yup

yup

:: 2006 30 May :: 12.00pm
:: Mood: ouch

It's been 6 days now. 6 days and I still can't open my mouth. I'm still on drugs every 4 hours. I still can't eat food (sidenote: lost 12 pounds in 6 days). I still can't talk. I still can't swallow without flinching.
I'm going to the doctor in about a half hour. I'm hoping that he tells me this is all normal. That he expected it to be this rough. Cuz at home thats not what I hear. I hear that I should have been better by now. I should be talking. I should be eating. I shouldn't be in any pain.
But it is what it is and I can't really go back in time and take any of this back. So I've just gotta plug along and keep trying to get better.
I see myself taking baby steps. I sleep about 4 hours at a time now, which is great. I can open my mouth a little wider now. I can talk for longer periods of time. But it's not as good as I want to be. I think my right side is fine, its just that pesky left side.
I'll talk to the doc. Hope everything is ok.

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 14 May :: 8.04pm

It's that week... welcome to it!
So I just put a bed on layaway. Wow, committment. I've never had this feeling. Like this, I'm putting myself out there and just hoping for the best feeling.
When you date, like first dates and all, I always felt like I was putting myself out there, taking the risk that I could get hurt. But that is nothing compaired to how I feel right now. I put a bed on layaway! Granted, I can get all my money back if for some reason things went terribly wrong, but still. I put a bed on layaway with no reassurance that I needed to put a bed on layaway.
We're talking about moving forward. We look at things. But I just put a bed on layaway. I mean, wow overwhelming feelings.
I love em, I really really do. No doubt that he's my one. But what if I'm not his? What if I'm the one pushing and this isn't what he wants? Has any of this been his idea? Will the things that his parents and grandparents feel outweigh the things that I feel?
I just wish there was certainty. I understand that there will never be certainty. Not until the day there is an "i do" and even then marriage has become such a joke in our world.
Am I growing up too fast? Is this really what I should be doing... I mean, come on I just put a bed on layaway and I'm scared. Imagine him buying a ring and how much more scary that is! This is not the time in my life that I planned on all this happening. But I think I would be scared no matter when it was to happen. The only reassurance that I have is that I know this is right. I know that this is a boy that I want to be with.
But it is still scary!

1 yes.... | do it up.

70billion

:: 2006 29 April :: 10.14pm
:: Music: Mewithoutyou-January 1979

bsc?

5 yes....here. | do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 10 April :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: squishy and happy

I think this is it folks. I don't know what else to say. I think everyday I get a little bit nuttier at the thoughts that run through my head. I wish I could make them stop. Not because they are bad thoughts, just the opposite in fact. But they are ones that I get so excited to think, but then eventually the logical part of my head chimes in that they are thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking. It's not even close to the time that I thought I should be thinkinging my thoughts. I'm a planner, and this wasn't the timing of my plan. But they are just such wonderful thoughts that I can't help myself. I just gotta think em!

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 22 March :: 5.11pm

:) Happy 6 months!

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 15 March :: 8.37pm

Gotta plan this Island trip. Talked to Cindy today and I need to secure some dates. I like to plan stuff like this and am slowly getting excited about it. Yep. Beaver Island is going to rock my face off! Yeppers bring on the sun!

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 20 February :: 6.35pm

Bad test today... first bad grade at Baker. Definately the drop test... thank goodness for the drop test. Now the new idea is to not have to have another drop test. I think we can do it. Yes I do.

WOAH DEJA VU! So mom went downstairs and the cereal commercial was on and I was writing in my journal, I believe there was a dream about this...

Ok, I had a big plan to do homework but I'm just not feelin it... maybe in an hour.

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 7 February :: 10.39pm

Good mood today, yes good mood indeed. True, I worked an hour later than I originally planned. But ya know what, I didn't have to work with Sam, and I get paid a little extra. So, as much as it stinks to get out later, it's also very cool.
I'm starting to get very excitied about this Big Rapids adventure. I love getting to go away and just be. Especially when it's always chuck full of smiles. And in this case, also full of presents! hehehe
Yup, feelin squishy, tryin to hold it back from journal land though. But just know, there is some squish goin on tonight. Think I'll head to bed now, gotta wake up in 7 hours... that's actually not a bad amount of sleep. Now that I've counted it out I'm gonna feel like a bum when I'm tired tomorrow.
Oh well. Good night to all!

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 28 January :: 6.57pm

Feeling a bit like 2nd place today. How often is it ok to remember the old times? And how do you ever know if its just thinking back, or wishing you were still there?

I like that I've lived life, but I've moved forward and don't want to be back to where I was. I like where I am now. I like that I can see that I've grown and changed into something better than I was a year ago, a month ago, a week ago. But how do you know if the world around you has changed? What if the world wants to go back to how it was a week ago? How would we ever know? We wouldn't. Not unless it gave us signs.

In my life I think I'm seeing the signs.

That puts me in 2nd place. Things can't be like they were last year, and since they can't I guess they settled on now with me.

But is 2nd place all I'm cracked up to be?

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 22 January :: 9.34am

I learn to play the guitar today... my poor fingers

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 9 January :: 10.51pm

Every now and then I find a moment in life that just makes me pause to say wow. And last night was one of those moments. Friday night I get to go be a groupie for my Charlie's band at some podunk bar in a town that I dont know where it is. But I'm really really excited about it. Thats the part that makes me say wow. It's not that I'm super into music, if you knew me youd know that about the only cds that make it into my car are: Rent, Pete Yorn, and Medical Termonology. So its not like I'm super into music by any means. Just the look on his face when he told me he got to play. I love to see the real Charlie smile. There's a difference between when he smiles because he thinks he should and the smile because he's truely happy. This was a truely happy smile and that made me wow. I want to be there to see him rock his stuff!
Also I just re-read some of his "squishy" entries, and that made me smile too!

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2006 4 January :: 5.04pm

In a weird mood today and I don't know how to describe it. So I'm not gonna try. I think what would fix this mood is a little bit of the old Mica. Just a little though. I dunno which parts of me to bring out though, since the old Mica, lets face it, was no good. I think maybe some drinkin or some clubbin could fix this though... yes, thats my mission.

do it up.

justplainolemica

:: 2005 21 December :: 2.53pm

Everyone should read this entry
Good Mood.
Just witnessed the most amazing thing I've ever seen... in person. This lady gives me a whole new definition of pain. I was observing PT today and this lady has stunned the entire medical world. See, she has a CNS disorder that no one has ever seen before. She explained to me that its like the worse charlie horse you've ever had in your life. And this happens to all her muscles, inside and out. And it happens to her all day long and she can't control it. So, shes been friends with this therapist for years and she came to him with back pain, then the disease started and shes just gotten worse. Well, insurances stopped covering her, bastards! They say that no progress is being made so no more payment. But the therapist sees her anyway. See, she can't eat or sleep as her internal muscles (ie digestion) spasm just as much as her external muscles. And she can't sleep cuz it just hurts to live, so sleeping just doesnt happen. Also, she has a pump inside her constantly giving her muscle relaxer medicine directly into her spinal cord. So, anyway, she gets treated anyway.... Why? cuz after about an hour of the scariest therapy I've ever seen all her muscles relax and she can lay perfectly still for a few hours so she can sleep. Also, her internal muscles relax enough to go to the bathroom. She is my new hero. The therapy was about an hour long, and I cried just watching it. She screams in pain and prays a lot. It's scary.

So I know no one reads my journal but I hope that if anyone ever does they get this one simple thing out of it... life isnt that bad.
Journals seem to be chuck full of bitching and mine was no different. But holy wow has today made a lasting impression on me. I've never been in a room with someone crying out in pain to God thanking him for the gift that she knows will result from her therapy and also just praying for life... a life that someday will be back to how it was when she didn't twitch constantly and when she could walk and do all the things that we all take for granted everyday. I think we should all be a bit more like her. She is in more pain than most of us will ever be in our life and she has endured it everyday for the past 10 years and she still thanks God for the life and good times he's given her. She's thankful for what she has and it is amazing.

I will never forget today and she has invited me to see more of her therapy and to keep in touch with her and her life and I'm definitely going to take her up on it. It was a life changing day today... I hope everyone gets to have a day like this in their life.

do it up.