valoth
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2011 18 November :: 12.22am
Story time?
You want a story? How will that help you do homework? I wont.
You straight up tell me I dont know you. You straight up say you feel bitchy. At what point am I supposed to talk to you then? Because I wont.
You insult me again and again. Do you not notice this? So naive or just irresponsible?
Heres a story for you.
Once upon a time there were two people who met online in a the usual time internet way. They talked more and more as time passed. Eventually they started skyping all the time, hours of time a day. One is a boy. One is a girl. The boy helped the girl through rough patches of her life while going through hard times in his own. The boy helped the girl pick a school over a summer long project to choose one.
Eventually the girl graduated and spent the summer talking to the boy more before going off to the school.
At the school the girl grew distant. At the school the girl got way too deep into the situations around her.
Before going to the school the boy liked the girl, and told her this. The girl liked the boy. Then the girl went to school and decided to not like the boy in that way anymore without being clear and forth coming. The boy was strung along for months.
Eventually the boy grev very angry with the situation. The boy tried so hard to not just kick her to the curb in favor of releasing lots of woe, stress, and other emotional issues.
As time passed with this situation looming, the boy became more and more berated by the girl. She grew callous to no end.
The boy told the girl off in hopes that the girl gained some perspective and came back when/if she was ready.
She probably didnt/wont.
The boy was ready and needing certain things in his life the girl could not give or would not give. The girl was just looking to play games with the boy in hopes of finding herself more. The boy couldnt handle that bullshit.
The end.
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valoth
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2011 16 November :: 12.00am
:: Mood: annoyed
Im confused.
I thought I had clicked. Finally been able to give it up and be ready to not deal with it anymore.
Yet Im still here, wavering in the wind on what to do here.
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Im trying so hard to find a way to just fuck it and give it up. Tell her off. She needs to understand how my end of the situation came about and how its going. How its got to go if I can ever move on to being "just friends."
Regardless of what anyone else thinks, everyone wants something from someone else. No matter what the relation. Tangible or otherwise there is something the other person gains from your relationship. Friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc.
The question is, do you understand what it is the other person wants from you?
In my situation I wanted friendship. It then became wanting companionship. Then it became wanting out of this problem.
For her it was friendship, then it started to become wanting a relationship and with the snap of a finger that ended. Now its friendship but wanting companionship just not in this way.
Will she ever realize how her words are taken by other people? Will she understand face value is a stupid term. Reading into a situation is key. More than key.
I need her to understand how maddened I become every time I think I sense a change in her demeanor. "I miss you" means more than it says. If you think otherwise you are a fool and should just learn to hold your tongue. You cant tell me you miss me constantly, know you have the option to see me and then NOT make use of it only to keep saying it. That drives me up the wall.
Fucking take a leap of faith if you want me. If you want to say you want me only to just be friends. Im going to make a decision that you wont like. Because Ive talked to numerous people who agree. It needs to end. Its not healthy and it definitely not healthy to think that keeping what this is going like it is.
I need to end it soon. No talking. No texting. No messages on fb. Nothing. I need to just say "hey I cant do this, its driving me insane. Your confusion on the issue leaves me with no other option than to do what I need to do to keep me going. if you think you deserve a place in that then you need to speak up or Ill talk to you someday down the line."
Im in a place in my life where I want a companion. Not a mess. Not dating. Not being overly good friends. A companion. You clearly arent being that, so I should move on. You can come and let me know that youre ready for such a thing, if you truly are. Otherwise, Ill talk to you when I talk to you. Good luck, but for now its goodbye.
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valoth
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2011 12 November :: 11.32pm
:: Mood: irritated
Straight up stupid.
Women are stupid. Seriously. Youre all wrapped up in yourself to the point of cutting off blood flow causing confusion. Something. Jeebus!
How can women know what they want from a career or future so easily and then on the other hand be totally confused with men?
You all want a giant list of things that a man should have. You want that list checked off on the first fucking second too. Annoying. Perfect isnt out there. Humans are imperfect beings. Stop it. Seriously.
You want to say men are stupid and assholes, why? because we know what we want from women before we go about future planning?
When did this line of thinking start? where did it become ok? Things should be this damn fucking hard.
FUCK.
Moving on
You cant turn me into your of the moment man. I dont work that way. Im not going to be there for you when you think its convientent. Thats not ok. You either want me all the time or never. Not halfway. No. Just...no.
Fuck me. I just need a healthy relationship for a change of pace. I miss those.
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valoth
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2011 7 November :: 1.56am
I think its happened. Ive clicked. Im over it. Its weird.
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valoth
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2011 31 October :: 4.17am
Im not being mean when you talk about your plan for college. Im being realistic.
Common problem 4yr plan students face:
-money(loans or cash for needs during student years)
-finishing on time
-finishing with leads to jobs
Common needs:
-job(part time/summer/seasonal)
-money(loans or other finance)
You cant just brush that off. You cant tell me no, because your successful. Successful people might finish on time sure, but are you saying everyone Ive known is not? You dont really get to declare that. lol Thats unfair and pompous.
You dont even know what your planning to go for. How can you finish on time if youve not decided anything? What if youve already missed classes that file under things to make it out on time? Cmon now.
Oiy. You had me so happy earlier. Now you leave me on sour notes.
Just like Rachel. I dont like where this path leads. Need a better fork in the road.
1 chasing my dream |
discovering the flaws
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valoth
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2011 28 October :: 12.53am
:: Mood: depressed
Cope
Im trying so hard not to dip into the sea of depression again right at this moment.
Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad?
Do you know how hard it is to have everyone who knows what you want say its not worth your time? How you should just drop it now?
Do you know how hard is it when this is the second time around on this journey? The names and faces may have changed. The emotions are still ready to grieve.
I have the next 3 days off to dwell on this. 3 days to sit in the shower and sulk. 3 days with no plans. 3 days.
I need an outlet. I need a better one that is. I need someone to talk to. I dont have the person I trust and can voice my concerns to.
Oh wait. That persons the person whos causing me half my trouble.
The other option is now on disconnect because of a better situation.
I need medication. I need consultation. I need someone. Im prideful, but not so prideful that Ill let myself not admit to these facts. I just cant get myself to take the steps alone. It kills me that much more that I can openly reflect to myself on these situations. My innermost monologue is like a pet owner with a rolled up newpaper slapping me over the head as if Im puppy whos just done something wrong.
Im like that satalite a month back that was supposed to come crashing down to earth. No one knows my path or where Ill land. Ill skid off the atmosphere a few times and build into a fireball. Evaporate over a radius thats big and leave no traces once Ive landed. Ill sink into the ocean never to be needed again.
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valoth
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2011 27 October :: 12.29am
A horse is not a home
"Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!"
William S. Gilbert
Being sick is really annoying. My nose is raw now from tissue usage. My head feels like is ready to explode most times. The body ache sucks . I cant wait until the coughing kicks in...
To top it all off Ive been running into fits of this ache inside my chest for the past couple days. 10-30min of having the feeling of someones hands inside my chest just squeezing body parts. Im not good with anatomy but Id venture a guess and say kidney's. If not that then the liver. Just feels like hands are in there twisting them. I should see a doctor but I think I caused the problem with the meds I got hopped up on to try and get it under control once I started feeling sick. Popped a lot of cold/congestion stuff, zrytec, and some avil/ibprophane for headaches from sinus pressure.
Hope it passes.
Moving right along I seriously wonder how much longer I can stand being alone. Companionship is a necessity in the human life I think. Someone who can find a fulfilling life without it I applaud you. Im a lesser man who needs that person. I need someone to push me, challenge me, love me, and share things with. Daily. Nightly. The longer, more frequent, I come across these situations like with 'her' right now the more and more Im sure of what I want in a relationship. Which makes me that much harder to be with.
Im already not a super social person. This blows.
I should have been born in a different place at a different time. Im not meant for this age. I stroll through life hating myself with this current time. Modern convenience destroys me.
Love unrequited is love that harder for one and avoided by another.
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valoth
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2011 23 October :: 7.40pm
All Hallows Eve
I miss the old version of Halloween. Everyone these days seems to be obsessed with the gore, guts, and violence version of the holiday thats starting to form.
Remember when it was about outfits from the colonial era and stories that scared you because they played on original fears? Fears of the unknown the unexplained. The emblematic stories!
Stories of creatures that went bump in the night. Werewolves, vampires, and headless horsemen. Creatures that were able to take victims then disappear into the shadows they came from.
These days all I hear and see is zombies and godlike killers like that of Jason. Its all about how much blood will spew from a wound, how many people they can kill, or how much guts they can show.
It all seems Psychotic murderers and stories of undead walking the earth.
Zombies are dumb. The idea of an apocalypse revolving around them is even more stupid. People who like them are stupid. Common sense alone would suggest that something thats dead doesnt make sense roaming around. The only case of undead walking is Jesus, and he didnt go around eating people now did he?
discovering the flaws
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valoth
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2011 23 October :: 1.34am
I think I got across to her today. She might understand things now, even if it was only a few brief statements. That might be wishful thinking, but lets hope not.
Might go hang out with her soon.
She might show up for Thanksgiving still. Sounds like she was planning on that already, regardless of what she wont acknowledge or requite.
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valoth
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2011 19 October :: 2.23am
SEPTEMBER 1st 2011 It all began spiraling downward
Why are you so callous about my feelings?
How many times had I brought the issue up. You make me want to flip the switch and ignore you forever.
I hate knowing you right now. What could I have done with the time Ive wasted on you?
"Men can never be just friends with women"
You can be coworkers, colleagues,related by family, married, divorced, or roomates. Never just friends though.
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valoth
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2011 16 October :: 5.46pm
Ya um fuck.
Another downer day. Not as bad as last time but its on its way.
Today was a day full of more being pushed away and being scorned. I dont like being made to always feel like I should be apologizing.
Im more than setteled on this issue. I gave up. Ill be friends but not like it was. I cant let her use me like this. I wont be her emotional feel better about her self person. Fuck that.
discovering the flaws
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valoth
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2011 13 October :: 1.40pm
At this moment, I feel like Im good on the withstanding issue. Ive contemplated the issue, Ive skirted the issue, Ive wrestled with it multiple times. I think Im okay now.
Im drawing the line.
Im pulling back now.
I may not be the most comfortable now but I think Im good baring some unforeseen curve ball.
Friends it is. I wont always try to be there. I wont try to go the extra mile. If you want it, YOU have to ask for it. I tried doing it and got nothing but headaches and heartaches. I dont need to walk around with those chips on my shoulder anymore.
I dont go out of my way for just anyone. I go out of my way for everyone in some fashion, but this one I cant go any further with. I will withhold.
You cant assume the privileges of a status you dont accept the consequences for. Take responsibility of your actions on my feelings. Express more than just a terribly overplayed statement.
That wont cut it. Return to sender.
EDIT: Ive been searching for the words on this kind of statement forever now. I cant believe it never came to me. Commitment. Bam! Make a commitment to me. Ive been alive 24yrs and seen plenty of stuff to know what I require out of this word. So get to stepping.
discovering the flaws
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valoth
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2011 12 October :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: listless
Im going crazy. 2 steps forward one step back all the damn time.
Ugh. The thoughts racing through my head.
Take a step back Kelly. Stop jumping to conclusions.
Nope. Im drawn.
Spent
Oiy vey
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valoth
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2011 11 October :: 10.27pm
Seems to be easier when you can distract yourself with work.
I feel a little better today. I hope this is the case for the next week or so.
Friday when I get home from Cadi I guess I have to set a show at the YMCA for the GR Marathon. Tear down on Saturday.
We'll see how things go. One day at a time.
discovering the flaws
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valoth
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2011 10 October :: 1.52pm
Show me you care Marley. Go over the edge. Show me some emotion behind this.
If you want me around, make me see it. Go out of your way to show it.
EDIT: You wish you could fix me. You can. Ive given you the tools, use them. Dont skirt the issue and Ill be on stable ground way faster.
discovering the flaws
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