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2010 6 May :: 11.16am
So, today is a new day.
It's really crazy how fast people's emotions can change.
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, and wanting things and not getting them. I feel bad that I put it on the internet so other people can find it and say, "wow, that girl's an effing complainer." Yeah.. if I found my journal on the internet and read it, I'd feel pretty plain stupid.
My life's not bad. At all. Certain aspects? Yes. 100% of the time? No. I hate coming off that way. I like my life, I just need to step it up, get out of my shell. I'm starting to make a list in my head to see what it is exactly that I need.I'm thinking my number one is more friends.. but the fact that I've been feeling pretty antisocial lately isn't helping. See, I do want these things in my life, I just never think I have the time when I do.
I like feeling safe, having a handful of friends. But I'm beginning to see that I never got the experiences most people at 19 have had. I'm not like everyone else my age, but I'm honestly trying to make it work. Well, some of the time.
Geesh, I make no sense.
So, I'm sitting here in Baker's parking lot on Shane's computer (hoping the battery doesn't take a crap) - waiting for him to get out of his class. It's only been like.. 30 minutes. ugh. We're going to the mall after.. probably going to eat some nasty mall-food that I love, and shop a little bit (Are there any guys that like to shop out there? cause I'd love to meet them!) After the mall, we're stopping by to see my brother for an hour or so. I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. In fact, I don't think anyone has. So, it's a little overdue, but I think he'll be happy to see Shane since he got approved to see him.
Also, does anyone seem to know any diet tricks? I'm trying to lose 10 pounds and it's definitely not working. I hate exercising, so that could be why. I do have my gym membership, I just have to get in the habit. It just sucks 'cause I hate all the food that could help me. Basically, I kill hunger with bread and cereal.. and chicken. Yeah, what a way for me to lose weight. Way to go me!
Wellll, that's all that's floating in my brain at the moment. I could sit here for hours and type meaningless junk, but I'm getting just as bored as everyone else.
Until next time..
3 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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2010 5 May :: 5.39pm
When I do this, I realize my friends aren't close.
When I lash out, it's really misplaced anger. From being angry at myself, my mom, anybody. I've been trying to keep composure.
My gate fell today. I feel so dramatic. I feel like it's no big deal, but it is. Well, maybe not to you or your friends.
I'm just upset with me. Yeah, just me. Because I control what happens with this life.. and I've done nothing to change it. And I know I won't, and it kills me everyday.
I yelled at Shane today for not wanting to go to the mall with me. I got my hopes up about it, and no, it isn't a big dilemma. He didn't want to go, and I got really upset. I couldn't control my anger, and I know he doesn't understand. I know he doesn't understand a lot. Not much about me, actually. But it's like I can feel this anger and hate and.. this almost feeling of betrayal. I can't describe it, other than just pure anger. It's not towards him, and I tell him that. Usually not, anyway. I hung up the phone, and cried. For a good 20 minutes. Not because I didn't get to go buy new summer clothes, or because I didn't get to keep my plans, and not even because I felt like a crazy super-bitch.
Not at all.
I cried because a realization washed over me. I was angry and hostile because I realized I have no friends here. I have Shane. My mom. And that is all. If Shane doesn't want to go, and my mom is gone.. who do I call?
Fifty miles doesn't seem far, but today it does.
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And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe..
And reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio, and I won't tell no one your name.
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I'm doing everything
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butterfly
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2010 29 April :: 5.00am
:: Mood: druuuunk.
21!!!
2 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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angel_bob
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2010 15 April :: 2.16am
I just want a crappy car (NOT TRUCK) that I can drive to work. Is that too much to ask for?
Craigslist is letting me down for the first time ever. All it has are trucks and winstars.
Nick won't let me get the mustang convertible for some reason.
2 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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2010 14 April :: 1.30pm
:: Mood: anxious
I need a new start, and I'm trying to find my niche.
So far - it's not working.. but I'm trying. I guess that counts.
I'm trying to find a new school, a new place for myself - in life.
I've become to realize that things I thought were important are little specks, and the things I never thought about are here to beat me in the face. I don't like these sorts of wake-up calls, but I'm also grateful for them.
Because some people never hear them.
3 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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