::
2009 26 November :: 5.34am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "In My Life" by The Rasmus
That's one violent fucking cow... o.o
So I'm in a relatively good mood right about now.
Oh, and yes, Mike totally infiltrated my journal for that last post. :3
Anyway, I've been up all night playing Runescape, because I'm a massive nerd. I spent a bunch of time just sitting around killing cows... It raised my defense a level though, so I can't complain. Hahaha.
Wow, how random is that?
I suppose if I'm going to post an update, it should probably have some kind of actual meaning and not just be about me mercilessly slaughtering poor cows on Runescape.
My life... is so... Idk. Tragically beautiful sometimes. I hate it but I love it. I mostly just hate it because I feel like a massive waste of life. It's because I've been out of school for so long. o.o BUT I'm registered to return in January! I can't wait! :3 And to think, I only took off for one semester! It almost drove me crazy!! But I got to spend a ton of time with Mike, which made it all worthwhile! :]
I'm so crazy about him. <3 Like... what we have is so precious and amazing. We always work things out before they can turn into arguements, so we don't waste time pointlessly fighting. It's so nice! Hehehe. He just makes me feel all warm and squishy inside!
Oh shit... those are my intestines... o.o
But anyway!!! I think I should rant about this one guy! Because like... this situation drives me crazy!!! >.< Well, I know this guy who can be a total asshole. In fact, thanks to him, I had a HORRIBLE emotional breakdown a few weeks ago that poor Mike had to help me through. I made myself so sick that night...
Here's the kicker. He's not really an asshole on his own. I mean, yeah, he can be, but he generally isn't. And now, he's supposedly leaving his psycho fiance type thing. I don't know if it'll actually last this time, and I'm not sure if I really care. On one hand, I really hope it does, because then he'll be free of a complete bitch and he could do SO much better! She's so controlling and just... ergh. I just can't stand her. But then he'll get his freedom back, so he'll be able to do what he wants, and we'll be able to talk and hang out again and whatnot.
On the OTHER hand, I almost hope he doesn't leave her, for the same exact reasons. If he does, that means he'll want to start talking and hanging out a lot again, and I'm not sure if I want that to happen. Well, I wouldn't mind the talking, but I doubt we could ever be best friends again like we used to be. Sure, it would be pretty awesome, but there are some problems with that.
One, I spend every moment of my freetime with Mike. Now, that's not a bad thing at all. I love every second I spend with him. <3 But I'm not really sure if I'd be willing to give up my Mike-time to hang out with him. Two, this said person would probably want to be more than just friends, and might try stuff. Yeeeah, I'm not okay with that. I never want to hurt Mike that way again. Ever. EVER. He deserves only the BEST.
Sigh.
This sucks. Hardcore. I don't want to hurt this said person anymore either... Hopefully he'll just be so happy not to be with her anymore, that he won't even think about trying to start any other kind of relationship. It would be great to just be friends.
But I know how much that would hurt Mike...
GOD, I'm such a hypocrite... I don't mean to be at all, and I try to apologize when I am... And then I get upset over things in his past. It's like... dude, he can't change it now, so I need to get over it and move on. And who am I to tell him not to talk to someone because it bothers him when I go ahead and talk to this said person, which really upsets him. I told him I'd stop talking to this person, and so far I've held to that. When I'm with him, I don't find it hard to stop talking to this person at all. Mike's smile is enough to get me to do just about anything. I'd give anything to see my baby happy. <3
Sigh again. I guess we shall see what happens. Until then, I just gotta keep my head up and keep on truckin'.
Note to self: Try to keep being honest with people! Don't dig any holes you can't climb yourself out of!! >.<
I'd write more, but I'm effin' tired, and now I'm totally ignoring poor Jeff Gordon. Jeff is amazing btw. Just thought I'd let you all know.
::
2009 25 November :: 12.50pm
:: Music: Akon & Pitbull - shut down
Sigh.
So, I can't decide if I'm relieved or stressed at this point.
I'm just hanging out before I have to go to work at 2. I close tonight.. annnd as usual, I don't want to. I just feel that 8 hours is much too long to stand at the deli counter. I've heard we're going to be ridiculously busy though, with people picking up their meals and turkeys for tomorrow.
I'm going to see my grandma tomorrow for Turkey day. I think it's at three, and I'm so glad I got most of my paper(s) done last night. It sucked, but at least I have the drafts.
I went Christmas shopping on Monday and finished up shopping for my mom and my grandma. I just have to get a few more things for my dad, and for Leesh, Shane, annnd.. I actually just need to write this all down so I know exactly what to buy and what I can spend. Saving that task for later this weekend.
I guess my mom is getting the house she wants (not the one previously talked about), and we're getting that 8,000 dollar tax credit. But, is this just me, or is it only fair to split that money in half? Maybe I'm loosing my mind, but I just think that I deserve a little bit more than I'll be getting. I guess I should be glad to get any at all. It's a nice house from pictures I've seen, and I get to walk through it on Friday. It has 5 bedrooms, and apparently my soon-to-be room has a bathroom off of it. Sounds nice enough if it all actually happens.
I want to hang out with Leesh super-bad. It's been too long.. again. As always. I wish I lived closer.. as always. I dunno, we'll figure something out as we always do. **Maybe for your last christmas present, Leesh, we can go shopping and YOU can pick it out. I'm having a tough time picking something out for you. I think going together would be better. Soo, I will plan on that. Maybe hit up Target, etc.
In other news, I love chocolate milk. And hot chocolate. I'm at a cup a day. I'm getting fat. It's not good. The gym's not been able to fit into my schedule lately, even though I'd like to go more than I have been. Ohh well. Shit happens.
In conclusion to this post, I just want to extend hope to the coming year. I really really completely honestly hope that 2010 has something better than 2009 had.
If it doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'm the only one in saying this year sorta kinda sucked.
A lot.
::
2009 17 November :: 10.37pm
:: Mood: discontent
Who's the one that made you happy
Who's the one that always makes you laugh
Who's the reason you're smiling
And dragged you through these times so rough
I was the one that made you happy
I was the one that eased the pain
But I'm the reason that you're crying now
My own tears scattered by the rain
You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be
Deeper than deep you took me on a trip baby
You shared your wildest dreams and more
You dare me to express my feelings to you
I never felt that need before
But suddenly you needed freedom
You felt the need to break free
You started drowning in your sorrow
You didn't wanna know I had the key
You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be
You can sacrifice me, sacrifice me
You can be who you wanna
You can be who you wanna be
I might be starting to cashier at my job (and still do the deli too) - which, if you worked where I do, you'd see how it would be cool. It's kind of an honor-thing I guess. I just have to ask the big-wig owner.. but hey, he says I've been doing well the past 8ish months whenever I see him. I'm hopeful. I need the hours!
My mom and I basically got the house. I'm sort of excited. A lot of work, but I get that $8,000 tax credit.. that my mom is still trying to steal from me. But that's okay, she'll get the half she should get. She thinks she's smarter than me with that kind of thing, and I think it's sort of funny. Fair is fair, that's all I have to say.
Well, sleep seems like an awesome option right now.. but first, I am in need of a shower.
I smell like mashed potatoes and kielbasa.
I am really trying.. very hard, actually, to become consistent.
In all ways. Mostly in my personality, and with my friends and loved ones.
But.. in the midst of all of this shit, I realize a lot of things I never ever wanted to realize. Things about my mom, things and people I am not sure I want to believe. Who really knows who's right in their ways? I sure don't. I can say the stress is wearing on me, but I'm trying to stay positive. I just feel bad for my Shane. Poor guy has to deal with MY shit all day every day.. but you know what's even more weird? The guy doesn't care that I go nuts sometimes, or if I we end up screaming at each other, it doesn't matter to him.
I wish I knew how to fix me, rather than telling others to change themselves.
The other day at my house I had said something crude, (probably because I was pissed about something else).. and the friend my mom had over goes, "why the hell are you even with her, dude?" And without an ounce of hesitation he goes,
"Because she's worth it. To me - she's worth it." I sit there in awe. I wasn't even sure why. My mom just smiled.
I felt a sort of relief. I think I'm scared. Of what? School, work, finishing what I'm starting, getting a good paying job, not getting stuck where I'm at, my mom's decisions, my mom and I getting that one house, or not getting anything at all, writing that paper, paying that loan, all of the uncertainty. I want consistency, and I'm not at all sure how to get it.
I'm selling my camera, unfortunately. I'm sad, but I'm more anxious than anything. I need to pay off a lot. I've gotten myself into a bind, and it's my fault. My mom's angry because it's what I always wanted, but I can't change my bills. It would help.
Shane will be gone this week, so I plan to hang out with friends, his mom, and hopefully my mom makes some time for me too. I have no money, but we'll figure a way.
I had a job interview, got it, but left it. School's too much for me, and they're giving me an extra day next week at my other job. It probably would've been nice - the extra money, but I can't close 'til midnight. Oh well. I'll find something.
I miss my grandma, and my brother. Maybe I'll go downtown and visit my sister and Brayden. I feel so detached lately. It's beginning to suck. Jim and I are going for dinner later, and Shane has a test to take at 2.
Alicia's coming tomorrow.. I can't even wait. I miss her so much.
I want to take pictures, and listen to music, and drive around, and go for coffee, and walk in the cold with our sweatshirts and coats, and talk for hours about everything and nothing, while still having the best time of our lives.
I miss those times. We will definitely be downtown Holland this holiday season - so, everyone watch your backs. Leesh and I will most likely be down there strutting our stuff. :) I miss those times. I hope they come back this year. And.. hope my car runs safely all the way there. Either way, it's okay.
I got a couple christmas presents out of the way. My dad's getting something really special this year - his own personalized model locomotive (he's a model train buff). My mom's getting cool stuff, I have Leesh halfway done.. and everyone else is still in think-mode. I have a tough time with not over-spending. I love buying for people though.