to change themselves.
The other day at my house I had said something crude, (probably because I was pissed about something else).. and the friend my mom had over goes, "why the hell are you even with her, dude?" And without an ounce of hesitation he goes,
"Because she's worth it. To me - she's worth it." I sit there in awe. I wasn't even sure why. My mom just smiled.
I felt a sort of relief. I think I'm scared. Of what? School, work, finishing what I'm starting, getting a good paying job, not getting stuck where I'm at, my mom's decisions, my mom and I getting that one house, or not getting anything at all, writing that paper, paying that loan, all of the uncertainty. I want consistency, and I'm not at all sure how to get it.
I'm selling my camera, unfortunately. I'm sad, but I'm more anxious than anything. I need to pay off a lot. I've gotten myself into a bind, and it's my fault. My mom's angry because it's what I always wanted, but I can't change my bills. It would help.
Shane will be gone this week, so I plan to hang out with friends, his mom, and hopefully my mom makes some time for me too. I have no money, but we'll figure a way.
I had a job interview, got it, but left it. School's too much for me, and they're giving me an extra day next week at my other job. It probably would've been nice - the extra money, but I can't close 'til midnight. Oh well. I'll find something.
I miss my grandma, and my brother. Maybe I'll go downtown and visit my sister and Brayden. I feel so detached lately. It's beginning to suck. Jim and I are going for dinner later, and Shane has a test to take at 2.
Alicia's coming tomorrow.. I can't even wait. I miss her so much.
I want to take pictures, and listen to music, and drive around, and go for coffee, and walk in the cold with our sweatshirts and coats, and talk for hours about everything and nothing, while still having the best time of our lives.
I miss those times. We will definitely be downtown Holland this holiday season - so, everyone watch your backs. Leesh and I will most likely be down there strutting our stuff. :) I miss those times. I hope they come back this year. And.. hope my car runs safely all the way there. Either way, it's okay.
I got a couple christmas presents out of the way. My dad's getting something really special this year - his own personalized model locomotive (he's a model train buff). My mom's getting cool stuff, I have Leesh halfway done.. and everyone else is still in think-mode. I have a tough time with not over-spending. I love buying for people though.
And I love the feeling of the holidays.
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2009 28 October :: 11.58pm
:: Mood: stressed
It's all about dreams - it's all about making the best out of everything. You'll know when you're fine, 'cause you'll talk like a mime..
If only I could figure out what I wanted to do in life.
I seriously thought I was on the right track, and knew what I wanted.. but everything changes so fast. I can't help but be stressed out.
Anyone that knows me - what can you see me doing?
I've made a couple good decisions, but it's not all adding up how I would like. I don't have the grades for certain things, or the patience.
I'm leaning towards one of my first choices - Pharmacy Tech, or my newfound interest - Radiologic Technologist.
I'm at a fork and it seems impossible.
Sigh.
---
Say-say-say-say-say-say it.
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2009 16 October :: 10.37pm
:: Mood: irritated
Sometimes I just can't anymore.
I know you would understand.
My brain just doesn't work like it used to.
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