squallet
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2010 9 November :: 1.19am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace
Don't leave me here alone...
Even though I know he'll probably never read this, this is a cry out to the man I love with all my heart...
I'm alone at home... I've barely eaten in days... I'm missing a week of school...
All because I can't manage to pull myself together...
I look at pictures of us happy together and break down in tears...
I reread old texts and poems from you over and over...
I even fell asleep hugging your framed picture the other night...
Some may just see me as a pathetic weeping child, but I'm lost without you...
How can you be so cold and push me away without even a word as to why?
How can you leave me on the edge, not even knowing where we stand?
Are we together? Are we apart?
Do you just need time alone to clear your head?
Do you need help because you're having an extreme bipolar/depression episode?
Do you really just not love me anymore?
Was it something I said? Something I did?
Have we really changed that much from the two happy kids who were so head over heels in love?
I look at those pictures and weep.
I wish I could caress your face.
Touch your rosy cheeks.
Brush your hair back.
Look into your warm, loving eyes.
Wrap my arms around you tightly and secure.
Press my lips against yours.
Lose myself in you.
The way we used to.
Nothing else matters to me right now but the thought of you.
Did you think that I replaced you? That I didn't care anymore?
I know we've both been so busy that there's no time for each other it seems.
But darling if only you'd come home to me, we could fix all those things.
I would make you the happiest man on earth, no matter what it takes.
I don't care about the stupid fights and disagreements.
I don't care if you're friends or your video games are more important some days.
I don't care what anyone else says about us.
I care about YOU. I care about US.
I can't think back on all those happy times and just let them fade away.
You mean far too much to me to just let this love die.
I'll fight 'til my last breath to show you just what you mean to me...
No matter what happens, I just want you to know...
I've put my heart in a silver box, and locked it far away...
Only you have the key, my love...
Nobody can ever replace you in my life...
I keep dreaming every night that you'll come back...
You'll tell me how it was all a mistake and that you're sorry...
I've already forgiven you, darling.
Just take my hand and with it, you take my heart.
Take me in your arms and show me just what I mean to you.
Lose yourself with me under the covers.
Breathe into my ear how I'm your everything, the air you breathe.
Just like you did only weeks ago...
Love is forgiveness, and I forgive all you've done.
Could you forgive me this time?
Though I don't know what I've done to push you away...
I'm sorry that somewhere along the line, I failed you...
How could I be so ignorant not to see...
I should have given you more attention, more time, more love...
I miss waking up to your beautiful face...
Your arms around me tight every morning...
I wish you were here tonight...
I would show you just what we've been missing...
It's never too late to turn things around...
If things aren't right, let's make them right...
We can fix all the problems, the mistakes, the past.
We can make a future...
I still only dream of you as my husband.
I dream of you holding our child in your arms with that gorgeous smile on your face.
I dream of walks in the park with you as we grow older.
I don't want to face this world without you.
My partner.
My savior.
My protector.
My angel.
My lover.
My best friend.
My world.
My everything.
Don't let me face the world alone...
I always turned to you first, and I want to again.
You were always there to protect and save me.
You wiped my tears, hugged me tight, and made me feel alive.
I don't want to feel cold and dead inside anymore...
Do you love me still...?
Just those 3 words still give me butterflies...
Those 3 words can make everything in the world beautiful again...
Please don't give up on us...
Just say you love me still...
And I swear you'll never be alone...
Please darling...
April is nothing without October...
Please come home Michael...
I'm doing everything
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michellestar
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2010 18 October :: 10.12pm
last
To my readers:
There's a reason I haven't been writing. I cannot talk about it here. But I realized this gave me the opportunity to do what I knew would have to be done someday. Say goodbye.
But first, thank you. Thank you for listening to my words through your pixels. Thank you for coming along, whatever your reason, whoever you are. Thank you for watching my mystery unravel.
It's hard for me. To let this go. Seven years of my life are in these pages. A documented path from student to scientist. I'm not leaving because there's nothing to say, rather the opposite is true. There's so much that got left out from this summer, all those months I wasn't writing. A huge chunk of this is missing because of it, but that's the way it goes.
It wasn't always this way. Woohu was a community once. I thought of it more of a message board for my dorm and the group of friends I congealed with freshman year. One by one they left here, but I made a conscious decision to stay. Not for any particular reason, other than this became home. And I began to realize that all along, this journal, the memories buried in these pages, had been for me. To see growth flowing through words, representing actions, representing faith in myself.
And this became my memoir. My memoir of everything I lost and all that I gained. My winding road from those terrifying early moments in chemistry freshman year to a full-fledged forensic scientist in the NYPD. From being horrified to speak in front of room of classmates to testifying in courts of law to a jury of strangers. From bemoaning biochemical pathways and stoichiometry to analyzing mass spectral evidence.
When this journal began I was 18 years old. I was a wide-eyed freshman in college surrounded by strangers who would eventually become friends. I was dating a British boy back home, saw my parents every month or so, and thought I was going to become a biochemist. My first entry was made in playful angst as I fidgeted with my new life.
As this journal ends, I am 25 years old. A girl standing on her own two feet looking back and knowing how she got here, in large part to this very place where she could watch it unfold. This place took my experiences, often too close for me to see clearly, and let me take a step back and examine them to see them for what they were. Seven years later, I have a domestic partnership, a new group of friends, and a career in forensics. And my last entry is not in angst, but rather in wonder. This is to have succeeded. To end better than I began.
I didn't write everything here. There are a lot of things that happened to me, or I happened to them, that will never grace these pages. But what's here is my truth nonetheless. What's here was for me, and that makes it real.
I am not done writing forever. This has become ingrained in me and I had to make a conscious effort not to do it. Not because I have some sort of fantastic life that the internet needs to know about, but because life is something worth documenting even if just for myself. I will be found elsewhere, when I'm ready.
I am going to open back up a few of my last entries to give a sense of where I left off. These last two years had more loss, in the sense of people, than I have dealt with in the rest of my life combined. My life has undoubtedly changed because of it.
But in the end, thank you to the friends in Michigan, friends in New York, Jason, family members, a few coworkers, and a handful of strangers who read this. Thank you for finding this interesting enough to even have read it just once. Thank you for embracing yet another cell floating in the endless sea.
MichelleStar
October 18th 2003 - October 18th 2010
7 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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angel_bob
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2010 13 October :: 5.52pm
I'm getting married in a week.
I'm doing everything
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squallet
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2010 30 September :: 2.58am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "2 Voiny" by SLOT
I've worn out my apologies for you.
Just because I can't forget doesn't make me weak.
It just means that I'm strong enough to acknowledge the past.
I just wish you'd grow up and get over yourself.
Sure, I remember, I cry, I'm human. I'm not afraid to let people see that I'm not perfect.
I miss running around town being crazy teenagers, and staying up at all-night sleepovers.
I miss having you in my life, I miss someone who I thought was a true friend.
But to have let something so stupid tear us apart for over three years now.
Dear GOD that is so stupid.
I try not to be bitter, I try not to cry.
But at least I'm strong enough to remember.
And at least I have the guts to say that I miss you in my life.
I was forced to see you about 4 months ago because we happened to be in the same place.
I know you saw me because you intentionally ran the other way.
I spent that night crying, and you probably didn't even spare a glance.
I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to make things better.
I'd really hoped that 3 years had been long enough to finally let go of stupid shit.
I guess not.
I just don't know why you harbor so much hatred.
Did our friendship really mean nothing to you?
I guess so.
Even now, I'm crying remembering, but I'm not ashamed.
At least I know I have the heart to care.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever even think about those memories years ago.
Why are you so afraid?
But the thing is... I'm done apologizing.
Something stupid happened.
So fucking what?
It's not like there was some huge fucking conspiracy theory.
I can't help it my ex is a fucking psycho.
You're so ignorant, you don't even know what fucking happened.
You act so fucking high and mighty.
Then you cry all alone because you secretly hate yourself.
Well you know what?
Get over it.
You pushed everyone away.
The sad thing is that I'm still right here, and I still actually give a damn about you.
I really shouldn't, with how much of a bitch you've been.
You probably think of me with that little flare of hatred.
But guess what? When that flare goes out, I know somewhere deep down, it'll hurt.
Because as cold as you act, I know there's a heart in there somewhere.
You know, when I met you 6 years ago, I really thought you'd be one of my only lifelong friends.
I guess I was wrong.
And you know what?
That realization still hurts.
So here's me saying that I've tried to apologize too many times.
Every time, you've evaded me, ran away, hid.
Now who's the coward?
2 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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xxxxxxxxxx
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2010 10 September :: 11.26pm
Wow.
First weekend off in.. months. I seriously do not remember the last Saturday that I had off. Not that I'm complaining about working or anything, I just don't remember having one off. And I'm loooooving it.
Going to the Verizon store tomorrow. I can't afford any cool phone's but.. I will be getting something new and that's all that matters.
I am really hoping I will be able to keep my same number, 'cause it's such a hassle switching them around.
Oh and - cannot wait for the 3Oh!3 concert in November. Yay!
I'm doing everything
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