"I gotta go get my fish sticks..."
Whaaaaaaat is UP Woohu?! Damn, it's been a minute, huh? I've meant to come back and write in here more times than I can count, but every time I would inevitably get distracted by something and--SQUIRREL!! O_O

... What was I saying? .___. Oh yeah! So I've come to realize that, over the years, I've kind of forgotten how to just... purge. To just come to a blank space on the interwebs and spew whatever thoughts or feelings that I'm currently dealing with. Hell, even in handwritten journals that I have, I find myself struggling to come up with what I should write about.

At times, it's hard not to think that it's because I'm just so depressed these days that I don't feel things NEARLY as much as I used to. And if I don't feel things like I used to... should I? Am I breaking down or evolving? I can see it both ways. On one hand, perhaps it's just that I've finally hit that age where not everything is a dramatic, life or death situation. But on the other hand, am I losing the passionate side of myself that I identified so strongly with? I know it's still there, but... I'm not necessarily the raging inferno I used to be. Mayhaps I'm more of... Idk... A tiki torch? xD

I'm munching on coal. Not the real stuff. The chocolate stuff. It's like... 2:15 in the morning, and I have to work in a little bit, but I figured that I owed it to myself to sit down and actually try to do the thing that's been eluding me for... over two years now? Whewww, time flies. Sometimes I'm glad for that, but other times, it's just another step closer to the grave. Morbid, I know, but I've had a lot of those thoughts in the past two years.

Damn, did this entry change tones fast! xD I promise you, I'm fine, and not all is doom and gloom. I think it was just important to really confront those things so that I could move forward with living my best life. Honestly, I've been doing a lot of confronting lately.

*grabs a handful of m&ms* ... These aren't even m&ms... They're Hershey's wannabe m&ms. I am disappoint. I can trust nothing. x_x;

Anyway, yes, confronting. One thing that I've really learned in therapy (yes, I'm in therapy now - huzzah!) is that I can't simply avoid the things that trigger me or what I'm afraid of. I think I already knew that, but hearing it told to me so directly really made it sink in.

It's scary, I won't lie. Anxiety is a bitch, and some days, triggers are relentless. But the more I face them, the more I learn to trust myself, and the more I really do start to believe that I can handle whatever comes my way. So whatever doesn't kill me best be prepared. :P

Enough of the heavy shit though. Let's get to more fun topics!

When last I left you, my dear, beautiful Woohu, I was newly dating a guy named Zach in my very first ENM relationship. And let me tell you, that experience was a WHIRLWIND. First off, after a bit of soul searching and self-discovery, Zach is now Percy, short for Persephone, and I couldn't be more proud of her! ^_^ Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us due to external factors, but we're still very close and have nothing but love for each other. <3

That said, that break up, which happened around this time last year, was definitely a tough one. I had found a soulmate in her, and although I knew the important thing, the love itself, was still there, I also knew that it meant I was losing something beautiful. It put me into a rabbit hole of trying to distract myself by talking to new people, but I quickly found out that a lot of people are unfortunately disappointing.

Thus, I, Squallet, began the quest of dodging fuckbois. xD Most of the time, they made it pretty easy. An unsolicited dick pic here, a "you busy tonight?" there... and of course, the ever so charming "I'd probably fuck you". Oh, yes. That last one was actually a message I received. Like "... thaaaaanks?" I might have been pissed off if it hadn't been so brain-numbingly stupid that I was GENUINELY amused. XD

Enter Sam, AKA Irish fuckboi~ I honestly don't have much of anything to say about Sam, because in hindsight, he had next to no personality whatsoever, and I couldn't give a fuck less about him at this point in my life. XD But for whatever reason, I was in such an emotional, low self-esteem place that I got REALLY hung up when he ghosted me. I laugh at it now because it really was a nothing connection, but I felt stupid that he slipped past my radar (I blame the accent) and disheartened because he was the first person I felt a connection with post-Percy, when I honestly thought that I'd never fall in love again.

Well... spoiler alert... I fell in love again. <3 Fuckbois and other disappointments aside, I actually have met some pretty great people over the past year. One in particular is pretty fantastic... His name is Michael, and we've been together for just over 9 months now. Of course, the name gave me PTSD at first because we all know my track record with Mikes. xD

What can I say about Michael? He's a bit of a hurricane. When we first met, I honestly wrote him off as another fuckboi, which we've laughed about since. I'm happy to say that I was wrong, and there's been a whole beautiful world of a person underneath that I've gotten to know. He's a Pisces, because of course he is. We all know that they've always been my weakness. He's tall, dork, and handsome. ;3 He's funny, energetic, passionate, and I could stare into his eyes forever. <3 Sometimes he reminds me of me when I was younger - very emotional, and sometimes very defensive. Some of our earlier struggles definitely felt like someone was holding up a mirror of my past. We've come a long way since then though, and honestly, I already feel like we've been together for years. I joke that he's not my boyfriend, he's my second husband. And you best bet that I'll be putting a ring on it one of these days. <3

Oh, SPEAKING of huge life-altering decisions... I came out as poly! It can still be scary talking about it so openly and I always worry that people will judge what they don't understand, but it's been more than worth it. It's not a fun feeling loving somebody so much and feeling like you have to keep them a secret, or that you're being kept a secret on their end. But now, I can talk about my partners, I can post pictures of us together, and best of all, I can enjoy the important moments together with them. Just a little over a week ago, I was able to celebrate New Year's with both Aaron and Michael by my side, and it was incredible. ^_^

And SPEAKING of Aaron... (I see a pattern emerging xD) he has a girlfriend now too. Her name is Kristin, and she's AMAZING!! :D Unfortunately, she lives out of state, so he's only gotten to visit her a few times, but I'm looking forward to the day that she can live closer to us. Hell, we're already all talking about having a big, happy, poly household, and honestly, I would love that! <3 She and I would craft up a storm, share our cute gaming worlds with each other, and decorate for the holidays like no one's business! >:3

But SPEAKING of no one's business! ... Okay, I'm done. XD

Aaaaand then there's Jay... What do we have to say about Jay? I'm not quite sure yet... ;P He's an interesting guy. He's smart, well-spoken, motivated, adventurous, sweet... and he's definitely cute... But I'm not really looking for anything serious at the moment. Two partners is already a LOT to handle. Plus, partners aren't like Pokemon - you can't just try to catch them all. xD It's important to make sure you have the time and energy to give to them to make them feel loved and valued. Anyhow, so far we've only been talking, but I can't help but be intrigued... Idk, my intuition started spiking when this one came around, so I guess we'll see. o.o

Aside from him, I've decided that my dating doors are closed for the foreseeable future. Flirting is fun and all, and yes, it was a confidence boost to suddenly get a bunch of attention from men again, but honestly... I'm kind of over that kind of attention. I just want to meet cool people. I want to talk about life and where we've been, what we've learned, how we've grown. And I want to get out and LIVE life, hopefully with some new, interesting faces. I want to feel valued as a person and make genuine friends, rather than feeling like just an object of desire. That shit gets old FAST.

Did I really need to post about ANY of this? Not really. But you know what? I'm glad that I am! xP My goal now is make it a habit to come back to this journal like I did back in the good old days. You know, when I was a young whippersnapper! XD

So going forward, don't expect me to give you the full plot of what's going on in my life, because now you know! This is going to be a place to vent again. To rant to my heart's content and just scream at the void when I need to. Because, really, there is something healing about just getting it out. Even if it IS embarrassing, or problematic, or pointless.

Sure, I don't want to be the bitch who posted all that cringe shit on my Facebook 15 years ago... But I do admire her for the fact that at least she HAD something to say. And I know that I still have plenty to say, deep down, even if I will feel cringe for spilling it all to a bunch of strangers. After all, you don't know me, and I don't know you.

So at the end of the day, I can worry about what I say, or I can just say fuck it and say it anyway. Who knows? Maybe it'll help someone out there. Or maybe I'll make someone think differently about something. Or maybe it's nearly 4 AM and you're just hungry and bored like I am.

Regardless... I'm really rambling now, but my point is... Prepare for more random posts about seemingly unimportant shit~ xD But just know that, in ten years, I'll probably look back on it, like I sometimes do with my old posts, and I might cringe, but I'll also smile, and I'll laugh. Because it's nice to look back, and to remember "holy fuck, I was such a random weirdo... good to know that some things never change!" :3

And one last somewhat somber note on things that will never change... My love for my Yam - my cat, my furbaby, and my familiar. After nearly 19 years of life, over 17 of which were spent taking care of me, she passed away this past Thanksgiving. She passed at home, surrounded by love, and I was there with her until her last breath, assuring her that it was okay to go, and that we'd be okay... Adjusting to life without her, after a life blessed for so long with her, has been extremely difficult. I broke down. My heart was shattered. I couldn't eat. I had terrible anxiety and depression and honestly wasn't sure if I would be able to handle the pain.

But little by little, with the help of therapy and a support system that I'm incredibly lucky to have, I've regained my strength, and I'm able to look forward to the future again. I know that she's still with me, and I know that love never dies. Our bond hasn't been severed, it's merely transformed. And one day, I'll see her again. Momma loves you with all her heart Yam, and I miss you every single day. <3 And of course, daddy too. And everyone else in the world because dear GODS, you were the sweetest little girl in the world. :)

I don't know how exactly to wrap this up after getting so emotional. I'm usually full of witty banter and snappy remarks. But I guess that's just it, huh? We're all more three-dimensional than we probably give ourselves credit for. You might THINK it's three raccoons in a trench coat over here, but joke's on you! I'm a full-fledged person! x3

Well... most of the time. But for now, I have some trash I need to go scrounge through. So until next time, stay classy folks!


~ Squallet, out!

I'm doing everything