butterfly
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2010 10 April :: 10.40pm
I miss this silly thing.
I got my promotion... Seven months late. But no complaints, I'm glad it worked out, if only because they needed it to. Wal-Mart... Oh Wal-Mart. Silly, chaotic place.
Um... McDonald's sweet tea is killer. That's about the only reason I ever go there. <3 it.
I'm doing everything
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xxxxxxxxxx
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2010 1 April :: 1.45pm
:: Mood: melancholy
As I stood on the deck at Shane's house this morning, with the warmth of the sun shining on my face, I closed my eyes in hope.
I imagined. Deep into the crevices of my brain, I dreamed. I closed my eyes tight, but opened them on the inside. What I saw was beautiful. What I saw was what I want so badly, but cannot have.
I woke up this morning - facing the white wall. I opened my eyes, and closed them again. Imagining what I want. I saw a creamy tan wall, two windows with white trim - the sun was coming in, but I could feel it how I wanted to. I imagined standing up, walking to the porch and standing in front of the doorway. I stared out, all of the houses, the calm, the rejuvenating feeling I yearn for was there. I watched a car go by, I stared to the blue sky, and breathed. I love when I can breathe. Then it goes.
I know I have to open my eyes, see the reality of what is in front of me. So, I do. The white wall was still there. I closed my eyes, reopened them, closed and reopened. I knew the drab wall wasn't going anywhere. I sat up, pulled the curtain back and saw my car outside. I saw Shane's. I looked at the pine's and the grass poking through, and all of the new-coming growth.
I had a dream that I was sitting in my driveway. But I wasn't young, I was 19. I was who I am now. I was sitting in my driveway at my home. It was a light grey, with a lot of little rocks and ant hills. I had a couple leaves in my hand. Ants scurried by, as I attempted to grab them. I looked to my house - off-white siding, hunter green shutters, a big maple tree in the front yard. I looked back and smiled, I felt the feeling I always felt.
Everyone around me, the world, the whole universe was at my fingertips. I felt alive. The garden hose was lying beside me. It was running, and a pool collected near the end of the driveway. I sent the leaves down my little man-made river, watching as they swirled around at the end of their journey. I got up and my dream ended as I went inside the house.
It was a beautiful dream. It felt like it happened yesterday, but I know it didn't. Most of the time I know I need to get over it, that I need to stop. But others, like now, I like the feeling of the sun.
Even if the only way to feel it this way is within a dream.
I'm doing everything
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squallet
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2010 7 March :: 7.23pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Justify" by The Rasmus
Meh.
I wish I knew how to be just as fake as some of these people out there.
It must be easy to lie just to fit in with others.
How well do you think they study their roles?
I have such bad freakin' social anxiety.
Anytime I have to be around people I don't know, I just get extremely uncomfortable.
It's not so bad just going somewhere public because then I don't have to talk to people.
But if I have to be around my boyfriend's family, I get SO anxious. It's horrible.
I hate being the center of attention.
I just wish more people were understanding of my issues.
They act like I don't want to be a part of their life or something.
I'm just not comfortable with those kinds of situations.
My stomach turns into knots, I fumble around with things, I shake a little.
It's just not a good place for me to be.
It's so depressing.
And yet, all I want is to have people to hang out and have a good time with.
Just a few more close friends would be nice.
People I was comfortable with, so there wouldn't be any nervous tension.
I'm never good enough for anybody...
Do they just want me to be a doll? A puppet?
Something that can be everything they want me to be?
I'll never be one of those fake people.
So get over it. >.>
~Squallet
I'm doing everything
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butterfly
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2010 22 February :: 2.48pm
:: Mood: enthralled
WOOOOHU!!
I TOTALLY COMPLETED A NERDY TASK ALL ON MY OWN!!!
BE SO PROUD AND AFRAID OF ME NOOOOWWWWW.
*Happy Dance*
I'm doing everything
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squallet
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2010 6 February :: 3.25pm
:: Mood: Does "absolutely horrible" count as a mood?
:: Music: "Dear Agony" by Breaking Benjamin
So much for a decent day.
There's nothing I'd love more right now than to rip someone's face off. o.o
Erghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!1!!1111!!!1!
Yeah, that about sums it up.
I don't want to see him at ALL right now.
I'm feel so... well... every bad feeling you can think of...
Fuck.
I REALLY don't want to see him... :'<
Oh, and for the record, Matt randomly called me at 4:00 AM.
And texted me this morning because he wanted to know if I was okay.
Wow. One would actually think he cared. :\
Sigh.
Why does everything suck so much today?
~ Squallet
2 stay strong |
I'm doing everything
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