London's Calling

Well here we are again. 23 Minutes in Brussels.

Difficult as always.

She doesnt make it easy. I know when she seems 'off'. She seems that way tonight. I feel like she hides it by praising me or praising my ability to overlook her strange ways.

Its not really easy to deal with this. I want to not offend her, especially if she has been drinking, that wont end well. She will resent me and not even know why or what was the problem(s).

"Sometimes I think that you don't like me as much as you did before."

How does one properly respond to that? Im nervous to answer it. Its loaded.

I do like you. I liked you more, yes. I want to like you as much, and try hard to do so. Its easy to do so. Whats not easy is how to deal with you acting stranger at times than others. The wait you put me through for a chance to try this thing out has hurt things. I see it and know it. Id like to think I overlook it 95% of the time too.

discovering the flaws

valoth

:: 2012 27 January :: 11.30pm

discovering the flaws

valoth

:: 2011 13 December :: 5.18pm

Holidays are depressing.

Im sinking into oblivion again this winter. As per usual. Alone.

discovering the flaws

valoth

:: 2011 26 November :: 1.01am

Seriously?
Wow. Just...wow. This totally just broadsided me.

I hate fb so much at times. Most the time.
This is one of them.

A picture of the person I like(read: Im trying not to like) with someone who was a friend online entitled "ha".

Hows that for a big "Fuck you" moment? I feel insulted, jealous, irate, and put-off. How can I not?

Im angry that the plan changed, that things between us changed, and now this...

"Nails in the coffin" of the issue is how I feel about the you and these issues. I get riled up about this whole thing very easy because of my current mental state. Its very low fyi. Though in my defense being alone all the time can do this do a person.

Im so cynical all the time and thinking every ones out to cut me down. Today Im right. Today I am being cut down and someone is trying to push my buttons.

Can I curl up in a ball now? Id love to do that about now.

6months ago, I pictured this going so much differently. Now that Im here I want to rewind the tape, give the middle finger to it all, and just move on.

valoth

:: 2011 24 November :: 10.59am

Fuck holidays.

Im mad that you havent come to vie for my attention! Grr! I hate it.

I need to fix this, but I cant myself to have the words on how to do that.

Whats worse is that even if I do fix this, will it be fixed so I dont keep wallowing in that strange territory that you put me into.

Do you even understand my side of things in the slightest? Do you even try to understand my side?

valoth

:: 2011 21 November :: 7.18am
:: Music: Margrot & The Nuclear So and So's- Broadripple is Burning

30-36hrs
Patient realizes hes stupid. This was a dumb decision. How could I ever have you think this is more than just me being dumb?

But how else can I get you to show me that you actually cared? At all.

I wish I had cameras everywhere all the time, so I know how you reacted after I left. This would be easier if I knew that.

valoth

:: 2011 20 November :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Xx - Crystalized

24hrs
Here we are. 24 hours later. I felt like shit all damn day. My phone is filling up with saved drafts of text messages I want to send.

Now that Ive made the choice I feel I made the wrong one.

I feel like I should have taken the skype, msn, and computer problems as a better sign. 30minutes of skype video crashing my system and then moving to another computer only to have the same problem.

Its eating at me like a cancer. I feel like Ive just thrown away the only good friend I had left. I want to break something, shout, go nuts, and just generally make it feel better.

To top it off I never got to say half of what I wanted. Which is that if she can show me what I am, what I mean to her...Id be so much more at ease. Or so I hope.

So Marley, if you happen by this place. Show me you care. Show me why. Help me understand things. I miss you. I need you.

-----------------------------
I feel like shit and I only have 1 day of work between me and at least a weeks worth of days off. Im going to be sinking to depths I havent seen before without her.

I litterally have no one to lean on.

I have plenty of people I can talk to. Online gamer "friends", mtg "friends", coworkers I get along with...short list...
None of which want to hear my woes or have advice to enrich my life. None to actually be there for me.
I need friends. No. I need good friends. Friends who would go out of there way for me. And me for them.

No wonder Im alone.

Which brings me to the best(worst) part of all this. I still have my id/ego/superego issue looming over my head. I have self perspective on the situation like I live in third person.
Ya, I talk to myself.
Im crazy.
Can you blame me for being this way if all Ive ever had in life is people pick on me?
Yup I blame others.
I wont say I do not have short comings, but holy shit I was given a raw deal here.

No goals.
No friends.
No love.

Happy Holidays, am I right?

discovering the flaws

valoth

:: 2011 20 November :: 12.12am

Deed
The deed is done. Ive laid out my story. I said I need a break. How long this lasts I dont know.

What I glean from the conversation on her end is nothing. She has zero understanding of where Im coming from.

I feel like shit.
Because I cant communicate better.
Because I couldnt help her understand my viewpoint
Because I cant be more thorough in my efforts
Because Im not stronger

I want to know how this effects you. I want to know how your dealing with this now that were done talking tonight. I want to know that you show remorse, that you show any emotion. I want to know that you think I meant something.

What was it that I mean? Tell me.

discovering the flaws

valoth

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.12pm

We havent spoke in the last 40 hours. Shes called 3 times. Once after I left, just before the last post, and then again 2 times this morning. I didnt answer any one of the calls. I want her to to reach out more. If she cares, if she understands what shes doing to me then she will try harder.

When we talk next I plan to take the issue up with her. Ill be asking her what I mean to her. What I am to her. Ill be making sure she understands how hard this is. She needs to show me these things. If she truly cares, she will do that too.

I cant just be a friend whos there when its convenient. I cant be that guy who you throw comments that lead me on at. I dont and wont do that. Stop doing this to me! Gah!

Ive said it once, Ill say it again. Im at a certain place in my life where I need something more than a friend.

discovering the flaws