squallet
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2015 8 May :: 3.38pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant
I swear I'm more than just a giant ball of angst... o.o
I randomly stumbled upon my old blog again. Funny how sometimes you just kind of come back to things like that. I have blog posts going all the way back to 2008, which is absolutely crazy to me. Then again, the Other Realm has been around since 2003, so I really shouldn't be all THAT astounded. xD
The last few posts were just dripping with angst, so I felt that I should actually post something aside from drama. To be fair, my life hasn't really had all that much drama in the past year. x3 Right now, it's Friday and I'm at work... and I just want to go home. I'm tired of staring at HTML. And I'm hungry. :P
What's on my mind lately? I'm glad you asked, nonexistent reader! Colossalcon!!! Pretty much the same thing that's always on my mind this time of year. It's the weekend I look forward to the most every year, getting to see friends that I only get to see once or twice a year and enjoying our nerdy interests together. Not to mention our drunken adventures. XD It's also going to be Aaron's first Colossalcon ever, so I'm SUPER excited! :D
There's another reason I'm excited about it, BUUUUT I'm reserved to silence for now. x3 Let's just say that it will be a very engaging time. ;3 I'm actually going to be donning two new cosplays this year too, which I'm super psyched for! Aaron, Brittany, and I will be doing a small Fairy Tail group, and I'll also be joining Britt in her Sailor Disney Princess group as Sailor Giselle. I went ahead and commissioned my cosplays from someone who knows what they're doing, because I'd rather pay a bit more and actually look cute. Plus, I like being able to give someone money for doing what they love doing. ^.^
Another thing I'm really excited about? I'm almost out of debt!! xD I've paid off almost everything, except for the money that I owe my ex from when we were living together, and I should be able to pay that off within the next month or two. So I actually find myself with a little spare money to spend, and the ability to ACTUALLY start saving for a house. Life isn't exactly going where I thought it would, but I'm okay with that. I have a home with the man of my dreams, and the future looks pretty bright.
Speaking of which, I'm going to take a moment to rant about this man. Why? Because he's amazing and this place is fairly anonymous as it is, ensuring that our friends and family won't be forced to read all this sap. :3 Throughout the years, I've had quite the string of relationships, some more successful than others. Being with him is completely different from all of those relationships. It makes me see why all the other relationships didn't work, and makes me wonder how I could have ever thought that any of them were the one for me - no offense at all intended to them - most of them are good guys. With him, I just know this is the one for the rest of my life, and I'm so thankful I found him. ^.^ <3
Weeelllll, my boss is back, so I have to cut this a bit short. But at least I've put a little more happy back into this blog. It really needed it. xD Until next time!
-Squallet
1 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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joeydomina
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2015 3 March :: 3.18am
Holy jeez. I still have this. I live!
I'm doing everything
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squallet
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2015 4 February :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Always" by Dope
Venting to no one... I've missed it... :/
I hate myself sometimes. A lot of the time actually. I have one person in this world who knows me better than anyone. Who constantly puts up with my shit and still stands beside me. Who loves me despite my countless imperfections. And I know that in him, I've found my soulmate... I just wish I were better for him... Less neurotic and paranoid. Less selfish and judging. More kind and forgiving... I wish I were more like him... Every day I wonder what he sees in me. He's so beautiful inside and out and I'm just not even close to deserving of him. He tells me I've got it backwards, that I'm the one who deserves better, and how wonderful I am... But I just can't see it... I hurt him time and time again without meaning to... And I hate myself for it... I just want him to smile always. He deserves it more than anyone else... <3
I'm doing everything
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xxxxxxxxxx
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2014 6 December :: 8.36am
:: Music: Daniel Tiger in the background.
4 Years?!
It's been 4 years.
4 YEARS. I feel like so much has changed, but I feel like everything is still the same within my head.
I have a 2.5 year old boy now, who is my light. I am married. I can't honestly tell you how this all happened, but it did.
Here I am. Writing in my old high school online journal.
Why? Because I feel like it will help. Help air out my thoughts and feelings, because I still hold everything in just as I did before. It helped me then, maybe it'll help now. I don't know.
I felt like I was happy. I felt as though I was heading the right direction -- I was working, I was working on getting back into school. I stopped and went a few times, trying to figure out where I wanted to be. I feel like I should have just done it. Just pushed through, but I didn't.
Then, I met my husband. I was waitressing at the Grist Mill, my last job. He was charming, so nice. I thought he was handsome, a bit rough around the edges. He was funny, he could make me laugh. A sick sense of humor.. I couldn't tell if I liked it or if I was offended. I laughed though, so I must've been into it, right? I guess. He asked me incessantly to go on a date with him. I finally accepted, and the rest is history.
We moved in together, we had so much fun together. We were like two fucking peas in a pod. I felt like he was my answer, I wished I had found him sooner. He treated me like a queen. My best friend actually liked him.. LIKED HIM. Yes, which is nearly impossible.
Then I got pregnant. 9 months into our relationship, I got knocked up. Ha! Funny. No, I was devastated. I didn't want a baby, I didn't want my life to revolve around a little tiny being that I made. I wanted my life to be that - MINE. I wanted to live for me and never lose my spontaneity. I didn't want to lose my body, my MIND.
We were married 2 months later.
9 months after that, Flynn was born. And though I struggled with being a mother at first (and still do), he is my baby, my love, my light at the end of the tunnel.
Fast forward 2.5 years, here I am. I am 50 pounds overweight, I have a feeling the bags under my eyes are never going away. I have stretch marks every where. I feel like a lump of fat and wrinkly, old skin. I am twenty-four.. 24!!!! years old. I feel like I'm 40+ .. and I feel sad a lot.
My best friend moved far, far away. I know she's doing what's best for her - but I can't help but feel sad about it. I miss her everyday, even though we talk online a lot.
My dad died in January this year.
I am/was his only child, he wasn't married. I took care of everything, because I was the only one who legally could. I found out a few things about certain family members, I met my aunt and uncle for the first time.
I have had a very hard time with my dad's death, and I wasn't sure at all how I was going to handle it. I still cry once a week, like I am now. Just thinking. Thinking, was everything I did enough? Did I do what he would have wanted? His "girlfriend" blames me for everything. We don't speak anymore, after the hurtful things she's said to me. I am better off without her in my life, even though I'd known her since birth.
I'm so glad to have met my Aunt and Uncle though - My Aunt is a saint. Such a nice, southern lady. She was so warm, so happy. It made me feel welcome and like a.. family. Something I never had with that side of my family. She invited us to Alabama to visit, gave me pictures of my dad and her as a child/teen. I was so overwhelmed with everything, but I am so glad I met them. I will treasure that day forever.
I am starting to feel more at peace, more "okay" with my choices. The cremation, the house, the car and truck. I know I made the right decisions, but I still can't help but feel uneasy, as my dad didn't tell me what he wanted. He didn't leave anything, and as abruptly as he left the world, nothing could have changed that.
My year feels like a whirlwind.
A clusterfuck.
My mind feels like it's spinning in on itself.
I need a counselor. I want a counselor.
I can't talk to my husband about things. Why? That's another post.
I talk to my best friend, but I can't keep telling her the same crap over and over. Broken record.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I want and yearn for REAL happiness. REAL love and hope.
This year has rained on me.
Here's to hoping 2015 brings me sunshine.
3 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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gideon
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2014 7 September :: 4.48pm
Sorry
I haven't written much. Time and I forget.
Sorry.
I'm doing everything
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