forget my name

forget my name

:: 2003 23 August :: 8.15am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Stone Sour

Yesterday I went to my dad's apartment, and he announced we were going to have a talk. It's his way of "bonding" but I hate these talks. I just can't open up. So he started asking what was bothering me and why I hadn't been myself lately, and I just started to cry. Not just cry, but BAWL. And I have no idea why. I mean, I wasn't even really listening to what he was saying, but for some reason I couldn't stop. He saw this an emotional breakthrough, so he tried to get me to open up more. He kept on asking me what was wrong, and I just kept on saying, " I don't know much of anything anymore", and how I was so confused. Curse you teenage years. I was scared to say too much, cause I knew if I did, I would break out crying again. So I just had to whisper. This "talk" lasted for about an hour, and it mainly consisted of me crying my eyes out and him saying how I needed to see a therapist cause I was obviously depressed. Then, I dried my eyes, redid my makeup, and we just.........went to Meijers. Nothing more was really said. This morning though, he had a long talk with my mom, which I had to sit in my room through. That lasted about two hours. And the whole time I had to pee really bad. I couldn't just open the door and ruin their moment. Cause my mom and dad rarely get along. Finally, after the two hours had gone by, and I crossed my legs long enough, I just walked out in the hallway and ran to the bathroom. By then their talk was over. Haha. So now I'm at my house again. I think the bathroom is almost finished. Woohoo. I think I am sopposed to go walking around Houston Woods today with my two aunts around 11:00 or 12:00 PM today. I'm not a big fan of the woods, or even the outdoors for that matter, but I like my aunts, so it's all okay. Woot woot. I always seem to write mindless things in here. That explains why I have as many entries as I do. Shame.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 22 August :: 1.10am

Kill Miss America - Murderdolls
I wanna be a fucking prize winning drag queen
With the platform boots and the tombstone looks
With the bolts in my neck and the gun in my dress

Tonight I'm the prettiest zombie alive
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
I don't care what it takes I'm gonna win the prize

I'm gonna kill Miss America
Kill Miss America
Kill Miss America, yeah, yeah, yeah

I want you to spit when you see me
And if you don't I'm gonna spit on you
I love it when they hate me
And when I win I'm gonna rub it in

Tonight I'm the prettiest zombie alive
I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive
I don't care what it takes I'm gonna win the prize

I'm gonna kill Miss America
Kill Miss America
Kill Miss America, yeah, yeah yeah

I got murder on my mind
Ten seconds to death tonight
Momma's little baby's gonna die, die, die
I'll cut her throat and take what's mine

I'm gonna kill Miss America
Kill Miss America
Kill Miss America, yeah yeah yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill
Kill Miss America

Haha, I love Murderdolls.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 22 August :: 12.44am
:: Music: From Autumn to Ashes

I just got back from Dave's condo. I had to take a bath there. I washed my hair *harp strums* La la la not much to write about........just stuff. I guess I'll just leave then....................

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blacktears844

:: 2003 21 August :: 11.19pm

Ok, last entry I was overreacting, but STILL. AHHHH..............

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blacktears844

:: 2003 21 August :: 11.18pm

My mother just announced a time limit for the computer. I don't know it yet, but it can't be good. A time limit!! I think I'm going to go insane...........what am I gonna do? The only thing of interest to me in this house is the computer........besides my CD player. But I must have my computer!! Ahh......

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blacktears844

:: 2003 21 August :: 10.52pm

Ether - Nothingface
I'll never hesitate
Because I'm too good for that
I'll never show restraint
Because there's no need for that
I know everyone
I've been everywhere
I know everything
Because I am everybody
We came to take control
We came to burn you down
We came to brainwash children
And it's not our fault
It's just your all new suicide
Where we belong
There's no one to hurt
It's some place where we can't be found
Where we belong
It's darker than space
A feeling that we all push down
So it can't be found
It's that time again
Can we get it right
He wants us to revolt
To set the world on fire
We won't show restraint
Because we like the violence
We are security
Wrapped in our brutality
And it's not our fault
It's just you're all new suicide
Where we belong
There's no one to hurt
It's some place where we can't be found
Where we belong
It's darker than space
A feeling that we all push down
So it can't be found
Find our way through space
We'll never be found by anything out here
Away from everything that knows
What we did
I know everyone
I've been everywhere
I know everything
Because I'm everybody
Where we belong
There's no one to hurt
It's some place where we can't be found
Where we belong
It's darker than space
A feeling that we all push down
So it can't be found.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 21 August :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Hatebreed

So, my mom's "boyfriend" is sick now, so I have to stay here and sit with him. I'm at my house though, for a change. I think we can use the toilet though now. I just sat over two hours in the waiting room for Urgent Care. He had to get a shot in his butt. Such joyful times. I'm still in my pajamas. I have NO makeup on, and my hair just pulled in braids. I guess I looked like complete CRAP, cause everyone kept staring. I was wondering if I had something on my face. I'm hungry..............gotta go get something to eat.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 21 August :: 5.57am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Yep......Freddy Vs. Jason

I'm at my house now.....but my mom is at his condo taking a bath since we still have no tub. A toilet, but no tub. So I'm here all alone. No complaining from me. I went to my dad's last night and we went over to my grandma's for dinner. I had already eaten beforehand, so I couldn't eat much at the dinner. But she makes this homemade potato salad, and I just couldn't say no.....
My best friend starts school today. It's 5:58 AM, and she has to be at the bus at 6:30 and school starts and 7:30, so she's up and about right now. Poor girl. Going to a school where she knows no one. I start school on Monday as you all know. Jeebus. Seems so soon now. I seem to have nothing to write about......oh well. Goodbye for now.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 20 August :: 3.54pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Freddy Vs. Jason............still

Ahhh.....I'm still here at this condo. My mom went to go get my clothes from our house so I can go to my dad's house tonite. I'm stuck here with the guy's two kids. They're good today. Usually they're freaking HYPER!! But not today. Woohoo. I think the one is mad because I won't let her use my mom's cell phone to call her friend. But it costs money. And they don't have a phone in the condo. Uh-oh, they're fault. They're just sitting on the floor playing cars. I hope my mom gets back soon. I've been frequenting the woohu forums today as well. This "Rocker" person is really pissing me off. But I guess that was his/her's goal. So I'll try not to let it get to me. Oh well. Still 4 days until school. Sheesh.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 20 August :: 12.51am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Freddy Vs. Jason soundtrack

I'm at my mom's so-called boyfriend's condo right now. They're remodeling our bathroom, so we have no toilet, no tub, no sink, even no running water. So we have to spend the night here. But they have a computer and Roadrunner, so I'm perfectly content. I FINALLY got the Freddy Vs. Jason soundtrack!! I've only listened to about two songs from it though, cause I had to get ready to come here. What I heard was good, though. I haven't seen the movie yet though. I was sopposed to re-dye my hair tonight, but since we have no running water, I'll have to do it Sunday. Oh well. That's one day before school starts. Ugh. I only have 4 days of freedom left. Ahhh......the only friend I will have there is James. My best friend moved away. *cries*
But James is cool I guess. A bit dumb, but fun to be around. I don't feel like dealing with my other classmates. All they care about is who is going out with who. So pointless. I wonder who the new "freak" will be this year. My school always has a couple people who decide to wear some baggy tops and dickies pants and studs and spikes and all that crap, and claim themselves "punk". It's hilarious. We had two last year. Sad times, those were. This one girl had long blonde hair and always wore that Abercrombie and such, but one day she came to school with her hair cut in that spiky way and had it dyed black. Then she started wearing some "totally Avril-licious clothes". Then she was Queen of Punk. The other girl waited until a month before school ended to start dressing "punk". Only she accompanied her baggy "coolio" pants with various Good Charlotte T-shirts. It was like she had never heard another band in her life. Then she was Princess of Punk.
Then of course, there is the Alterna-Teens.
The teenagers that put on some overly baggy pants, accompany them with chains, and a Slipknot shirt, and of course a spike necklace or dog collar, and claim themselves alternative. But those people are usually pretty cool. I must admit I've had my Alterna-Teen moments as well. Not too ashamed though, hehe. Hey, I like Slipknot. Woohoo. I think I'm done writing for now. This is a pretty long entry. Ugh.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 19 August :: 2.40pm

Hang On - Seether
Well now I found myself
Wish I was someone else
My hands are stained with love
Wish I could take it away
I hid behind the shell
In time the pain will melt
My hands are stained with love
Wish I could fake it

~Chorus~
I gave my life away
There's nothing left to say
I gave my life away
You take it in your way

You take it in your way

My selfish enemy
Still has the best of me
Empty and feeling numb
Wish I could take it away
I can't control the need
To weak to not concede
Wish I was deaf and dumb
Wish I could fake it

~Chorus x2~

I can't pretend we're the same x4

Oh now I've found myself
Wish I was someone else
My hands are stained with love
Wish I could FAKE

~Repeat Chorus x2~

You take it in your way x4

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blacktears844

:: 2003 19 August :: 2.28pm

Gasoline - Seether
Last night I saw that beauty queen
Watched her paint her face on
I wanna be that magazine
That she bases life on
I wanna waste her monthly blood
Wanna get some on my love
Wanna get some gasoline
And burn the house down

She's got nothing to say
She's got bills to pay
She's got no one to hate
Except for me

Last night I saw that beauty queen
She's getting high on Revlon
I wanna be that magazine
That she wastes her life on
I wanna waste her monthly blood
Wanna get some on my love
Wanna get some gasoline
And burn the house down

She's got nothing to say
She's got bills to pay
She's go no one to hate
Except for me
Me.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 19 August :: 2.20pm

Perfect - Simple Plan
*This is like the only Simple Plan song I've ever liked, hehe*

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing the things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

~Chorus~
Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I cant be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think about the pain I feel inside
Did you know that you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
It feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

~Repeat Chorus~

Nothing's gonna change the things you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

~Repeat Chorus~

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blacktears844

:: 2003 19 August :: 2.03pm

I got my hair cut today, and it looks pretty ok. I'll try and put some pictures in here of it later. I've just been browsing the forums here basically all day. I am the Useless Posts QUEEN!! My mom took me to Walgreens today and she wouldn't let me get the eyeshadow I wanted cause it was black and she won't let me wear red cause she said it will look horrible. And for some reason I just got SO MAD. I felt like a spoiled little kid.

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blacktears844

:: 2003 18 August :: 11.30pm
:: Music: Evanescence.....HA what the article is about

So bored....I'll copy an article!!
When Amy Lee isn't screaming at the top of her lungs about lost love, you can find her at the drawing board. "I'm just a princess in a rock-star age," she says with a laugh. We'd make that "princess of darkness". The Arkansas-born 21-year-old---known for the soaring vocals above the crushing guitars on Evanescence's Fallen---normally works the biker-boots-and-chains look. But she's got a girly side: In her downtime, Amy creates storybook-inspired costume designs and sometimes works with designer Joanee Honour (who also keeps Mary J. Blige looking great) to bring her ideas from the page to reality. "I like to mix Victorian pieces with trashy, burned things, " says Amy. She also loves trolling discount fabric bins: "All the chiffonand gauze was 80 percent off, so I spent less than $15 on this!" she says of the ballet-inspired skirt she's wearing. Amy started on the DIY route in sixth grade with a costume for a Medieval Day even. "It was atrocious," she says, " I sewed sheets together and made big cardboard head-cones." (Okay, so while she wasn't exactly a junior Martha Stewart, she was a rock goddess in training: Amy self-produced two albums with bandmate Ben Moody---while still in high school!) Her advice for channeling your inner Anna Sui? Set your alarm for 12 AM. "Inspiration always comes in the middle of the night, when you should be doing your homework," she says. Though she's surrounded by guys when she's on the road, Amy is single---which she thinks makes her a better designer. "It's easy to be influenced by what a boyfriend likes," she says. "Everyone on the bus can laugh at me, and I'll be like, 'Screw you guys: I look good!'" - Holly Eagleson

Hahahhaahhaha these CosmoGirl articles NEVER fail to crack me up!!

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