perspective
before, i never wanted to do anything, i wanted to stay inside all day, you had to drag me out cuz i just didn't want to do anything, unless of course you were someone who i was trying to fool i was ok. no that i want to go out and do stuff, there's noone here. if jorie is busy i can't go to the city. her friends are cool and all but there not really welcome o new people. it's their group and they don't want to change it. i've lost all my "bad" friends which is good. but now i don't really have anything left. that's what is making me down today. i only babysat till 8:30 today cuz their grandparents are in town.

there's noone online to talk to either. right now there's people but not realy people who i can tlak to. it's just like hi bye.
i don't feel like cleaning, i don't want to read cuz i have a headache, i'm just an all around complainer today.

ha ha lol
jorie your gonna love this one..

ogibendogi33 [1:31 PM]: hi
BlkCandyNecklace [1:31 PM]: hi
ogibendogi33 [1:32 PM]: whats up?
ogibendogi33 [1:32 PM]: how have you been lately?
BlkCandyNecklace [1:33 PM]: i've been fine
BlkCandyNecklace [1:33 PM]: you?
ogibendogi33 [1:33 PM]: well its been kind of different
ogibendogi33 [1:33 PM]: i was at my friends houses this week cause my fam went on vacation
ogibendogi33 [1:34 PM]: and i have been having lots of muscle spasams
ogibendogi33 [1:34 PM]: like on my eye and arms and legs
ogibendogi33 [1:34 PM]: its weird
ogibendogi33 [1:35 PM]: justin was telling me that jorie called him and that she didn't sound normal and that she was all like really happy to him and stuff
ogibendogi33 [1:36 PM]: but whatever, it was just that i was under the impression that she was really mad at him
BlkCandyNecklace [1:36 PM]: she didn't call him
ogibendogi33 [1:36 PM]: well someone did
ogibendogi33 [1:36 PM]: and it said jorie
BlkCandyNecklace [1:36 PM]: what said jorie?
ogibendogi33 [1:37 PM]: his phone
BlkCandyNecklace [1:37 PM]: he said that someone called from my phone
ogibendogi33 [1:37 PM]: oh
ogibendogi33 [1:37 PM]: your phone then
ogibendogi33 [1:37 PM]: im not sure
BlkCandyNecklace [1:37 PM]: i lost my phone at the party so it makes sence and the next day i picked it up
ogibendogi33 [1:37 PM]: someone called him from your phone or jories
ogibendogi33 [1:38 PM]: oh
ogibendogi33 [1:38 PM]: ok then that explains everything
ogibendogi33 [1:38 PM]: cause it was jorie who called and he said that she sounded drunk
BlkCandyNecklace [1:38 PM]: jorie told justin that
BlkCandyNecklace [1:38 PM]: why the hell woudl jorie get drunk first of all
ogibendogi33 [1:39 PM]: hey im just saying what he said
BlkCandyNecklace [1:39 PM]: that's one of my strongest and her strongest belefs
ogibendogi33 [1:39 PM]: same here which is why i don't
ogibendogi33 [1:39 PM]: but thats what he thought
BlkCandyNecklace [1:39 PM]: :shrug:

i am alive
heh. here i go. i'm gonna start updating ok jorie!

well too much crap has happened i'll try updating little by little cuz it would be cool to look at this in the future. especially since it shows alot of my progress.

well for now i'll write this. i'm going out with mushroom (alex), only he's been gone for 5 weeks and will be gone for 2 more. he's a councier at this camp in ma-ka-ja-wan. heh.
well anywayz. there was this kid eric, and i thought i liked him but i think i was just excited to be getting attention that i wanted. well then i hung out with alex at a picnice and then we hung out alot and i really respect him, and he's really what i want from a guy right now. well eric i kinda left in the dust lol. but then i went to florida and then he kept trying to im me and i just didn't want to talk to him cuz i did get kind of mad that time where i went to his friends house and everyone was basically drunk, he wasn't but it was still awkward. but anyway, i really wanted to talk to him to straiten things out. so here's the convo


BlkCandyNecklace [9:08 PM]: hi
BlkCandyNecklace [9:09 PM]: sorry i didn't answer earlier i was at work
Phate318 [9:12 PM]: hey no prob
Phate318 [9:12 PM]: how are ya
BlkCandyNecklace [9:12 PM]: i'm good
BlkCandyNecklace [9:12 PM]: how are you?
Phate318 [9:12 PM]: great
Phate318 [9:13 PM]: im doin awesome!
BlkCandyNecklace [9:13 PM]: : )
BlkCandyNecklace [9:13 PM]: you sound really optamistic
Phate318 [9:13 PM]: u are the second person that has told me that in like 10 mins
BlkCandyNecklace [9:15 PM]: heh
BlkCandyNecklace [9:15 PM]: mabey it's your big font
Phate318 [9:16 PM]: haha perhaps...better?
BlkCandyNecklace [9:19 PM]: no it’s not bad lol
Phate318 [9:20 PM]: so what have u been up to?
BlkCandyNecklace [9:20 PM]: um i was in florida
Phate318 [9:21 PM]: oh snap
Phate318 [9:21 PM]: i didnt know that
BlkCandyNecklace [9:21 PM]: and i've been working and hanging out, having fun with my last summer of high school
Phate318 [9:22 PM]: yeah i hear ya
BlkCandyNecklace [9:22 PM]: what have you been up to?
Phate318 [9:23 PM]: chillin with the guys school monday and wed. and workin like 45-55 hours a week
BlkCandyNecklace [9:24 PM]: holy shit
BlkCandyNecklace [9:24 PM]: so your not having too much fun
Phate318 [9:25 PM]: well my weekends are a blast!
BlkCandyNecklace [9:25 PM]: cool
Phate318 [9:25 PM]: heck yea!
BlkCandyNecklace [9:37 PM]: i just wanted to talk to you so we could end on some kind of note, well not exacally end but you nkow what i mean. i know we won't be hanging out much, i just didn't want to stop talking to you without us talking about it first
Phate318 [9:38 PM]: oh i totally know what u mean its not that i dont want to hang out with u at all, its just that over summer i dont want to be serious with any girls because that is the only time that my friends are in town so i want to spend that time with them, but once their gone, i dunno id like to haev a gf
BlkCandyNecklace [9:42 PM]: i completely understand, only i'd feel like i was on hold you know what i mean.
BlkCandyNecklace [9:42 PM]: your an awesome guy, and you are cute. only i have a boyfriend now so you don't have to even think about me if you don't want to.
BlkCandyNecklace [9:43 PM]: i would like to keep talking to you though. and if you'd like to be friends and hang out that would be cool too
Phate318 [9:43 PM]: its cool i gotcha
BlkCandyNecklace [9:47 PM]: i can tell you that you'll be the first person i'll call if i need someone to kick someone's ass
Phate318 [9:47 PM]: haha why is that?!
BlkCandyNecklace [9:48 PM]: your really strong lol, isn't that obvious?
Phate318 [9:48 PM]: haha i dunno!?
Phate318 [9:49 PM]: yeah i feel really bad i missed out on u, its just that like when all my friends get back in town i try to spend as much time with them as i can cuz after their gone, i go to school, work out, adn go to work, thats IT!
BlkCandyNecklace [9:51 PM]: hm. i don't really know how to respond to that
Phate318 [9:52 PM]: i know its a weird situation and i wouldnt expect u or anyone to wait around like u said
BlkCandyNecklace [9:53 PM]: i do respect the fact that you put yoru friends first
Phate318 [9:54 PM]: their like my brothers, ive known and played football with them for 6 years
Phate318 [9:54 PM]: ive known them all together for about 8 years
BlkCandyNecklace [9:55 PM]: cool
Phate318 [9:55 PM]: but i mean id love to have a gf, i like just having someone to talk to and hang out with all the time, its great!
BlkCandyNecklace [9:56 PM]: we can still hang out
BlkCandyNecklace [9:56 PM]: just tell me whenever
Phate318 [9:56 PM]: aight sounds good
BlkCandyNecklace [9:56 PM]: of course as friends though
Phate318 [9:57 PM]: yeah
Phate318 [9:59 PM]: yeah remember a while ago when i was talking about the whole friends with benefits thing because i really liked u but i knew i wouldnt be able to put enough time into it to make it a good relationship
BlkCandyNecklace [10:00 PM]: yea
Phate318 [10:01 PM]: so yeah...
BlkCandyNecklace [10:02 PM]: yeuap yeaup
Phate318 [10:12 PM]: so who is the bf?
BlkCandyNecklace [10:13 PM]: someone from school
Phate318 [10:13 PM]: cool
Phate318 is away at 10:38 PM
Phate318 returned at 10:43 PM
Phate318 signed off at 11:28 PM


yeaup. so whatever. i treid being really nice, if we do hang out i'll definitly bring someone else with me, but we'll see.

i'll write more later : ) i will.
it kinda felt good writing this down, ahhh now i remember why i started a journal in the first place :smirk: ttys

jen's back
wow it's been forever and some since i've updated. i've just been relaly busy... everyone has i'm home for about 10 min every day and i sleep for 5 hours and go to school it's my life. but it'll be oever after sun.. then i can start to feel again. this whole business craziness is helping in the way of a distraction.. like i'm here but i don't feel anything... alot different' from numb though.. cuz numbness is when you feel so much that it just dosen't make sense. numb is not realy a feeling i figured that out.. it's like a coping skill.

anyway.. lots of interesting things have happend. actually i need to write this cuz it was kind of shocking.. christine called me, at about 5o'clock yea i didn't answer and she left me a message saying her and scott were things of coming over and she dosen't know if i'm home but there going to my house.... ok well the didn't come.. i left the house but my mom would have told me, and she's fucking acting like i hung out with her like yesterday.. i haven't talked to this girl since before newyears.. and all of a sudden she wants jen. : / i'm not gonna give her what she wants... sooo yea

i've been doing alot of observing lately.. and it's making me crazzy the way people are always winning.. like including me. i wine wine wine and it just frustrates everyone around you so i need to work on that.. i need to go back to holding things in and letting them out in a healthy way. *big breath* it's so hard i still don't know how to have a healty thing be enough.. i shall pray. ok i'm gonna start a new entry now.

Inspired by Bill Cosby:
Think of a juicy piece of steak
Marinated just right
Tender and cooked perfectly
With mushrooms and tastes that curl around the meat
On the side are crispy potatoes
Seasoned to melt in your mouth
Can you smell it?
Can you taste it?
Do you want it?
What if I were to put it on a garbage can lid?
Would you still want it?
It’s the same isn’t it?
It’s all in the presentation,
Don’t put anything on a garbage can lid.

a song
Reality

the lights are on
but you're not home
you've drifted off
somewhere alone
somewhere that's safe
no questions here
a quiet place
where you hide from your fears

[chorus]
sometimes when you're out of rope
the way to climb back up is clear
the walls you build around yourself
i guess they also keep you here
are you afraid of what they think?
whoever "they" happen to be
or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?

so you sedate
and drown in vain
you've got a pill
for every day
a suit and tie
to mask the truth
its ugly head
is starting to show through

the monster you're feeding,
your lack of perception
the things that you do
to fulfill addictions
the light at the end of your tunnel is closing
what is it that you're so afraid of exposing?
you'd give it all up for what's there for the taking
whatever it takes to keep your hands from shaking
the same things you're thinking might make you feel better
the same things that probably got you here

real reality tv
I was watching a bunch of television since I’ve been in my room for the past 53 hours. I heard this on daria and it was kinda funny:

(daria’s mother) *phone call* “it was the school, you guys took a psychological test today?”

(quinn, her sister) “ wait they said we weren’t going to be graded”

(mother) “they want daira to take a special class for a couple weeks and then retake the test”

(quinn) “you failed a test?”

(mother) “she didn’t fail anything, daria just seems to have a little bad self esteem”

(daria’s dad) *yelling* “that really sucks daria!”

(mother) “honey? relax, focus..” “Daria, we tell you over and over again that your wonderful but” *yelling and pounding on table* “you just don’t get it”

(quinn) “is she gonna have a breakdown or something? cuz that could have really bad affects on my reputation. You know my friends…”

ok that’s all I can remember. Heh that show is sooo.. accurate. It’s funny how they make it seems like it’s an exaggeration, when really it’s how life really is in most homes, but the image is that its’ not like that and it’s only like that in a few homes so really what they want you to think is that the minority is the majority and that’s why the world is so fucked up : ) see I figured it out lol